what were you thinking when the clock struck twelve?

do you celebrate it because the whole world is doing it? is it because it will make you feel like missing out not taking part? or do you truly believe that the beginning of another year means something important, that it is somehow out of 365 days of a year and 3650 days of a decade, the day that marks a turning point?

or do celebrations only make sense because you are with the ones you love? why do you not celebrate everyday then.

i wish this day does not mean so much because i felt awful. i hope it does not determine my fortune for the rest of my year because i have not had a good start, or even if i had one, i was not able to appreciate it as much as i should and with all my heart. i am so glad that i have got my best friend and my family here with me, at that particular moment in which the whole world screamed for a mixture of reasons of joy, i am sorry though, for how my heart feels when i am alone.

festivals stress me out. but anyways, the dreadful december is gone, now a stressful january awaits. i wonder if every month ahead is just going to make me feel the same. i am so tired, and it takes a robot to be ever-sweet-and-positive.

其實我知道是可一不可再

所以我還是會寫、還是要寫、還是喜歡寫，因為我就只能活這一次，我在我小小的世界裡，用文字推砌我小小的堡壘，傷心的也好，開心的也是，回憶必須好好記載，我堅持為愛上一個人而歡天喜地，也免不了會在承受沉痛打擊的時候收埋自己，因為我本來就是這樣的，日寫夜寫，見得人的、不想見人的，關於我的所有所有，不為娛人，只為悅己，若要全世界的人都身同感受，到底是太自私了。

我覺得愛情也很重要。我相信只有相愛和相信愛的人能夠成就快樂的家，在最艱難的時光裡為對方堅持，到老、到病、到死為止。這不是玩玩下的，不是開了個頭，走不下去，就沒了件事，我也沒有想得太遙遠，只是覺得能夠這樣下去也很不錯了，它的存在就是美好，看不見親不著也碰不到都不礙事，現實的不足就靠想像填充，兩個靈魂的親熱也很親厚，你會為最少的收獲而滿足，因為你的愛情為了愛，不為擁有。(縱使偶然的寂寞令你很想發脾氣。)

我們是為了甚麼去相信甚麼？有些人不相信是因為不知道，看不見就以為不存在，想不到就覺得沒可能，未遇過就相信遇不到。但羅蜜歐愛過茱麗葉，梁山佰也愛過祝英台，牛郎織女，一期一會，情節也許是編造的，但沒有愛的人不能叫愛情動人。

我只是相信：有很多事情有可能發生，是因為在最初最初有人相信它們有發生的可能。

i love my boyfriend.

shh. i think he doesn't know. he thinks i like him. oh but "like" is not big enough to describe how i feel for him, it should take a very stupid me not to love him - and i can't be that stupid.

what tough luck! i have found a treasure, sincerely speaking. :) :) :)

i waited and he came.

this morning i was screaming and jumping when mr. postman came with my x'mas gift, that was probably the first time i ever waited for a postman's arrival so eagerly. the story began with me not having a door bell, when i woke up this morning i climbed off the stairs and checked, there was nothing there, and then i toured around my neighbour's mailboxes, they all seemed pretty empty, so i guess today's mails have not been delivered yet. i came back upstairs and thought i would go wait downstairs until he arrived, since without a door bell he wouldn't leave the package in my mailbox, and i would have to go pick it up later in the post office, and that would mean i could only get it after x'mas. but then i changed my mind, i wrote a note and stuck it on my mailbox, asking the postman to call my number if there was a package to be delivered.

but i missed his call.

when i realised that i missed the call, i cried out loud and called him back, asking him to come back, luckily he hasn't left the village yet, and i ran downstairs. and there he was, like a santa claus he brought over my x'mas gift with the kindest smile. i basically bounced all the way back home.

if you want something, and then you get it, it's never so much a big deal. but if it involves a bit of waiting, along with a bit of wishing, it means so much more when it is finally yours. life is never going to feel better when you walk into a shop with hands full of money, being able to buy whatever you want. the great things in life, they never come easy, but they make all the efforts worthwhile. i was happy like a little girl this morning. :) it was such a nice experience to have, when i waited, and it happened.

helping Adelais

there is a little something i have been doing for nearly a year now. it gives me the workload of a psychology master student, exhausts me on most weekends, and squeezes my brain out at times.

but it is so worth it.

i knew it would be mine.

or maybe i was just wishing too hard that even i got convinced that it had to be mine, like how a repeated rumour eventually becomes true. but after like, a few days of excitment, jumping and hopping around in a "i could not wait" kind of mode, i am starting to stress myself out to an extreme extent, i know not if i really wanted it when i thought i wanted it, i sort of saw it as a turning point of my long-stuck life, i got convinced that it had to be a long-haul dream coming to be realised.

but i am scared. how will i be able to manage? a good start means a good end. i am so scared that it will not start perfectly, that i will not be able to be at my best, that i could not give as much as i could offer.

dear life, please don't rush through me. :(

you ought to be very careful with what you wish for.

the two things that i have wished for, for months, are now close to being realised - at the same time. i feel like if i am not careful enough, it's very likely that i will screw everything up.

if there is another life, i will definitely take better care of my little self.

is there such a thing in your life?

something that you wake up every morning hoping that it is right here by your side in a distance that is reachable, and something of a heartfelt desire that is unstoppable?

there are not so many things i want in life, since i sort of think i have already got most of the things i deserve, and the major issue i am concerned with is always more about keeping them than getting more. i have not the time and energy to handle more. i only want what i have to stay mine.

but there are certain things that i simply wake up everyday wanting still and most of them cannot be bought, they are things that i know i cannot ensure that i can have for sure even if i turn exceedingly rich. i am amazed by how the desires linger on. i used to think time helps, you know, since there are obviously things that we think we want, but it turns out that after some time the wanting disappears, and i used to think those certain things i want are among these certain things i think i want.

the fact is i am not even thinking, i have tried my hardest not to think, and then i have also tried my hardest to think as hard as i can, so i may eventually get tired of my own thoughts, thus cease my wanting.

but nothing works, i want us, and it's an everyday thing, and it makes me feel silly at times, because i am feeling too much even when there is not supposed to be much to feel as things stay still, but it goes on, and on, when days are quiet, or noisy, when i am free, or busy, when there are not many people, or too many, when i am sleepy, or insomniac, when i am happy and hyperactive, or pensive and passive.

i am almost sure that this is how juliet must have felt. (yes, i know i am sounding funny.)

one more thing.

i am terribly scared indeed. you see, there are boys you can walk away from, by going to another planet, deleting their phone numbers, blocking them on facebook and removing all of the things that remind you of them. there are bad things to think about, things that make you want to forget them, things that make you feel like you have to try being nice to yourself by walking away from them or everything about you will simply end up pathetic.

but then there is this one boy - there has been this one boy, no matter how far you go you are always with him metaphysically. this is what makes it really scary - because now no matter how far you go you know you won't be able to leave him - because no distance, no time, no nothing matters anymore. he is a seed i planted in my heart, the roots have become tough enough to wrap around my tiny little organ pumping blood, one that decides the functioning of a whole lot of me.

i don't really know how to keep a relationship, i guess i mostly act on my impulse and go with the flow, like sending over silly little things or risky little messages. but i know it just goes on naturally, since this missing and longing simply cling to me. there is nothing i can do. sometimes i try to think about the bad things that hurt me, but the good things always win, i can even know for sure that when we are sweet we are the sweetest - such sweetness has taken over me.

holes on my wall

they need to be filled soon. it has taken me forever. i plan to fill them up with as many madonnas as possible. you see, forever is a word too long.

i am filling them up tomorrow.

i have been really nervous for a whole week, and tomorrow, hopefully, i will get an answer, and please, please, please dear god, my lord, let me have what i want (if it is good for me.)

argh. i miss my boyfriend, but he is sick, and busy, and it would be very inconsiderate of me to keep expressing my flowery affection when he is sick, and busy.

so... hold it, cherry, hold it, and be quiet, please.

當一切到達了瓶頸......

連空氣都彷彿膠住了。積極如我，都找不到出路，拚博到一個發了燒的程度，終於頹唐到一個只能夠等待的地步。來到今天，我只想回復不知多久前的快樂和漂亮，因為我每天花得愈來愈少時間照鏡子，放工回到家裡甚至不願意洗面，因為天氣太冷了，但其實天氣冷只是藉口，曾幾何時我零下幾度都不得不靚，甚麼都捱得過了，我又怎麼捱不得冷，我份人出名捱得。近來活得那樣缺乏興致，覺得生活不知怎的沒有甚麼意義，好像來來去去都是不斷做重覆的事，不斷重覆地做事。我很累了，請宇宙萬物盡其所能給我熱情給我熱誠給我好運氣。當然還請記得，要是我乖乖的等夠了，就給我我最親愛的丹麥曲奇。

i miss you so much boy.

my heart is about to burst into a thousand pieces, i seriously think so.

i swallow words

better than i used to. i think certain things are better left unsaid, since they don't make a difference being said, except worsening what's already bad. ummm, i don't know why i had to rhyme.

winter does really bad things to a person. it makes my skin completely dry, it makes me lose the incentive to look good, it makes me just grab clothes and go out in whatever that keep me warm, it makes me want to sleep - when winter combines period, it makes me lose strength to live. i was thinking about how meaningless life was just this afternoon. it was strange, me out of all the people in the world, me who seeks meaning out of anything, thinks life is meaningless. now that's a curious case.

i even forgot that i had boobs. it was definitely uncanny, i was in the shower, and then suddenly, it was like the first time i realised that my boobs were there. i guess i was too cold to pay attention to them.

winter makes me numb. i hate sleeping in the middle of my bed. i am so cold every night no matter how many blankets i am covered with, or how many pairs of socks i am wearing.

they make me sweat, yet they don't keep me warm and cozy.

