幸福的滋味

我近來變得很深閨，身子很弱、皮膚又很差，上班時總覺頭昏腦脹，下了班只想衝回家去安睡。到底是太累了，也開始為前途擔憂，這樣又過了半年，又是時候為未來打算，尋找方向，重新出發。

長途戀愛其實也不容易，我忙完一天，到午夜了，他才放學回家，幸好都只是6個小時，尚且還負擔得起這份我說早安你說晚安的宿命，忙與累裡亦偷到半點時間一起做功課，其實他也深閨，我們就像兩隻蜘蛛含情脈脈地守在網上，我們都不是很先進的人，我的電腦很慢，慢到不能有兩個頁面同時作業那麼慢，我們都喜用懷舊手機，當全世界都在whatsapp的時候，我們還在死不心息地互傳著逐個收費的短信。不過我繼續相信，人就是要這樣才懂得珍惜，手到拿來的幸福無法令人希罕，花些心思，我就能在有字數限制的短信裡，用最短的字句表達最多的浪漫。

別人說，所謂的真愛就是不斷地愛上同一個人，竭盡所能都無法離得開的關係。如果別人說的是真的，我們就不可能是假的。不過我總無法很確實地知道他怎樣想，我只知道我的估計總有落差，於是我連估都不願估了。但原來這樣是最好的，因為我甚麼都沒要求過也不表現期待，才會知道他為我做的都是自發和發自內心的，而他在不知不覺間已經為我改變了太多。

我是忠心地擁戴等待這回事，因為我知道只要我們願意事情變好，事情總不會一面倒地差，也因為我有過太多太差的經歷，也有過太多太美好的，我總緊記那份能夠偷天換日的堅持。媽媽教得好，她教我們要記著幸福的滋味，在最苦的日子裡，記得自己曾經擁有過甚麼，正因幸福那樣存在過，受點點苦沒有所謂，再者，人生總要齊集陰晴圓缺才算完滿。

我一個人就想起我們倆。

我們感情這麼好。

我都是這兩天才發現

原來我們的感情這麼好。

偶然和朋友提起他

說到我們之間的一些小事

還有我為他做的我以為理所當然的事情

他們都會驚嘆我們的感情這麼好

然後我才意會到

我們在乎對方的程度

應該比我想像得到的還要多了。

雖然思念很磨人

但這樣美好的東西還是值得等。

可以快點見面就好了。

what i like to talk about when i get to talk about things i like to talk about.

so i should well conclude that my period has decided that it should skip september this year. so that's it! after a long week of annoying symtoms i.e. headaches, exhaustion and moodswings, it left without ever having arrived. (i love how the typhoon has distracted me. :D!)

i like talking about my periods, since it seems to ease the pressure and pain a little bit. i also like talking about my unshaved legs, what i want to talk about regarding them is that i now have less and less reasons to have them shaved, firstly it is because of the weather, and secondly it is because of the fact that i have bought some pairs of skinny pants. hahaha! but most importantly, well, i don't need to worry about going out on dates every friday night anymore. that's probably one good thing about long distancing. i also like talking about it when i am missing or wanting someone, because saying the words out loud seems to make me feel like i have done something about it already, and oh well, human beings tend to feel good when they feel like they have done something to a situation, even though when that something done is usually of very little use. but our hearts react, you know, after you have spelled it out, comfort is granted upon hearts.

everynight i miss sleeping in those arms in which my tiny self fits perfectly. every single night it is.

IIover

"llover" in spanish means "to rain" in english. a smile climbed onto my face when i learnt about it, as it cannot be more right - the association between lovers and rainy weather. i am often amused by puns and wordplays, and how languages and cultures cross over one another in different ways.

now what i need are persistance and time to really learn something this time, (thanks to the tyhpoon though today i don't need to go to class!) and then i will have Neruda all to myself. i thought it was romantic learning my boyfriend's language, (but his language was too difficult and my language buddy sort of abandoned me, haha!) thus, now i am learning a language for the poet i dearly adore. (i think it is something one should do when one is still young, i.e. indulging oneself in another world.)

the songwriter lied.

