i summon you love,

hopes, dreams, good energy, positiveness, sunshine, grace, beauty and elegance, you shall all come to me. cheer me up, lift my spirit, and motivate me towards what i want.

時差的壞處

不堅持到可以會面，又要等多一整天。

可悲的消費 pathetic consumption

最可悲的其中一種人生未免是只能藉以消費去獲取快樂的人生，物質主義到一個地步，不買就不滿足，但買完滿足完又再空虛過，為了追款而轉款，因為買得起就去買，分不清需要和想要，就算分得清都不清楚是為了甚麼而需要甚麼，又是為了甚麼而想要甚麼。

如果你對這個世界還有幾分責任感和良心，你就不會捨得這樣漫無止境地助長浪費；如果你覺得三兩天轉一轉手機相機傢俱電器是值得自豪的事，我只能說我真的只能打從心底地為你感到可悲，因為你的人生不過如此，一切只靠推砌，膚淺得一目了然。

卸下了一身華貴，屬於你的有幾多是真正關於你？關於你的有幾多是真正屬於你？

靈犀

我還以為我們之間只有電光火石那樣的衝動，
但原來我們之間還有一份靈犀。
相比起其他情侶，我們的相處
不知道是要叫多還是叫少
一起的時候，永遠都是日夕相對，全世界只有我們倆
過著兩個人的生活，總能快速地適應對方，
親密得像相識很久，又從來都沒有分開過一樣。
我們試過整整一年多沒有見過面，
那時候，連視像會面都缺，
可是他總是能夠在最關鍵的關頭提醒我，
我們有過的不好放手，直至終於見面了，
才明白分不分開都是分不開。
近來我們的感情愈來愈好了，
常常都不自覺地說同樣的話，他說我們想的都一樣，
我們在時差的間距中，各自睡覺又同時醒來，
我們連午夜夢迴的思念都一樣，
甚至是造的夢都一樣，感冒都一樣，
這些那些又怎麼可能只是巧合呢。
就算隔了半個天涯，還得忍受所謂的夜長夢短，
就算整個時空裡充斥著等待，
就算拖手接吻擁抱這樣的尋常事，
成為了最令我們期待的情節，
這份靈犀叫我無論如何都心甘情願。
我說過永遠是一件太漫長的事，
到了這個地步，對著他我還是只敢說「喜歡」，
因為我固執，我想確實地知道他說的每句話和做的每件事
都自動自覺又發自內心，然後我每次等到了就特別開心。
如果我們能夠這樣下去，如果我們這樣也能繼續下去，
我其實真的極有可能愛他一輩子。

if i ever saw a ghost it'd change the way i think.

when i was little my dad often asked me to kiss him on his cheek, i would do that, and then i would always complain about his unshaved face, and then he would laugh.

now i miss that.

we argued the most, for several times i was stubborn enough to not talk to him for a month, but he always tried to make us talk again, one time he broke the ice by helping me tie my shoelaces.

when he was in the hospital for the first day i helped him shave, the tumor was sitting on his nervous system and that made him shout at me every second, even the nurses were scared, but that was how i learnt to know that i could be strong enough to stick with someone through the best of time and the worst of it.

happy birthday there, and i love you.

賜我一道喜鵲橋

隨遇就能安。

織織復織織

將全副心思投放在一個不斷重覆的動作，
一而再又再而三，錯了又拆，拆了又錯。

這件事我從來沒有這樣的起心盰地認真過。

也好，至少這七手八腳的糾纏安置了思念，
讓我走進一個寂靜的空間，
守望一件心事。



問女何所思，問女何所憶。

i am too hongkong.

am i? am i not?

but this is how hongkong goes,
hongkong goes like there is no tomorrow.

something is wrong.

i don't know what, maybe it's me.
i think i have depression.

why is my heart feeling sick all the time now?
i hope it is only because of hormones.
i wish this sick feeling will go away soon enough.

thank you friendship

p: for listening to my monkey dreams, and things that i am interested in expressing, for understanding my pms attitudes, for caring, for sharing, for pub crawling, for dancing all night, for joking, for laughing, for appreciating my company, for being honest, for having fun, for occupying central on a saturday night.

