2010年12月29日 星期三

the 1st confrontation

by the end of 2010, i emptied the inbox of my mailbox, deleted 8700 emails, among which 4700 were unread.

i kept all the loveletters i wrote or received. i kept even most of the facebook messages.
it took me a long time to delete some of the sms(es) that should no longer matter after a relationship is gone. and i could only delete some of them, as i have the tendency to keep everything. it will take me a even longer time to get rid of this tendency. it would be nice if i had only dated one boy. diversity is nice but when memories accumulate the impact is ridiculously disasterous. sometimes i wish someone would not let me go. but he really did. and it was not my decision. there is always something i remember as a part of my youth. i love him when i take now away and enter the past. but i cannot love him now. now is what we do not have.

i haven't been fair to those who love me for real. i have never been fair. my love has made me selfish. i am in love with everything about love. the idea that we were once in love. the idea that we are still in love. the idea that we will be in love. the idea that there is always love.

i am merely 23, but sometimes it feels like a minor decision i make can already ruin everything i have built. i have come too long a way to where i am now. i feel like a 32. not knowing where to go next, worrying that if i turn right i may miss what's left, too afraid of starting over and even more afraid of not being able to start over.

have i been fair to myself?

it has been a year full of love though. i have no idea what i have done to deserve this much. but if you love me, i will love you. we must have been sort of lucky, let's make each other happy.

shut up.

cherry, shut up. why do you talk so much? don't you realise how annoying you are?

i am driving myself (and possibly some other people, too) crazy. i think too much. and i talk even more. i think i have to learn to be a bit more quiet and spend more time in silence.

or just shut up and play the piano.

by the way, what is the next song i should learn to play...?

my stomach hurts tonight.

dislike feeling unwell. :(

2010年12月28日 星期二

on loveletters

most of the loveletters i wrote, i dare not to read them again. (ok, some of them are emails, that's why i can keep reading them even after having them sent.) i think i used to keep reading them. and the stupidest thing i did was not writing them and reading them repeatedly afterwards, it was to wait for replies.

not every juliet gets a romeo. and i'm not even a juliet to begin with.

sometimes i think to myself that if there is ever a next time, i will be literally the coolest girlfriend ever, that i would not spill my heart out and be so readable. that i would be mysterious always. but then it would not be me. i am a book, afterall, although sometimes difficult, with dictionary invented it only takes some wisdom and patience to get by.

i will always be a clumsy girlfriend. (yup. so uncool.)

2010年12月22日 星期三

you give me peace.

i live in a world of artistic people at the age of 20-30 something who have already accomplished a lot. their passion for art, and love and the enjoyment of life is so vividly strong that it almost hurts my eyes. every step i take is a realisation of the tightness of time. i want to do a lot more than what i am doing.

there are two sources of exhaustion:

1. working too hard
2. boredom

it is indeed a wonderful feeling to be so into a task that you barely feel the passage of time, and your own muscles aching. but being exhausted by boredom is nothing but a sincere torture. it drives me crazy.

very few people in the universe are able to spend their life being absorbed into the tasks they are passionate for.

with the piano i play the same song over and over again, to the extent that i must have annoyed the ears of my dear family. but i cannot help it. it felt too good. likewise, with words i write about the same things repeatedly because i am pathetic enough to cling to these feelings.

without art i would have been half-dead. can you imagine living in a flat with no windows? you are in desperate need of these windows because you do not want to go out, you just really want to know what is out there, you want to feel the wind and the sun beams on your skin, even though you have ridiculously shut yourself up and closed yourself in. art gives you the windows of a flat. it opens you up, at least spiritually.

kiss me madonna. you give me peace.

2010年12月21日 星期二

我想說......

其實本人一直都對任先生沒好感,也覺得我這張不安份的嘴不應該說太多話,不過實在奇怪這件案件和阿桑奇案件怎麼莫名其妙地相似,最奇怪是為何兩位受害人都主動邀請非親人/男友/好友的男人回家?被人性侵犯/強姦的時候不拚死爭扎又要等到第二天才去報警?除非受害人與這些男人相識已久、有感情基礎、防不勝防…… 自小媽媽就教誨說要避免與男孩子共處一室,不要給別人機會做錯事,有些人以為自己不犯錯就可以了、別人做甚麼沒有所謂、別人錯是別人的事、別人虧待你也是別人的問題。

有沒有想過有些事情其實可以避免?