he wrote this song for this girl called delilah, and all these years i thought about how he must be very much in love with her. but last week i saw him talking about it on youtube, it turned out that he only met this girl studying in new york and thought she was pretty and so he wrote a song. that was it. =_____= (oh, lately i love this facial expression.) so my romantic bubbles burst into a thousand pieces. i actually thought it was a love story filled with romeo and juliet special effects. but i could mean every word in it if my boy would just kindly allow me to. my friend has forbidden me to mention my belated period to him again. thus i have to come here and write about it. i am extremely moody because of it. i have been living the past 5 days in a "i can cry any minute" mode and this is just so not how i am supposed to be. :/ my name is cheery! bring me back my cheery cherry! i have been stupid enough to dig my own wounds. i went back to my old blog, the one where i had written for years and finally abandoned 2 years ago. i wonder how i survived those days, i was positive even, when a relationship ended i was brokenhearted, but somehow i managed to thank god even, simply for the fact that beautifully it happened. (why am i rhyming now?) was i ever a real person? sometimes i just can't believe in myself. that girl has love. yes, i am now self-obsessed enough to be amazed by my old self. i am terribly sad. but i can't be sad, at least not so terribly, as my greediest wish is somehow in some magical hours realised. it will be a waste not to make the most joy out of it.

oh, and one day i will have to go to the sahara dessert.

您是我唯一的玫瑰

今天放工為家裡那個只愛玫瑰花的可愛女人去了花墟一趟，當你想到你有大半生的幸福都來自同一個人的時候，就恨不得想把整個宇宙的美好都送給她。

life in a fast-changing city

sometimes it feels like i can hardly keep up. my heels are moving non-stop and i am all worn out. i love hongkong but dear hongkong can you maybe kindly slow down a little? i need all the time in the world to figure this little life out. besides, my perceptions and attitudes on things are like at least 200 years backwards. i must have been born to the wrong age. or that something went wrong in my incarnation.

誰人又相信一世一生這膚淺對白 =___________=

i wonder if that silly thing has arrived yet. i haven't dug a hole deep enough to hide.

我唱得不夠動人 你別皺眉

today i woke up with a giant headache. i think i need to start adding varieties to the people i talk to before i fall asleep, because one thing about dreaming is that, you usually dream of the people you last interact with, or those you last think of, and last night i had a weird dream of a mixture of people that is bugging me a lot now.

oh i am about to have a fever i can foresee.

when the water is too deep

i will just have to start swimming.

i am the pirate you are the princess
we could sail the seven seas

these two lines bewitched me.

i think it is too late to be angry for what happened two years ago.
i don't know why i didn't get angry back then,
i am sure i was pretty upset, but i was too weak.
god made it a lot easier by having angels sent to me
but a part of me is still hurting from time to time.
i am still as silly as i ever was,
and there is this one thing that will never change.

me.

sometimes i can't help but wonder if history repeats itself.
if it does, i must be one of those people who never learn.

so at the end of the day i have only got myself to blame.

that look.

i caught him giving me that look the other night. the look a boy gives to a girl when he for a moment seems to realize all over again that she is something pretty.

how i love that look on his face.

i am not myself these days. if there is any word as close to how i am behaving, it is "depression". it is more than just my ordinary melancholy. it has to be the late period. i am paranoid. the pure idea of existence scares me. i am afraid of everything unseen and unhappened. i keep thinking of all the what-ifs and it literally drives me insane. i feel like i am a trapped soul in this earthly world, and that i am going nowhere and that no matter where i go i am going to end up the same. i am afraid of the future. i lack motivation to act. i have to be constantly telling myself to do things. i have lost the drive.

what is happening to me? i hope it's just hormones.

i am in love with the voice of that PlayRadioPlay vocal and it depresses me just as much, he sings too much of a pretty song. :/

by the way, last week i was all funny and romantic and positive and passionate, this week i regret having done one of the silliest things i could ever do, now i am just waiting for the consequences...... i hope it won't freak him out. *fingercrossed*

and i will have to try acting sane again.

i am digging a rabbit hole now

and diving into it soon. this weather will not let me go. it hangs above me like the empty ceiling. i am depressed (note: i am using passive voice, not adjective.) maybe i can start blaming it on the belated period, and the cold rain that fell on me today.

oh autumn. i used to love you but not anymore. i want summer back. i need summer sunshine's vitamin D to help me produce positivity. i cannot stand this lonely weather anymore. it reminds me too much of the days long gone too constantly. :'(

it is stupid to feel sad for the past. it is silly to be dwelling on what cannot be anymore. but life is scaring the hell out of me. sometimes i feel like i cannot last any longer. how will i ever be able to get through it if misery and happiness do nothing but repeat themselves?

my own heart exhausts me. oh cheery cherry come back to me, please.

i freaking heart him.