m: for the "cherry rao i miss you" sms early on sunday morning, for telling me that i am smart, pretty and goodhearted, and that i am perfect the way i am, for loving me, for letting me love you back.

i feel so thankful! :) life can't be bad when you need people and you have them.

the monkey dream bugs me still,

besides the fact of me being a pms victim again. i am depressed and easily upset. i feel weak, fragile and unimportant TONIGHT.

speaking of insecurity, i recall this funny conversation i had with someone, we were talking about Mona Lisa and he said she was really insecured that she needed that much security, and i said i was insecured, too, and then he said he was not sure if i was more insecured or Mona Lisa... xD anyways, it can be really funny (to me) when one word serves two meanings.

i am free to write whatever i want tonight because a woman on period can get away with almost everything.

oh well, going back to the monkey dream, i hate that i dreamt of monkeys! it makes me go around thinking people may be playing tricks on me or doing things behind my back etc., combined with the pms the whole thing has turned me into someone i dislike to a serious extent. i hope this feeling will go away ASAP! i cannot take being gloomy and suspicious anymore. :/

again, why did stupid Eve even ate that apple?! but of course she was stupid enough to do so, God did not give her wisdom, and he did it on purpose, so, i guess, God set Adam and Eve up and gives women pms on purpose... i guess? maybe.

ummm. you see, i believe in things like i know them. but of course i don't know that many things, and for all the things i think i know, i am not always sure. but sometimes i do think that i know things, and i think that if i stick with my guts and feelings everything is doomed to fall right into place eventually. am i too optimistic? but i guess, well, at one point, things just cannot go wrong anymore, that no matter what went wrong before, when the time is right every good thing shall attract one another and gather around you and your world has to blossom.

when i am pessimistic i think, well, if you did not make it before, why would you make it now? if someone did not love you back then, why would he love you now? if he could give you up once, why would he stick with you twice?

but i cannot allow negativity to rule, because it is bad. i only get whatever i have now by ever being strong in tough circumstances and keeping up my positive thinking. i lived a year in which i had pretty much nothing to count on, actually, i lived some years like that, from time to time throughout my whole life, but still, now i am almost proud enough to call myself a self-made person. (i don't have a lot still, and a lot of what i have now can only be mine with me being continously working my lungs out, but so what. i am still glad.)

speaking of romance, you see, the thing is not really about how much i am wanted, at times i am quite certain that it has to be at least very much, but i'd rather not go around calculating, the problem with me is that i have trouble figuring out how much is too much, and whether enough is enough etc., at the end i think none of it matters that much.

if my heart leaps only to one person's existence, and if my ears yearn only for his sweetness, and if this wanting does not stop, and if i sincerely mind getting close with anyone else but him, it is easy (for me) to decide what to have, and what not.

whatever you do or do not do.

the monkey dream

i consider it a nightmare everytime i dream of monkeys. they don't mean good, monkeys are cunning, they play tricks on you, fool you, and make you slip on banana skins so they can laugh "gwa gwa gwa" right at your face.

ummmm. no good.

i guess it is the pms again. i am damn tired, sleepy and weak, but i have got loads of things to accomplish still. oh life, oh life, you are moving too slow and too fast at the same time, how can that even be possible?! but you have managed to do so! great, awesome, fantastic. clap, clap.

第二夜

又回到那個人生中最冷的冬天。

在哥本哈根的第二夜，

我們步行去Chirstiania

那是一個禧皮士聚居地。

當時的天氣，

冷到我以為自己的心藏都要停止了，

走了很久，我們走到一條橋，

他發現我異常地安靜，

便問我怎麼了。

我一下子崩潰了
說我冷得快要死掉。

他慌忙地問我怎麼不早點告訴他，

就帶我走進了咖啡館取暖。

其實我真的很麻煩，

又怕冷又怕大風，

又貪靚又畏高，
又揀飲擇食又怕死，

手腳無時無刻都很笨拙。

機靈的，一直都只有腦袋吧了。

it goes on clear

today i slept, i woke a bit at 2pm, ate pancakes, drank hot chocolate, looped the same "i want you" song for 4 or 5 times until i ran out of energy to press replay, sent over a sms, and fell asleep again. the sunshine which leaked through my window was glamorous, i even thought to myself that i should go jogging, but when i woke again the sky was dark already, i saw stars and it was nearly 7pm. mom came in to ask what i wanted for dinner.

