what were you thinking when the clock struck twelve?

do you celebrate it because the whole world is doing it? is it because it will make you feel like missing out not taking part? or do you truly believe that the beginning of another year means something important, that it is somehow out of 365 days of a year and 3650 days of a decade, the day that marks a turning point?

or do celebrations only make sense because you are with the ones you love? why do you not celebrate everyday then.

i wish this day does not mean so much because i felt awful. i hope it does not determine my fortune for the rest of my year because i have not had a good start, or even if i had one, i was not able to appreciate it as much as i should and with all my heart. i am so glad that i have got my best friend and my family here with me, at that particular moment in which the whole world screamed for a mixture of reasons of joy, i am sorry though, for how my heart feels when i am alone.

festivals stress me out. but anyways, the dreadful december is gone, now a stressful january awaits. i wonder if every month ahead is just going to make me feel the same. i am so tired, and it takes a robot to be ever-sweet-and-positive.

其實我知道是可一不可再

所以我還是會寫、還是要寫、還是喜歡寫，因為我就只能活這一次，我在我小小的世界裡，用文字推砌我小小的堡壘，傷心的也好，開心的也是，回憶必須好好記載，我堅持為愛上一個人而歡天喜地，也免不了會在承受沉痛打擊的時候收埋自己，因為我本來就是這樣的，日寫夜寫，見得人的、不想見人的，關於我的所有所有，不為娛人，只為悅己，若要全世界的人都身同感受，到底是太自私了。

我覺得愛情也很重要。我相信只有相愛和相信愛的人能夠成就快樂的家，在最艱難的時光裡為對方堅持，到老、到病、到死為止。這不是玩玩下的，不是開了個頭，走不下去，就沒了件事，我也沒有想得太遙遠，只是覺得能夠這樣下去也很不錯了，它的存在就是美好，看不見親不著也碰不到都不礙事，現實的不足就靠想像填充，兩個靈魂的親熱也很親厚，你會為最少的收獲而滿足，因為你的愛情為了愛，不為擁有。(縱使偶然的寂寞令你很想發脾氣。)

我們是為了甚麼去相信甚麼？有些人不相信是因為不知道，看不見就以為不存在，想不到就覺得沒可能，未遇過就相信遇不到。但羅蜜歐愛過茱麗葉，梁山佰也愛過祝英台，牛郎織女，一期一會，情節也許是編造的，但沒有愛的人不能叫愛情動人。

我只是相信：有很多事情有可能發生，是因為在最初最初有人相信它們有發生的可能。

i love my boyfriend.

shh. i think he doesn't know. he thinks i like him. oh but "like" is not big enough to describe how i feel for him, it should take a very stupid me not to love him - and i can't be that stupid.

what tough luck! i have found a treasure, sincerely speaking. :) :) :)

i waited and he came.

this morning i was screaming and jumping when mr. postman came with my x'mas gift, that was probably the first time i ever waited for a postman's arrival so eagerly. the story began with me not having a door bell, when i woke up this morning i climbed off the stairs and checked, there was nothing there, and then i toured around my neighbour's mailboxes, they all seemed pretty empty, so i guess today's mails have not been delivered yet. i came back upstairs and thought i would go wait downstairs until he arrived, since without a door bell he wouldn't leave the package in my mailbox, and i would have to go pick it up later in the post office, and that would mean i could only get it after x'mas. but then i changed my mind, i wrote a note and stuck it on my mailbox, asking the postman to call my number if there was a package to be delivered.

but i missed his call.

when i realised that i missed the call, i cried out loud and called him back, asking him to come back, luckily he hasn't left the village yet, and i ran downstairs. and there he was, like a santa claus he brought over my x'mas gift with the kindest smile. i basically bounced all the way back home.

if you want something, and then you get it, it's never so much a big deal. but if it involves a bit of waiting, along with a bit of wishing, it means so much more when it is finally yours. life is never going to feel better when you walk into a shop with hands full of money, being able to buy whatever you want. the great things in life, they never come easy, but they make all the efforts worthwhile. i was happy like a little girl this morning. :) it was such a nice experience to have, when i waited, and it happened.

