這些年

當全世界都在懷緬那些年的時候，我還是比較在乎這些年。那些年我都還沒有遇上過愛情，暗戀過的人已經不知道是為了甚麼而去暗戀，明戀過的人又沒有甚麼原因戀下去。今天看了星島的一篇文章，說得好，「如果真的很愛很愛，我們怎可能甘願錯過？怎能忍受自己畢生最愛被其他人牽着抱着，餘生再也無法長相廝守？」還有，「要是青春離你還近，你根本不必緬懷青春；要是你現在愛情幸福圓滿，你才不會有時間回憶多年前那段無法圓滿的愛情；要是你這些年來過得很好，又怎麼需要頻頻回顧那些年遺忘了的錯過與微小？」事實就是這樣了，關於愛情，我的那些青春年少的歲月，沒有甚麼非常值得懷念的過去。

我的所有年少輕狂都發生在這些年裡，神奇的事情就這樣發生了，而我還在每天為這巧妙的安排驚訝，我們在一起的時候，只是開著錄像傾個閒計，都快樂到我充滿意欲去胡亂叫囂。我喜歡我總能做我自己，偶然對著他一發不可收拾一下。

青春還在流逝，而我相信這些年終於會成為我最珍而重之的那些年。

i made a wish on wing lok street.

i happen to recall it just now. we were sitting on the stairs after the halloween party across the street, having finished a bottle of wine and some vodka. suddenly there was a big fat rat running down the street. i am a super fan of wish-making, because i have been told by my mom all the magical stories about rats, snakes, frogs, elephants and butterflies etc. ever since i was little.

that's how i have grown up with the habit of making wishes to all the strange creatures i see/do not see everyday. it has been years since i last saw a rat.

so at around 4am in the morning, i made a wish to a rat on wing lok street.

as a side note, rats are seen in Hinduism as the vehicle of Ganesha, the remover of obstacles. the coincidence was that i actually prayed to him on the night of Diwali last week, which is the festival of Lakshmi, because Ganesha and Lakshmi work hand in hand, Ganesha removes obstacles so Lakshmi can bring beauty and good fortune. the last time i prayed to any Hindu gods was about 4 years ago when i last visited thailand. i don't have a religion but i sincerely believe in every wonderful thing in the universe. whenever there is a chance to wish for something (in an innocent and harmless way), i always make sure that i make it, and make it on time. :) i hope i did, too, this time! though it is more or less the same wish i make everyday, it is important.

我們的相處

我總是一台錄音機般
他按一按制
我就開始表達。

其實他不是個多話的人
但他似乎很享受他每說一句
我就說十句
那樣的相處模式。

我總是那麼不能自控地
一發不可收拾。

我很喜歡我們啊。

心機

我的心機都是身邊的人給我的。
我有最生性聽話的細佬妹，
也有最善解人意溫柔善良的媽咪；
我有最特別可愛的朋友仔，
還有最無法形容的男朋友。

他們給了我所有推動我前進的動力，
這個世上沒有說沒有誰不可以，
也不是沒有誰會活不下去，
因為無論如何，人總要活下去，
但沒有了誰總會令人生失去一些意義。

所以我總是很珍惜。

來到今天，唯一與我還保持聯絡的前男友
就只有我的男朋友。他是新的，也是舊的。
其他我喜歡過的或是喜歡過我的人，都成了陌生人。

有時候，所有無法繼續的關係，只能歸咎是緣盡了。

難怪只有我們完了之後還是沒完沒了......
昨晚造了最甜的夢，
不知何時才能見面呢，我和我的寶貝親愛。<3

my fragility

one of my best friends once told me that he thought i was scarily strong on my mind, in a night when i told him i would be crying myself to sleep for a silly matter. i think i am, too, most of the time. i am good at swallowing things, or fighting back when necessary. i am not afraid of apologizing for my or somebody else's mistakes either.

but when i am weak i am extremely weak.

last night, in the middle of a conversation about dinosaurs, my neighbor's kid asked where my father was. i fell silent for a while, and then he asked what my father did for a living, and whether he was at home.

years have passed, but i don't think time has worked its magic on me, or maybe i was born a stubborn person.

on most days of the week, i am busy like hell and super tired, sometimes it is only because i want to care less about the things that make me feel. i can't even talk about it as much as i need to, since i know it can still make me cry right on spot if i am not alert enough regarding how to hold myself together. i was only brave enough to lie awake at night thinking of the past, whatever and whoever that has passed me by.