it has been forever since i last enjoyed such long sleep! i sincerely love sleeping.

they say a crush lasts for 3 to 4 months, and a fling is usually over once you have got that person, logically speaking, no amount of puppy fondness can make me crave this one particular person so extremely much, as they also say that every boy gives love and hugs.

i have always known that it is not just another coincidence, no way can it be the oh i just happen to fall in love with you kind of randomness, that will not in a million years make any sense to my cherry thoughts.

my feelings for my own boyfriend are simply dramatic.

那天下著雨

我本來要穿綠色恤衫和粉紅色絲襪
他笑著問我是不是準備上幼稚園
於是我不情願地換上了深藍色的裙子

那天的雨愈下雨大 天氣也很冷
我們去完教堂 又去過了博物館
我說不想回家 想先去吃個下午茶

但我們都沒有打傘

他牽著我的手走了很多條街
我說要放棄 他卻很堅持

明明車就泊在附近 要回家也很容易
但我看著我們不自覺地笑起來了
我竟然還真的找到這樣的一個人
陪我做這樣浪漫的事情

終於兩隻落湯雞走進了一間精緻的咖啡館
吃了美味的批 喝了溫熱的茶
(那是用特別香料煲的印度奶茶，窩心地好喝，現在想起也回味)

你想我時我也想你
但我答應了自己
不能灰心不能氣餒
不能埋怨也不能發脾氣
我要絕對盲目地為等待崇拜

因為我真的覺得我們值得
也因為你是我最重要的決定
你是其中一件令我覺得不枉此生的事情

js3242

i got a little white car the year i got my driver's license
my father got it for me it was a love at first sight
and that year i was nineteen
we used to drive to the sea where i would park my car
and we would walk to the sun to its setting
it was such a good year and we had love we had peace
and life was a bliss
but one day my dear life faded away
i sold you at a price that screamed no way

and i will forever miss you my js3242

big tea rice

we crave this big tea rice dream, in which we do life
carefree, we dream of living in another country, acting out as
drama queens, owning a hostel, and
opening a bakery. we love for loving and live for living
and we wish to earn our big tea rice
without cutting back on
dignity. we are the most hardworking girls we know
as we move our heels above our toes, we are
desperate to meet
everytime we kick our knees, yet
time times our time together, how obsessively mean.
but i know, for sure, and i am more sure than anyone i know,
that i know, one day we will eat that rice and drink that tea,
all those that are big of mastery.

someday i will own a cozy little shop

above which, on the 2/f it will be a cozy studio flat where i live. i will put up some seats outdoor, like a cafe, for people to do cozy little chats, inside there will be stacks of books on filled shelves, records of old school music, artworks that speak, the smell of coffee and cakes. there will be poetry sharing or writer talks in the evening, when at night there will be bands performing, acrostic, and everyone will be drinking wine, even dancing.

well that is just one cosy little thought.

小偷

我的雙腳總是冷冰冰的。
不過有人縱容我去當個偷體溫的人，
在冬天來到的早晨
說那溫度是我應得的。

這溫熱暫時還隔了半個天涯，
但我的心頭已經暖到肢體再冷都頂得住。

這幾個月來的甜蜜指數爆了燈，
我還是每天都為我們的美好出神。
原來爸爸沒有誇張，
終於有一天，我們都會明白，

有些人真的住得進你的骨子裡。

紅豆

日又掛 夜又掛
這樣長久地廝磨
是否就能夠造就長相廝守的可能？

見不到面，卻依然勁中意。
這是甚麼道理呢？:)

就因為這個人拿了真心來給我回應
連等待都變得這樣心甘情願。


此物最相思。

rehearsed steps on an empty stage

that boy's got my heart in a silver cage.

the more he wants me, the more i want him.
i am always going to want more, it is doomed
like the dazzling stares.

they stare at me while i stare at you.

three beautiful things

1. today i realised i am already one step closer to the life i want, and that my hard work each day is worth so much more than i have imagined. respect is a hard-earned thing and now i am starting to believe that my efforts will not go to waste. :) i only hope that i am good enough for what i want. with all my heart i will persist and then i will succeed!!! (hopefully.)