這是我從媽媽的教誨和中學的歷史課堂學來的,從鴉片戰爭到日本侵華的遠因、近因,都不乏中國本身的問題。邀請陌生男子回家「修理電腦」 是不是有點兒荒謬?同事教的:永遠不要以職業判斷一個人的好壞,警察、老師都有壞人,壞人都有做好事的時候,好人都有做壞事的時候,更何況是一個「維園阿哥」?

題外話:婚前性行為的普及化,就引致了很多諸如此類的問題,至少婚前性行為還未普及的時候,男人不會以為「性」是男歡女愛中理所當然的事情。

這個時候,我想quote一quote香港獨立媒體Chan Melody的一篇文章《任亮憲事件的花生倫理》 :

「事實上,社運界尤其是性/別運動圈,近年來積極開拓種種情慾論述,其一原因與社會運動向來對個體/集體自由的關懷一脈相承:乃是因為關注到,由情慾道德論述築起的圍牆,去到底還是直接束縛人的自由。以婚姻束縛情色慾望、以一對一關係去鎮壓人的多元情慾、將「好色」打為罪名以抑壓個體想像力及身體實踐,說到底就是要將個人收押在家庭機制之內、要求他遵循社會的生產道德、剝奪其探索自我/整理內在的權力和創造力,或曰將人的菱角與異端切去、以求將他填入社會期望的角色模板,確保社會順暢運作不致崩潰 ─ 這些都是社運界一直力求掙脫的枷鎖。」


下?咩話?

Chan Melody還有一篇《公/私「道德」:花生的公共意義》,不quote了。


小女的讀後感:

「道德」是束縛,「擺脫道德」會不會成為束縛?「單一」是束縛,「多元」會不會成為束縛?如何分別「民主」和「變相專制」?市民是否不應該憑個人喜惡批評一位政客?有沒有社運人士憑個人喜惡去批評政府?有沒有社運人士憑個人喜惡選擇批評政府的方法?「專制」和「民主」是不是源於個人喜惡?

純粹有些問題未解決。

2010年12月20日 星期一

there is this one thing i want to do.

i have lived with the desire for having it done for so long. months after months, days after days, it has grown on me like trees grown on soil and flowers grown on heat. here is a knot i have yet untied. i feel like a trapped animal in the zoo, living in a freedom so pretencious.

i am now twenty-three. soon i will be a year older. i wonder where and how to spend this coming birthday. i want to do it quietly. i am, indeed, afraid of my own birthday. i am afraid that twentry-four may not be a good year.

how do i make it good? what do I think?

the proceedures of thoughts give me headaches. i want a week or 10 days of vacation, hang out with some fun and cool people, have plenty of drinks, and write a lot about everything.

i want to write a lot about E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

安份守己

在冷冷的天氣 靜靜的 收埋自己
也許我要等到我三十歲 才有本事擁抱我一直渴望的自由
此刻的我決定了不要太早生孩子 我甚至沒有興趣結婚
害怕從此只能花上一輩子去 與等待困獸鬥

失去了所有及時行樂的時間和快樂 我沒有那樣的動力
這樣的天氣令我很累 只想好好的睡上一覺
我期待春天來到的時候 花兒會開
我還想看看 最燦爛的五月花
忍不住要慨嘆 在這死寂的寒冷中 我已經不漂亮
皮膚乾得發癢 頂著沒有心情梳理的一頭散髮
我甚至連妝扮的意欲也沒有

慶幸在這突然灰沉的日子 手上還捧著媽媽的熱湯
她給了我 最溫暖的所有 不論是縱容 還是遷就

2010年12月19日 星期日

最冷的冬天

我今天花了二百大元 光顧了我從來未曾光顧的作家
買來了卓韻芝的兩本奇遇記
然後用在路上的時間 把《最冷的冬天》看完了

我,十分滿足;她,值得一讚。

人生中最令人無奈又不忿氣的其中一件事情
大概就是花了兩小時,甚至更多的時間
去看一本看完也不知看了甚麼的書
情況就像不小心看了一齣鄭中基的電影一樣糟糕
平白浪費了時間 實在令人心痛 不如睡一覺還好

相反 在絕對偶然的情況下 遇上了一本好書
就像把時間連本帶利賺回來了一樣!

