2010年11月24日 星期三

happy birthday

few days ago i had a dream of you, a dream flooded with the “i miss you, i have to see you” kind of agony, a dream so unfulfilling, hopeless and devastating, almost like a tragedy.

the irony is how much i struggled to wake up from it, and found me safe when i was finally waking up into the world, in which reality spoke “see you no more” a thousand times more truthfully.

i think it is an old story now, our departure. but some stories always make me cry, no matter how many times i have re-visited them, or how much time i have spent not re-visiting them.

maybe it is the way truth is told. time heals nothing. it only moves us on and leaves us space to be filled with other things. but chances of encounter with the pins of memories circulate, like that dream out of nowhere. suddenly it pins me everywhere.

the only way i can manage not to cry when i think of you is to not think of you. but it makes me guilty and empty not thinking of you. the very sight of your smile chokes me with thoughts and tightens my throat. i wish there are ghosts, or spirits, or souls, just to know that you do not just disappear.

but it’s too old a story now. i feel embarrassed still not being able to overcome this wave of sadness. it looks like i am immature and stubborn or probably just stupid. but for all my life you have been so extremely important.

euripides would say, “waste not fresh tears over old griefs.”

but there is no such thing as old griefs. each time it is renewed and refilled, as each day is another day, breaks with a new shade of hue.

on addiction

it deprives me of sleep, of energy, and even of writing and reading. i am so addicted. it's the first thing that comes onto my mind every morning, and it is the last thing i think about when i go to bed at night. it has invaded my heart completely, taking away all my senses except my senses for it. the touch of it lifts my spirit and i feel so indulged when i feel it with my hands.

i am so completely addicted.

my heart is so full still. maybe it's just the passion from my childhood that has come alive. maybe it's just me, or the immediacy to make things happen, and all things beautiful, just like writing or painting, like words on papers or pictures on canvas.

it is so direct. ever honest. and so lovely. i wish the world would feel like how i feel when i am with it, every moment, so nothing bad can happen to anyone, because we are all so well-protected and sincere, simply by being with its being.

it feels like i have completely fallen in love, with a lover, whose presence is with me every second.

2010年11月19日 星期五

sometimes it only takes a long long time

to wait. sometimes it takes too long that you eventually forget
what you have been waiting for. but the waiting is not dead yet, it is only asleep. until someone or something comes around to wake it up and maybe when it is the right time it will then be awaken.

my heart is so full. i don't know why it took such a long time. maybe the time was never quite right. and i was never sure enough. it is not just a thing. it is major. and sacred. and it has what it takes to indulge me like a little princess. i only ever dreamt of having it. but i never did. i didn't even dare saying it out too loud.

now i have it. i want to keep it.

2010年11月17日 星期三

i remember too much

too well. of you, of me
of once upon a time the dazzling stares
on tangling steps, and i must have slept
for a century, already,
for i feel like i had, waking up
with the absent accent
out of nowhere and everywhere.

2010年11月15日 星期一

think me a thought.

at times i find him adorable. the way he walks with his arms wrapped around me, the smell of his shirt, the fact that he always says the wrong things at the wrong moments. the way that he sometimes doesn't know what he is indeed talking about, especially when he is with me.

today i saw many people taking graduation photos. and suddenly my heart was filled with a certain kind of warmth. i remember him rushing to me with a bunch of sunflowers on that particular day. i did not find it important until today i looked back and realised how glad i am to have had him all the way.

this evening i got his postcard from belgium. so here is the boy who would carry me in his heart even when he was on the other side of the world seeing some of the most beautiful views on earth. i know i was never forgotten.

2010年11月11日 星期四

adam and eve

it's time to give this sugar coma a little bit sugary boost. but my sugar level is actually very, very low. why is love ever so miserable? the less i want the less i can get, but wanting more can only make me a greedy person, and whoever greedy will only end up in either poverty or loneliness. so cherry will be a good girl and be still and wait, and maybe someday my love will reward me with a happiness sugary sweet (or maybe not.)

the art of love is not yet something i can render masterly. my hands are often stiff and cold. my voice too, oh my stupid little voice, i have no idea why it sounds like it is today. once upon a time i was in the choir! and my music teachers used to say i sang "the sound of music" beautifully. these days i prefer to sit quietly and write a lot. this is something i know for sure, that maybe one day i can live on my own words, if i try hard enough in making it happen.

