2015年12月11日 星期五

a part of me has given up.

maybe it's me. you know. maybe i am the reason why i am so awfully alone. maybe i am supposed to be like this. a part of me has given up on making efforts to build bridges. i don't want to connect anymore. i don't need the connection. let it be.

i just need to find a way to get out of this depression and move on with my life. it's about me and my life afterall. it doesn't concern anyone else besides my family. and my family is the reason why i need to be strong.

now that sasa is not here. i keep returning to the same corners where she used to sit or sleep or wander. of course, the apartment is so small. and she was everywhere. she would be next to my bed, near the table, in her room, by the stairs, in the bathroom, on the sofa, outside the kitchen... i miss her so much there is no way to explain this sadness. everytime i think of her it is like someone stabbing right into my heart.

she was always here. and now she is gone for good.

i tried to tell myself that life had to end somewhere anyways but it didn't help. maybe when we are dead we forget about everything and what we have or have not done doesn't matter anymore because we won't know or feel anything about this life anymore.

maybe.

2015年11月30日 星期一

how i feel

i don't know how i feel exactly, but my feelings are vivid. surrounding me is an airy presence of emptiness and loneliness. i want to talk about it but i am tired of people not being able to understand. my world has narrowed itself down to my very own existence. for the first time i realize that i am kind of friendless.


my loss

it was my gain. and it is now my loss. the 15 years together have been a true blessing. the unconditional love, the precious company, and the total trust and loyalty.

my graceful sasa. our loving baby sister.

sunday was her funeral. she slept so sweetly in her casket. we took her ashes, rowed to the sea, and let her go.

run now, sasa, be free, enjoy.

you will always be a wonder to me. your grace i will keep, as a treasured part of my being.

i love you.

2015年11月24日 星期二

12.2000-22.11.2015

my graceful sasa passed away. this heartache won't go away and I have no idea how to make life not empty again. she was the toughest and the coolest she fought it till the end. I love her so much I hope she will come see me in my dreams tonight. I am grateful for the 15 years together and I wish so much to hug her and see her again. I think a part of me is dying. The whole family misses her. Mom keeps forgetting that she is gone... It's too sad...

2015年7月19日 星期日

the melancholic poetess

the very sad truth is that, i am only inspired to write when i am sad. i had been extremely happy in the past few weeks, just like every single time before, as long as i am with him i am automatically filled up with joy. but then i couldn't write. i was too busy to live.

so, as usual, time flies. 21 days flashed by. we didn't do much. but that is exactly what i love about us. i love our natural, down to earth togetherness.

fatter det nu.


2015年5月24日 星期日

Detox Days

I haven't been updating my detox diary because I basically have been having the same food everyday when I am detoxing i.e. yogurt for breakfast and salad for lunch. And few times a week in the past two weeks I was brought to lunch by my boss with clients, and there was nothing detoxing in those luncheons. And I don't feel like keeping records of all the interruptions I got.

However, my major progress is that I have become highly aware of what I eat, and that I have grown to love eating vegetables and I am also much more energetic than I used to be. I managed to be at work early i.e. arriving at 9am (workhing hours start at 9:30am) most days in the past two weeks. To me that is the greatest benefit of having decided to adjust my lifestyle.

But being at work early doesn't mean you get to leave work on time. No. If you are a Hongkonger you probably know. My office hours ended at 11pm last friday.

Yesterday morning I woke up at 8:30am to take Sasa to the vet. She hasn't been at her best health and so we are taking extra good care of her lately. And unfortunately she seems to have twisted her ankle yesterday afternoon -- clumsy old lady! So we spent the whole day taking care of her today.

And of course, there is work that I have brought home from the office -- I just got a part of it done, and that's why I am taking the opportunity to blog at 1am.

Everyday I remind myself that: if I were in my deathbed I would be regretting all the hours I spent in my office.

I just want to be with the people I love, and that is why I work so hard, so I can keep everything in place, but what's the point if I trade all my time with them away?

