and writing helps.

because it seems to be gone now. the mysterious figure that has been haunting me for a few days. i guess it is because i wrote it out.

maybe i really am superstitious. but i still believe that it's a good thing to pick up little signs in life, as each of us is a part of the universe. we interact closely with everything. everything is here to, well, make things happen (i think i said it too many times already.)

some people try to convince others that human beings are small, and the world does not spin around one person. indeed, i think the world spins around each person. with each person being the center of the universe. we are as important as we can be, and will be.

where does that come from?

i still remember how i lost my grandaunt in march, 2009. that morning my bracelet fell apart on its own and its beads scattered everywhere. immediately i had a bad feeling. that afternoon i got the news that my grandaunt had had a horrible car accident and passed away.

i think the universe works in a mysterious way. and god is too much to be interpreted by human logics. thus, love has become my one and only faith.

don't think, just feel.

what if?

what if i am going to die soon? this thought has tingled up in me for almost 2 days or 3. the idea of my own death has built itself within me. usually i would avoid thinking this way. but what if? i know how horrible the combination of "what" and "if" can be. it will soon wear me out.

it began one night when i was on the minibus home. when the minibus passed by the sidewalk i thought i saw someone in a black capote looking at me, i couldn't see his face though. at that moment i thought it was merely the shadows of the trees. so i ignored it.

but for 2 days or 3 it seems to haunt me. maybe it's not really like haunting...? i don't know. i feel its presence few times a day. i would have named it (i tried to) like loneliness or depression, as what i read from eat pray love, but the fact is i don't feel lonely or depressed. not so strongly. i wonder if it's my angel. someone here to protect me. but what if it's someone to take me away from all my earthly love? what if?

so i panic secretly. the possibility of my own death at an age so young chills my bones. i have too much love and too much responsibility. i can't be dead yet. my brother and sister haven't graduated yet. and i haven't been able to give my mom a carefree life. my nephews are still babies. i haven't even started the pursuit of my own dreams. my friends need me. there is a boy out there who may want me as a bride. i can't leave my dog lonely. there are still pimples on my face. my hair is still short. there is too much of the worldly beauty i haven't seen yet.

today i was so tired. after something like 100 phone calls in 2 hours (non-stop) i went home and fell into sleep right away. i dreamt of my dad. told him that we should go home together, but he waved me away, telling me to go first. i woke up and tell mom about it. she said, "luckily."

i hope everything will be fine and i am just imagining signs for having been too tired. life may be exhausting right now. but i am always looking forward to all the beautiful things that may happen in the future. i wish death would stay away. and sickness, too please stay far away from us. and sadness, and madness, and lovelessness, please all stay far, far away.

because you live

have you ever once thought to yourself that you do not deserve to be loved? i guess at times we can be weak. human beings. blah, blah, blah.

i understand and believe that the ultimate goal in life is to strike a balance between every pair of binary oppositions. but most of us only fall into extremes, that's why it's ever so hard to live a balanced life. it is merely impossible. everything can be too much too easily. (even money, even love.)

my dad had a saying (yes he had quite a lot of sayings,) in chinese it's "發到唔清唔楚", if i am to translate it, it should be "too rich that everything becomes unclear." from him i have learnt that what often happens in life is how we never miss the water until it's gone as it is too easy to be overwhelmed by its "muchness" that our eyes are flooded. Thus our visions blur.

what does it have to do with not feeling like you deserve to be loved? i simply wrote 2 paragraphs of irrelevance. i think i just want to tell myself that, i love you. even when i think i don't i still do. my life evolves around you and you are the center of my universe. you make everything worthwhile, impossibilities possible simply by taking the chance to believe in something magical. i love you not because you have done good. i love you because you live, you are here, and you are always with me.

my eyelashes

i heard that the most common questions to start a conversation are

1. where are you from?
2. what do you do?

but the question that i get asked most frequently is

1. are your eyelashes real?

yes. they are real. they are possibly one of the most precious features i have, a superficial part of me that i am not shameful to be proud of. when my boyfriend caresses them i feel like i am the dearest little thing in the universe.

yet i am afraid they are no longer as lovely as they once were.

