2010年7月28日 星期三

moving mess.

these days i am busy packing, waiting to make a major move and unpack again.
i have been pushing myself and now i am on the edge of falling into the trap of a flu.
poor little cherry, why is life especially tough for you? but then you can't complain, because whenever a door is closed god is generous enough to leave you a window open. although i don't know if what you are moving on to is what you'd love your life to be. but god gives you the gift to be thankful always.

i don't have a religion, but my belief is strong. i will believe in every good thing in this world.

one of the most frightening fears a girl like me usually feel is the fear of going farther with him. because i cannot be sure if he will give me the future i want. i am convinced that he possibly won't. it looks like he loves me now. and he says so. but sometimes, among certain small matters, i am shocked by a sudden realization that it may not be that kind of love i have ever dreamt about.

everything with him has been too realistic. sometimes i feel like i can't handle it at all.

2010年7月18日 星期日

dear god,

my lord, i feel defeated. bad things keep happening. and i keep suffering from mistakes that i didn't make. life is horrible. i am afriad that the future will never be bright. i feel fragile. i am weak and exhausted, physically and mentally.

2010年7月17日 星期六

busy looking for a flat.

i am so tired.

nothing ever works out well enough in my world.

2010年7月16日 星期五

the color of water

sometimes it should be easier to think that love has never happened and it never will be. so it can give the strength to give every piece of it up and move on with a colorless life.

but love, such a grand word, such a grand idea, is everyone ever sings about, paints about, writes about and talks about, it's the purest and yet most feverish inspiration for each beautiful doing.

tell me how to give it up, when 90% of my heart is sure, that it is the love of my life. but then things happen, and life happens, and time happens. if it's another girl's story it may be a simple story. but it's mine,

and my life is ever difficult. and gosh i have no idea why, after having worked so much harder than most people i know, my little wishes are still remote in a realistic sense.

maybe something is never meant to be. i am the only one failing or refusing to realize the truth.

i tried my best to let go. i really did. i am miserable.

2010年7月14日 星期三

today is not my day. :/

guess i should buy some "proper" clothes for work. indeed some of my colleagues even wear t-shirts and jeans to work, so i wonder why me. i am a bit upset. so i reflected, but according to my memories, most of the days i wear one-pieces that are quite decent. and i almost always have a scarf with me. but anyways, it's no big deal except a slight cut on my dignity.

as for other things that are happening lately, i can only say

cherry be brave.

a friend told me that

it's more important to be honest than to be loved.

i hate how i am not being honest with myself lately. honesty was once so important to me. it was the thing that saved me from heartaches and disappointments. without honesty i am nothing, i can't even be able to live up to my guts.

i want a lot more than what i have, or a bit less; late night slow walks by the beach; holding hands in central; O'McDonald in two languages; witty conversations over drinks; secrets to be told; stories to be heard; butterflies in my stomach. i want my muse, the urge to write love letters and sing to each ballad.

i don't want to lose myself. i used to love me so much.

2010年7月11日 星期日

it looks like you love me.

but do you, really?
i am too old to take risks.
i know, twenty-three, i am dramatic
but isn't that what
love is supposed to be?

it looks like you love me.
but don't you, really,
if you miss me, only
when days are quiet and you are lonely.

do you love me, really?
three six three, truly, madly, deeply.

2010年7月10日 星期六

i used to stay up all night waiting,

because i kind of knew, that if i were patient enough, my patience would pay off. so i spent most of my days writing, probably for the same thing, over and over again, i buried my silly little wishes under pages and pages of nothingness. when my writing is done, some days are gone. but the waiting continues after what we thought looked like a full-stop.

on the path of life, we want mostly only ways, ways in, ways out, ways to go. today i wonder if my way to find ways has been wrong, i wonder if by endlessly wandering i may really get lost, but i thought it would take only just a little bit more time if i were to keep on walking, and that each walk would be worthwhile if i would keep my eyes open wide.

getting lost is an idea that exists for those who have a destination, not for those who want a journey.

so here we go again.

2010年7月8日 星期四

when life dissolves into words,

my tone is always kind of sad, because to write is to dig a road right to the heart, to spread the wounds and examine its bits. the world needs to be quiet enough.

sometimes life is about memories.

it's stupid to get drunk without a lover. i once thought it would be the same as i thought the fun merely came from getting drunk.

but it indeed came from the lover.

troublesome old company

it has been two years since our last farewell.

i thought i could write you something beautiful, but nothing i write tonight seems to be good enough for you, or what i feel inside.

here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life


i love you, dad. you are always in my heart.

2010年7月6日 星期二

i miss him so much that it hurts.

nightmares have become my sleeping buddies.

last night i dreamt that he was alive, and i woke up feeling glad that he wasn't anymore. life has become scary, i thought to myself that he was lucky enough not to suffer more.

when i was on the train, i started to think about things that can possibly break my heart.

gosh, there are so many more still.

i just wish each walk is worth the while.