but i gathered some guts and told my little friend that my father has passed away, and once the words were said we were all silent, he was too young to know to say "i am sorry" like most adults would, and i appreciated that.

i love how little kids love me, how they get excited seeing me, and how they cling to me and ask me to read them stories. i love how they are not afraid of saying "i miss you" right at my face, how they care about what i like, what i have done for the day and where i have been. the last time i saw my hugo boy he held my face like i am a darling little dear and kissed me on my cheek. it was so sweet that my heart melted.

suddenly something has happened to me

as i was having my cup of tea

suddenly i am feeling depressed

i am utterly and totally stressed

i think i will go nuts

if i don't get to see my boyfriend soon, literally speaking, not at all dramatic.

人來人往 (舊的新詩)

那年夏天特別的熱
我們窩在你寄居的地方
半夜 本應寂靜的街道有貨車駛過
荷里活道的醉酒漢發著酒瘋唱著醉歌
你總是驚醒 也從不習慣這繁榮
人那麼的多 到處都是鬧市
房子那麼的小 空氣懸浮著粒子
不過我們有的是愛情

你的國家像塊煎餅那樣平闊
我的城市建築在一片凹凸不平
畢竟在這兒活了大半輩子
為著半份理智 我放任生活
做艘拋了錨的巨輪 浮載我到人海裡
營役而奔波 無息又無聲
一天一天 按耐著青春 按耐著日子
在鐵的車廂裡 面目模糊地 擠得很逼

家常閒話

A: 哎呀 12點啦 我要去訓
B: 突然要走 灰姑娘咁
A: 哎呀 係呀 我架南瓜車呀
C: 你漏左隻玻璃鞋喎
A: 等王子執返俾我啦 早抖

A - 我/ B - 阿妹/ C - 媽咪





（其實好像已經很久沒有人叫我公主了。）

not just a typical city boy.

one of my best friends, he remembers all my dreams, even those that i have forgotten.



because to me he is a not just a typical city boy
because to me he is so much more
he helped me believe things are more than they seem
and to have some hope

i am always thankful for all the wonderful friends i have in life. :)

five angels for the millennium

in ARoS museum's lowest basement level there is an exhibition space titled 9 spaces, the 9 spaces are rooms that display installation artworks from artists all over the world. i have been to ARoS twice, and when i went back there the 2nd time i hurried into the 9 spaces, i could not wait to get into the room where bill viola's five angels for the millennium was located.

museum should be fun and a mystery, there should be something for visitors to explore and reflect on. (the hongkong museum of art is simply boring. everything is only there to be displayed. interaction is always limited. the entry fee is extraordinarily cheap, but in hongkong time is money, too.) the 9 spaces give me goosebumps because they are mystical, you can easily find yourself overwhelmed by light, darkness, colors or reflections there. it is almost like a maze. i have forgotten the name of one of the artworks, but there is a room of too many mirrors, and everywhere you turn you run into yourself in a never-ending sequence continuing towards all directions. i think the artist is damn smart.

oh but five angels for the millennium by Bill Viola tells a different story. it is an artwork related to the re-occurrence of life and death, i wish i have better words to describe it. i felt like i was in my mother's womb again with all those dawning of sounds and evolving lights and colors breaking away from the darkness. the space was filled and it aroused in me some psychological effects much similar to something between butterflies in my stomach and a workfree sunday afternoon lying on my bed with the sunbeams coming through the lace curtains shining on me while i listen to dying in the sun by the cranberries kind of peace. but here the story goes: it was the coldest winter and i was there for the first time, the room was all dark, he said he couldn't see me, so he held my hand, and when the angel ascended, he asked, "it's death, can you feel it?"

and then he kissed me.

this is when memories hijack an art piece.

p.s. if you are head over heels for someone, there is always at least one reason.
p.p.s. have you noticed how tomb and womb rhyme? it occurred to me just now.

i always keep this one thought on my mind

that i am good enough, and i will always do better.

i am seriously freaking out inside me right now. what if i am not good enough? oh but how good is good enough.

i have been tortured by a recurrent task that consumes me like a vacuum cleaner. it sucks my creativity out of me and imposes on me stubborn formalities.

i need to shave my legs tomorrow morning.