"i love you"

how many times do we try to tell someone these 3 words, 8 letters, hesitate and then retreat? i said "i love you" too many times in all kinds of manners but it still happened to me a lot. sometimes i wanted to say "i love you" but simply could not. something held me back. was i not sure of how i felt? of course not. was i afraid of not receiving an "i love you" back? that could not be true either. who says we are only allowed to love someone who loves us back? that would be ridiculous. for love to happen, someone has to be the first.

but i am superstitious. just like how i would never go to too many job interviews at once because i am afraid of scattering my good luck and the little bit of good luck everywhere could not be enough to make things happen. maybe i secretly believe that "i love you" can't be said too many times or it will become cliche-like, thus meaningless. or you wouldn't even take it as something serious.

but i love you. at 12:50am i typed the text and deleted it. although after all these months i thought i could tell you anything, sometimes my neck is still tough for no reasons.

i slept all day and did nothing.

when my eye lids couldn't help themselves, my mind told me that it was ok to sleep. it told me that whatever i wanted to get done could too be done in my dreams. so shamelessly i fell asleep. when i woke up it was already half past 9. sunday has gone.

tomorrow i will have to be extremely focused at work. there are two minutes to be done. i really hate drafting minutes. i tried every possible way to avoid it. but i can't anymore. suck it up cherry! suck it up! for salary's sake. :/

today may and i talked about our dream jobs. we are two lazy ladies working hard now. my dream is to be a fabulous art girl without money worries. but for that to happen, i still have years to wait. i want to work in something charitable (or at least helpful) that is related to art. or simply make art accessible to everybody (especially the younger generations.) i hate how people try to keep art high. it's not important for art to be high, art should be as low as possible, as long as it can nurture the hearts of people into something more decent and noble.

so many empty souls out there these days. my father used to have a saying, "my children have their hearts full." after years i have finally understood what he meant. we have been spiritually well-fed. and that's probably the most important thing for a person to live a meaningful life.

we would hit the town on friday night

and stay in bed until sunday.

last week was flooded by the mid-autumn holiday mood. this coming week will have to be a hardworking one to get all my unfinished tasks done.

had a nice dinner last night. we went to the Greek Bar in soho. the food was great. i had a lemoncello which has now become my favourite. plus a singapore sling.

leap year

in chinese we call it 閏年, a year in which there is a 29th day in february, it happens once every 4 years. the movie "leap year" says the 29th of february is the only day on which a girl can propose to a guy. and immediately he will say yes.

so the next leap year is 2012. will i get married when i have just turned 25? i will at least love the celebrations. something lovely to toast for, all night long.

千里共嬋娟

two more chick flicks for the day. it's an awful feeling having no dates on mid-autumn. i thought it would not matter. but it somehow did matter. because i have really loved this one day of a year. and it was even worse when your boyfriend asked you out twice and canceled on you once and again on that particular day. i wish he never did try to ask me out. i tried not to let it affect me but it did. maybe i am superstitious. (of course i am. i believe in luck and signs and everything magical.) and being canceled twice on mid-autumn festival gave me a bad feeling. it is supposed to be a day of union.

and who listened to all my stupid mid-autumn stories?

to autumn

season of mists and mellow fruifulness

close bosom-friend of the maturing sun

the mid-autumn is my favourite festival of a year, alongside midsummer's eve (though we only get that celebrated in shakespeare's.) not christmas, not new year, not even valentine's day or my own birthday. i would say it's the most romantic day ever, when the moon is the roundest, the brightest, and everywhere you see lanterns and candles and lights in an easy manner.

autumn is simply golden. like sunset.

oh and daddy loves mooncakes.