these days i have been reading Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe. some women fall into the hands of fate and have to struggle enough before securing their happiness for real and for good. i find that heartbreaking and pathetic. but we are only here because for one moment god thought adam might be lonely...... *sigh*

so god made lonely eve to couple adam's share of loneliness, and they made us simply by hanging around in the garden of eden without wisdom.

but of course the adam in this painting is misleading, isn't it weird that he's covering himself up (as an act out of shame) before eve has successfully convinced him to taste the forbidden fruit? i think dr. muir talked about it already. how i miss the lectures i had back at school. i wish to go back one day, to indulge myself from head to toe in art and literature.

2010年11月10日 星期三

不洗手的女人

有次和男朋友去吃飯,男朋友告訴我那侍應生去完洗手間沒有洗手,我已經陷入極度恐慌。不過其實這情況在香港這個現代化城市仍很普遍,不只是男的,連女的也一樣。

很多時候,總是在洗手間目擊很多女士,從廁格走出來以後,草草的在水龍頭沾幾滴水,便算洗過了手。小姐呀,我剛剛花足幾十秒按照牆上的指示左搓搓右搓搓洗淨了手,你這樣輕輕過一過冷河又走去開門,我再去碰那門柄,豈不是白費了剛剛的時間、心機、水和梘液?你不是認為自己的一舉手、一投足都是無菌的吧?

最近常常都在這裡批評別人,實在令我有點兒討厭自己。不過為甚麼這些事業型女性,連小小的公德心、基本的衛生常識都欠奉?

由於現在是吃飯時候,我已經不想開始去投訴這些淑女去完廁所不沖廁的頻率有多高。

2010年11月9日 星期二

關愛機心

朋友說有親友的丈夫總是收到公司女同事的短訊,內容不外乎是提醒他「天氣凍了,要多穿衣服。」老婆當然不悅,多次向丈夫投訴,得到的回應也是「我甚麼都沒做過。」「只是一個普通訊息吧了。」「同事之間的關心,沒甚麼不妥。」之類。這個男人是真的不知道發生甚麼事,還是在裝傻?還是每個男人都享受諸如此類的左右逢源?

他的理直氣壯,令女人都開始懷疑自己小器,怕沒面子,又不敢向身邊的親友提起,老公又不肯處理,於是只能自個兒想想想想,那個時候心情大起大跌得好緊要,誰喜歡與一個情緒化的人共處?自然又是女人的錯,老公都怪她蠻不講理。

試問男女又怎可能平等?貞節對於大部份的女人來說都是非常重要的。女人出軌,自己接受得了與多於一個男人玉帛相見,也怕被世界嫌棄,說是水性楊花、紅杏出場。男人呢?只不過是逢場作興。在英語世界裡,花心的男人最多叫player、playboy,也聽不出有多侮辱,風流得來還帶有幾分瀟灑,女人卻開口埋口都是slut、whore,面皮再厚都無地自容。美好的二十多歲就投資在男人身上,到男人出頭,女人的美麗年華亦已不再,姊弟戀招人話柄之餘又沒有未來,年紀小的男人未有本事,那會和你結婚、組織家庭?再等一下吧,終於等到他出頭了,女人再老一點,男人又再意氣風發一點,新一批的二十多歲美女、才女又冒起了,那個男人甘心有得看沒得吃?男女不平等,本來就是現實,更何況,女人有仔還要趁嫩生,寧願承受九級撕裂的劇痛都要生孩子,養兒一百歲,又要長憂九十九。幾多的歲月只能磋跎。

話說回頭,大家都是女人,難道看不出對方那些短訊有何居心?真正的好人,就不會做出令人誤會的、影響別人夫妻感情的事情,知道別人是有婦之夫就應該懂得避忌。但偏偏在男人眼中,家裡的那個永遠都是小器、壞心眼又妒忌心重,外頭那個就甚麼都好,天氣冷了還會關心同事,心地善良又溫柔體貼,現在還要被自己的老婆誣蔑,男人頓時覺得她梨花帶雨又多添了幾分楚楚可憐。

這個世界,不是女,就是男,男女總會有交集,但人與人之間的相處,永遠都應該有一條底線,做人要清楚自己的身份、責任和位置,一個人只能對有限的人負責任。要你不覆女同事的短訊、避免不必要的誤會,也算是犧牲嗎?你犧牲了甚麼?何以那個短訊會如此重要?