從前的我 也是想做就做 並全情投入去做
可是人大了就愈來愈多顧忌 當然客觀環境也帶來了很多局限
但更大的阻力 是因為有很多事情 不做更容易
不做就免了很多煩人的細節 不做就不會引起不必要的麻煩
不做就天下太平 日子也是如常地過

不過有些事情 如果不做 終於還是要後悔的
就趁青春 趁末日還沒有來到 想想想做的要怎樣做吧 -

至少我要把所有我想寫的都寫出來 -

其實拍拖最麻煩的一件事情,就是對方或多或少都會認定
你筆下的男主角只有他一個

對於像我這樣的女子來說 那實在是痛苦的
因為繆思這東西 也許來自一個人的一部份 一個小動作 一句說話
亦有可能來自很多人 當中有些甚至只有一面之緣

這個世界上 到底有沒有不花心的詩人?
我們總是那麼貪婪的想要用文字留住這世上所有觸動人心的美好

文字最神奇的地方 是它補足了現實的很多缺失
而它甚至不需要與現實有任何關係

作為一位默默無名 但依然忠誠的作家
我仍舊嚮往那樣的厚顏 有時候 寫一首情詩
沒有對象的 更不是為了甚麼人
只為了所謂的自我圓足 讓浪漫的想法有個落腳地

最後 如果有神 我希望這個世界沒有戰爭

2010年12月18日 星期六

爸爸的恤衫

偶爾在馬莎遇上了爸爸的紫色恤衫 勾起了幾乎無法自拔的思念
我永遠懷念他穿著那恤衫 高談闊論的身影

過去的多少逸事 想起也是快樂 也是心痛
事隔多年還是會傷心 會哭
因為那不單單是一種思念 還是一種長久的掛牽
假如死亡只是代表塵世以外的另一種生活 他現在過得可好?
在另外的那個世界 他是否快樂? 是否健康? 是否自由?
我遺憾我在宗教方面也是個花心的人 只要是好的 我都相信
但願人死後 能夠去到一個像天堂那樣美好的地方

我只想知道他安好 因為我已沒有照顧他的能力和機會

不去想 就不會哭
可是就是不捨得不去想他 不去念舊 因為回憶那樣珍貴
他那樣舉足輕重 我捨不得放手讓時間去淡忘所有
我寧願偶然為這回憶悲傷

某程度上 這是我自己造成的
也許 我總是在悲傷裡尋找自虐的快樂

我用這樣的方法把我的生活 - 從前也好
現在也好 還是未來 都保持鮮活

因為我也是鮮活的 活著就是不要拒絕感受 活著就是感受

2010年12月15日 星期三

活著活著

今天才突然發現自己忘記了活著要viva
活著是為了像蝴蝶來又去!

還有一個星期就步入聖誕了
希望可以過一個溫暖的聖誕節
待在家裡喝熱朱古力看聖誕電影也不錯
也許還可以去聽聽別人報佳音看看燈飾
是不是也應該打扮一下呢...? :)

近來真的發現自己身體差了很多
個個星期都感冒 穿很多衣服還是冷得發抖
要想辦法逼自己做做運動才可以啊。

我只想 身體健康

2010年12月13日 星期一

i remember myself

crying when i looked at the photos of myself as a kid. i must be sort of sentimental. but that was too much. to some extent i wish i could remember what i was thinking when those photos were taken. i remember myself hanging out with my mother all day long. she would doll me up and take me everywhere. we would play the doctor-patient game, and sometimes i pretended to be a property agent, and mom would be the client looking for a flat. my father would always buy me chocolates and take me to the park, where i could play the swing. i loved the swing. he would push me high and that was so much fun, for those moments i truly was carefree. because i knew he would catch me if i ever had to fall. it's not like i don't like to grow up, and be an adult. (although to some extent it really sucks to be an adult.) but adults get to fall in love. and stay up all night drinking, dancing, giggling, kissing. (i don't do that as often as i used to now, however.) but being a kid is one of the loveliest things in the entire universe. i will forever miss such innocence. whenever i see my baby nephew my heart feels so full. not only because he is cute, but because of the purity he brings along, he carries with him everything wonderful that belongs only to a kid. i am missing him so much again. all i can think about are his face, his smiles and the way he talks. i should go sleep now before i turn myself into crazy aunt cherry. head over heels.