百歲光陰一夢蝶。每逢佳節倍思親。欲說還休，欲說還休，卻道天涼好個秋。

and all the daughters of the year shall dance.

letters to juliet.

the amazing thing about movies is that each movie is based on one philosophy, it imitates life, but it's not exactly like life. like letters to juliet, how romantic the whole thing is, and charlie is incredibly hot and handsome and funny and cute and adorable (and i am obviously acting like a teenager now.) i am surprised, having noticed that the movie believes in true love as a once in a life time thing, which is forever true and never too late. how can anyone be so sure? sometimes i wish i could live my life like that, to base my whole life on just one faith, and to have something to tell myself for sure. but i couldn't. and i don't.

i think i am not brave enough. that's why i don't just have one favourite. not just one best friend. not a religion. not one major. not one alarm clock. never a single job alone. i am way too insecured and i can't trust myself. i don't have just one dream. and i don't live in just one world. i have to have two for everything (if i can.) but it's not like having the other one as a backup. both have to be equally important.

i know it cannot go on forever. eventually it is going to tear me apart. a part of me would like to stay where i am and do what i do. because i am good at it and i love it. it makes me feel safe. i am pretty much attached to this life that i've found. did i find it? did it find me? or maybe it's a life i built. indeed, i worked so hard for it. it was nothing like a smile and a blink and magic happens. it was all hard work, and it still is.

but then there are these moments when i just simply dream away and ask myself "what if"? what if life is something bigger? my boyfriend said the pursuit of happiness is a never-ending quest. that if we are to seek we will always be able to find something better. and that will be tiring and meaningless and time-wasting and never enough. so he's happy with me. satisfied. because he knows what he wants and i am here.

the realistic part of me knows what i want. i am satisfied. all that i have prayed for when i was 17 is the life i live now. but the romantic part of me is being constantly stupid and completely insane. how many friday nights can i have? for how many times can i see the sunset? where is the bud of the bud of the tree called life?

sometimes i think to myself that i would already be lucky enough if i would be loved for how i truly am.

why do people murder relationships?

although i pretty much agree that if love doesn't end as you wish and you can't seem to move on, it seems reasonable to start hating your ex-boyfriend a little bit. so you don't, like what's said in 500 days of summer, think only of the good times and make it hard to move on.

to me, moving on is different from letting go. i don't ever want to let go. can't we keep that person and whatever that we had experienced together in life as a part of us forever? can't we smile about all that had happened and still feel happy for having once found someone who was able to stir your stomach and make all those butterflies flap wings? it was a part of my life. i spent my time on it. it is too cruel to dig it out and throw it away.

every boy i loved, or loved me (probably not many,) is considered as one of the angels who god had sent to me. although i, too, as a human being, or worse, as a woman, would hate a bit at the very beginning, for them not having made the efforts to stick around long enough for me to stop aching so much each time we broke up. but my magic to recovery involves 3 days of crying and a new eye-candy. life is too short. if i don't live now i might not be able to live anymore. although some say that true love is worth a lifetime of waiting. that's probably why i still want to get married as a virgin. for that silly little wish i still want to believe in.

but of course it is only me. my way to deal with things isn't applicable to everybody. we have different experiences in life, and not one person can understand completely what the other person is going through in his/her heart on his/her mind. as for me, it's an old story, having seen the death of my dearest troublesome old company. it was too much that it changed a lot of me towards life.

is reality really more important than happiness? one day we will all realize that none of it is ever real, except the feelings you feel. everything lies, or everything can be a lie. i'd rather be happy. if he says he loves me, he at least means it the moment he says it. in that particular frozen period of time.

shall i compare thee to a summer's day?

i have almost forgotten one of my favourites. sonnet 18 of shakespeare.


thou art more lovely and more temperate.

it will soon be mid-autumn.

this year i own a roof that allow me to see the brightest, roundest moon ever.

a nice weekend

pretty dresses and mexican food, tea in the rain, sunset afterward, and the almost full moon.

december love (for one of the sweetest girls i know.)

hello sweet stranger
my one year, eight months, seventeen days,
first date on december's last day.

it may fall, the ceiling, any minute now
so heavy, the sound of silence
weights. i could have swallowed my pride

and called you up. it would have been
your light gold darling on the highway
and my hand in yours. i'd say

it could have hurt better, your embrace
if honesty matters, smile your smile, and
break me with your arms.

it's an art thing.

like magic. like love at first sight. all those butterflies in your stomach. it's just that one thing fine arts do to your veins that boils your blood and makes you fluffy, dreamy, dramatic, ridiculous. like during a low fever or having downed 3 tequilas, the world spins, you can't walk straight but you don't care because you are happy and everywhere you turn you see beauty surrounded by a big bright sky. all stars.