難道那位女同事當了你的正室,她又會願意你去覆別個女人的短訊?她自己心裡最清楚這些關心背後的機心。

2010年11月8日 星期一

facebook birthdays

我說我不會隨便給不相熟或平時零交流的人在facebook說生日快樂,有人問我為何要吝嗇這樣一個令人快樂的小動作,說這只是一個分享愛的方法。

如果我對那個人有心,我不會執著於生日這一天;如果我和那個人有交流,我會留言,盡可能都不只一句「happy birthday」那麼敷衍,關係再好些的,我會發個信息、打個電話、約他吃飯,甚至為他舉行生日會。我相信在生日當天得到朋友的祝福是高興的,但我們的世代也有些奉行「量化政策」的人,生日的時候得到的生日留言愈多,就覺得愈快樂,但那種快樂只不過是來自留言數目的多寡 ( = 虛榮心),與說的人沒有關係。幾天前,南華早報就報導過,我們的年青人原來已經被facebook佔據生活到一個地步,會因為在facebook上的留言不夠多而感到憂鬱和沮喪。

相反,亦有些人,不在乎留言,只在乎留言的人。我和他真的不相熟,我也不覺得這樣好日都不說話只是生日留個言有多大誠意。在我的觀念裡,朋友之間的愛不是單向的,有些友誼,建立了又無法維持,我寧願不要了,每一段關係都必須用心建立,我不把閒來說八掛吃喝玩樂的酒肉朋友當作好朋友,即使我曾經有多達20位好好好朋友(近來未有統計過),他們全都是與我經歷過類似愛與生死那些經歷的人。不過,當然,每個人對朋友的定義也不一樣。

每個人分享愛的方式也不同,分享愛的對象也不同。

我的愛不在這裡,不在於給一些年青力壯生活幸福的人多餘而無意義的祝福和關心,我寧願花時間關心這個社會,為真正有需要的人去爭取、抱不平 (即使我未有激動到走上街去);我也寧願多愛這個地球,facebook很好,就是因為我可以把有意義的信息分享出去,綠色和平需要人簽petition,用這個功能就超讚了。我也會為朋友的功課proofread,但只因他們總是那麼乖乖的自己絞盡腦汁之後才需要我的幫忙,他們是為自己的學業負責任,從來不會給我「老奉」的感覺。為甚麼我想要花一生從事藝術推廣?因為我認為精神上的富足最重要。好的藝術就是愛的表現,對人性、社會、大自然的愛,所謂的 romanticism 歌頌的也就是這些愛,與 romance 不同的,而我常常說我是 romantic,在很大程度上是指18世紀那個時候的那些 romantics。

幾天前才給米路介紹了一個網址,每天花幾分鐘click一click那些links,就可以把愛廣傳出去了。(現在順便宣傳一下……)

http://www.humane.net/

也許我是吝嗇的,facebook birthday messages,對於我來說,只是錦上添花,想要也好,不想要也罷。

2010年11月7日 星期日

壞好人 二

爸爸也是個壞好人。

有一年,姐姐給弟弟砌了一台電腦,說是生日禮物。不久之後,爸爸有個朋友,告訴他,她的兒子沒有電腦,爸爸就把弟弟的電腦送了給人,那時候,我們的經濟環境也不是很好,不過,他說送就送吧,我們都沒有說甚麼,直至他拿著電腦出去了,弟弟就哭了起來。(他當時年紀還小。)

他總是說當爸爸的兒女就是不能心胸狹窄、要大方。他也一心想著去幫人,總喜歡幫外面的人。賺到錢就通知全世界:「誰有需要就來問我老婆拿吧!」幫得人時又顧不到頭家,最終又要辛苦媽媽。

始終喜歡把錢到處派,只不過是去尼泊爾旅行,也答應給的士司機的兒女買電腦,給這個供書、那個供樓,邀請那麼多人來分享煩惱,想盡辦法要幫人解決問題、改善生活。媽媽在酒店想念我們,叫他給我打電話,他就要她等,等了她幾個小時,等到她發脾氣。