helping Adelais

there is a little something i have been doing for nearly a year now. it gives me the workload of a psychology master student, exhausts me on most weekends, and squeezes my brain out at times.

but it is so worth it.

i knew it would be mine.

or maybe i was just wishing too hard that even i got convinced that it had to be mine, like how a repeated rumour eventually becomes true. but after like, a few days of excitment, jumping and hopping around in a "i could not wait" kind of mode, i am starting to stress myself out to an extreme extent, i know not if i really wanted it when i thought i wanted it, i sort of saw it as a turning point of my long-stuck life, i got convinced that it had to be a long-haul dream coming to be realised.

but i am scared. how will i be able to manage? a good start means a good end. i am so scared that it will not start perfectly, that i will not be able to be at my best, that i could not give as much as i could offer.

dear life, please don't rush through me. :(

you ought to be very careful with what you wish for.

the two things that i have wished for, for months, are now close to being realised - at the same time. i feel like if i am not careful enough, it's very likely that i will screw everything up.

if there is another life, i will definitely take better care of my little self.

is there such a thing in your life?

something that you wake up every morning hoping that it is right here by your side in a distance that is reachable, and something of a heartfelt desire that is unstoppable?

there are not so many things i want in life, since i sort of think i have already got most of the things i deserve, and the major issue i am concerned with is always more about keeping them than getting more. i have not the time and energy to handle more. i only want what i have to stay mine.

but there are certain things that i simply wake up everyday wanting still and most of them cannot be bought, they are things that i know i cannot ensure that i can have for sure even if i turn exceedingly rich. i am amazed by how the desires linger on. i used to think time helps, you know, since there are obviously things that we think we want, but it turns out that after some time the wanting disappears, and i used to think those certain things i want are among these certain things i think i want.

the fact is i am not even thinking, i have tried my hardest not to think, and then i have also tried my hardest to think as hard as i can, so i may eventually get tired of my own thoughts, thus cease my wanting.

but nothing works, i want us, and it's an everyday thing, and it makes me feel silly at times, because i am feeling too much even when there is not supposed to be much to feel as things stay still, but it goes on, and on, when days are quiet, or noisy, when i am free, or busy, when there are not many people, or too many, when i am sleepy, or insomniac, when i am happy and hyperactive, or pensive and passive.

i am almost sure that this is how juliet must have felt. (yes, i know i am sounding funny.)

one more thing.

i am terribly scared indeed. you see, there are boys you can walk away from, by going to another planet, deleting their phone numbers, blocking them on facebook and removing all of the things that remind you of them. there are bad things to think about, things that make you want to forget them, things that make you feel like you have to try being nice to yourself by walking away from them or everything about you will simply end up pathetic.

but then there is this one boy - there has been this one boy, no matter how far you go you are always with him metaphysically. this is what makes it really scary - because now no matter how far you go you know you won't be able to leave him - because no distance, no time, no nothing matters anymore. he is a seed i planted in my heart, the roots have become tough enough to wrap around my tiny little organ pumping blood, one that decides the functioning of a whole lot of me.

i don't really know how to keep a relationship, i guess i mostly act on my impulse and go with the flow, like sending over silly little things or risky little messages. but i know it just goes on naturally, since this missing and longing simply cling to me. there is nothing i can do. sometimes i try to think about the bad things that hurt me, but the good things always win, i can even know for sure that when we are sweet we are the sweetest - such sweetness has taken over me.

holes on my wall

they need to be filled soon. it has taken me forever. i plan to fill them up with as many madonnas as possible. you see, forever is a word too long.

i am filling them up tomorrow.

i have been really nervous for a whole week, and tomorrow, hopefully, i will get an answer, and please, please, please dear god, my lord, let me have what i want (if it is good for me.)

argh. i miss my boyfriend, but he is sick, and busy, and it would be very inconsiderate of me to keep expressing my flowery affection when he is sick, and busy.

so... hold it, cherry, hold it, and be quiet, please.

當一切到達了瓶頸......