心有千千結

winter and everything else depress me. i want what i want to want me, but obviously what i want do not want me as much as i want them. so that's it. the only solution is to tell myself to stop wanting what i want, as that will be the only way to solve this misery.

i am too tired to exist. the weather is too cold for one to sleep in the middle of one's bed alone, yet the only one you want to sleep with is too far away.

i am now too weak even to struggle. whatever will be, will be.

milka

my favourite chocolate in the universe, but it's not available in most supermarkets anymore. my little sister managed to find me a bar of milka the other day, and every bite of it is nostalgic.

when i was in kindergarten my dad would pick me up from school most days, and then we would go buy milka in 7-11, i remember how he used to count the coins to pay for it when he didn't have enough money with him, he was always determined in getting his little girl her chocolate treat, even if it meant emptying his pocket.

now i am old enough to buy fancy chocolates for myself, but it is just different, you know, one day you will grow up to have everything you used to crave, but nothing will be enough to bring you back what you used to have, it is often just certain moments of some quiet afternoons that you miss the most.

我從來都是從別人對我的愛去學懂怎樣愛人，
神的恩典夠我用的，這些回憶就是祂給我最大的恩典。

tall tale

there is this tall tale in my life, one that i accidentally crashed into, and was once forced to get rid of, and had uncontrollably run back to.

i am surprised by how dedicated i am to this one tale. it is all i ever want to realise.

for the things that matter the closest to my heart, i cannot even bring myself to talk about them, since every word will then automatically become wounds once they are spoken.

but it was my choice.

i will just have to rewind my mindset to the stage when i expected nothing but was still happy for the little things i could get.

everything is bigger now, much bigger indeed.

listerine

helps me cry. the longer i keep it in my mouth, the easier it is for me to just drop tears. the hardest part of crying, besides stopping, is possibly starting it, and then you have to think about when to cry, and then where to, and then with whom you can.

it is often a thing you do alone.

it is not like i cried. just that i needed that listerine to take care of my wisdom tooth. it has been hurting like hell for days. but sometimes you just let the pain stay there and be still, and one day when you get used to it you won't notice it's there anymore, but of course until you suddenly bite on it, and oh, there you realise - it has been there all the time.

now, you just have to accept that sometimes you don't get to get the things you want, or get things to go your way. there are circumstances and happenstance and sometimes, you just have to accept that you are not the center of the universe and things don't spin around you and you alone. people can put you on hold, for how long you don't know, but you are granted the pleasure to be on the waiting list, treasure it.

sometimes i think people only love me when they need me. what if i am un-need-able? or maybe i am not even that loved, just that i often mistake "a little" for "too much".

pms. obviously.

i have lived a very long week

and i am living it still. i have returned to the stage at which i'd rather just stay in and be silent, things keep falling on me and i have no idea how i am going to manage anything anymore.

oh well, of course i will manage, i always have to.

but mercury would you please kindly return to your zone? why do you go out of phase every once in a while? have you not noticed that the way you keep misplacing yourself has made the right things seem wrong and the wrong things seem more wrong? oh i beg, i beg, i beg the universe.

fake silver

we are fake silver turned gold. i must have hoped for it
real hard, i must have prayed a lot, too, like
an alchemist of the curious kind.
who knows, i only remember having cried
myself to sleep. i thought it was a pardoned
(or abandoned?) dream, a quick-fixed moon of honey
staying stuck in memories.

i put it on my left hand's middle finger, i heard
that it means, i don't want no other, it is less of
a heavy promise, and more of a gesture
that speaks my mind. i will live with it,
i will, pardon me, if i shall die with it,
i will marry you like that, with
a plain white dress, sandals and loose hair.
(oh pardon me again.)

you have no idea, or maybe you do.
i wooed you first, (was it really me?)
you wooed me then, (you did it, or did i do it
again? no way.) but it doesn't matter
as we are both in it now, all of a sudden,
the cutest, the sweetest,
like nothing was ever broken.
out of nowhere and everywhere,
it happened and it happens that
sometimes fake silver means golden.

every happy girl is a pretty girl.

i am almost as vain as snow white's stepmother, that's why i don't allow myself to be sad for too long, or live too long in dismay, or disgrace, or disappointment or discontent, despite the fact that my boyfriend is right, i do have dramatic mood swings, my ups and downs are swift, drastic and obvious.

someone once told me that the key to success is me, that i am the key to my own success, that if i do not take good care of myself or be as friendly to my spirit as possible, success will not take place. i keep this in my heart and on my mind. i love the idea that out of everything in the universe, me myself has the power to take on things and have them realised.

oh well.

so now i sit and i wish and i wait, this passivity makes me feel a bit caged and unsettled, but if it is mine, it always will be, like the many things that i have lost and found. i have lived long enough to gather enough experience to tell myself that patience and hope are the key to all the long-haul dreams.

my heart keeps yelling at my brain

and my veins go all pumped up, jumping in hot blood. i don't know if it is really because i know things, or it is simply how one feels when one wants things, wanting so much that you are convinced by the thought that it has to be it, that if it is a wish it has to be realised.

i know listening to my own heart always means the best for me, the calling is sometimes too strong that i just dive into actions and keep going. there are often walls to crash but sometimes you'd rather feel the pain.

the other day someone sort of blamed me for being non-responsive. in fact, my responsiveness is very much limited to work-related or family/best friends/boyfriend-catagorised beings, that is possibly my laziness coming to play, but it is also because of how little time and energy i have got left after i have served the first 10 things or people on my pirority list.

going back to the thing(s) i really want, a turning point for me is just around the corner, and may all the powers in the universe come to me and help make it happen.

其實你愛我

我突然明白了，為甚麼我沒有發現呢。
我太投入女朋友的角色，
又很愛扮茱麗葉，只是自顧自地自編自導自演，
一連串疑似錯摸和心碎的情節，
其實你有幾愛我，我都沒有察覺到。

於是我今天像個白痴那樣傻笑了很久，
然後又感動到快要流淚的關頭，
好像我的小男孩終於長大了一樣，
原來他已經懂得關心我、擔心我、著緊我，
他還會想要為我付出，千里迢迢，
一心只想來看我，如果不是因為愛
還可以是甚麼原因哩，為甚麼我可以盲目到一個地步
只看得見自己的心意？

我都不知道我是甚麼構造的。 =_______________=

i summon you love,

hopes, dreams, good energy, positiveness, sunshine, grace, beauty and elegance, you shall all come to me. cheer me up, lift my spirit, and motivate me towards what i want.

時差的壞處

不堅持到可以會面，又要等多一整天。

可悲的消費 pathetic consumption

最可悲的其中一種人生未免是只能藉以消費去獲取快樂的人生，物質主義到一個地步，不買就不滿足，但買完滿足完又再空虛過，為了追款而轉款，因為買得起就去買，分不清需要和想要，就算分得清都不清楚是為了甚麼而需要甚麼，又是為了甚麼而想要甚麼。

如果你對這個世界還有幾分責任感和良心，你就不會捨得這樣漫無止境地助長浪費；如果你覺得三兩天轉一轉手機相機傢俱電器是值得自豪的事，我只能說我真的只能打從心底地為你感到可悲，因為你的人生不過如此，一切只靠推砌，膚淺得一目了然。

卸下了一身華貴，屬於你的有幾多是真正關於你？關於你的有幾多是真正屬於你？

靈犀

我還以為我們之間只有電光火石那樣的衝動，
但原來我們之間還有一份靈犀。
相比起其他情侶，我們的相處
不知道是要叫多還是叫少
一起的時候，永遠都是日夕相對，全世界只有我們倆
過著兩個人的生活，總能快速地適應對方，
親密得像相識很久，又從來都沒有分開過一樣。
我們試過整整一年多沒有見過面，
那時候，連視像會面都缺，
可是他總是能夠在最關鍵的關頭提醒我，
我們有過的不好放手，直至終於見面了，
才明白分不分開都是分不開。
近來我們的感情愈來愈好了，
常常都不自覺地說同樣的話，他說我們想的都一樣，
我們在時差的間距中，各自睡覺又同時醒來，
我們連午夜夢迴的思念都一樣，
甚至是造的夢都一樣，感冒都一樣，
這些那些又怎麼可能只是巧合呢。
就算隔了半個天涯，還得忍受所謂的夜長夢短，
就算整個時空裡充斥著等待，
就算拖手接吻擁抱這樣的尋常事，
成為了最令我們期待的情節，
這份靈犀叫我無論如何都心甘情願。
我說過永遠是一件太漫長的事，
到了這個地步，對著他我還是只敢說「喜歡」，
因為我固執，我想確實地知道他說的每句話和做的每件事
都自動自覺又發自內心，然後我每次等到了就特別開心。
如果我們能夠這樣下去，如果我們這樣也能繼續下去，
我其實真的極有可能愛他一輩子。

if i ever saw a ghost it'd change the way i think.

when i was little my dad often asked me to kiss him on his cheek, i would do that, and then i would always complain about his unshaved face, and then he would laugh.

now i miss that.

we argued the most, for several times i was stubborn enough to not talk to him for a month, but he always tried to make us talk again, one time he broke the ice by helping me tie my shoelaces.

when he was in the hospital for the first day i helped him shave, the tumor was sitting on his nervous system and that made him shout at me every second, even the nurses were scared, but that was how i learnt to know that i could be strong enough to stick with someone through the best of time and the worst of it.

happy birthday there, and i love you.