他幫這個交電費、那個交水費,公司的員工上班一個月,甚麼都不用做,就已經升職加薪還有租屋津貼,那樣好人的老闆去那兒找。

然後他病了,再死了,一直陪在他身邊的也就只有我們幾個,老實說,他活到人生最後一年,才懂得真真正正也永永遠遠地珍惜身邊最親的人。

可能因為爺爺是搞革命的,他有遺傳吧,爺爺放下家庭去解放國家,這樣的偉大,那麼的轟轟烈烈。

他大概也沒有想過自己會走得這樣早,可能是因為他總是認為老婆兒女在身邊,總是有辦法保護著的,就奮不顧身地去幫助人,到底那些人值不值得犧牲家庭去幫助,我也不知道,不過我也敢肯定他們不是壞人來的。

是我心胸狹窄嗎?也許。因為我的幸福總是為了些陌生人而粉碎,要求愈低,得到的待遇便愈差,終於剩下我要獨自擔起頭家。我也不敢太慷慨了,我知道如果顧不掂自己、顧不掂屋企,就會為疼愛我們的人帶來負擔。我也決心要當個可以讓媽媽弟弟妹妹倚靠的人,因為我們曾經活得那麼無依無靠,我會永遠守在他們身邊,把他們擺在第一位。

有時候,你對一方好,就是對另一方殘忍。我絕對不懷疑,我們在爸爸的心目中,從來都是最重要的,不過也因為我們經常都在,遇上甚麼事的時候,他就寧願忽略我們的需要。直至外頭的世界背棄他了,他就知道沒有甚麼人比親人更親。

同事問我為甚麼悶悶不樂,整個早上都這樣安靜,我不敢說其他人的記憶也一樣,但我的記憶偏偏總會出現連鎖反應,好日都不會想起這些傷心事,不過遇上了甚麼事情觸動了這些記憶,就出現骨牌效應,崩潰了,一發不可收拾。

我暫時還控制不了自己。我好怕命運會是一個周而復始的悲劇。 媽媽愛爸爸,也不過是愛他的心地好,誰會想到嫁個好人還要受那麼多的委屈。

我只想找個靜靜的地方,靜靜地哭。

壞好人

有些好人那麼壞。

他說:「我不求甚麼,一心只想待你好。」

她自然心花怒放,心想要不是因為他對自己有意思,絕不會這想關心她,有誰這麼得閒呢?天下間,那麼多事都不管,大家樂變相減薪他都不願置評,偏偏這樣著緊她的心理質素。

那樣的好人還不只一個,為甚麼總有這樣突如其來地待人好的男孩子?男女之間,甚至不需要是好朋友,甚至不需要有感情基礎。

那一年,爸爸不在了。暑假的最後一天,我在後台遇上他,偶然間,他知道我總是放學後,散漫長的步,找個地方就躲起來哭,他說他擔心我,從此以後,他在我非常脆弱的時候,給我很多的安慰和支持。

當然,我絕對有自作多情的傾向,(再加上他是那樣的一個美男子),凌晨三時還在我的生日和情人節交界趕到我面前,偶然還跟我去約會,吃完飯再看戲,我難免開始有些泥足深陷。

一年半載之後,事情也還是那樣的毫無進展,情詩他照單全收,信息他永遠都覆,我還以為他和我兩情相悅。

當然愛情總沒有那麼順利,他到頭來也只是喜歡待人好,他對很多人都是這樣,只不過女孩子特別需要又容易得到那種類似獨家優惠的厚待,尤其是漂亮的女孩子。我傷心了,還是只能怨自己,他沒有責任要負的,待我好吧了,又沒佔我便宜,他對得住天地良心,計落我還有賺呢,憑甚麼去學人傷心。 更何況,他從頭到尾都沒有女朋友,他喜歡對誰好都可以。

女孩子最受得落和受不了的,都是男孩子莫名其妙的關心。

然後,我學聰明了,也不再隨便幻想甚麼,喜不喜歡我,不到他親口說出來,打死也不信。(就算他說出來,開心一下就好,不要有太多期望。) 愛情於我,終於那樣朝不保夕了起來。

幾多的傷心,就只怪那句「我只想待你好。」它可以甚麼都是,也可以甚麼都不是。

ridiculous thoughts

i think i am suffering from some major confidence and self-esteem issues. it would be rather stupid to say how one encounter might have crushed me. and i would rather, in most possible ways, deny it. i would choose to act mature and explain to myself how it was only one time and it would not matter. but then i can't, i can't and i still can't. i am still constantly feeling small and not particularly useful, special or worthy. of course i know i am not like any of those. but these feelings won't go away.

my friend told me that the first step to a soul-searching journey is to not start such a journey. oh but i feel like i need to do something before having myself further crushed.

i used to read Jane Eyre when i felt depressed and unimportant, just to realise that Jane is like me and i am not lonely. she is not pretty, but she is passionate.