it's like the first time a baby tastes sugar, and the taste stays in its blood and becomes its sweet desire. the colorful, wonderful bits. like candies.

all that glamour.

i won't know what to do if i can't be an art girl. finally i understand, my soulmate could be munch's madonna.

my eyesights have been worse lately. it's taking me longer than ever to identify which minibus to get on. :/ i should probably stay away from the computer.

lovesick melody

and so he wanted me back. and so we're trying to make it work again. and i still have no idea how to be a girlfriend. sometimes i think my writings ruined my relationships. indeed, my words carry too much pressure. they are always demanding. because they have dug a way out of my heart's deepest depth, and it must be scary to walk all the bloody way back there. some boys can't take it. it is simply too much.

boys want everything light and sweet, like a feather or a kiss. but i write love poems. or when i am sad i write long proses of agonies. i am too much of a crazy person. everything about me is too much. too much.

but what am i supposed to do? this is the only thing i am truly good at. this is the only thing to ever make me feel truly happy, like i am someone. you know, unique and complete, somehow special. and honest.

otherwise i am just a small potato in a big big world.

不在乎天長地久，只在乎風花雪月

這兩天的心情和經歷，都像是在玩過山車一樣，令本人很有年少輕狂的感覺。

失戀最怕甚麼？怕吃不下、睡不著、沒有精神上班、沒有幹勁工作、想哭但哭不出來，或是在最不適合的情況哭了出來。不過說到底，以上種種都會導致媽咪擔心，因此都是不應該的。

到底是一個本來說要與你長相廝守的人，突然有興趣和你做好朋友，還是一個本來選擇了做你好朋友的人，突然有興趣和你長相廝守比較震撼？

情況就好像跌了百七萬六合彩一樣，完全不知道為何現實可以這樣具戲劇性。

日子很快又會回到平靜，不過在這之前我還想痛痛快快地感受一下這些異樣的情感衝激。


這兩天媽咪感冒了，希望可以快些好返吧。 :(

it feels like someone has offered me a thousand kisses.

everything is so wonderful all of a sudden.

on the edge of love

she dances in stares
a step closer takes a step away
farther, the someone else invades

she sinks, with words, and sings
with wounds, signs and seals
blood in the rain,

love in the wartime bed
eyes on the silver curtain,
dreams of the baby blue

she leaves and so between
tipsy bites and cigarettes.

Dear Dad,

It has been long since our last talk. Today I am brokenhearted again. My heart and my soul contradict each other. Someone has dug a road all the way down to my bones and left. 9 months could not survive much. I think it is harder this time because it is not like he’s in Europe and I’m in HK. And it’s not like two people not loving each other. But no matter what it is like now, it is all over.

Breakup is like a disease. Everytime my friends break up with their boyfriends I get this feeling that “oh no I am next.” My instinct cannot be wrong. Maybe it’s because I can too easily relate to others’ misery. Thanks to the mistake of empathy.

I am glad that you’ve never met any of the boys I have dated. Because at the end of the day none of them really loved me, if it was true love it would have survived impossible strikes and made beautiful things happen, like how you and Mom had lasted.

So I prayed to God, for the strength to be strong and the bravery to be, again, alone. Life is too important, time too precious. I am the one to support too many. There is no way I cannot make it.

Because I have lost you already. It was the toughest lesson ever to be learnt. Yet it is ever useful, because nothing can really crush me afterwards.

On days like this I miss you very, very much.

xoxo

i can only write well

when i am too much in love, or when heartbreaks happen. i wonder why it is always so hard, to make it work or call it quit. i have waited all day today for a kiss that will never happen. i find it so romantic to the extent that it breaks my heart.

i wonder if autumn ever happens.

perfect sunday

having waited a whole day, for a kiss that will never happen.

6700 times of lightnings (the poem)

photo by celement wong



it could be the end of the world - that was
my second thought, and you, my third.

the first thought that came into mind,
was how there would be glass.

some relationships are merely destined,
they survive impossible strikes and linger on

in the form of a beautiful outcome.
and so i thought, be my lightning, my darling

the once in a lifetime chance
in 6700 times, if the world would end in such sublime.