賜我一道喜鵲橋

隨遇就能安。

織織復織織

將全副心思投放在一個不斷重覆的動作，
一而再又再而三，錯了又拆，拆了又錯。

這件事我從來沒有這樣的起心盰地認真過。

也好，至少這七手八腳的糾纏安置了思念，
讓我走進一個寂靜的空間，
守望一件心事。



問女何所思，問女何所憶。

i am too hongkong.

am i? am i not?

but this is how hongkong goes,
hongkong goes like there is no tomorrow.

something is wrong.

i don't know what, maybe it's me.
i think i have depression.

why is my heart feeling sick all the time now?
i hope it is only because of hormones.
i wish this sick feeling will go away soon enough.

thank you friendship

p: for listening to my monkey dreams, and things that i am interested in expressing, for understanding my pms attitudes, for caring, for sharing, for pub crawling, for dancing all night, for joking, for laughing, for appreciating my company, for being honest, for having fun, for occupying central on a saturday night.

m: for the "cherry rao i miss you" sms early on sunday morning, for telling me that i am smart, pretty and goodhearted, and that i am perfect the way i am, for loving me, for letting me love you back.

i feel so thankful! :) life can't be bad when you need people and you have them.

the monkey dream bugs me still,

besides the fact of me being a pms victim again. i am depressed and easily upset. i feel weak, fragile and unimportant TONIGHT.

speaking of insecurity, i recall this funny conversation i had with someone, we were talking about Mona Lisa and he said she was really insecured that she needed that much security, and i said i was insecured, too, and then he said he was not sure if i was more insecured or Mona Lisa... xD anyways, it can be really funny (to me) when one word serves two meanings.

i am free to write whatever i want tonight because a woman on period can get away with almost everything.

oh well, going back to the monkey dream, i hate that i dreamt of monkeys! it makes me go around thinking people may be playing tricks on me or doing things behind my back etc., combined with the pms the whole thing has turned me into someone i dislike to a serious extent. i hope this feeling will go away ASAP! i cannot take being gloomy and suspicious anymore. :/

again, why did stupid Eve even ate that apple?! but of course she was stupid enough to do so, God did not give her wisdom, and he did it on purpose, so, i guess, God set Adam and Eve up and gives women pms on purpose... i guess? maybe.

ummm. you see, i believe in things like i know them. but of course i don't know that many things, and for all the things i think i know, i am not always sure. but sometimes i do think that i know things, and i think that if i stick with my guts and feelings everything is doomed to fall right into place eventually. am i too optimistic? but i guess, well, at one point, things just cannot go wrong anymore, that no matter what went wrong before, when the time is right every good thing shall attract one another and gather around you and your world has to blossom.

when i am pessimistic i think, well, if you did not make it before, why would you make it now? if someone did not love you back then, why would he love you now? if he could give you up once, why would he stick with you twice?

but i cannot allow negativity to rule, because it is bad. i only get whatever i have now by ever being strong in tough circumstances and keeping up my positive thinking. i lived a year in which i had pretty much nothing to count on, actually, i lived some years like that, from time to time throughout my whole life, but still, now i am almost proud enough to call myself a self-made person. (i don't have a lot still, and a lot of what i have now can only be mine with me being continously working my lungs out, but so what. i am still glad.)

speaking of romance, you see, the thing is not really about how much i am wanted, at times i am quite certain that it has to be at least very much, but i'd rather not go around calculating, the problem with me is that i have trouble figuring out how much is too much, and whether enough is enough etc., at the end i think none of it matters that much.

if my heart leaps only to one person's existence, and if my ears yearn only for his sweetness, and if this wanting does not stop, and if i sincerely mind getting close with anyone else but him, it is easy (for me) to decide what to have, and what not.

whatever you do or do not do.

the monkey dream

i consider it a nightmare everytime i dream of monkeys. they don't mean good, monkeys are cunning, they play tricks on you, fool you, and make you slip on banana skins so they can laugh "gwa gwa gwa" right at your face.

ummmm. no good.

i guess it is the pms again. i am damn tired, sleepy and weak, but i have got loads of things to accomplish still. oh life, oh life, you are moving too slow and too fast at the same time, how can that even be possible?! but you have managed to do so! great, awesome, fantastic. clap, clap.

第二夜

又回到那個人生中最冷的冬天。

在哥本哈根的第二夜，

我們步行去Chirstiania

那是一個禧皮士聚居地。

當時的天氣，

冷到我以為自己的心藏都要停止了，

走了很久，我們走到一條橋，

他發現我異常地安靜，

便問我怎麼了。

我一下子崩潰了
說我冷得快要死掉。

他慌忙地問我怎麼不早點告訴他，

就帶我走進了咖啡館取暖。

其實我真的很麻煩，

又怕冷又怕大風，

又貪靚又畏高，
又揀飲擇食又怕死，

手腳無時無刻都很笨拙。

機靈的，一直都只有腦袋吧了。

it goes on clear

today i slept, i woke a bit at 2pm, ate pancakes, drank hot chocolate, looped the same "i want you" song for 4 or 5 times until i ran out of energy to press replay, sent over a sms, and fell asleep again. the sunshine which leaked through my window was glamorous, i even thought to myself that i should go jogging, but when i woke again the sky was dark already, i saw stars and it was nearly 7pm. mom came in to ask what i wanted for dinner.

it has been forever since i last enjoyed such long sleep! i sincerely love sleeping.

they say a crush lasts for 3 to 4 months, and a fling is usually over once you have got that person, logically speaking, no amount of puppy fondness can make me crave this one particular person so extremely much, as they also say that every boy gives love and hugs.

i have always known that it is not just another coincidence, no way can it be the oh i just happen to fall in love with you kind of randomness, that will not in a million years make any sense to my cherry thoughts.

my feelings for my own boyfriend are simply dramatic.

那天下著雨

我本來要穿綠色恤衫和粉紅色絲襪
他笑著問我是不是準備上幼稚園
於是我不情願地換上了深藍色的裙子

那天的雨愈下雨大 天氣也很冷
我們去完教堂 又去過了博物館
我說不想回家 想先去吃個下午茶

但我們都沒有打傘

他牽著我的手走了很多條街
我說要放棄 他卻很堅持

明明車就泊在附近 要回家也很容易
但我看著我們不自覺地笑起來了
我竟然還真的找到這樣的一個人
陪我做這樣浪漫的事情

終於兩隻落湯雞走進了一間精緻的咖啡館
吃了美味的批 喝了溫熱的茶
(那是用特別香料煲的印度奶茶，窩心地好喝，現在想起也回味)

你想我時我也想你
但我答應了自己
不能灰心不能氣餒
不能埋怨也不能發脾氣
我要絕對盲目地為等待崇拜

因為我真的覺得我們值得
也因為你是我最重要的決定
你是其中一件令我覺得不枉此生的事情

js3242

i got a little white car the year i got my driver's license
my father got it for me it was a love at first sight
and that year i was nineteen
we used to drive to the sea where i would park my car
and we would walk to the sun to its setting
it was such a good year and we had love we had peace
and life was a bliss
but one day my dear life faded away
i sold you at a price that screamed no way

and i will forever miss you my js3242

big tea rice

we crave this big tea rice dream, in which we do life
carefree, we dream of living in another country, acting out as
drama queens, owning a hostel, and
opening a bakery. we love for loving and live for living
and we wish to earn our big tea rice
without cutting back on
dignity. we are the most hardworking girls we know
as we move our heels above our toes, we are
desperate to meet
everytime we kick our knees, yet
time times our time together, how obsessively mean.
but i know, for sure, and i am more sure than anyone i know,
that i know, one day we will eat that rice and drink that tea,
all those that are big of mastery.

someday i will own a cozy little shop

above which, on the 2/f it will be a cozy studio flat where i live. i will put up some seats outdoor, like a cafe, for people to do cozy little chats, inside there will be stacks of books on filled shelves, records of old school music, artworks that speak, the smell of coffee and cakes. there will be poetry sharing or writer talks in the evening, when at night there will be bands performing, acrostic, and everyone will be drinking wine, even dancing.

well that is just one cosy little thought.

小偷

我的雙腳總是冷冰冰的。
不過有人縱容我去當個偷體溫的人，
在冬天來到的早晨
說那溫度是我應得的。

這溫熱暫時還隔了半個天涯，
但我的心頭已經暖到肢體再冷都頂得住。

這幾個月來的甜蜜指數爆了燈，
我還是每天都為我們的美好出神。
原來爸爸沒有誇張，
終於有一天，我們都會明白，

有些人真的住得進你的骨子裡。

紅豆

日又掛 夜又掛
這樣長久地廝磨
是否就能夠造就長相廝守的可能？

見不到面，卻依然勁中意。
這是甚麼道理呢？:)

就因為這個人拿了真心來給我回應
連等待都變得這樣心甘情願。


此物最相思。

rehearsed steps on an empty stage

that boy's got my heart in a silver cage.

the more he wants me, the more i want him.
i am always going to want more, it is doomed
like the dazzling stares.

they stare at me while i stare at you.

three beautiful things

1. today i realised i am already one step closer to the life i want, and that my hard work each day is worth so much more than i have imagined. respect is a hard-earned thing and now i am starting to believe that my efforts will not go to waste. :) i only hope that i am good enough for what i want. with all my heart i will persist and then i will succeed!!! (hopefully.)

2. the greatest luxury to me lately (which i finally have time to experience tonight) is to have the energy to dance to MGMT in my own bedroom. (it may sound a bit pathetic but, but, but! i don't care! i have to dance to feel alive!) ohhhh and andrew of MGMT...! <3 :) indie rokkers is the sexiest song.

3. hugo boy came home for dinner tonight, and at one point he screamed "i kiss you!" and then he did, with a big big kiss on my cheek (even with audio effects!) we played the monster game and i kind of enjoyed pretending to be killed by a superhero! it brings back so many of my childhood memories! :) how i love my baby nephews (and thank god that they love me, too!)

tomorrow i will have a lot to do again, but to help me survive i always have the idea of a sweet vacation on my mind. :) :) :)

i can feel him.

strange! but i notice that i can. i tend to know it when he misses me. i guess when two hearts are connected, distance really doesn't matter - except that the waiting can get a bit bitter sometimes.

but the bitterness only enhances the sweetness afterall, i know it because i have been there. :)

i am still doing it because i know we are worth so much more than i can imagine, many of the best moments that happened, they weren't all that imaginable. i cannot count how many times the idea of us took me by surprise.

each time i thought to myself that it would be the best it could be, but i was wrong, it turns out that the best keeps getting better.

i really hope to see him soon! but now that i know it is just a matter of time for us to meet, i am actually beginning to enjoy waiting.

i will wake up happy everyday

if life means waking up to see that face.

i think god is only trying to balance the universe out by making me wait, since it simply and automatically means granting me all the happiness in the world placing him near, and it will not be fair letting someone have that much joy that easily.