the penny.

he gave me a penny when we first met, and i have kept it ever since. i have never been good at keeping things, but i am so good at keeping the things he gave me, maybe it is because there are not that many to keep, though to me each of them is dear.

if i die young

because the lyrics are too pretty. (it makes me want to ignore the fact that i am a bad singer.)



but if i die young, this 55 seconds of singing in particular shall be for my mother (woodtouched.)

is it what they call making an impression?

i imagined filling the space with my presence, you know, like how it's like in a movie, everywhere you turn you see the pieces of memory of a certain someone pressing lightly onto reality, in a "i swore i could feel that she was here" kind of way. i imagined him feeling me reading "to kill a mockingbird" across the room while he used the computer, or me holding a glass of white wine behind him while he was in the kitchen making dinner, or me walking into the room while he was half-asleep during tour de france etc. i wished my loveliness would stay stuck there.

we don't get moody for no reasons.

i have once again realized how much of a pms freak i truly am. i have spent the past few days in ridiculous thoughts, stressing myself so much that i cried myself to sleep, because 1. my mom said i was picky on food, and 2. i can't even bring myself to say it, but for some moments i kept thinking about how those i really care about may not really care about me etc., of course that's not true. my senses and spirit are immediately restored after my period has arrived today. i even feel thankful that my boyfriend is not here, since it would spoil our time together if i act like a moody monster or an edgy hedgehog around him.

it certainly affects me a great deal, it depresses me like a gloomy sunday.

i don't have much to write about lately. but i am thinking that it's about time i start paying attention to how i look. at time i find myself very much like a cow, maybe an indian one in particular, i work too much, i eat too little and i keep yearning for the carrot hanging down a fish-pole just an inch or two before my eyes... ! my whole appearance is screaming low maintenance straight to my own ears. this voice will soon drive me crazy.

cheery cherry you are only young once!

how do you measure how dearly you are treasured?

it rained all night last night and i was kept awake by too many thoughts.

alchemy

months ago i dug out this fake silver ring he gave me and i have had it on since then. it is the only ring that ever fits my fingers, they are too small even in local size. i had put it in a box for a year and more before i dug it out again. it was all worn out and yellowish because i used to wear it all the time, even in the shower. i have been doing the same for approximately 8 months now. when i first dug it out even my mom said it was too rusty to be worn. she said people would laugh at me for wearing a ring that old, but i insisted.

sometimes when i look at it, it looks almost golden. i am thinking that if i keep wearing it, it may eventually turn into gold someday. i am happy enough to keep it on the middle finger of my left hand, but if i ever need a wedding ring someday, it will do just fine.

something can still mean a great fortune to someone even when it looks entirely worthless. because i was young and fearless, you know. and i had more guts than i do now, and there is only this one ring in the entire human history that falls into the history about us walking through causeway bay to find a ring that could fit. it happened on that one particular night and i am never going to become 22 and live that summer ever again. although another summer happened and history is in its process of making still.

if there is a ring to make me feel pretty, if i really need to be wearing a ring to make me feel pretty, then this is it. i have this one ring on my hand that is worth nothing but already more than all the rings on earth to me.

there are more or less always strong reasons for every ridiculous thing i insist to do.

time is everything and nothing.

the parents and teachers used to say i was pretty, but the kids at school, especially some of the boys, always found the chances to make fun of my skincolor being darker, and then they grew up, and then they ran into me in the malls or on the streets, said i was pretty and wanted to stay in touch.

but i haven't run into one that grew up to surprise me, they are often just bigger versions of their little selves.

untitled

finally i am in a relationship i want. the relationship we have has somehow turned into exactly how i have dreamt of it to be. the changes involved are sort of mysterious. but here we are. after so many months of my wishful thinking, here we are, i have never felt so together with anyone else. :)

i think i can fall in love like i have never been hurt before. everything is so much different from the first time now, and maybe we have both grown up a lot, although i am still as silly as a girlfriend can be, i have never been a sweeter girlfriend to anyone else. i never thought i could be this sweet in fact.

i let things slide pass me quite often because there are many things i can do without. but for the things that i really want, i do my best to have them secured, and it turns out that they are all people. i believe that we can to a certain extent be on our own, and some people just come and go, but there are people i absolutely do not want to do without. i will have to keep them well secured as far as this life goes, because in my world they make life go.