連空氣都彷彿膠住了。積極如我，都找不到出路，拚博到一個發了燒的程度，終於頹唐到一個只能夠等待的地步。來到今天，我只想回復不知多久前的快樂和漂亮，因為我每天花得愈來愈少時間照鏡子，放工回到家裡甚至不願意洗面，因為天氣太冷了，但其實天氣冷只是藉口，曾幾何時我零下幾度都不得不靚，甚麼都捱得過了，我又怎麼捱不得冷，我份人出名捱得。近來活得那樣缺乏興致，覺得生活不知怎的沒有甚麼意義，好像來來去去都是不斷做重覆的事，不斷重覆地做事。我很累了，請宇宙萬物盡其所能給我熱情給我熱誠給我好運氣。當然還請記得，要是我乖乖的等夠了，就給我我最親愛的丹麥曲奇。

i miss you so much boy.

my heart is about to burst into a thousand pieces, i seriously think so.

i swallow words

better than i used to. i think certain things are better left unsaid, since they don't make a difference being said, except worsening what's already bad. ummm, i don't know why i had to rhyme.

winter does really bad things to a person. it makes my skin completely dry, it makes me lose the incentive to look good, it makes me just grab clothes and go out in whatever that keep me warm, it makes me want to sleep - when winter combines period, it makes me lose strength to live. i was thinking about how meaningless life was just this afternoon. it was strange, me out of all the people in the world, me who seeks meaning out of anything, thinks life is meaningless. now that's a curious case.

i even forgot that i had boobs. it was definitely uncanny, i was in the shower, and then suddenly, it was like the first time i realised that my boobs were there. i guess i was too cold to pay attention to them.

winter makes me numb. i hate sleeping in the middle of my bed. i am so cold every night no matter how many blankets i am covered with, or how many pairs of socks i am wearing.

they make me sweat, yet they don't keep me warm and cozy.

心有千千結

winter and everything else depress me. i want what i want to want me, but obviously what i want do not want me as much as i want them. so that's it. the only solution is to tell myself to stop wanting what i want, as that will be the only way to solve this misery.

i am too tired to exist. the weather is too cold for one to sleep in the middle of one's bed alone, yet the only one you want to sleep with is too far away.

i am now too weak even to struggle. whatever will be, will be.

milka

my favourite chocolate in the universe, but it's not available in most supermarkets anymore. my little sister managed to find me a bar of milka the other day, and every bite of it is nostalgic.

when i was in kindergarten my dad would pick me up from school most days, and then we would go buy milka in 7-11, i remember how he used to count the coins to pay for it when he didn't have enough money with him, he was always determined in getting his little girl her chocolate treat, even if it meant emptying his pocket.

now i am old enough to buy fancy chocolates for myself, but it is just different, you know, one day you will grow up to have everything you used to crave, but nothing will be enough to bring you back what you used to have, it is often just certain moments of some quiet afternoons that you miss the most.

我從來都是從別人對我的愛去學懂怎樣愛人，
神的恩典夠我用的，這些回憶就是祂給我最大的恩典。

tall tale

there is this tall tale in my life, one that i accidentally crashed into, and was once forced to get rid of, and had uncontrollably run back to.

i am surprised by how dedicated i am to this one tale. it is all i ever want to realise.

for the things that matter the closest to my heart, i cannot even bring myself to talk about them, since every word will then automatically become wounds once they are spoken.

but it was my choice.

i will just have to rewind my mindset to the stage when i expected nothing but was still happy for the little things i could get.

everything is bigger now, much bigger indeed.

listerine

helps me cry. the longer i keep it in my mouth, the easier it is for me to just drop tears. the hardest part of crying, besides stopping, is possibly starting it, and then you have to think about when to cry, and then where to, and then with whom you can.

it is often a thing you do alone.

it is not like i cried. just that i needed that listerine to take care of my wisdom tooth. it has been hurting like hell for days. but sometimes you just let the pain stay there and be still, and one day when you get used to it you won't notice it's there anymore, but of course until you suddenly bite on it, and oh, there you realise - it has been there all the time.