你還愛看嗎？

看見某些電視節目長做長有，不知是應該感嘆香港觀眾質素低落，還是大眾媒體自甘墮落。尤其是看見那些積極參與此類節目的女士，不禁會疑惑，她們到底有多享受被侮辱？(或自取其辱？)

我不敢說tvb的這些節目意淫，因為可能是我本人「心邪」，才聯想到這些「衰野」。

當年受歡迎的「美x廚房」，接一句「食左先講」，一群青春少艾打扮性感，隨歌起舞，最吊詭的是她們都以食物為名，被「物化」了，喜歡吃女人的男人，那會不喜歡吃得下的女人，遺憾是這些女孩子，還有那些坐在電視旁邊的女性觀眾，毫不介意一個星期至少被吃幾次，還看得津津有味的。說真的，一樽鹽真的不值多少錢，電視內的蝦蛟燒買只想出位、出鏡，電視外的要得啖笑，不需要用腦，就最好了。

不過「美x廚房」早已是煮成熟飯的生米，甚麼浪費食物啊、意識不良啊，講了都沒人會理。

然後風繼續吹......

近期，「超級無x獎門人」出現了「壓波」遊戲，幾個人抬起一個人，把他/她的身體壓在汽球上，汽球破了就嬴...... 那些參賽的女士就那樣用自己的胸部拚命擠壓汽球。我想知，如果她們並非身處電視節目，如果曾先生不是節目主持人，而他要求她們用自己的胸部擠壓汽球，是否已構成性騷擾或非禮？是不是在公眾見證下，與眾同樂，就可以肆無忌憚、為所欲為？親愛的女讀者，如果有個(非你男友老公愛人的)男人拿一個汽球，叫你以胸部壓破它，你會否欣然接受，還七情上面表演個夠？

香港的小孩子看這些東西長大，也許證明了這個世界上沒有免費午餐，免費的都在堆填區，當午餐吃會吃壞人。(難道tvb的選址是給觀眾的警示？)

這些超級無敵的節目周而復始地上演，這個社會到底有沒有進步過？

you wouldn't know

how tired i am of myself writing about how tired i am. i hate the fact that i am always tired, but there seems to be nothing i can do about it yet, except sucking it up, swallowing it down and digesting it through writing. sometimes i thank God, for at least i love writing, it helps me cry but also stops me from crying too much.

there are some fears in my heart that chill my guts. i am so careful because i am scared. i apologize to people who aren't fair to me because i have lost the power to fight, i am sure that i have got the right, but it is too pricey.

words are my little swallows, the happy prince, too, is more than just a statue.

Fantine haunts me. Victor Hugo surly has created one of the most powerful tragic figure. it is so strong, first she has lost her hair, and then her front teeth, at last her dignity. it is only too heartbreaking that some sacrifices seem so destined. :(

my skin is bad again, probably because of the pressure from the wonders on what the future carries.

no matter how we are, or what we have, i will always narrow us down into something funny, even though i am extremely serious, i do that to make me light enough, so to wander on.

i have to admit that i don't enjoy watching FULL minibuses pass me by, especially after i have made the efforts to walk such a long way. it is wearing me out. i wish i can afford a car. i live so far away, from most things or people i love, yet it is the only good place i can afford.

maybe God is just trying to give me what i don't have, namely patience and being on time. :)

6700 times of lightning

it has been a while since i last visited LKF, still it used to be a lot more fun there. tonight i realized that Hong Kong Brew House was already closed down. i guess everything changes fast in this city. my city. i wonder if every one of my favourite places will soon disappear.

stormy weather came without notice, or was it me who was too engaged with what i was doing to notice it? and then when i got home i read from Yahoo! news that it has been 6700 times of lightning tonight. at first i wonder if it would be the end of the world. what makes god so angry? but then sincerely speaking it's a little bit too romantic. i wish my lover were here. it must be more than 6700 times now. i hope someone is counting, or something.