old bathwater

i still love to wash in your old bathwater,
you make me feel like i couldn't love another.

hello stalkers.

if you like my writings, or my attitudes,
or me as a person,

feel free to leave a comment, send me a message
or get connected on facebook.

because i want to know you, too.

i hope what you find here
means something more than gossips to you. :)

happy stalking!

rocket brothers crack and burst

i don't know what kind of music i like. i think i sort of like all kinds, and no kinds. it all depends on too much of everything. i like it when the female vocals sound hysteric or brokenhearted. i like it faster than slow, but hate it when it gets too fast i can barely hear the words. i like it when the male vocals hit higher notes in a chorus. i like songs that are named with a specific date or time, or a place. i almost like all songs with "california" in their names. i like songs about pirates or romeo and juliet or a kiss or when a guy sings about a girl being a princess or songs with biblical or mythical or historical reference, songs that one needs to decode to know the essence. i like songs that sound all innocent when the theme is basically about sex. i like it when it is rough, when sometimes the vocal speaks the lyrics in a lower voice. i like it when it is a live recording and the vocal changes some of the lyrics or murmurs something in or out of context. i like the 90s most. i like grunge. i like music you can do silly dance moves to. i like it when it overwhelms my room and hugs me to sleep. i like it when it comes with a guitar solo. i like it when it is a duet. i like it when i think it is cute. i like it when it is nostalgic, lively, or super dead. i like it when it speaks my heart.

today i like this song, it reminds me of how my elder brother used to drive me school when i first entered the university, and then not anymore. it reminds me of how my elder sister used to did all my haircuts and hairdos, and then not anymore.

sometimes when people grow old, they grow apart. sometimes you are not even replaced or misplaced, you simply lose your place. it is a small family we have now. i cannot say we are not happy, because we have never been in this much of harmony and peace since dad passed away. i think mom and i have done pretty well. but sometimes i miss the full house we once lived in, when everyone came home for dinner and there were almost always around 10 people at least. that was another kind of good, and another kind of life.

如隔三秋

這件事情真的很嚴重，話說我們只是一天沒有聯絡，
已經有恍如隔世的感覺。

能夠一直這樣掛念著對方就好。

being in class makes me feel bright.

it is always a lucky thing being a student, i knew it when i was still a student, and i know it even more since i have started my life as a working girl. this is my vanity. i have always been sort of a nerd in all the subjects i love. i have always got the tendency to indulge myself in some sort of attention-seeking kind of quick responses to the teachers' questions. but of course for classes i don't like, i mostly daydream, fall asleep, read books under the desk or do homework of other subjects.

life is too short, if we can, we shall only spend our time on the things we enjoy doing.

i feel a bit pathetic because i am 24 and at the end of the day my biggest satisfaction comes from an afterwork spanish lesson. i will need a real career real soon. i cannot always be a part of someone else's something. i want me to be that something someone wants to be a part of.

maybe steve jobs inspired me like he inspired the world. today (well, yesterday,) a genius passed away. i have never been an Apple fan, and to be honest, i do not care about whatever gadgets out there as i only need what i need and enough is enough. BUT

i am always amazed and blown away by the fact that there are actually people out there creative enough to change the world. steve jobs is one of those people who completely altered people's and even societies' communication and behavioral patterns. (though i am not sure if some of the changes are good changes.) but quoting Ivy Poon, "every change is a chance."

creativity is of utmost important, without it, an elephant in a snake will always be viewed as nothing more but just a hat. (now that goes back to the little prince.)

i suck at many things i do, singing, dancing, drawing, making crafts, playing the piano, i even suck at playing the tambourine, but so what, as

my creativity goes beyond what my hands can do, that's for sure. :) (if only there are people who can read minds or i can find ways to put thoughts into actions. ha!)

when i am sick i spend more time on my bed staring at the empty ceiling and daydreaming.

nostalgia is the word today. there are lives that cannot be lived twice, second chances that cannot be given trice. autumn hugs me like a coat hugs a kid. i have been dizzy-minded and completely unmotivated for 3 and a half days already.

sickness is a scary thing. it knocks you down just like that, without a warning. i know, it is merely a flu, no big deal, we all get it from time to time. BUT ME. ME. i have been sick every 2 weeks since i don't know when. =_______= how can i not be annoyed? why am i not healthier? not to mention how much i hate spending my money on seeing the doctor. oh well, though i love dr. chan. he is so gentle and his medicine always works. <3

i get to start doing sports soon. seriously. :/

i am scared whenever i feel unmotivated because most of the time i am one of those people who have to keep doing things or thinking about things to feel like things are working out, when i am unmotivated, the world stops. (it seems to me.)

i want to wake up tomorrow and feel positively motivated and energetic and may my flu and the flu that is knocking on my beloved door be gone, amen.

