2011年2月28日 星期一

what do you want?

"i want somebody to sleep with for the rest of my life and cuddle up with during a movie on the couch. stay up all night talking about nothing. get lost in the woods together. challenge me, challenge him. talk about dreams, make dreams. have fights, the kind that only really matter just as long as you're having them. someone I can wrestle with, you know, play hard sometimes and not worry about breaking a nail or an arm. a guy who will bring me flowers once in awhile, maybe a rock too or a shell of some sort. something he saw that made him think of me, made him think "this might make my girl smile" as he smiles to himself. a guy who wants me, maybe even needs me, just a little, enough to hold onto me with everything he's got."

it has been 2 years and i still want the same things


with the same person.

church on monday

i feel like i am the most heartless person in the world. and i am not even sure what i am doing it for. i am in such a heartsick state that i cannot do anything at all besides writing a lot. but i guess i deserve it. out of all the people in the universe, i chose to hurt him who loved me the most.

but it's more important to be honest than to be loved. i know he would love me forever. and then it would be me ruining his life for constantly longing for something else. and i cannot let that happen.

kiss me madonna, give me grace.
i am sorry. it was all my fault. it took me too long to make a decision.

i think i am going to the museum in the afternoon.

2011年2月27日 星期日

the heartbreak sunday

i thought it could wait until my trip is over. but then of course time never waits. i am sorry. i tried my best. but i couldn't. i failed. for some moments in the past year i thought i could be the architect's wife, live in the house he would one day built, and have his kids. but then i realised that it was only his dream, and not mine.

and he thought that he treated me the best, and maybe i am just one of the greediest persons, but let's think for a moment:

he found me more attractive with my makeup on. he wanted me to dress like other girls. when i told him my dreams he told me to hold, and that i should wait till i am old. a lot of the things that i wanted to do, he found them impossible. he couldn't see why i was always tired and sleepy. he couldn't understand half of the things i have written. he didn't want to discuss politics, economics or religions. and nothing about art, literature or languages. he was always talking about other people when we were together. and most of the things i told him, he couldn't remember. we couldn't even cook a meal happily together.

i found myself stuck in a future i didn't want. on the outside everything looked perfect, but on the inside i could feel it all wrong. there was not a window for my soul. and slowly i have become quiet. i could not even write the way i used to.

it was not his fault, but mine. i was too weak. i have to come this far to know my heart. there is something that i really want, which i am sure i will never have. but that's ok. it's good enough to live without what i don't want.

i am truly sorry. i really did try my best. thanks for having loved me. what went wrong was that we have never really deserved each other.

2011年2月26日 星期六

i know i am crazy

it's 2am and i should have gone to bed, get myself recharged for tomorrow's journey. but i dare not to sleep. i can only write as much as i can now, because my muse is here. maybe it's because i am now in a city of many fine arts. maybe it is where she lives.

there were some moments i would always remember. there were some moments when i would think to myself, that those would be the moments i would one day wake up missing. and then, of course, suddenly time would fly, and i would land on that one day.

and this is one of those days, on which i lie awake missing the moments i knew i would be missing so badly.

i think i need to pray for a tougher heart, this one i have here is a bit too soft, like marshmallow it melts and becomes sticky.

the sweetest couple

ravi and angela actually make the sweetest couple i know, when they look into each other's eyes it is ever so loving. it's always a "darling you, darling me" kind of conversation that they are having. i feel so happy for them. and of course they take such good care of me that i feel so blessed indeed. they took me downtown sightseeing all day and bought me a fancy dinner tonight.

this trip is certainly a lot different from the way i expected it to be. i did not know why i wanted to come here, i certainly did not know what to do, and i had no idea what to expect. but i guess it has all turned out alright.

except that i might have got myself a stupid heart attack. i hope it will be healed soon. of course it will be, i lived through it once. i will live through it twice. if i have to do it again i certainly will, because even though it's broken it's still beautiful. i am the only one who is responsible for my own happiness.

but it's hard to live with this guilt, that i have broken someone's heart for something that has once broken my heart. i am sorry that i cannot talk. i am not brave enough. it turns out that there is this knot in my heart i cannot untie.

brussels is very different from arrhus. arrhus is a very neat city, simple and pretty. brussels is busier, a bit dirty but more lively. i think i have conquered the cold weather that i actually felt hot on a day of only 7 degrees. i am definitely impressed by myself.