(i guess.)

this is how i do not mind, the one thing i truly want, i have it now. it occurs to me that it doesn't matter putting people before me, or taking things upon my shoulders, because i can afford doing so, and all i need to do is to keep going, the universe works things out for you when you worry less about your own fate. (i think.)

at the end of the day i am always thankful and happy, as life is full of grace and beautiful, and with all those lovely people life has placed around me, i really cannot complain. :)

besides all that, MGMT has taken me high tonight. i think i have developed a seriously huge crush on Andrew VanWyngarden. he makes me want to go back to being 14 again and have his name as my e-mail address instead of that nicky from westlife. (i know, ridiculous!) he makes me feel like i can stay up all night dancing to myself. (jarvis cocker did it to me.) he makes me want to have all his pictures printed out and have them covered my room's wall (like what i did with johnny depp's pictures when i was at the dorm.)

i am always a bit too much, everything i do, everyone i love. i know not how to give less, it is always either all or nothing.

once upon a time, this poem by Rod McKuen went through the pieces of my broken heart.

Where will I rediscover you
and will I?
The question sits on all the lips of those
who lie in bed alone. You is/are the name
each of us give to what we love the most
or what we have not, will not know.

And it is almost always that One, absent,
Gone, through circumstance
or happenstance.
Where did I lose you and when? Did it
Happen even as we knew we were
discovering each other that first time.
Was loss a piece of swelling
big as the enlarging heart?

Sweet basil growing greener reaches up
and through the grass like weeds.
Mallards form a rope across the sky
coming from the south in secret.
Cinnamon Teal bring up the rear.

An early thaw has made all canyons
into rivulets.
The daisies saying love me now
or love me not.
If I have thought about you more than
now it must have been some other me
living in a different heartbreak house
surrounded by some other hedge of memory.

I have been to town and back, to Greece
in dreams and in reality. To far shore,
near field, streets between and always I
have sought you out; on yellow days in
yellowed pages, through rages of the mind
and heart. I do not start out on a trip to
corner or beyond without you for you
have never left my head or would be heart.

Where will I come upon you, if I do?
Perhaps in death or life again. When?
Perhaps not ever, what then? I'll give
It another day, a week. Another month.
A lifetime more or less, then I'll give up.

這些年

當全世界都在懷緬那些年的時候，我還是比較在乎這些年。那些年我都還沒有遇上過愛情，暗戀過的人已經不知道是為了甚麼而去暗戀，明戀過的人又沒有甚麼原因戀下去。今天看了星島的一篇文章，說得好，「如果真的很愛很愛，我們怎可能甘願錯過？怎能忍受自己畢生最愛被其他人牽着抱着，餘生再也無法長相廝守？」還有，「要是青春離你還近，你根本不必緬懷青春；要是你現在愛情幸福圓滿，你才不會有時間回憶多年前那段無法圓滿的愛情；要是你這些年來過得很好，又怎麼需要頻頻回顧那些年遺忘了的錯過與微小？」事實就是這樣了，關於愛情，我的那些青春年少的歲月，沒有甚麼非常值得懷念的過去。

我的所有年少輕狂都發生在這些年裡，神奇的事情就這樣發生了，而我還在每天為這巧妙的安排驚訝，我們在一起的時候，只是開著錄像傾個閒計，都快樂到我充滿意欲去胡亂叫囂。我喜歡我總能做我自己，偶然對著他一發不可收拾一下。

青春還在流逝，而我相信這些年終於會成為我最珍而重之的那些年。

i made a wish on wing lok street.

i happen to recall it just now. we were sitting on the stairs after the halloween party across the street, having finished a bottle of wine and some vodka. suddenly there was a big fat rat running down the street. i am a super fan of wish-making, because i have been told by my mom all the magical stories about rats, snakes, frogs, elephants and butterflies etc. ever since i was little.

that's how i have grown up with the habit of making wishes to all the strange creatures i see/do not see everyday. it has been years since i last saw a rat.

so at around 4am in the morning, i made a wish to a rat on wing lok street.

as a side note, rats are seen in Hinduism as the vehicle of Ganesha, the remover of obstacles. the coincidence was that i actually prayed to him on the night of Diwali last week, which is the festival of Lakshmi, because Ganesha and Lakshmi work hand in hand, Ganesha removes obstacles so Lakshmi can bring beauty and good fortune. the last time i prayed to any Hindu gods was about 4 years ago when i last visited thailand. i don't have a religion but i sincerely believe in every wonderful thing in the universe. whenever there is a chance to wish for something (in an innocent and harmless way), i always make sure that i make it, and make it on time. :) i hope i did, too, this time! though it is more or less the same wish i make everyday, it is important.

我們的相處

我總是一台錄音機般
他按一按制
我就開始表達。

其實他不是個多話的人
但他似乎很享受他每說一句
我就說十句
那樣的相處模式。

我總是那麼不能自控地
一發不可收拾。

我很喜歡我們啊。

心機

我的心機都是身邊的人給我的。
我有最生性聽話的細佬妹，
也有最善解人意溫柔善良的媽咪；
我有最特別可愛的朋友仔，
還有最無法形容的男朋友。

他們給了我所有推動我前進的動力，
這個世上沒有說沒有誰不可以，
也不是沒有誰會活不下去，
因為無論如何，人總要活下去，
但沒有了誰總會令人生失去一些意義。

所以我總是很珍惜。

來到今天，唯一與我還保持聯絡的前男友
就只有我的男朋友。他是新的，也是舊的。
其他我喜歡過的或是喜歡過我的人，都成了陌生人。

有時候，所有無法繼續的關係，只能歸咎是緣盡了。

難怪只有我們完了之後還是沒完沒了......
昨晚造了最甜的夢，
不知何時才能見面呢，我和我的寶貝親愛。<3

my fragility

one of my best friends once told me that he thought i was scarily strong on my mind, in a night when i told him i would be crying myself to sleep for a silly matter. i think i am, too, most of the time. i am good at swallowing things, or fighting back when necessary. i am not afraid of apologizing for my or somebody else's mistakes either.

but when i am weak i am extremely weak.

last night, in the middle of a conversation about dinosaurs, my neighbor's kid asked where my father was. i fell silent for a while, and then he asked what my father did for a living, and whether he was at home.

years have passed, but i don't think time has worked its magic on me, or maybe i was born a stubborn person.

on most days of the week, i am busy like hell and super tired, sometimes it is only because i want to care less about the things that make me feel. i can't even talk about it as much as i need to, since i know it can still make me cry right on spot if i am not alert enough regarding how to hold myself together. i was only brave enough to lie awake at night thinking of the past, whatever and whoever that has passed me by.

but i gathered some guts and told my little friend that my father has passed away, and once the words were said we were all silent, he was too young to know to say "i am sorry" like most adults would, and i appreciated that.

i love how little kids love me, how they get excited seeing me, and how they cling to me and ask me to read them stories. i love how they are not afraid of saying "i miss you" right at my face, how they care about what i like, what i have done for the day and where i have been. the last time i saw my hugo boy he held my face like i am a darling little dear and kissed me on my cheek. it was so sweet that my heart melted.

suddenly something has happened to me

as i was having my cup of tea

suddenly i am feeling depressed

i am utterly and totally stressed

i think i will go nuts

if i don't get to see my boyfriend soon, literally speaking, not at all dramatic.

人來人往 (舊的新詩)

那年夏天特別的熱
我們窩在你寄居的地方
半夜 本應寂靜的街道有貨車駛過
荷里活道的醉酒漢發著酒瘋唱著醉歌
你總是驚醒 也從不習慣這繁榮
人那麼的多 到處都是鬧市
房子那麼的小 空氣懸浮著粒子
不過我們有的是愛情

你的國家像塊煎餅那樣平闊
我的城市建築在一片凹凸不平
畢竟在這兒活了大半輩子
為著半份理智 我放任生活
做艘拋了錨的巨輪 浮載我到人海裡
營役而奔波 無息又無聲
一天一天 按耐著青春 按耐著日子
在鐵的車廂裡 面目模糊地 擠得很逼

家常閒話

A: 哎呀 12點啦 我要去訓
B: 突然要走 灰姑娘咁
A: 哎呀 係呀 我架南瓜車呀
C: 你漏左隻玻璃鞋喎
A: 等王子執返俾我啦 早抖

A - 我/ B - 阿妹/ C - 媽咪





（其實好像已經很久沒有人叫我公主了。）

not just a typical city boy.

one of my best friends, he remembers all my dreams, even those that i have forgotten.



because to me he is a not just a typical city boy
because to me he is so much more
he helped me believe things are more than they seem
and to have some hope

i am always thankful for all the wonderful friends i have in life. :)

five angels for the millennium

in ARoS museum's lowest basement level there is an exhibition space titled 9 spaces, the 9 spaces are rooms that display installation artworks from artists all over the world. i have been to ARoS twice, and when i went back there the 2nd time i hurried into the 9 spaces, i could not wait to get into the room where bill viola's five angels for the millennium was located.

museum should be fun and a mystery, there should be something for visitors to explore and reflect on. (the hongkong museum of art is simply boring. everything is only there to be displayed. interaction is always limited. the entry fee is extraordinarily cheap, but in hongkong time is money, too.) the 9 spaces give me goosebumps because they are mystical, you can easily find yourself overwhelmed by light, darkness, colors or reflections there. it is almost like a maze. i have forgotten the name of one of the artworks, but there is a room of too many mirrors, and everywhere you turn you run into yourself in a never-ending sequence continuing towards all directions. i think the artist is damn smart.