2. the greatest luxury to me lately (which i finally have time to experience tonight) is to have the energy to dance to MGMT in my own bedroom. (it may sound a bit pathetic but, but, but! i don't care! i have to dance to feel alive!) ohhhh and andrew of MGMT...! <3 :) indie rokkers is the sexiest song.

3. hugo boy came home for dinner tonight, and at one point he screamed "i kiss you!" and then he did, with a big big kiss on my cheek (even with audio effects!) we played the monster game and i kind of enjoyed pretending to be killed by a superhero! it brings back so many of my childhood memories! :) how i love my baby nephews (and thank god that they love me, too!)

tomorrow i will have a lot to do again, but to help me survive i always have the idea of a sweet vacation on my mind. :) :) :)

i can feel him.

strange! but i notice that i can. i tend to know it when he misses me. i guess when two hearts are connected, distance really doesn't matter - except that the waiting can get a bit bitter sometimes.

but the bitterness only enhances the sweetness afterall, i know it because i have been there. :)

i am still doing it because i know we are worth so much more than i can imagine, many of the best moments that happened, they weren't all that imaginable. i cannot count how many times the idea of us took me by surprise.

each time i thought to myself that it would be the best it could be, but i was wrong, it turns out that the best keeps getting better.

i really hope to see him soon! but now that i know it is just a matter of time for us to meet, i am actually beginning to enjoy waiting.

i will wake up happy everyday

if life means waking up to see that face.

i think god is only trying to balance the universe out by making me wait, since it simply and automatically means granting me all the happiness in the world placing him near, and it will not be fair letting someone have that much joy that easily.

(i guess.)

this is how i do not mind, the one thing i truly want, i have it now. it occurs to me that it doesn't matter putting people before me, or taking things upon my shoulders, because i can afford doing so, and all i need to do is to keep going, the universe works things out for you when you worry less about your own fate. (i think.)

at the end of the day i am always thankful and happy, as life is full of grace and beautiful, and with all those lovely people life has placed around me, i really cannot complain. :)

besides all that, MGMT has taken me high tonight. i think i have developed a seriously huge crush on Andrew VanWyngarden. he makes me want to go back to being 14 again and have his name as my e-mail address instead of that nicky from westlife. (i know, ridiculous!) he makes me feel like i can stay up all night dancing to myself. (jarvis cocker did it to me.) he makes me want to have all his pictures printed out and have them covered my room's wall (like what i did with johnny depp's pictures when i was at the dorm.)

i am always a bit too much, everything i do, everyone i love. i know not how to give less, it is always either all or nothing.

once upon a time, this poem by Rod McKuen went through the pieces of my broken heart.

Where will I rediscover you
and will I?
The question sits on all the lips of those
who lie in bed alone. You is/are the name
each of us give to what we love the most
or what we have not, will not know.

And it is almost always that One, absent,
Gone, through circumstance
or happenstance.
Where did I lose you and when? Did it
Happen even as we knew we were
discovering each other that first time.
Was loss a piece of swelling
big as the enlarging heart?

Sweet basil growing greener reaches up
and through the grass like weeds.
Mallards form a rope across the sky
coming from the south in secret.
Cinnamon Teal bring up the rear.

An early thaw has made all canyons
into rivulets.
The daisies saying love me now
or love me not.
If I have thought about you more than
now it must have been some other me
living in a different heartbreak house
surrounded by some other hedge of memory.

I have been to town and back, to Greece
in dreams and in reality. To far shore,
near field, streets between and always I
have sought you out; on yellow days in
yellowed pages, through rages of the mind
and heart. I do not start out on a trip to
corner or beyond without you for you
have never left my head or would be heart.

Where will I come upon you, if I do?
Perhaps in death or life again. When?
Perhaps not ever, what then? I'll give
It another day, a week. Another month.
A lifetime more or less, then I'll give up.