創舉

今天我完成了兩件創舉

人生有太多如果

我沒法肯定甚麼

但總有屬於我們的

最美好的時光

29th feb

i have picked the best timing to do the craziest thing.

it was possibly stupid

but you see, when a thought clings to you for way too long

you know it has to be realised somehow.

i don't know how certain ideas occurred to me, i have

no idea, too, why my heart clings to certain thoughts.

oh but that's just me.

i fear no fate

(for you are my fate, my sweet)

but honestly, i fear.

i have forgotten about how i lived

those times. now i have come to a point

of extreme fearfulness for life itself

and i cannot even tell.

i am so tired of everything all of a sudden

and i am paranoid to an extent that

i cry almost every night.

i am afraid of saying goodbye to people

and ending up never seeing them again.

but i have no time even though i know there may not be another chance.

i have no time. life is a lot of things compressed together lately -
life is passing me by while i am rushing through it.

i have to stop dwelling in the past.

no matter how happy it was, i cannot stay stuck there forever.

(but memories get us through the hardest time...?)

it is within me that the good times always last.

i am in the lovesick mode continously, i am extremely busy
but still, he is always on my mind,

all day long, all the time

and i will have to go through it a thousand times.

it is because i know how good it can be
and i know that what already is the best can get better still, and

life has shown me that if i am to wait

and be good, and be patient and continue what i am doing -

my moments will come eventually.

oh cherry.

leap year

quite a while ago i wrote about the leap year.

it is said that on the 29th day of February, girls get to propose

and most proposals are likely to get a yes.

when i wrote about it, we weren't back together yet.

if i had the guts i would at least do it once.

累了也不想睡

因為只有這些時間是自己的，

屬於自己的時間就只有這些了。

每天在辦公室裡趕這趕那，

我覺得奇怪的是，

難道其他人都不想回家？

不用回去陪陪媽媽嗎？

兄弟姊妹有沒有相聚聊天的時間？

我一秒鐘都不能少，因為我還有外快要賺，

我有幾萬字的稿要校對，兩個小孩子的功課要對，

而在這之前我還要坐個多小時的車回家，

這是我的問題，也許老闆請個人回來，

沒有想過她會有這麼多負擔。

生活就是用時間換錢，

再用錢換時間。

不把時間賣出去就沒有錢，

沒有錢，有時間，都沒用，

因為會有煩惱。

我應該慶幸我的時間還值得個錢，

把青春賣了出去，賺得到頭家。

人是一間屋

爸爸常常這樣說。

人是一間屋，屋裡面又住了人，

出面的那個人不重要，重要極都只是一間屋，

最重要是要保護得到住在裡面的人。

因為人是一間屋。

最快樂的人，把自我縮到很小很小，

忘了自己，就少了怨氣，喜鵲砌橋已經夠辛苦，

天涯海角都給你去維繫，你怎麼還埋怨

喜鵲砌的橋這樣不濟，砌完又拆，拆完又砌。

我要當個最快樂的人，因為這是我的選擇，

人是我揀的，工作也是我揀的，

我想名利雙收，又想才色兼收，

口口聲聲說要愛個愛遍天下的大男孩，

又徹頭徹尾想要做藝術作家在中環返工，

現在只好硬著頭皮走下去。

天空請你不要持續灰，

你想要的都擁有了，山長水遠的都來找你了，

日日夜夜陪過在你身邊，你還傷心甚麼呢？

人生都是眨下眼就逝去的事情，

要記得大師種花不是為了要生氣，

你愛人也不是為了要自取滅亡。

縱然沒法習慣分離，總能學會相愛珍惜。

你快樂所以我快樂，不過在萬水千山走遍之後，

記得回來找我 ─ 因為我等多久都等，

因為我是小王子遇到的

那個最虔誠的點燈人。

這件叫長途戀愛的事情，

真的不是普通的磨人。

heartlessly survived

life is too much, and i almost cannot deal.

i had the sweetest 7 days, 7 of the sweetest days in my entire life. normally, according to everytime before, i would still be happy even after we parted, but i suppose it is always easier being the one who leaves than the one who stays, because the latter cannot avoid going back onto the routes or into the room filled with the absent presence of the other person.

that's how i have been feeling, for four days now the memories of us smother me. it was like i was living the days we lived all over again, all on my own though, when i could just hear him next to me, saying the things he said when we passed by a certain somewhere. i could almost feel his embrace when i slept. sometimes i even thought that when i turned around i would still see his face. the memories haunt me like a hungry ghost everywhere i go.

but he is so much closer this time, physically. but i am so much closer to him this time, not just physically.

now i see why, why couples are supposed to stay together until love fades, and then they move on, getting rid of each other is more or less like getting rid of a habit in that case.

but there is no way i can get rid of him at all, and i don't want to, considering how being with him brightens and lightens up my whole world. i know you should not count your happiness on someone else, and that you should be a whole person yourself to love another whole person.

but dear, oh dear. how do i continue to be how i was when i did not manage to keep my heart with me this time?

i have been crying for a few days for all sort of reasons, for missing my boyfriend too much, for worrying about my family, for office drama, and for the passing of the only Uncle i know from my father's side. i remember how he looked just exactly like my father when he walked into our flat after my father passed away.

i thought 2012 would be a good year, we said it so when we welcomed its arrival.