oh but five angels for the millennium by Bill Viola tells a different story. it is an artwork related to the re-occurrence of life and death, i wish i have better words to describe it. i felt like i was in my mother's womb again with all those dawning of sounds and evolving lights and colors breaking away from the darkness. the space was filled and it aroused in me some psychological effects much similar to something between butterflies in my stomach and a workfree sunday afternoon lying on my bed with the sunbeams coming through the lace curtains shining on me while i listen to dying in the sun by the cranberries kind of peace. but here the story goes: it was the coldest winter and i was there for the first time, the room was all dark, he said he couldn't see me, so he held my hand, and when the angel ascended, he asked, "it's death, can you feel it?"

and then he kissed me.

this is when memories hijack an art piece.

p.s. if you are head over heels for someone, there is always at least one reason.
p.p.s. have you noticed how tomb and womb rhyme? it occurred to me just now.

i always keep this one thought on my mind

that i am good enough, and i will always do better.

i am seriously freaking out inside me right now. what if i am not good enough? oh but how good is good enough.

i have been tortured by a recurrent task that consumes me like a vacuum cleaner. it sucks my creativity out of me and imposes on me stubborn formalities.

i need to shave my legs tomorrow morning.

the penny.

he gave me a penny when we first met, and i have kept it ever since. i have never been good at keeping things, but i am so good at keeping the things he gave me, maybe it is because there are not that many to keep, though to me each of them is dear.

if i die young

because the lyrics are too pretty. (it makes me want to ignore the fact that i am a bad singer.)



but if i die young, this 55 seconds of singing in particular shall be for my mother (woodtouched.)

is it what they call making an impression?

i imagined filling the space with my presence, you know, like how it's like in a movie, everywhere you turn you see the pieces of memory of a certain someone pressing lightly onto reality, in a "i swore i could feel that she was here" kind of way. i imagined him feeling me reading "to kill a mockingbird" across the room while he used the computer, or me holding a glass of white wine behind him while he was in the kitchen making dinner, or me walking into the room while he was half-asleep during tour de france etc. i wished my loveliness would stay stuck there.

we don't get moody for no reasons.

i have once again realized how much of a pms freak i truly am. i have spent the past few days in ridiculous thoughts, stressing myself so much that i cried myself to sleep, because 1. my mom said i was picky on food, and 2. i can't even bring myself to say it, but for some moments i kept thinking about how those i really care about may not really care about me etc., of course that's not true. my senses and spirit are immediately restored after my period has arrived today. i even feel thankful that my boyfriend is not here, since it would spoil our time together if i act like a moody monster or an edgy hedgehog around him.

it certainly affects me a great deal, it depresses me like a gloomy sunday.

i don't have much to write about lately. but i am thinking that it's about time i start paying attention to how i look. at time i find myself very much like a cow, maybe an indian one in particular, i work too much, i eat too little and i keep yearning for the carrot hanging down a fish-pole just an inch or two before my eyes... ! my whole appearance is screaming low maintenance straight to my own ears. this voice will soon drive me crazy.

cheery cherry you are only young once!

how do you measure how dearly you are treasured?

it rained all night last night and i was kept awake by too many thoughts.

alchemy

months ago i dug out this fake silver ring he gave me and i have had it on since then. it is the only ring that ever fits my fingers, they are too small even in local size. i had put it in a box for a year and more before i dug it out again. it was all worn out and yellowish because i used to wear it all the time, even in the shower. i have been doing the same for approximately 8 months now. when i first dug it out even my mom said it was too rusty to be worn. she said people would laugh at me for wearing a ring that old, but i insisted.

sometimes when i look at it, it looks almost golden. i am thinking that if i keep wearing it, it may eventually turn into gold someday. i am happy enough to keep it on the middle finger of my left hand, but if i ever need a wedding ring someday, it will do just fine.

something can still mean a great fortune to someone even when it looks entirely worthless. because i was young and fearless, you know. and i had more guts than i do now, and there is only this one ring in the entire human history that falls into the history about us walking through causeway bay to find a ring that could fit. it happened on that one particular night and i am never going to become 22 and live that summer ever again. although another summer happened and history is in its process of making still.

if there is a ring to make me feel pretty, if i really need to be wearing a ring to make me feel pretty, then this is it. i have this one ring on my hand that is worth nothing but already more than all the rings on earth to me.

there are more or less always strong reasons for every ridiculous thing i insist to do.

time is everything and nothing.

the parents and teachers used to say i was pretty, but the kids at school, especially some of the boys, always found the chances to make fun of my skincolor being darker, and then they grew up, and then they ran into me in the malls or on the streets, said i was pretty and wanted to stay in touch.

but i haven't run into one that grew up to surprise me, they are often just bigger versions of their little selves.

untitled

finally i am in a relationship i want. the relationship we have has somehow turned into exactly how i have dreamt of it to be. the changes involved are sort of mysterious. but here we are. after so many months of my wishful thinking, here we are, i have never felt so together with anyone else. :)

i think i can fall in love like i have never been hurt before. everything is so much different from the first time now, and maybe we have both grown up a lot, although i am still as silly as a girlfriend can be, i have never been a sweeter girlfriend to anyone else. i never thought i could be this sweet in fact.

i let things slide pass me quite often because there are many things i can do without. but for the things that i really want, i do my best to have them secured, and it turns out that they are all people. i believe that we can to a certain extent be on our own, and some people just come and go, but there are people i absolutely do not want to do without. i will have to keep them well secured as far as this life goes, because in my world they make life go.

old bathwater

i still love to wash in your old bathwater,
you make me feel like i couldn't love another.

hello stalkers.

if you like my writings, or my attitudes,
or me as a person,

feel free to leave a comment, send me a message
or get connected on facebook.

because i want to know you, too.

i hope what you find here
means something more than gossips to you. :)

happy stalking!

rocket brothers crack and burst

i don't know what kind of music i like. i think i sort of like all kinds, and no kinds. it all depends on too much of everything. i like it when the female vocals sound hysteric or brokenhearted. i like it faster than slow, but hate it when it gets too fast i can barely hear the words. i like it when the male vocals hit higher notes in a chorus. i like songs that are named with a specific date or time, or a place. i almost like all songs with "california" in their names. i like songs about pirates or romeo and juliet or a kiss or when a guy sings about a girl being a princess or songs with biblical or mythical or historical reference, songs that one needs to decode to know the essence. i like songs that sound all innocent when the theme is basically about sex. i like it when it is rough, when sometimes the vocal speaks the lyrics in a lower voice. i like it when it is a live recording and the vocal changes some of the lyrics or murmurs something in or out of context. i like the 90s most. i like grunge. i like music you can do silly dance moves to. i like it when it overwhelms my room and hugs me to sleep. i like it when it comes with a guitar solo. i like it when it is a duet. i like it when i think it is cute. i like it when it is nostalgic, lively, or super dead. i like it when it speaks my heart.

today i like this song, it reminds me of how my elder brother used to drive me school when i first entered the university, and then not anymore. it reminds me of how my elder sister used to did all my haircuts and hairdos, and then not anymore.

sometimes when people grow old, they grow apart. sometimes you are not even replaced or misplaced, you simply lose your place. it is a small family we have now. i cannot say we are not happy, because we have never been in this much of harmony and peace since dad passed away. i think mom and i have done pretty well. but sometimes i miss the full house we once lived in, when everyone came home for dinner and there were almost always around 10 people at least. that was another kind of good, and another kind of life.

如隔三秋

這件事情真的很嚴重，話說我們只是一天沒有聯絡，
已經有恍如隔世的感覺。

能夠一直這樣掛念著對方就好。

being in class makes me feel bright.

it is always a lucky thing being a student, i knew it when i was still a student, and i know it even more since i have started my life as a working girl. this is my vanity. i have always been sort of a nerd in all the subjects i love. i have always got the tendency to indulge myself in some sort of attention-seeking kind of quick responses to the teachers' questions. but of course for classes i don't like, i mostly daydream, fall asleep, read books under the desk or do homework of other subjects.

life is too short, if we can, we shall only spend our time on the things we enjoy doing.

i feel a bit pathetic because i am 24 and at the end of the day my biggest satisfaction comes from an afterwork spanish lesson. i will need a real career real soon. i cannot always be a part of someone else's something. i want me to be that something someone wants to be a part of.

maybe steve jobs inspired me like he inspired the world. today (well, yesterday,) a genius passed away. i have never been an Apple fan, and to be honest, i do not care about whatever gadgets out there as i only need what i need and enough is enough. BUT

i am always amazed and blown away by the fact that there are actually people out there creative enough to change the world. steve jobs is one of those people who completely altered people's and even societies' communication and behavioral patterns. (though i am not sure if some of the changes are good changes.) but quoting Ivy Poon, "every change is a chance."

creativity is of utmost important, without it, an elephant in a snake will always be viewed as nothing more but just a hat. (now that goes back to the little prince.)

i suck at many things i do, singing, dancing, drawing, making crafts, playing the piano, i even suck at playing the tambourine, but so what, as

my creativity goes beyond what my hands can do, that's for sure. :) (if only there are people who can read minds or i can find ways to put thoughts into actions. ha!)

when i am sick i spend more time on my bed staring at the empty ceiling and daydreaming.

nostalgia is the word today. there are lives that cannot be lived twice, second chances that cannot be given trice. autumn hugs me like a coat hugs a kid. i have been dizzy-minded and completely unmotivated for 3 and a half days already.

sickness is a scary thing. it knocks you down just like that, without a warning. i know, it is merely a flu, no big deal, we all get it from time to time. BUT ME. ME. i have been sick every 2 weeks since i don't know when. =_______= how can i not be annoyed? why am i not healthier? not to mention how much i hate spending my money on seeing the doctor. oh well, though i love dr. chan. he is so gentle and his medicine always works. <3

i get to start doing sports soon. seriously. :/

i am scared whenever i feel unmotivated because most of the time i am one of those people who have to keep doing things or thinking about things to feel like things are working out, when i am unmotivated, the world stops. (it seems to me.)

i want to wake up tomorrow and feel positively motivated and energetic and may my flu and the flu that is knocking on my beloved door be gone, amen.