2010年12月12日 星期日

終於完成了本學期最後一份功課!

其實本學期我就只有兩份功課......
不過人的天性似乎就是不願意做功課,於是一直拖
拖到死線才知要動筆

不過總算完成了!終於可以放下了這一塊壓在心頭的大石。
直至下學期又開始...... :(

其實我知道書不可以不讀,所以雖然明知下班上學會辛苦
(甚至知道這是難以負擔得起的一個消費......)
仍然一鼓作氣裁進去了
心裡總是懼怕會被社會淘汰 (眼見身邊的人的學歷愈來愈高)
不過更害怕的是我的知識和智慧終於會變成放得下但拿不起的一件事情
所以總需要甚麼來推動自己努力向上不撻皮 (哈哈! 很久沒用的term!)

而且我暗地裡覺得翻譯可以持續訓練個腦之餘又好好玩。:D

其實我愈來愈不信任這個諾貝爾獎和平獎
自從它上年給了奧巴馬之後
我已經覺得它違背了諾貝爾的原意
成為了一個見風轉舵的獎項
只在乎引人注意,不在乎實至名歸
今年也是一樣

可能很多人會不同意 (其實都肯定會有很多人不同意)
不過「民主」和「和平」其實是兩回事
有民主不等如有和平,有和平也不等如有民主
無論基於甚麼原因 出於絕對的善意也好 一旦製造了衝突 就破壞了和平
(不是說「民主」不重要 只是這也是事實)
法國大革命的三個理想是Liberty, Equality, Fraternity
沒有peace 因為在那個情況沒有可能有

這個獎項在明在暗都成為了一個政治手段
但是人不會在乎的 只要事情是站在自己那方就夠了
正如我不知在那裡聽說過
我們不是討厭不公平 只是討厭自己在這不公平中處於劣勢
你溫飽的時候 會質問這個世界上為何有人要捱凍捱餓嗎?
多數人只會在自己捱凍捱餓的時候 質問為何有人可以享受溫飽。
只要在不公平的事情上佔了上風 人就不會「嘈喧巴閉」

今天不討論誰對與不對 只想以不同的角度去想事情
這兩年的諾貝爾和平獎告訴我
一些不搞政治 但摯力為世界爭取和平的人 只能默默耕耘
沒有政治就沒有話題 沒有話題就不值一提

2010年12月9日 星期四

it's my thing.

La Pianista - Giovanni Boldini

it's been a long time since i last wrote anything here. some weeks ago i got myself a piano, and started to indulge myself in playing with it songs i did not know. my fingertips felt wonderful, i practiced everyday to the extent that i had worn myself out and fell again into traps of flu due to over-exhaustion.

last night i was playing it again, and a certain thought appeared on my mind, what if i were a pianist and i were to die at that particular moment? how could i bear the idea that i would never be able to touch the piano again? it would certainly be miserable. what if there was this one last song that i could never finish playing?

once upon a time i visualised myself being professional on piano playing, and then it was too much hard work, so i gave it up and resigned to the corner where it and i shall never matter much to each other. sometimes i envied those who could play it, and for the rest of the time i decided that it was not my thing.

but now i want it to be my thing. i've got a piano at home and i can play, whenever i am at home.

i used to say it all the time that everything i touch turns into words, like an alchemist, that's the magic of being a writer, now i wonder how wonderful it would be if everything i touch can turn into music, too.

so here it shall begin... my piano diary. :)

last night i spent some minutes watching time. art is time. everything is time. now every word here is a visualisation of time. time is ever too overwhelming. how many things can we do, with so little time? it could be the decision for a lifetime.

2010年12月4日 星期六

about the past two weeks

i have been busy planning birthday surprises. luckily everything worked out wonderfully. :)

2010年12月1日 星期三

a heart so heavy -

my heart.