i freaking do. i wish i could eventually tell him. i reckon he already knows. but he may only think that i am dramatic or exaggerating things as usual. oh but i do. i do not mind liking him more than he likes me, and i do not mind either, if i always have to make the moves. i will make all the moves because i seriously love us. i think it takes an extremely stupid person to not treasure what we have.

i am head over heels for him. each time i see his face i feel like i am looking at him for the first time and falling in love all over again. sometimes i wish he were a girl and i were a boy so i can do more than my gender role allows me to. the butterflies in my stomach are crazy enough to bring me down on my knees.

i am a freak. i freaking heart him. even though he has been mine for quite some time now, this feeling only refreshes itself basically all the time.

i think people have to feel like this for at least one person throughout their lives, just that not everyone talks about it, but i am not embarrassed to confess my crazy self, since those who like me, like me like this.

today it feels as though i have fallen into a timeless hollow.

it must be the weather, the slightly cool atmosphere mixed with rain, it feels a bit like the aarhus summer, it feels more like my father's season. i stayed up late last night playing the guitar with my little sister, (she was the one playing the guitar,) i did not go out, as a flu was coming after me i could feel. but it was friday, you know, once you go to sleep it would be saturday too soon, and then the holiday would be over, and then it would be all about work, and then a lifetime would have passed you by already.

this weather is a bit depressing, i keep listening to songs that are either vintage or filled with teenage lovesickness, they have dragged me in a lovesick mood again. the sky is gloomy, my room is dark, the world is too quiet. today feels like a day to be filled with everyone i can possibly miss. i want to gather them all in one room and have heart-to-heart talks

or share this silence with some companies.

oh well, but you know, some people, they are not here anymore, and they never will be physically present again. i am sad every autumn. i know how life has already happened as good as it can though. i used to turn a deaf ear to my dad while he was talking, as i was a teenager and rebellious, but these days his words come back to me and do great help, especially when i am most desperate for comfort. it was like he knew what would be the most useful to me when i am confused and on my own.

these sweet tunes saved my day! <3

望穿秋水

沒有被記下的生活恍惚是白過了一樣，有些人活著是為了白字黑紙，不斷地為未來製造可能懷緬的事情，我是那樣的人，因此我是我最忠實的讀者，這是出於自戀的本能，還是我真的徹頭徹尾地熱愛我的生命？

好了。事情是這樣的，我近日又做了一件瘋狂的事情，不過acting on impulse是年少輕狂的特色，我還未能預計他收到那份我在郵局親吻過的禮物之後會有甚麼反應，不過我倒是自得其樂（我總是自得其樂），我就只需要有個人，給我衝勁去製造浪漫之餘，又可以承受甚至是回應我的心思。

我想，「望穿秋水」這四個字最能形容我當下的感受，我早就說過，他會是我最貪心的願望，我明明是個知足又易滿足的人，唯有我們倆的這件事情令我很執迷，拍拖明明是尋常的幸福，相親相愛的人滿街都是，不過我要見我的親愛的就得承受一年去幾次歐洲的奢侈，機票是可以賺的，但賺機票要花時間，我最缺的就是時間，我又沒有本事用最少的時間賺最多的機票，最諷刺的事情終於發生了，一個從來只愛才不愛財的人，心甘情願地讓金錢主宰了她的幸福...... :/ (我沒有所謂手到拿來的幸福。)

愈困難就愈困難，好像是命運有心處處要我挑戰極限一樣，我又不甘心不堅持，因為我知道我不可能找得到更親愛我或我更親愛的人，這樣的一個人，就只有這麼一個了，時間很短也很長，日子過得很快也很慢，但年年月月日日我很想愛他。

我等 ─

等多久都等。

青春就只有這麼一回了，你不活就活不了。

i have almost decided to stop writing.

seriously. at least here, as i don't know if people are reading because they like what i write or they care about me, or because they want gossips or things to make fun of. i did not care so much about it before, but now i do, i should not, but somehow i do. unless i am to make fun on purpose, which i seldom do, most things written here are not supposed to be funny. sometimes, i think if one could read my mind, or just feel the way i feel, one should be in tears.

i find it funny that people stare at the scars on my leg more often than i expect them to be stared at. at first i was almost convinced that it was only because i thought people were staring. but i am not exactly stupid enough to not be able to tell whether people are staring or not. sometimes i even forgot that the scars were still there, until i followed someone's gaze all the way to where they were, and then i was reminded of their existence.

i think my period is due in one week, since i am feeling my hormones again. they run through my body like some annoying little elves. why does a woman have to go through the same pain every month? it is not fair. why am i always complaining about it? i am annoyed.