on the minibus i suddenly realize how i have been waiting all my life, even though i have been living like i can't wait. my waiting is somehow an endless journey. when i was a little girl i never had to wait, my parents would give me whatever i wanted. their philosophy is simple: parents should give the kids whatever they want when they are still young, as when they grow up, they will have to face a version of life that can be difficult, and by that time the memory of a fulfilled and happy childhood would be useful. indeed, at my most difficult times i would be able to tell myself how i used to have all that i wanted, and i have such strong belief in happiness as i know it surly does exist. i lived it once.

greed is not my thing, except for that extra extra extra caramel saurce on my vanilla latte. as i grow up, a mysterious voice appears inside my head, reminding me to only ask for what i really need, to my parents that voice is called understanding and decency, and to others i think that voice is named dignity.

and back to my story of having to wait so long, and longer still.

as i am very sleepy i have to finish it in short. i know it's all about waiting, although i am impatient and i grab chances and dive into things. but the truth is, there is a piece of cake that i can be the first to taste. but after one creamy bite god decides to freeze it in the fridge.

i am waiting. for things to be bright. for my youth to stop wasting itself. for a boy to know my worth (as more than he would give.)

and now i am super sleepy.

哀悼青春

我的靈魂很寂寞。

墨音說：80s, we can't stop doing something.

今天的思緒還是有點混亂，我覺得近來我在做的事情，已經慢慢令我離開了20多歲的階梯，可能因為我總是很累，而要做的「正經事」總是沒完沒了，亦也許因為我在過著正常人的生活，上班、下班，而星期六、日也沒有自己的時間，自己的時間逼不得已都用來睡覺了，因為我總是很累。

我的年少輕狂不是要去花天酒地、瘋狂跳舞，那些只是花絮，還是過眼雲煙，不過我的年少輕狂也不可能是永遠假設日子有未來，然後把一切來自青春的悸動、脈搏裡的慾望留到明天，每次當我帶著滿滿一腦子的靈思躺在床上，累得沒法爬起來寫的時候，就覺得痛苦。

我最奢侈的希望，只是在靈思湧現的時候可以靜靜的坐下來盡情也忘情地寫作。

當然，也有奢侈一點的，也就是閒來可以逛展覽、在荷里活道流連忘返，從薄扶林散步到中環，在海旁喝咖啡、看日落、看一本好書。原來我想要做的東西都不花錢，可是為甚麼我就是沒有那個精力、時間和機會...... :(

there is a difference between a daydreamer and a nightdreamer, a daydreamer makes dreams happen while a nightdreamer's dreams stay in the dark.

朋友提出想要和需要的問題, 如果一個人分不清想要和需要, 未免也就太悲哀了。

我想我想要的其實都是我需要的，曾經想要一隻戒指, 不在乎價值, 就算值$10也好, 我只需要那份浪漫以外的一份肯定，跳傘時候一個小小的落腳點; 今日我好想要一本書, 也許還想要一本畫冊, 因為我的靈魂那麼寂寞, 它需要被滋養。

我發現自己很掛念理察教授, 我青春裡最輕狂的時候, 也許就是那個寫詩等如「正經事」, 而花上小時去討論一個不存在的現實也是理所當然的時候，那樣的青春多麼美好, 可以活在當下是那麼逍遙。

但願我可以找回那些掉落的青春。

today i planned to sit here and write......

but somehow i wasted all my time in front of that little box generating light and sounds, we call that a television. these days a lot is going on my mind, over and over again. i am freaking out inside. i am so scared of life, like i mentioned before, the deaths that come with it are haunting me. i cannot imagine death itself. i have seen it, right upon my father's bed, and then he died, i remember myself shaking insanely at the arrival of its approach. maybe i am affected because diasaters are everywhere in this world now. nowhere seems to be safe enough. the headlines are occupied by either deadly incidents or record-breaking properties. a house no longer means a home, at least not to our society. i am going to go with the flow, not knowing where my thoughts will take me. i have farther trapped myself, but maybe this time, more happily. because finally, there is someone for me. always near. i have to sleep now, can't continue writing no more. hate having to get up so early. but i love my job. i just wish to stay within the art sphere, in any lovely and possible ways. autumn is coming. summer has passed. i wonder what i have done in the past few months, not much indeed. each year i wait for summer so longingly, i miss may once it has passed. how i miss the may day flowers.