最保險的做法

應該是愛一個不需要愛情的男人；
一個習慣孤獨又甘於寂寞的人；
他不會很愛你的，也許年年月月日日都只能說句喜歡；
但卻比誰都更加一往情深。

有些人總有兩手準備，
我都曾經有滿手準備，因為我很害怕寂寞；
因為我自尊心強，我怕有人以為我沒有他不行，
我總是想證明給人看，
我不是沒有誰會不行的那種人。

在更大的程度上，是我很害怕我會需要人、倚賴人，
我寧願我永遠是被需要和倚賴的一個。

不過我已經兩手空空了一段不短的日子，
因為所有二手、三手的準備，都不再有意義。
原來我不是想要男朋友，我只想要他。
我可以自己一個人過日子，但和他在一起，
會比快樂更快樂一點。

我抱著一種不成功便成仁的心態去應付這一次，
因為沒有他也不想有別人了，
我知道我無論去到那個世界，
都總會懷念留戀我們單純美好的世界。
我總是希望我們從來沒有分過手，
因為我曾經傻傻的希望，
我可以從一而終地過日子，
終於拍得成拖了(因為不知怎的在他出現以前總是沒有一次拍得成)
就可以手拖著手走一輩子。

到目前為止，
他都不愛我(至少我還未聽他親口說過)。
但如果這個程度的親愛就只是叫喜歡，
未來就很值得我期待。
(因為他的喜歡大概大過別人的愛。)

和思念糾纏一個晚上

凌晨二時，我有衝動想說掛念他，不過我沒有說出口。因為他說過，思念說多了就不再不平凡。其實，我個人認為他再說多少次，我每次都會像是第一次聽見一樣，不過如果物真的以罕為貴，我也只能不情不願地吊高來賣，於是我發著半燒地道了晚安，整晚都睡得不好。凌晨四時，我醒一醒，拿起電話又想傳短信，說句掛念蝕不了多少吧？可是我還是逼自己轉身再睡，傳說思念捱一捱就捱過了。凌晨六時，醒來想起第一句說話，還是「我很掛念你」。有時思念真的很纏人。我把電話推得遠遠的，幾乎要仿傚《寂寞的十七歲》，做一個自欺欺人的動作，傳一個短信給自己。

終於，在這個沒有工作的星期天，我在八時就睡醒了，從來都沒有想過，思念可以這樣不眠不休地和我糾纏一個晚上，好啦，我投降。

然後，十萬八千公里以外傳來一句：「我掛你更多。」

我的喉嚨很痛，頭很重，鼻水流不停，走步路都欠體力，但如果快樂是等價交換的，在這從天而降的感動和不請自來的感冒之間，我找到了滿足。

at the airport

i arrived in a 15 minutes plane
with a bandage on my leg
covering scars that i got
6 in the morning. i was sure
that they were still bleeding, judging
by how each step was aching.

i forgot my passport on the plane,
people knew to call after my name -
thanks to its baby pink hello kitty cover,
it was a bit too eye catching, belonging to
that girl with elephants
on her pale blue dress, that girl
who took the mysterious fall in copenhagen.

i rushed into the bathroom, attempting
to clean up, and put on some make up,
i was trying my best to cover up
that tiredness out of the 19-hour flight and
30 hours of excitement-caused-sleeplessness.
it was important to have my eyes wide open,
when he saw me i needed to be my prettiest.

i came out to find my yellow luggage gone.
in that little airport, all lights were off.
the exit spared no time to slide open, the next thing
that came into my eyes
was he in his blue checkered shirt, leaning against
the painted wall, so handsome, so tall, when he saw me
he stood up straight, both of us smiled.

we walked towards each other,
i felt a pair of giant hands pushing
hard behind my back,
he hugged me, i kissed him.
for months and months those hands
never ceased. it has to be
how the universe wants us together.

and then my lost belongings were re-discovered.

幸福的滋味

我近來變得很深閨，身子很弱、皮膚又很差，上班時總覺頭昏腦脹，下了班只想衝回家去安睡。到底是太累了，也開始為前途擔憂，這樣又過了半年，又是時候為未來打算，尋找方向，重新出發。

長途戀愛其實也不容易，我忙完一天，到午夜了，他才放學回家，幸好都只是6個小時，尚且還負擔得起這份我說早安你說晚安的宿命，忙與累裡亦偷到半點時間一起做功課，其實他也深閨，我們就像兩隻蜘蛛含情脈脈地守在網上，我們都不是很先進的人，我的電腦很慢，慢到不能有兩個頁面同時作業那麼慢，我們都喜用懷舊手機，當全世界都在whatsapp的時候，我們還在死不心息地互傳著逐個收費的短信。不過我繼續相信，人就是要這樣才懂得珍惜，手到拿來的幸福無法令人希罕，花些心思，我就能在有字數限制的短信裡，用最短的字句表達最多的浪漫。

別人說，所謂的真愛就是不斷地愛上同一個人，竭盡所能都無法離得開的關係。如果別人說的是真的，我們就不可能是假的。不過我總無法很確實地知道他怎樣想，我只知道我的估計總有落差，於是我連估都不願估了。但原來這樣是最好的，因為我甚麼都沒要求過也不表現期待，才會知道他為我做的都是自發和發自內心的，而他在不知不覺間已經為我改變了太多。

我是忠心地擁戴等待這回事，因為我知道只要我們願意事情變好，事情總不會一面倒地差，也因為我有過太多太差的經歷，也有過太多太美好的，我總緊記那份能夠偷天換日的堅持。媽媽教得好，她教我們要記著幸福的滋味，在最苦的日子裡，記得自己曾經擁有過甚麼，正因幸福那樣存在過，受點點苦沒有所謂，再者，人生總要齊集陰晴圓缺才算完滿。

我一個人就想起我們倆。

我們感情這麼好。

我都是這兩天才發現

原來我們的感情這麼好。

偶然和朋友提起他

說到我們之間的一些小事

還有我為他做的我以為理所當然的事情

他們都會驚嘆我們的感情這麼好

然後我才意會到

我們在乎對方的程度

應該比我想像得到的還要多了。

雖然思念很磨人

但這樣美好的東西還是值得等。

可以快點見面就好了。

what i like to talk about when i get to talk about things i like to talk about.

so i should well conclude that my period has decided that it should skip september this year. so that's it! after a long week of annoying symtoms i.e. headaches, exhaustion and moodswings, it left without ever having arrived. (i love how the typhoon has distracted me. :D!)

i like talking about my periods, since it seems to ease the pressure and pain a little bit. i also like talking about my unshaved legs, what i want to talk about regarding them is that i now have less and less reasons to have them shaved, firstly it is because of the weather, and secondly it is because of the fact that i have bought some pairs of skinny pants. hahaha! but most importantly, well, i don't need to worry about going out on dates every friday night anymore. that's probably one good thing about long distancing. i also like talking about it when i am missing or wanting someone, because saying the words out loud seems to make me feel like i have done something about it already, and oh well, human beings tend to feel good when they feel like they have done something to a situation, even though when that something done is usually of very little use. but our hearts react, you know, after you have spelled it out, comfort is granted upon hearts.

everynight i miss sleeping in those arms in which my tiny self fits perfectly. every single night it is.

IIover

"llover" in spanish means "to rain" in english. a smile climbed onto my face when i learnt about it, as it cannot be more right - the association between lovers and rainy weather. i am often amused by puns and wordplays, and how languages and cultures cross over one another in different ways.

now what i need are persistance and time to really learn something this time, (thanks to the tyhpoon though today i don't need to go to class!) and then i will have Neruda all to myself. i thought it was romantic learning my boyfriend's language, (but his language was too difficult and my language buddy sort of abandoned me, haha!) thus, now i am learning a language for the poet i dearly adore. (i think it is something one should do when one is still young, i.e. indulging oneself in another world.)

the songwriter lied.

he wrote this song for this girl called delilah, and all these years i thought about how he must be very much in love with her. but last week i saw him talking about it on youtube, it turned out that he only met this girl studying in new york and thought she was pretty and so he wrote a song. that was it. =_____= (oh, lately i love this facial expression.) so my romantic bubbles burst into a thousand pieces. i actually thought it was a love story filled with romeo and juliet special effects. but i could mean every word in it if my boy would just kindly allow me to. my friend has forbidden me to mention my belated period to him again. thus i have to come here and write about it. i am extremely moody because of it. i have been living the past 5 days in a "i can cry any minute" mode and this is just so not how i am supposed to be. :/ my name is cheery! bring me back my cheery cherry! i have been stupid enough to dig my own wounds. i went back to my old blog, the one where i had written for years and finally abandoned 2 years ago. i wonder how i survived those days, i was positive even, when a relationship ended i was brokenhearted, but somehow i managed to thank god even, simply for the fact that beautifully it happened. (why am i rhyming now?) was i ever a real person? sometimes i just can't believe in myself. that girl has love. yes, i am now self-obsessed enough to be amazed by my old self. i am terribly sad. but i can't be sad, at least not so terribly, as my greediest wish is somehow in some magical hours realised. it will be a waste not to make the most joy out of it.

oh, and one day i will have to go to the sahara dessert.

您是我唯一的玫瑰

今天放工為家裡那個只愛玫瑰花的可愛女人去了花墟一趟，當你想到你有大半生的幸福都來自同一個人的時候，就恨不得想把整個宇宙的美好都送給她。

life in a fast-changing city

sometimes it feels like i can hardly keep up. my heels are moving non-stop and i am all worn out. i love hongkong but dear hongkong can you maybe kindly slow down a little? i need all the time in the world to figure this little life out. besides, my perceptions and attitudes on things are like at least 200 years backwards. i must have been born to the wrong age. or that something went wrong in my incarnation.