oh well. but everything written here expires the second i leave here. i will always write about the same thing again if i happen to feel the same again. i do not mind. what i do not like is the me today being judged by how i was yesterday. what happened, happened, what is gone, is gone. you get to be good at moving on.

lately i feel really bad about not being able to see my dad again. i know. it's an old story now. but some stories break your heart constantly. maybe it's because of the mid-autumn festival, i have not yet met a person as crazy about mooncakes as he did. hey! old man! i miss you. :/

the only comfort is that i know he will always be proud of me. or that i am good enough to make him as proud as a father can be.

because there is no cinderella story

and everything has to be hard earned. because you can pray for good luck to fall on you, but not for someone to rescue you. because you know fragility, the way some people can just disappoint or disappear, thus you'd rather have people counting on you, than to have yourself counting on anybody, the only person you can rely fully on is always yourself. i think there are million things i can do, and that i am able to fulfill my life. i prefer to give more than i can take, simply to make sure that people do not think it a loss working/dealing/being with me. (i am just reaffirming my beliefs.)

life is moving too slow and too fast at the same time. i have waited all week for this friday to arrive, but when it got here i got totally bored. luckily milo was with me, she took me to the reservoir and there we watched the sky. we tried to catch midnight in paris by going to three different cinemas, and failed. but the night in hongkong was still lovely.

i always want to play the piano when i am most tired.

i wish someone would pay me to write eventually, so that i can have all the time in the world to write day and night, and dig all the way till my heart bleeds. i love words because i am secretly a control freak. i want everything under control, thus i write. because writing is the only thing i can master, in my most helpless hours i wrote the most, and somehow my own words got me through, because no matter how bad reality got, my words were always graceful, and i sort of know for sure that they always will be.

may thy grace be with me.

dying in the sun

i don't know how to explain this contradictory feeling inside me. i think i have known him far too long, and that we have been together forever already, but my heart still leaps to his presence, the slightest thought of our first kiss drives the butterflies in my stomach wild, that huge smile on my face will not go away. i have never been this much in love, even with him, it is the first time i feel so. i feel surreal. i don't know how i have come this far to get so close to where i am now, or what i have.

my little sunflower

is gifted with a giant smile, calling me aunt

in a sunbeam-like energetic voice, transcending light,

lighting darkness. we were running on the rooftop

in the night of mid-autumn, having fun in the game of monsters

and kung-fu, he was playing bruce lee being defeated, lying on my

laps with his eyes closed and his mouth half-open. he loved it when

i screamed and mourned, saying "oh little dragon, don't die,

wake up!" he would then leak a little smile -

and i have not seen anything more cuddly my whole life.

he arrived that year after my father died, he used to sleep

on my bed for quite some time,
in each of those mornings i turned around

and said to him "good morning", kissing his cheek, and there,

in each golden autumn he shone the brightest,

smiling at me the sweetest smiles.

it is sometimes a bit annoying

when someone assumes that you can do something simply basing on the fact that they do something themselves. seriously, it can be like that but it is not always like that. people are different. (this i keep in mind, too, as i may go around assuming things from time to time when i am not paying attention to my thoughts.)

if you can claim a person your friend and sleep with him/her (and that you can have many friends like that and can do the same with many bodies), that's just you. although the case is rare, but there are actually people who wait all their lives hoping that they can find that one true love and sleep with just one person for the rest of their lives. it is easy to go all flower-hearted and fall in love as often as one can. but there are things that a person does or does not do. we all have certain bottom-lines that we try our best never to cross. falling in love is one thing, sleeping around is a different thing. this is more or less a matter of personal choice, but your choice is not necessarily everybody else's choice. some people would rather not make that choice.

i waited all my life for this one thing to be done right. i might have a million crushes and a few boyfriends before but here is this one thing i can do with just one person, if i were lucky enough it would be just this one person for the rest of my life. (amen.)

i don't crave sex, i crave the two of us. if it can happen with anybody, it is probably worthless.