There are other aspects of life that need detoxing.

2015年5月11日 星期一

Detox Day 6

Yesterday morning I started with a plain yogurt with cucumbers and tomatoes again. It tastes so good I can eat it everyday.

At lunch I had a green apple chicken salad. That's a big box of veggie and it felt great knowing that I was eating healthy.

When I arrived home at night I was so cold and hungry and mom made fish that tasted like heaven so I devoured a bowl of rice with it.

And then I passed out. It was probably because I woke up at 6ish am to go to work.

It was horrible because I fell asleep without brushing my teeth and I dreamt that I had a rotten tooth and I could not find a dentist to help me.



Of course I had to make a dream like that.

2015年5月10日 星期日

Detox Day 5: The beginner's body

I am starting to seriously consider changing this diary's title from Detox Day to Detox Failure. But anyways, let's try to see where the beginner's body is going.

Yesterday morning I woke up, drank apple vinegar, and ate a bowl of plain yogurt with cucumbers and tomatoes. Delicious! Indian style. 2 hours later I devoured a mango. And 2 hours after that, my mom made fish cakes.

Thai style fabulous fish cakes made from fresh fish!!!!!!!!

I finished the whole plate. :S And then I felt so tired I had to take a nap -- probably because of the oil...

At night I had a big glass of 5 greens juice. I felt great actually, for I rarely consume so much veggie.






2015年5月9日 星期六

Detox Day 4

Yesterday I went to see the Moomin movie with Milo and it is just such an accustomed ritual to get popcorn and cola at the cinema so I did it automatically. Bad move, I know.

And then I had a salmon salad for dinner. And a bowl of plain yogurt when I got home.

This morning I woke up and did a yogurt-honey DIY facial mask. :)



2015年5月8日 星期五

Detox Day 3

I deem yesterday as a 80% failure. I was pretty safe at the Chinese Tea House lunch and I managed to only eat the ginger pieces from the sweet and sour pork plate, lots of water spinach and a shrimp dumpling, a bowl of congee and a few small pieces of meat.

In the afternoon I ate a lemon tart (my colleague's farewell cake.) And a cup of black tea with milk.

At night it was mother's day dinner so I failed totally. I ate a bit of everything from peking duck to sweet and sour pork, drunken chicken and fried rice. Though I also ate veggie and had a bowl of soup.

:S 

And as I am typing this I am sitting at Tai Hing having rice noodles and a piece of toast.

So, I just have to start over. I will be eating only fruits and drinking 5 greens juice starting from this afternoon. I hope I can do it for 3 days.

2015年5月7日 星期四

Detox Day 2

Yesterday was not very sucessful. I had blueberry yogurt for breakfast and it was wonderful. But at lunch it became difficult as I had a lunch date with my colleagues and we went to a restaurant that offered nothing that fit my programme. So I had fish and a little bit pork, luckily my colleagues ate most of the potatoes for me. (And I managed to finish all the veggie which I usually wouldn't touch.) At night I had strawberry yogurt. It was not so easy to do so when my mom had made delicious spaghetti!

This morning I had strawberry yogurt again and the challenge will come at lunch when I have to eat with boss and clients. There is this Chinese restaurant and there is this dessert I really like and there is this boss who always remembers... :S

But you see, in the past year I had spent hkd24 on buying an airy bun with tea every morning. The bun gave me fatigue. That's why I am very happy with the yogurt I can eat, which costs less and is healthier.

*I am only minimizing my solid food intake for a week as my system needs to be cleansed. After this I will eat healthy and normal. Food is a pleasure!







2015年5月6日 星期三

Detox Day 1

Thanks to my little sis's support and encouragement, I have officially started to detox since yesterday. I was successful during breakfast and lunch, but at the company dinner it became quite difficult, luckily it was Japanese food we were having so it wasn't very heavy.