誰人又相信一世一生這膚淺對白 =___________=

i wonder if that silly thing has arrived yet. i haven't dug a hole deep enough to hide.

我唱得不夠動人 你別皺眉

today i woke up with a giant headache. i think i need to start adding varieties to the people i talk to before i fall asleep, because one thing about dreaming is that, you usually dream of the people you last interact with, or those you last think of, and last night i had a weird dream of a mixture of people that is bugging me a lot now.

oh i am about to have a fever i can foresee.

when the water is too deep

i will just have to start swimming.

i am the pirate you are the princess
we could sail the seven seas

these two lines bewitched me.

i think it is too late to be angry for what happened two years ago.
i don't know why i didn't get angry back then,
i am sure i was pretty upset, but i was too weak.
god made it a lot easier by having angels sent to me
but a part of me is still hurting from time to time.
i am still as silly as i ever was,
and there is this one thing that will never change.

me.

sometimes i can't help but wonder if history repeats itself.
if it does, i must be one of those people who never learn.

so at the end of the day i have only got myself to blame.

that look.

i caught him giving me that look the other night. the look a boy gives to a girl when he for a moment seems to realize all over again that she is something pretty.

how i love that look on his face.

i am not myself these days. if there is any word as close to how i am behaving, it is "depression". it is more than just my ordinary melancholy. it has to be the late period. i am paranoid. the pure idea of existence scares me. i am afraid of everything unseen and unhappened. i keep thinking of all the what-ifs and it literally drives me insane. i feel like i am a trapped soul in this earthly world, and that i am going nowhere and that no matter where i go i am going to end up the same. i am afraid of the future. i lack motivation to act. i have to be constantly telling myself to do things. i have lost the drive.

what is happening to me? i hope it's just hormones.

i am in love with the voice of that PlayRadioPlay vocal and it depresses me just as much, he sings too much of a pretty song. :/

by the way, last week i was all funny and romantic and positive and passionate, this week i regret having done one of the silliest things i could ever do, now i am just waiting for the consequences...... i hope it won't freak him out. *fingercrossed*

and i will have to try acting sane again.

i am digging a rabbit hole now

and diving into it soon. this weather will not let me go. it hangs above me like the empty ceiling. i am depressed (note: i am using passive voice, not adjective.) maybe i can start blaming it on the belated period, and the cold rain that fell on me today.

oh autumn. i used to love you but not anymore. i want summer back. i need summer sunshine's vitamin D to help me produce positivity. i cannot stand this lonely weather anymore. it reminds me too much of the days long gone too constantly. :'(

it is stupid to feel sad for the past. it is silly to be dwelling on what cannot be anymore. but life is scaring the hell out of me. sometimes i feel like i cannot last any longer. how will i ever be able to get through it if misery and happiness do nothing but repeat themselves?

my own heart exhausts me. oh cheery cherry come back to me, please.

i freaking heart him.

i freaking do. i wish i could eventually tell him. i reckon he already knows. but he may only think that i am dramatic or exaggerating things as usual. oh but i do. i do not mind liking him more than he likes me, and i do not mind either, if i always have to make the moves. i will make all the moves because i seriously love us. i think it takes an extremely stupid person to not treasure what we have.

i am head over heels for him. each time i see his face i feel like i am looking at him for the first time and falling in love all over again. sometimes i wish he were a girl and i were a boy so i can do more than my gender role allows me to. the butterflies in my stomach are crazy enough to bring me down on my knees.

i am a freak. i freaking heart him. even though he has been mine for quite some time now, this feeling only refreshes itself basically all the time.

i think people have to feel like this for at least one person throughout their lives, just that not everyone talks about it, but i am not embarrassed to confess my crazy self, since those who like me, like me like this.

today it feels as though i have fallen into a timeless hollow.

it must be the weather, the slightly cool atmosphere mixed with rain, it feels a bit like the aarhus summer, it feels more like my father's season. i stayed up late last night playing the guitar with my little sister, (she was the one playing the guitar,) i did not go out, as a flu was coming after me i could feel. but it was friday, you know, once you go to sleep it would be saturday too soon, and then the holiday would be over, and then it would be all about work, and then a lifetime would have passed you by already.

this weather is a bit depressing, i keep listening to songs that are either vintage or filled with teenage lovesickness, they have dragged me in a lovesick mood again. the sky is gloomy, my room is dark, the world is too quiet. today feels like a day to be filled with everyone i can possibly miss. i want to gather them all in one room and have heart-to-heart talks

or share this silence with some companies.

oh well, but you know, some people, they are not here anymore, and they never will be physically present again. i am sad every autumn. i know how life has already happened as good as it can though. i used to turn a deaf ear to my dad while he was talking, as i was a teenager and rebellious, but these days his words come back to me and do great help, especially when i am most desperate for comfort. it was like he knew what would be the most useful to me when i am confused and on my own.

these sweet tunes saved my day! <3

望穿秋水

沒有被記下的生活恍惚是白過了一樣，有些人活著是為了白字黑紙，不斷地為未來製造可能懷緬的事情，我是那樣的人，因此我是我最忠實的讀者，這是出於自戀的本能，還是我真的徹頭徹尾地熱愛我的生命？

好了。事情是這樣的，我近日又做了一件瘋狂的事情，不過acting on impulse是年少輕狂的特色，我還未能預計他收到那份我在郵局親吻過的禮物之後會有甚麼反應，不過我倒是自得其樂（我總是自得其樂），我就只需要有個人，給我衝勁去製造浪漫之餘，又可以承受甚至是回應我的心思。

我想，「望穿秋水」這四個字最能形容我當下的感受，我早就說過，他會是我最貪心的願望，我明明是個知足又易滿足的人，唯有我們倆的這件事情令我很執迷，拍拖明明是尋常的幸福，相親相愛的人滿街都是，不過我要見我的親愛的就得承受一年去幾次歐洲的奢侈，機票是可以賺的，但賺機票要花時間，我最缺的就是時間，我又沒有本事用最少的時間賺最多的機票，最諷刺的事情終於發生了，一個從來只愛才不愛財的人，心甘情願地讓金錢主宰了她的幸福...... :/ (我沒有所謂手到拿來的幸福。)

愈困難就愈困難，好像是命運有心處處要我挑戰極限一樣，我又不甘心不堅持，因為我知道我不可能找得到更親愛我或我更親愛的人，這樣的一個人，就只有這麼一個了，時間很短也很長，日子過得很快也很慢，但年年月月日日我很想愛他。

我等 ─

等多久都等。

青春就只有這麼一回了，你不活就活不了。

i have almost decided to stop writing.

seriously. at least here, as i don't know if people are reading because they like what i write or they care about me, or because they want gossips or things to make fun of. i did not care so much about it before, but now i do, i should not, but somehow i do. unless i am to make fun on purpose, which i seldom do, most things written here are not supposed to be funny. sometimes, i think if one could read my mind, or just feel the way i feel, one should be in tears.

i find it funny that people stare at the scars on my leg more often than i expect them to be stared at. at first i was almost convinced that it was only because i thought people were staring. but i am not exactly stupid enough to not be able to tell whether people are staring or not. sometimes i even forgot that the scars were still there, until i followed someone's gaze all the way to where they were, and then i was reminded of their existence.

i think my period is due in one week, since i am feeling my hormones again. they run through my body like some annoying little elves. why does a woman have to go through the same pain every month? it is not fair. why am i always complaining about it? i am annoyed.

oh well. but everything written here expires the second i leave here. i will always write about the same thing again if i happen to feel the same again. i do not mind. what i do not like is the me today being judged by how i was yesterday. what happened, happened, what is gone, is gone. you get to be good at moving on.

lately i feel really bad about not being able to see my dad again. i know. it's an old story now. but some stories break your heart constantly. maybe it's because of the mid-autumn festival, i have not yet met a person as crazy about mooncakes as he did. hey! old man! i miss you. :/

the only comfort is that i know he will always be proud of me. or that i am good enough to make him as proud as a father can be.

because there is no cinderella story

and everything has to be hard earned. because you can pray for good luck to fall on you, but not for someone to rescue you. because you know fragility, the way some people can just disappoint or disappear, thus you'd rather have people counting on you, than to have yourself counting on anybody, the only person you can rely fully on is always yourself. i think there are million things i can do, and that i am able to fulfill my life. i prefer to give more than i can take, simply to make sure that people do not think it a loss working/dealing/being with me. (i am just reaffirming my beliefs.)

life is moving too slow and too fast at the same time. i have waited all week for this friday to arrive, but when it got here i got totally bored. luckily milo was with me, she took me to the reservoir and there we watched the sky. we tried to catch midnight in paris by going to three different cinemas, and failed. but the night in hongkong was still lovely.

i always want to play the piano when i am most tired.

i wish someone would pay me to write eventually, so that i can have all the time in the world to write day and night, and dig all the way till my heart bleeds. i love words because i am secretly a control freak. i want everything under control, thus i write. because writing is the only thing i can master, in my most helpless hours i wrote the most, and somehow my own words got me through, because no matter how bad reality got, my words were always graceful, and i sort of know for sure that they always will be.

may thy grace be with me.

dying in the sun

i don't know how to explain this contradictory feeling inside me. i think i have known him far too long, and that we have been together forever already, but my heart still leaps to his presence, the slightest thought of our first kiss drives the butterflies in my stomach wild, that huge smile on my face will not go away. i have never been this much in love, even with him, it is the first time i feel so. i feel surreal. i don't know how i have come this far to get so close to where i am now, or what i have.