當時的月亮

不得了。

我日有所思，夜有所夢到一個連夢境和現實都快要分不清的地步。

請宇宙萬物盡其所能讓我可以盡快看得見又碰得到我的丹麥曲奇 ─

我要我們在一起。如獲大恩，感激不盡。

the moon shines through the window onto my bed.

after the party last night, i drew the curtain open and slept under the roundest and brightest moon ever. life has been graceful lately. it is like a long period of hard work and misery starting to get paid off finally. my job in the office is annoying sometimes, i am getting allergic to one particular task, and that task follows me around like an always hungry dog. but life has been well. all these people around me, i love them dearly.

i enjoy having one of my best friends living so near. kayu and i were chilling on the rooftop and there we waved at the mountains opposite to us on which our shadows were projected. i wish we could have it photographed but the cameras in our phones could not manage. *sigh*

it was milo's birthday last saturday night and we were supposed to go see a play, it only turned out that the usher with a voice that everyone in the theater could hear said to us, "your tickets are yesterday's." thus we made a good laugh out of it and hurried away. we spent the night on the green lawn where milo played the ukulele. it was such a lovely night with the silver moon hanging and the last summer breezes chilling. autumn was on its way.

i bought some roses for mom from the flower market yesterday, and on my way home i was thinking how important it was for me to bring her roses whenever i can, considering the fact that this woman basically wants nothing for herself except her children being well, and that every dollar i give to her is automatically spent on me. it simply takes some blooming roses to make her happy. when i was young i hated to carry flowers for her, as i would almost always run into the boys in class and they would tease me for that. (stupid boys.) she has a saying that the more flowers one carries the more loveliness one carries, but of course, it was not enough for the teenage me to get pass the humiliation some teenage boys could give.

but now i don't mind, every time i carry roses with me i feel lovely myself. i am happy that finally i feel good in my own skin, like everything finally fits, and for quite a long time now i don't even need any make-up to help me feel pretty.

why do we blog?

because we always have something to say, but no one is here to talk. we are self-centered, we want long conversations with our thoughts, but not long enough to not get any response. we want people to think - we want people who are interested in our thinking to think. we are tired of failing dialogues with blank minds and nonconstructive gossip exchange.

that's why we blog. we can be a little self-obsessed, but here it is a world that spins around our personal universe. we have opinions on things. we put things into words, one on one and mind to mind.

people like us, those who live on feelings and feed on thinking, are often in desperate need to express themselves. if they could they would do it out loud, loud and clear like mexican crowds, but ideas sink to stillness in quiet hours before they surface and shout.

do you know what it's like constantly running away and afar with your own thoughts? i was told that i complicated things - but indeed, look, here, i simply just think. (that's why we need our brains.)

i am in love with my brain. i only fall in love with brains - the sexiest part of a human being.

i am extremely into decoding stuff

as mythical as the two of us -
the sweetest thoughts in my heated head,
and the slightest touches of our held hands,
perfecting me in its presence.

here comes that smile - the smile
(a girl smiles when she falls in love.)
it grows on my face like beaming bulbs,
and then the rabbits hop their jumpy walks -
delighted steps craft on my waist
creeps the caterpillars crave.

he cast on me a mythical tale,
weakening my limbs, our privileged hiss.
left on my chest his name checked yes,
spelling it mine or nevertheless.

that was just the perfect time and place to do a little dance.

i was buying roses for my mom in the flower market tonight. and there the magical moment arrived, and there i danced a little dance to my own heartbeats, and there i thought i was close to getting a heart attack. (people were looking at me strangely, the girl with 3 bunches of roses and a big smiley.)

now there, it was a moment for which i will spend the rest of my life feeling happy. remember this, cherry rao, remember this.

magical thinking

we need some magical thinking to get us through life. sometimes my thinking becomes too magical when i slow down and take a look at my surroundings it gives me a major shock realising how bad things can actually be. i am often afraid of losing that point of balance. what if i go too far without knowing? what if my thinking carries me away?

but i have only got this one life to test things out. if i succeed i succeed, if i fail i fail. it is just this one life and this one chance and this one shot.

i don't want to have to look back one day and think about all the "what ifs". i want to make sure that i have tried my best, and hard enough, and no matter what happens next it wouldn't be my fault not having succeeded, that it would be merely fate, as i out of all things already did my best.

i give my heart to everything i do, and to everyone i love. even my soul is naked to a certain extent. but there is this little thing - once i lose heart i can hardly bring myself to give again - although i do not lose heart easily, i have this magical rebound power that allows me to go through the same thing more than once (luckily.)

may this magical thinking stay with me. (lately i am mostly inspired by vanessa carlton.)

there is this sickness without a cure.

i am too much, there is too much of me -

there is too much in me. i am overwhelmed

by my own presence, my presence
accompanied by his absence -

but he is almost always here. oh dear,

maybe i am spoiled now. i could take days before

even weeks. maybe a month or two even.

i knew, sort of, i always knew, that there was -

there IS this bond, paths twisted, tangled,
stronger than physical companies.

but now i want, i want and i am wanting still.

i seriously want to be with him.

there is seriously no backbone in me.