愛是儲回來的 ─

感情要累積。

我驚訝我用了多少日子，年年月月，反反覆覆，

一而再又再而三的等待和堅持。

真愛離不開，

就是離開多遠都離不開吧。

被思念淹沒，我快要瘋了。

how much closer can two people get?

for most days of the week he picked me up from work,

we were together as long as time allowed, although it felt like so little time it was,

with half of each of the weekday being devoted to work.

but then there was always him whom i looked forward to.

it gets harder each time we part, it feels like i am left in a mixed up time and space, when he was here it felt surreal, and when he is gone it feels cubist.

at least we are only half a day away from each other this time.

i have had the sweetest birthday and valentine's day week, we went to places we went to 3 years ago, and i was surprised at times when he remembered things that happened back then.

last night he got me a ring that fit.

i am in insane love with this boy. the room is so quiet now without his presence, i will have a hard time adjusting. :/

but every piece of sweetness we have had is worth every piece of me.

oh cherry be brave, suddenly we will be again.

courtesy to my quietness

oh i am in heaven

and i am in hell.

a whole week of nearly no sleep, a million tasks on my duty list
and being insanely in love with my boyfriend at the same time

i did not know how i managed.

but finally it's friday.

i am addicted to us, the way we live
and the way things fall fit when we are together.

he bought me a rose

and a ring

and he is taking me to find another ring that fits my finger tonight. the one he got me yesterday was just a symbol, he said, since he knew my finger would be too small for it.

i am thrilled.

and he is here again.

this experience is entirely surreal.

i am overjoyed.

there is as much me in you

as there is as much you in me.

time engraved, your me in you, my you in me.

period pain, nightmares & workplace-phobia

there are plenty of things going on lately, half of them happy, half of them just sad. i wish my period will come tonight, in an hour or so, it has been affecting me for a whole long week already. i thought february would be a short month, why is it so long now? or maybe i will find it short again when my boyfriend is here. oh i can't believe he is coming for my birthday! i have been dreaming of it for how long i do not know, a very long time for sure though.

sometimes i really wonder why people have to be so mean, that when a thing can be solved peacefully and in harmony, i wonder why anyone would rather decide to do it the hard way. i am sure that it does not make anyone feel good hurting people, or does it? how often do you kill a life just because you can? life is supposed to be handled with care, right, yours, mine, even a small ant's life deserves respect.

i miss everyone awfully lot, i feel quite lonely lately, being the latest comer and seemingly the youngest person. i am not good at socializing, indeed, i have no idea how i have made that many friends all my life, but i guess sometimes people just click, and sometimes it doesn't happen that way. i feel that i may lose my friends eventually, for i seldom have time for them, and i feel really bad about that. sometimes i get depressed and wonder why everything has to be so hard-earned, it is really depressing when trying your best is hardly enough. inspire me life, with no harm done, inspire me, please.

but i thought you could survive anywhere as long as you are sincere, hardworking, helpful and nice. i hope i am smart enough, i really hope so. i wish my old man was here, although he might laugh at me for crying over silly little things, he would have patted my hair, and told me to always be farsighted, like he did everyday when i was stressing over my A-level exams, isn't it good to have a dad around, someone strong with a loud voice, whose hands are big and comforting. mom has been sweet as always, but i hate to worry her, as it breaks her heart thinking that i could be happier.

but one thing i know for sure: when my boy is here, i will be the happiest. i look forward to turning 25. i will have to make it a good year, with all my heart and a whole lot of my soul.

我驚到震。

當一個曾經甚麼都企硬，又問多兩句都發脾氣的人，

突然之間完全遷就你，只要你高興他甚麼都肯做，

你真的懷疑你做了甚麼。

spider at the bus stop

tonight i was alone waiting for the bus home, and there i saw a little spider, working its way up and down, weaving a web. aren't you brave little thing, i admire your dignity. little creatures amaze me, the way they find their ways, the way they find one another. i am often amazed by the collective force of a group of ants, the way they come together and move dead bodies, how can they be so good at keeping up with one another's pace? my little brother said it is because they live in a 2D world. i wonder if that's true.

i always keep in mind that respect is a hard-earned thing, that you cannot just walk into a room expecting people to respect you simply for how good you look or how important you seem, because that's nonsense, and most importantly, only the very ignorant and shallow people give away respect like that. thus i will work my hardest, i will give the best of me and squeeze my mind and be the most efficient and the smartest, because i am not only working to earn my salary, i am here to cultivate my being.

that was why i had to leave my comfort zone. i am not going to whine now, as it is important to stick with one's choices. i wanted it and i got it, and now all i have to do is to make it worthwhile.

the same goes for career, and the same goes for love. i wish i were a little braver like that little spider, so time and distance and pretty girls do not dishearten me, so i could cling to my stop and weave my web all over it.

by the way, how often do you kill a life just because you are scared (or just because you can)? snakes are like that, you know, of course most of the time they kill because they are hungry, like us, but you see, they attack fiercely when they are scared. we human beings are not so much different, aren't we.