now, you just have to accept that sometimes you don't get to get the things you want, or get things to go your way. there are circumstances and happenstance and sometimes, you just have to accept that you are not the center of the universe and things don't spin around you and you alone. people can put you on hold, for how long you don't know, but you are granted the pleasure to be on the waiting list, treasure it.

sometimes i think people only love me when they need me. what if i am un-need-able? or maybe i am not even that loved, just that i often mistake "a little" for "too much".

pms. obviously.

i have lived a very long week

and i am living it still. i have returned to the stage at which i'd rather just stay in and be silent, things keep falling on me and i have no idea how i am going to manage anything anymore.

oh well, of course i will manage, i always have to.

but mercury would you please kindly return to your zone? why do you go out of phase every once in a while? have you not noticed that the way you keep misplacing yourself has made the right things seem wrong and the wrong things seem more wrong? oh i beg, i beg, i beg the universe.

fake silver

we are fake silver turned gold. i must have hoped for it
real hard, i must have prayed a lot, too, like
an alchemist of the curious kind.
who knows, i only remember having cried
myself to sleep. i thought it was a pardoned
(or abandoned?) dream, a quick-fixed moon of honey
staying stuck in memories.

i put it on my left hand's middle finger, i heard
that it means, i don't want no other, it is less of
a heavy promise, and more of a gesture
that speaks my mind. i will live with it,
i will, pardon me, if i shall die with it,
i will marry you like that, with
a plain white dress, sandals and loose hair.
(oh pardon me again.)

you have no idea, or maybe you do.
i wooed you first, (was it really me?)
you wooed me then, (you did it, or did i do it
again? no way.) but it doesn't matter
as we are both in it now, all of a sudden,
the cutest, the sweetest,
like nothing was ever broken.
out of nowhere and everywhere,
it happened and it happens that
sometimes fake silver means golden.

every happy girl is a pretty girl.

i am almost as vain as snow white's stepmother, that's why i don't allow myself to be sad for too long, or live too long in dismay, or disgrace, or disappointment or discontent, despite the fact that my boyfriend is right, i do have dramatic mood swings, my ups and downs are swift, drastic and obvious.

someone once told me that the key to success is me, that i am the key to my own success, that if i do not take good care of myself or be as friendly to my spirit as possible, success will not take place. i keep this in my heart and on my mind. i love the idea that out of everything in the universe, me myself has the power to take on things and have them realised.

oh well.

so now i sit and i wish and i wait, this passivity makes me feel a bit caged and unsettled, but if it is mine, it always will be, like the many things that i have lost and found. i have lived long enough to gather enough experience to tell myself that patience and hope are the key to all the long-haul dreams.

my heart keeps yelling at my brain

and my veins go all pumped up, jumping in hot blood. i don't know if it is really because i know things, or it is simply how one feels when one wants things, wanting so much that you are convinced by the thought that it has to be it, that if it is a wish it has to be realised.

i know listening to my own heart always means the best for me, the calling is sometimes too strong that i just dive into actions and keep going. there are often walls to crash but sometimes you'd rather feel the pain.

the other day someone sort of blamed me for being non-responsive. in fact, my responsiveness is very much limited to work-related or family/best friends/boyfriend-catagorised beings, that is possibly my laziness coming to play, but it is also because of how little time and energy i have got left after i have served the first 10 things or people on my pirority list.

going back to the thing(s) i really want, a turning point for me is just around the corner, and may all the powers in the universe come to me and help make it happen.

其實你愛我

我突然明白了，為甚麼我沒有發現呢。
我太投入女朋友的角色，
又很愛扮茱麗葉，只是自顧自地自編自導自演，
一連串疑似錯摸和心碎的情節，
其實你有幾愛我，我都沒有察覺到。

於是我今天像個白痴那樣傻笑了很久，
然後又感動到快要流淚的關頭，
好像我的小男孩終於長大了一樣，
原來他已經懂得關心我、擔心我、著緊我，
他還會想要為我付出，千里迢迢，
一心只想來看我，如果不是因為愛
還可以是甚麼原因哩，為甚麼我可以盲目到一個地步
只看得見自己的心意？

我都不知道我是甚麼構造的。 =_______________=