"Most true is it that 'beauty is in the eye of the gazer.' My master’s colourless, olive face, square, massive brow, broad and jetty eyebrows, deep eyes, strong features, firm, grim mouth, — all energy, decision, will, — were not beautiful, according to rule; but they were more than beautiful to me; they were full of an interest, an influence that quite mastered me, — that took my feelings from my own power and fettered them in his. I had not intended to love him; the reader knows I had wrought hard to extirpate from my soul the germs of love there detected; and now, at the first renewed view of him, they spontaneously arrived, green and strong! He made me love him without looking at me." - Jane Eyre on Mr. Rochester

"I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself." Jane Eyre on Herself

and me on me. i am so troubled by everything lately. the re-occurrence of nonrecurring dreams. but i have to stop looking outside myself for happiness. no one is supposed to make you happy, cherry, you are the only one with such obligations.

2010年11月6日 星期六

objective eyes

i wish there is someone for me, someone in whose world i could ever be the most beautiful, wonderful, fabulous, gorgeous... etc. which would make me the best out of everyone, and justify the reason why in his world i should ever exist in a way so important.

i hate those objective eyes, of course i know, it's meaningless to want to be the best in every way in the realistic world outside, but isn't love an access to another magical reality? that's why girls/women often glow when they are in love, because for once in their lives there is some sort of perfection to count on.

beauty lives in the beholder's eyes. if it is objective it is no love, likewise, if it's objective it's no beauty.

if you're not blinded by love yet, not blind enough to see that she is at least the prettiest girl in the universe, you're possibly not in love with her.

why so objective? it's love, honey. it is supposed to perfect every bit of imperfection in the imperfect world, it's supposed to perfect you and her no matter how imperfect you both might be.

there is only one standard and acceptable answer ever. she has to be the best, the worst, the most in everything. tell her that she cannot be compared, that there is no one else like her, and she has to be the most beautiful in your world.

or else she is only the one most available to you. and that will suck till eternity.

2010年11月5日 星期五

thank you

for making me feel more defeated than a day ago, for having rushed over for someone else, on the day that i, too, needed to be comforted. my waiting has been meaningless. the way i sucked up my loneliness was simply stupid.

i wonder why i have to be such a tragic character in my own stories, why i had to be the one to walk under the rain in weather so cold, shedding tears so unwillingly.

i don't want to care about those who don't care about me anymore.

2010年11月4日 星期四

strange fear

meeting her often reminds me of my first experience on stage in a singing contest. it was disastrous and horrible. i didn't remember the lyrics. everyone was staring at me. i could not even find my voice. i had no idea why i was there. or why i had to put myself out there.

it was humiliating.

i think i met her first in 2007, that was 3 years ago. at first i found her gorgeous, and then i realised that she was also one of the most successful women in our society. how can someone be so smart, beautiful, energetic, clear-minded and absolutely perfect? i get so nervous everytime i see her, that my mind goes blank and my tongue turns tied. everytime i end up talking in broken english with empty words. she is too good, i feel weak immediately. the secret castle i built in me collapses right at her approach. the nicer she is to me the more i have to panic. oh it has been such a nightmare. i love seeing her, and hate having me seen. like a little fans standing in front of her super idol, thinking "i will never be good enough."

maybe it is because my confidence has been built on the fact that everyone and everything has to be flawed in some ways, that perfection exists in imperfection. but this lovely woman in front of me shows how exactly someone can be so nearly flawless. my flaws get all alert in her presence, like hands that squeeze my neck so hard i can almost suffocate.

i feel so defeated. this woman's effect on me is greater than even most handsome men. today i took the challenge again and failed in every possible way. i again acted like a stupid barbie doll, a vase, a cherry just small in terms of both form and meaning. i always know that i am good enough, and i will always be better - except that everytime i see her my belief disappears.

my desires to be better and matter are then awake. i can't wait to make things happen, to grow and to glow. but how? oh strange fear, speak to me.