i lost my sa. it didn't hit me before tonight. suddenly everything came rushing back. overwhelming. i don't know how i lost her and for what -- old age, maybe? suddenly she was not eating. suddenly she was sick. and dying. and suddenly she died. we went all the way from taipo to sai ying pun that day. and she died right before we arrived at the clinic. she probably didn't want to go there. it was my idea. it was a bad idea. we should have stayed home together. all of us. why didn't i think better?
a year went by. things happened. bad things. good things. we moved. and i moved out now. i moved back, staying close to where we used to live. i go home to see mom everyday and i come back here.
the only comfort i have is from thinking that she is now at a better place.
i miss her so, so much.
maybe she is with dad now and they are both happy and free.
2016年11月21日 星期一
2016年9月8日 星期四
吃的回憶
近來愛上了為食物拍照，尤其是媽媽煮的每一餐，幾肚餓都好，總之「相機食先」。為甚麼要拍照？為甚麼看到美好的風光、美味的食物、親愛的對象，都總會有一刻想拿起相機拍個照？因為我怕我會忘記。因為我知道日子每天在流逝，過去了的每一分鐘都追不回來。因為我感恩我擁有的，食物消化掉化成回憶，相片留下來就是生命的證據。
你有沒有試過，突然一天，看見一張照片，才記起某件早已忘記了的一件開心／重要事？你有沒有試過，失去了一位親人或朋友，掛念得不得了，但想來想去都再想不起關於這個人的一個小細節？而偏偏你連一張照片都沒有。
從前拍照相對地貴，菲林一卷幾十塊錢，用完要去沖曬又是幾十塊錢，還要用上時間，曬出來不同尺寸又是不同收費...... 現在有了數碼相機、手機，隨時隨地都可以拍照，可能拍了九成都是垃圾，或者永遠不會重覆再看的照片，但要留住某刻的感受或滋味，對於某人某事的回憶，可能就只有那麼一張照片。
更何況，別人眼中的一碗麵，在我眼中是藝術，是色彩和線條，是情感的表達，是歲月的精華，是精神的投入，是愛的表現。
偶然滑一下手機，這些吃的回憶，是我一天下來最珍惜的點滴。
因為我快樂，因為我喜歡，因為我感動，因為我感激
我最親愛的人，我的「吃的回憶」。
2016年7月5日 星期二
i say it over and over again
many times in my heart
and in my head.
my love reincarnates
time after time.
i cannot foresee
what is to become of it
everytime we part
and we part
everytime we meet.
it kills me everytime
but it lives.
i say it over and over again
many times in my heart
and in my head.
2016年2月28日 星期日
decluttering my life
people won't believe how long time it has taken for us to move, even though we are only moving within the same village. it's actually due to the lazy move we had 6 years ago. we simply put everything into boxes and placed all boxes in the balcony and let them be. so, when we finally gathered up enough courage to confront those boxes, we were met with insane beehives. YES. BEEHIVES. they were everywhere. on every box. luckily they weren't active.
the boxes indeed carried so much of my memories. i discovered my diaries written long time ago. letters i wrote to myself. letters and cards people wrote to me. i realized how hardworking i have been in the past 8 years -- so many payslips but the money is long gone.
i had this bad habit of keeping all the bills and tickets and eventually they had piled up so much to take up most of my room. now i am moving to a new place and a much smaller room i must not pile things up again.
today i am 29 years old. when i look back now it's still surprising to see how things happened so quickly in the past. my dad became a part of my memories, sasa, too. and dorothy. when i looked through my stuff i found all those postcards from her when she was travelling in europe.
my 20s is almost gone now. i need to be more aware of my here and now because that's the only thing that counts.
the boxes indeed carried so much of my memories. i discovered my diaries written long time ago. letters i wrote to myself. letters and cards people wrote to me. i realized how hardworking i have been in the past 8 years -- so many payslips but the money is long gone.
i had this bad habit of keeping all the bills and tickets and eventually they had piled up so much to take up most of my room. now i am moving to a new place and a much smaller room i must not pile things up again.
today i am 29 years old. when i look back now it's still surprising to see how things happened so quickly in the past. my dad became a part of my memories, sasa, too. and dorothy. when i looked through my stuff i found all those postcards from her when she was travelling in europe.
my 20s is almost gone now. i need to be more aware of my here and now because that's the only thing that counts.
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