最保險的做法

應該是愛一個不需要愛情的男人；
一個習慣孤獨又甘於寂寞的人；
他不會很愛你的，也許年年月月日日都只能說句喜歡；
但卻比誰都更加一往情深。

有些人總有兩手準備，
我都曾經有滿手準備，因為我很害怕寂寞；
因為我自尊心強，我怕有人以為我沒有他不行，
我總是想證明給人看，
我不是沒有誰會不行的那種人。

在更大的程度上，是我很害怕我會需要人、倚賴人，
我寧願我永遠是被需要和倚賴的一個。

不過我已經兩手空空了一段不短的日子，
因為所有二手、三手的準備，都不再有意義。
原來我不是想要男朋友，我只想要他。
我可以自己一個人過日子，但和他在一起，
會比快樂更快樂一點。

我抱著一種不成功便成仁的心態去應付這一次，
因為沒有他也不想有別人了，
我知道我無論去到那個世界，
都總會懷念留戀我們單純美好的世界。
我總是希望我們從來沒有分過手，
因為我曾經傻傻的希望，
我可以從一而終地過日子，
終於拍得成拖了(因為不知怎的在他出現以前總是沒有一次拍得成)
就可以手拖著手走一輩子。

到目前為止，
他都不愛我(至少我還未聽他親口說過)。
但如果這個程度的親愛就只是叫喜歡，
未來就很值得我期待。
(因為他的喜歡大概大過別人的愛。)

和思念糾纏一個晚上

凌晨二時，我有衝動想說掛念他，不過我沒有說出口。因為他說過，思念說多了就不再不平凡。其實，我個人認為他再說多少次，我每次都會像是第一次聽見一樣，不過如果物真的以罕為貴，我也只能不情不願地吊高來賣，於是我發著半燒地道了晚安，整晚都睡得不好。凌晨四時，我醒一醒，拿起電話又想傳短信，說句掛念蝕不了多少吧？可是我還是逼自己轉身再睡，傳說思念捱一捱就捱過了。凌晨六時，醒來想起第一句說話，還是「我很掛念你」。有時思念真的很纏人。我把電話推得遠遠的，幾乎要仿傚《寂寞的十七歲》，做一個自欺欺人的動作，傳一個短信給自己。

終於，在這個沒有工作的星期天，我在八時就睡醒了，從來都沒有想過，思念可以這樣不眠不休地和我糾纏一個晚上，好啦，我投降。

然後，十萬八千公里以外傳來一句：「我掛你更多。」

我的喉嚨很痛，頭很重，鼻水流不停，走步路都欠體力，但如果快樂是等價交換的，在這從天而降的感動和不請自來的感冒之間，我找到了滿足。

at the airport

i arrived in a 15 minutes plane
with a bandage on my leg
covering scars that i got
6 in the morning. i was sure
that they were still bleeding, judging
by how each step was aching.

i forgot my passport on the plane,
people knew to call after my name -
thanks to its baby pink hello kitty cover,
it was a bit too eye catching, belonging to
that girl with elephants
on her pale blue dress, that girl
who took the mysterious fall in copenhagen.

i rushed into the bathroom, attempting
to clean up, and put on some make up,
i was trying my best to cover up
that tiredness out of the 19-hour flight and
30 hours of excitement-caused-sleeplessness.
it was important to have my eyes wide open,
when he saw me i needed to be my prettiest.

i came out to find my yellow luggage gone.
in that little airport, all lights were off.
the exit spared no time to slide open, the next thing
that came into my eyes
was he in his blue checkered shirt, leaning against
the painted wall, so handsome, so tall, when he saw me
he stood up straight, both of us smiled.

we walked towards each other,
i felt a pair of giant hands pushing
hard behind my back,
he hugged me, i kissed him.
for months and months those hands
never ceased. it has to be
how the universe wants us together.

and then my lost belongings were re-discovered.