my little sunflower

is gifted with a giant smile, calling me aunt

in a sunbeam-like energetic voice, transcending light,

lighting darkness. we were running on the rooftop

in the night of mid-autumn, having fun in the game of monsters

and kung-fu, he was playing bruce lee being defeated, lying on my

laps with his eyes closed and his mouth half-open. he loved it when

i screamed and mourned, saying "oh little dragon, don't die,

wake up!" he would then leak a little smile -

and i have not seen anything more cuddly my whole life.

he arrived that year after my father died, he used to sleep

on my bed for quite some time,
in each of those mornings i turned around

and said to him "good morning", kissing his cheek, and there,

in each golden autumn he shone the brightest,

smiling at me the sweetest smiles.

it is sometimes a bit annoying

when someone assumes that you can do something simply basing on the fact that they do something themselves. seriously, it can be like that but it is not always like that. people are different. (this i keep in mind, too, as i may go around assuming things from time to time when i am not paying attention to my thoughts.)

if you can claim a person your friend and sleep with him/her (and that you can have many friends like that and can do the same with many bodies), that's just you. although the case is rare, but there are actually people who wait all their lives hoping that they can find that one true love and sleep with just one person for the rest of their lives. it is easy to go all flower-hearted and fall in love as often as one can. but there are things that a person does or does not do. we all have certain bottom-lines that we try our best never to cross. falling in love is one thing, sleeping around is a different thing. this is more or less a matter of personal choice, but your choice is not necessarily everybody else's choice. some people would rather not make that choice.

i waited all my life for this one thing to be done right. i might have a million crushes and a few boyfriends before but here is this one thing i can do with just one person, if i were lucky enough it would be just this one person for the rest of my life. (amen.)

i don't crave sex, i crave the two of us. if it can happen with anybody, it is probably worthless.

當時的月亮

不得了。

我日有所思，夜有所夢到一個連夢境和現實都快要分不清的地步。

請宇宙萬物盡其所能讓我可以盡快看得見又碰得到我的丹麥曲奇 ─

我要我們在一起。如獲大恩，感激不盡。

the moon shines through the window onto my bed.

after the party last night, i drew the curtain open and slept under the roundest and brightest moon ever. life has been graceful lately. it is like a long period of hard work and misery starting to get paid off finally. my job in the office is annoying sometimes, i am getting allergic to one particular task, and that task follows me around like an always hungry dog. but life has been well. all these people around me, i love them dearly.

i enjoy having one of my best friends living so near. kayu and i were chilling on the rooftop and there we waved at the mountains opposite to us on which our shadows were projected. i wish we could have it photographed but the cameras in our phones could not manage. *sigh*

it was milo's birthday last saturday night and we were supposed to go see a play, it only turned out that the usher with a voice that everyone in the theater could hear said to us, "your tickets are yesterday's." thus we made a good laugh out of it and hurried away. we spent the night on the green lawn where milo played the ukulele. it was such a lovely night with the silver moon hanging and the last summer breezes chilling. autumn was on its way.

i bought some roses for mom from the flower market yesterday, and on my way home i was thinking how important it was for me to bring her roses whenever i can, considering the fact that this woman basically wants nothing for herself except her children being well, and that every dollar i give to her is automatically spent on me. it simply takes some blooming roses to make her happy. when i was young i hated to carry flowers for her, as i would almost always run into the boys in class and they would tease me for that. (stupid boys.) she has a saying that the more flowers one carries the more loveliness one carries, but of course, it was not enough for the teenage me to get pass the humiliation some teenage boys could give.

but now i don't mind, every time i carry roses with me i feel lovely myself. i am happy that finally i feel good in my own skin, like everything finally fits, and for quite a long time now i don't even need any make-up to help me feel pretty.

why do we blog?

because we always have something to say, but no one is here to talk. we are self-centered, we want long conversations with our thoughts, but not long enough to not get any response. we want people to think - we want people who are interested in our thinking to think. we are tired of failing dialogues with blank minds and nonconstructive gossip exchange.

that's why we blog. we can be a little self-obsessed, but here it is a world that spins around our personal universe. we have opinions on things. we put things into words, one on one and mind to mind.

people like us, those who live on feelings and feed on thinking, are often in desperate need to express themselves. if they could they would do it out loud, loud and clear like mexican crowds, but ideas sink to stillness in quiet hours before they surface and shout.

do you know what it's like constantly running away and afar with your own thoughts? i was told that i complicated things - but indeed, look, here, i simply just think. (that's why we need our brains.)

i am in love with my brain. i only fall in love with brains - the sexiest part of a human being.

i am extremely into decoding stuff

as mythical as the two of us -
the sweetest thoughts in my heated head,
and the slightest touches of our held hands,
perfecting me in its presence.

here comes that smile - the smile
(a girl smiles when she falls in love.)
it grows on my face like beaming bulbs,
and then the rabbits hop their jumpy walks -
delighted steps craft on my waist
creeps the caterpillars crave.

he cast on me a mythical tale,
weakening my limbs, our privileged hiss.
left on my chest his name checked yes,
spelling it mine or nevertheless.

that was just the perfect time and place to do a little dance.

i was buying roses for my mom in the flower market tonight. and there the magical moment arrived, and there i danced a little dance to my own heartbeats, and there i thought i was close to getting a heart attack. (people were looking at me strangely, the girl with 3 bunches of roses and a big smiley.)

now there, it was a moment for which i will spend the rest of my life feeling happy. remember this, cherry rao, remember this.

magical thinking

we need some magical thinking to get us through life. sometimes my thinking becomes too magical when i slow down and take a look at my surroundings it gives me a major shock realising how bad things can actually be. i am often afraid of losing that point of balance. what if i go too far without knowing? what if my thinking carries me away?

but i have only got this one life to test things out. if i succeed i succeed, if i fail i fail. it is just this one life and this one chance and this one shot.

i don't want to have to look back one day and think about all the "what ifs". i want to make sure that i have tried my best, and hard enough, and no matter what happens next it wouldn't be my fault not having succeeded, that it would be merely fate, as i out of all things already did my best.

i give my heart to everything i do, and to everyone i love. even my soul is naked to a certain extent. but there is this little thing - once i lose heart i can hardly bring myself to give again - although i do not lose heart easily, i have this magical rebound power that allows me to go through the same thing more than once (luckily.)

may this magical thinking stay with me. (lately i am mostly inspired by vanessa carlton.)

there is this sickness without a cure.

i am too much, there is too much of me -

there is too much in me. i am overwhelmed

by my own presence, my presence
accompanied by his absence -

but he is almost always here. oh dear,

maybe i am spoiled now. i could take days before

even weeks. maybe a month or two even.

i knew, sort of, i always knew, that there was -

there IS this bond, paths twisted, tangled,
stronger than physical companies.

but now i want, i want and i am wanting still.

i seriously want to be with him.

there is seriously no backbone in me.

“You must be the change you want to see in the world.” - Gandhi

i cannot count how many times i have come across people saying "people won't change." i can only at most agree with the saying "some people never change." while i absolutely believe that there are people who change over time/ for different reasons/ eventually.

because i have not always been like this. i have changed as well, over the years, having bumped into major events that have cast lasting influence over my little life, i changed a lot, and i have met people who changed, from good to bad, or from bad to good.

and most of the time, indeed, it does not matter whether people change or not, the changes in life happen mostly along the changes you make in you.

can we not for a second believe that the world does spin around us most of the time, that we are often really the center of the universe? so each of us can spend less time lusting after what other people are doing/ what they have, and focus on each of our world cultivating the soil on our own land?

i seldom get jealous, (though i can be a little possessive and i absolutely don't like people putting their hands on my belongings... is that jealousy? haha.) because/but i am quite sure that what i have, i would not trade with anybody else for anything else, in some sense god/the universe/life has already given me the best of things. even though i whine often about my boobs being too small, i still prefer them over anybody else's, simply because of the fact that they are mine.

so here is a little drawing i did today, titled "i really want to make love to my boyfriend." (roars.)

asking for it

"We had just gotten off tour with Mudhoney, and I decided to stage-dive. I was wearing a dress and I didn't realize what I was engendering in the audience. It was a huge audience and they were kind of going ape-shit. So I just dove off the stage, and suddenly, it was like my dress was being torn off of me, my underwear was being torn off of me, people were putting their fingers inside of me and grabbing my breasts really hard, screaming things in my ears like "pussy-whore-cunt". When I got back onstage I was naked. I felt like Karen Finley. But the worst thing of all was that I saw a photograph of it later. Someone took a picture of me right when this was happening, and I had this big smile on my face like I was pretending it wasn't happening. So later I wrote a song called "Asking For It" based on the whole experience. I can't compare it to rape because it's not the same. But in a way it was. I was raped by an audience, figuratively, literally, and yet, was I asking for it?" - Courtney Love, 1995

was she asking for it? why do people always assume that when someone does something, it automatically makes them (morally/legally) rightful to react in certain invasive ways? whatever a woman does with her body is her own matter, she exposing herself in public does not grant you the right to expose her in public without her permission, the same applies for men. there is nothing as "if you do this, i do that" without a mutual agreement made and stated beforehand.

is it too late to comment on the edison chen scandal? (well, but this is my blog.) i have often thought that people are extremely hypocritical criticizing the actresses while they flipped through the photos. not even one of those photos had i looked at, because those photos weren't taken for me, and they weren't supposed to be looked at or judged or followed-up. people were just shameless taking pleasure out of exploiting other people, and it was made ok because almost everybody else was doing it. i seriously don't think there is a problem if a couple decides that they want to keep some photos for private use, the only things that went wrong was that 1. maybe the girls didn't know there were other girls, 2. they trusted the wrong person and 3. edison was careless and stupid regarding how he just handed the computer over to a third party.

but that really shouldn't be our business. who are you to judge? one day you will get married/fall in love, and have sex, and there are things you will consider sweet doing with your other half. you may want to photograph it or video-tape it when you feel beautiful, and there is absolutely nothing shameful about it.