2011年2月25日 星期五

dinner and games

tonight we had dinner with angela's neighbours. she actually cooked the whole meal by herself, which was really impressive. we had wine. we played games. and talked a lot. anna is from poland and stephan is from germany/portugal. it was fun. and then it's 1am already.

and i wonder how i shall fall asleep tonight.

i think i am a little bit too fragile right now, being extremely homesick for someone, something.  

the clumsy girl aboard

so i think i had one of the most wonderful weeks in my life. and now i am continuing my journey in brussels. ravi and angela have got a fantastic apartment here. with all the art nouveau style buildings nearby. it eases my heart indeed. i cried so hard on the train and flight this morning, simply pathetic. i cannot stand departure. and luckily angela offered me a bubble bath! how cool (and warm at the same time) is that. (and it was in her luxurious bathroom!) :D

i knew this one story from the trip, that a rabbit fell asleep with a dragon, and fell in love with him. but afterall she's just a rabbit, pretty, fluffy but weak. and of course the dragon doesn't know, how his influence on her is always much greater than her influence on him. he can fly and he has flames. but as a rabbit she only jumps around and eats cupcakes.

it has been the coldest winter of my entire life. for the first two days i was only constantly praying to god to keep me warm. but then it turns out to be the most beautiful winter of my entire life. i wouldn't mind getting back into the cold again indeed, for all that hygge warming me up.

and tonight we are having dinner with angela's neighbours. and tomorrow we will be off to lots of cakes and lots of beers! (beers in cherry flavor!) i am so glad that i have come this far. i could have dragged it till i turn 40. but then i might not want to do it anymore. may is right. she always says that we can work as hard as we must, but when the time comes we should really treat ourselves with a break.

i can actually foresee the hard work waiting for me back in hk. and the uncertain future. and lots of other issues. decisions to make. hearts (especially my very own) to break. but let's not think about that. it's still too early. i am only halfway through my vacation. :)  

2011年2月23日 星期三

2011年2月22日 星期二

word of the day

Stubborn
Tragic
Unbelievably
Pathetic
Illusional
Deadend

stupid, stupid, stupid girl. why are you so stupid all the time?

2011年2月13日 星期日

13th Feb

so today is my birthday. i have had 3 days of celebration. :)
i love you - those who love me. and i am thankful for everything i have got.

my aunt and her five grandchildren are settling to their new home. i hope it will be a good year for them.

i will soon be having 2 weeks of holiday. i am still worried about my career. i am pretty anxious indeed. i hope everything will turn out fine.

2011年2月3日 星期四

i will

this year is an important one. if the end of the world is just around the corner, it's the year to make things happen, i mean, really good things.

1. i will try my best in everything.
2. i will be a good girl, and be good to everyone.
3. i will love those i can love, and forget those i cannot.
4. i will work hard. i will play hard.
5. i will not waste too much time on doing nothing.
6. i will continue to love my family and give them the best way of living i can afford.
7. i will continue to be supportive and positive.
8. i will spend more time with my friends, organise and participate in more gatherings.
9. i will not let things slide. i will confront myself. i will confront my feelings.
10. i will find a sport i like, make it a habit, and master the piano.
11. i will make art. and read more books.
12. i will be more environmentally friendly.
13. i will care even less about reality, and fear less about tomorrows.
14. i will continue to write a lot and beautifully.
15. i will figure out my career path.
16. i will talk less, and do more.
17. i will not be judgmental or biased.
18. i will be charitable and just.
19. i will make the most out of everything and each day.
20. i will actualise the above, and stay pretty, and be happy.

have a happy rabbit year! :)