2013年4月28日 星期日

說穿了,

說到底,是我沒自信。可是我不知道自信要往那裡找。我覺得隨便找個甚麼人都比我好,我覺得我可以隨時隨地被取代,這樣地缺乏自信令我時常失心瘋。

近來的問題是,我持績很想與人談天,但我總沒法談到問題的關鍵。晚上常常醒來好幾次,同樣的惡夢不斷出現,掙扎著起不了身,是被鬼壓還是壓力大,我都搞不清楚。

上星期想狠下心關閉這裡,今天又回來了,始終有個地方寫下心裡的事,也沒有甚麼不好。理智告訴我,這不是抑鬱的時候,趁著還青春,趁著還可以,應該好好享受人生,做些喜歡做的事情,見些喜歡見的人,不要找些牽掛來糾纏自己。

但心是自由的,心是獨立的,心喜歡怎樣是腦管不了的,心要飛往那個方向是我愛莫能助的,所以一個我眼睜睜看著另一個我,裡裡外外在困獸鬥,剛剛逃出來了,轉個念又回到原點。

我最快樂的時候,竟然是我趕稿的時候,甚麼都忘了,一心一意,幹一件事,在風花裡執著於字與字。但當我發現我的快樂建立在身邊的人和事之上,我意識到我的處境很危險。

又過了一個周末,日子是飛快似地過去的,但我等的東西還未等到,是不是等就會到呢?我也不知道,可是等待是一顆植了根的種子,就這樣蔓生下去不休不止。









2013年4月21日 星期日

be brave enough.

sometimes i am afraid that if i put my whole heart and the best of my efforts into making something work, i will end up being an idiot.

but it takes a little courage to make things happen, and most of the time, it takes an idiot.

2013年4月17日 星期三

midnight sonata

there is so much that i want to write about and i think i am about to end up writing nothing. i am only doing this because i want to talk to someone about something but there is not anyone specific to talk to or anything specific to talk about. in fact, i think i am not so good at talking anymore, there are always so many thoughts jamming my mind up but not enough words to express them clearly. (and not enough time given, and afterall, why would people be interested?) and when you talk to people you don't just talk, you are engaged in a conversation and everything you say or feel or understand will be related to and responded by the other party. even when there are battles to pick you should pick the right battles only. i think i have been more of a listener than speaker these years, or at least i think i am more likable when i am that way. and there is no midnight sonata. there are pathetique and of course, moonlight sontana. do you sometimes feel that the things you find interesting interest you alone? or maybe that's enough to be on your own in your own craze. dive into it, then. and swim.

2013年4月14日 星期日

i watched the sun until it set.

it turned from a yellow light bulb to an orange egg yolk.

sweet tangerine, would you please come back to me.

2013年4月13日 星期六

i cannot fight ridiculous dreams

they happen every night and it is so tiring. i feel less haunted though these days, after he had come and left my problem of sleep paralyze seems to have disappeared.  but if i am to recollect all my dreams this week and write them out/ or draw them out one after another, i could make a quite decent series of stories that covers a trip to africa, a lovely baby boy, a village of giant pizzas, and a shrimp-turned-caterpillar. (the last one was horribly freakish.)

the lovesickness is not so bad this time.  i only cried at the airport for a brief while, and then became slightly depressed for a few days.  but i count on the growing affection i have for my job.  it scares me sometimes though, as the competition is quite strong.  from time to time there are people writing in to offer their services as writers... for my boss.  i think it is quite a mean thing to do, (it is literally a backstabbing thing to do, like stealing someone's boyfriend/girlfriend,) especially when they know that he has got an in-house writer already.  or maybe it's the real world. (does the real world work this way?)  :/ it gives me tremendous pressure sometimes, and it hurts my dignity. maybe i am not mature enough, but most of the time it makes me feel like i am not good enough.  or maybe he deserves someone better, if i cannot be the best.  well, if it can be stolen away it's probably not mine.  (but i have worked so hard for it, since the very beginning, what have they done?) i can't deny that i feel offended.  i am taught to confront my true feelings though, no matter how good or bad they are.  i used to be in denial of my own feelings all the time because i felt wrong to feel negative towards people/ things. but i am not perfect and obviously no saint.  can people show a little respect and not play on someone else's playground?  i think that is a natural thing to do.  if people know how to be respectful there would not have been wars or broken families or pollution. no?

at least it pushes me to read up and write more and do my best.  


2013年4月9日 星期二

quietness

overwhelms my little self. lately, i have been writing a lot but not for myself. my love had come and is now gone, life has gone from earth to heaven and back to earth. normal it is. happy i guess. no one spends a whole life on vacation, though one may spend a whole life in love. maybe i am not so experienced with departure still, even when i have experienced it a lot. i will try to devote myself into what i have put aside. the new languages. the books. the piano. the ukulele. everything i have found to keep my soul companied. such sweet companies. so i don't become shallow or empty. so new things come in. so i become a better me. what i have learnt so far - i love you and you love me. i will try to go to bed tonight, and come awake with no exhausting dreams.

2013年4月7日 星期日

the last thought on my mind

before i fell asleep yesterday evening, after an early start of the day to the airport and then to work, was that "i am an experienced long-distance lover." so like every time before i know i will be fine. i will get used to the distance soon, and suddenly we will be next to each other again. 

i fell into a sleep of 16 to 17 hours. departure is certainly miserable. but only with departures can i be able to enjoy the many times of countdown and reunion we have. and with each trip i fall in love with him all over again, and this love gets closer to my heart each time.