So the plan is that I increase fruit and veggie intake daily, reduce sugar consumption (in fact I have started the sugar reduction a week ago as I suspected that it was one of the reasons that made me itch all the time. And too much sugar makes you age faster!) And avoid solid food intake for a week (so when I am hungry I drink a lot of water or tea or soup or eat yogurt etc.)

I had apples for breakfast in the morning and salmon salad for lunch. A cup of holick for tea (as I was very hungry) and sushi for dinner -- all fish. A glass of apple vinegar before bed and another glass at 7am this morning (that is when I start to wake up.)

I feel better already. :)


2015年5月2日 星期六

i am ageing! :O

it has become really obvious this weekend that i am ageing. despite the fact that i still look, dress and act younger than 28, i noticed today when i looked into the mirror after shower that there are wrinkles on my stomach area!

oh dear.

i spent all my time working so hard and now when i finally have some holidays i am confronted by the fact that i am already old.

yes, i am whining. 

and so i hurried up to put on mosturizer and olive oil on the "affected area" and drink a glass of vitamin C. 

that's the result of being a low-maintenance person for 20 years. now i only hope that it is not too late for me to start maintaining myself. :'( 

2015年3月15日 星期日

there is no door to my grief

i have decided to write it here, as i know you always read my blogs, and you are a constant supporter of my writing dreams. i could hardly sleep last night, all my dreams were feverish. i could hardly mourn in a decent way, there was no way for me to get to you, and there is no door to my grief. i wonder what happened and why, on which day and at what time, i am not sure i can ever get over it. it is my loss indeed, too swift and too sudden. i remember the nights we spent talking and talking about the many problems and feelings we had. the isolation we had to fight against. i remember our trip in bangkok, the way we ran into your stupid schoolmates at siam square. i loathed them. and i loathe them still. i remember us at angela's wedding party, the stupid thing we said about pigs and wolves. i remember your down feather jacket, the one that i always forgot to return and the one that i always forgot that i had returned. i remember you as a happy girl, even when you were sad your smiles were always beautiful.

i remember the day we met in our school's classroom. the fact that you knew my elder sister before me. it breaks my heart that we have been forced to part. i should have remembered our date on 20 november, and now i have missed it, and i have missed you forever.

i love you my dear dor, and it hurts so much that i can't hear from you again.


2015年2月24日 星期二

your smiles were the flickers of stars

your smiles were the flickers of stars
that came to me on a Tuesday night
and sailed with me through the dawn
of a Wednesday.

everyday i replay
the details of our sweetness
and the sweetness
of our togetherness.

sometimes i wish i could remember more.
i wish there were ways to trace
at what time, and on which day
that one kiss, one hug, and one touch happened.

as the stars flicker through time,
you give me my moments.
you are my sweet, my fate,
my one in a million.


2015年1月24日 星期六

pick your battles

i remember that when i was around 10 years old i got bullied this one time by a group of classmates, most of them boys, among them there was this one girl. (she always followed them around, a stupid little bitch.) as one of them dragged my hair i turned around and slapped one of the boys on his face. (he happened to be standing right behind me.) it was recess. we were all standing at the playground. time stopped for a while. most of them seemed a bit shocked. and then the school bell rang. they threatened to tell the teacher.

and two lessons passed, and school ended, and the boy said nothing. we spent the rest of the years in peace. we weren't friends. but i haven't befriended many boys in my life. i don't have many friends in my life. it's always the same people i go to, most of them girls, a few of them are really nice boys. i am a little picky about the people i spend time with.

i got bullied a few times in my life because i had dark skin and looked different from other girls. it was usually the boys, stupid, ignorant little boys. i don't think many of them have grown up to be anything attractive.

i don't really enjoy fighting with people but then there are jerks giving birth to little jerks and these little jerks grow up being adult jerks and eventually jerks show up everywhere every once in a while.

most of the time you can't do much about them. but most bullies are cowards. you either play very smart, or play very hard. and you must always pick your battles. but most importantly, as you grow older you realize that time is only counting down to death, a minute passed is a minute lost -- never waste your life on worthless people.