one more thing.

i am terribly scared indeed. you see, there are boys you can walk away from, by going to another planet, deleting their phone numbers, blocking them on facebook and removing all of the things that remind you of them. there are bad things to think about, things that make you want to forget them, things that make you feel like you have to try being nice to yourself by walking away from them or everything about you will simply end up pathetic.

but then there is this one boy - there has been this one boy, no matter how far you go you are always with him metaphysically. this is what makes it really scary - because now no matter how far you go you know you won't be able to leave him - because no distance, no time, no nothing matters anymore. he is a seed i planted in my heart, the roots have become tough enough to wrap around my tiny little organ pumping blood, one that decides the functioning of a whole lot of me.

i don't really know how to keep a relationship, i guess i mostly act on my impulse and go with the flow, like sending over silly little things or risky little messages. but i know it just goes on naturally, since this missing and longing simply cling to me. there is nothing i can do. sometimes i try to think about the bad things that hurt me, but the good things always win, i can even know for sure that when we are sweet we are the sweetest - such sweetness has taken over me.