winter makes me sad.

the cold weather. its faded flowers and fallen leaves.
the failing efforts to warm my feet.
it makes me tired. for i use too much of me to fight the chills.
the annoyingly wooing winds freeze each summer dream.

but one thing makes me glad.
although i am still constantly tired and flu is still a close friend of mine,
i seem to have become prettier. finally, make-up is no longer a daily necessity.
when i look into the mirror now to my natural skin, i don't find myself so ugly.

i often dream about myself living a healthy lifestyle
like waking up early and exercising on my rooftop.
but i love sleeping too much i can't help myself.

if i am your stupid girl,

would you be my stupid boy?

it's meant to be hard, honey.

i have got used to the fact that my happiness never comes easy. even if it began easily, it would eventually mean lots and lots of hard work and hearts squeezed to exhaustion.

maybe one day you will give it up. for being too tired, having too little time, realising that it is not worth the efforts, or this lady of too much imagination being too troublesome.

i sincerely wish that there is a (handsome) boy out there who is destined to fall in love with me and love me forever. i think he is you now. i once thought he was someone else.

this entry is to remind myself to never stop falling in love.

hard work is not scary. yet a loveless life is.

it's like a little hollow to me.

a tiny hide-out.
here is a place i would retreat to, when life doesn't go my way.

long distance love

i want to kiss you so much,
for hours, all night long, all the way through
december, years after years,
your cheeks, your lips, your ears
your neck, slender
like a snake, my kisses render
a meandering path. and whisper to you
my dear, words of the days of the wanting
waiting to be recovered.
the distance lies between
how i could and why i can't.

C+心事

等著等著，就忘記了要數日子。day zero，day one，來到今天。等待雖然痛苦，但當日以繼夜以繼日的期盼終於要實現的時候， 又會覺得這些日子的等待是那樣的微不足道。不過再想起，等到之後又要再等過，難免又有些難過。為甚麼人總是在分離的時候才懂得珍惜團圓？

戀愛和等待總是分不開的。小時候日等夜等，等一個人真心愛自己。談戀愛的狀態太多，暗戀、苦戀、明戀、熱戀、異地戀，曾經好幾年拒絕戀愛，再花了幾個一年半載等待一些原來只會待你好，但不會愛你的人，愛情還是沒有來，心灰意冷之後，突然又竟然不用等了，命運接二連三地安排了幾個可愛的男孩子，相愛直到發現有些距離沒法遷就。

距離就是時間吧。終究還是要等。

我並沒有所謂手到拿來的愛情，時間再短也好，也都是難得。(當然，時間更長就更難得。) 只不過我習慣把甚麼都輕描淡寫，因為那樣才浪漫，輕輕的就像水花。

lunchtime poetry

there is no other time
as idle as this moment. as fulfilled
as decent, as officially abundant.
but i sense a cold coming
my eyes are sore, my throat is not
listening. it must be a cold i caught
this morning.

i should have worn a thicker sweater. :(


i want to make an ugly chocolate cake for this typhoon day. :D

childish innocence

the purest kind of love is probably the kind of love that counts on nothing but its own being.
no talks of the future. it talks not of the past. only now. you and me and here and forever. with the happy power of my childish innocence. i loved like a lost soul. i wandered lost in love. every step of it was a dare. every dare of it was so dear. i wanted nothing out of it but love itself. i got to be no one else but me in it, myself. the only way to keep something so pure is to not keep it. let it exist outside reality. push it outside mundane necessities. only in languages i reminiscent. and i do it quietly.

typhoon, typhoon

typhoon, typhoon
coming, too soon. like a midnight lover
in late october. too harsh, too fast,
he throws rocks at my window, my curtain roars
to his hustle. it's too dark to flutter.

fallen trees block the sidewalk
in willowy talks. is there not
a feather? to eye the eye
(when the cyclone smothers the misty hot air)
of the heartlessly blind.

love and formalities

before everything begins, please be aware that according to most people i know, my logics aren't exactly the same as the majority's. (you don't have to read it, you know.)

(but you know how chaos are sometimes orders you can't recognise, and so are my logics.)

i have observed that, in modern day society, love is often represented by or linked to certain formalities. at first those formalities might appear to be some ways of expression of love. but then for some unknown reasons (probably known, but i am too tired to find out) these ways of expression have come together and build a seemingly scientific ruler for the measurement of love.

in my very personal point of view, if it is ever objective, it is no love, and love itself can never be measured or compared.

and here are the formalities people use to judge whether a love is deep, or true:

1. time (days/months/years/decades/forever)
2. result (breakup/marriage)

often people ask, "how long have you been with him?"if it's only "days/months", they comment right away, "oh it's not love yet." "how long after a breakup would you start dating again?" it is aassumed that the longer it takes, the less shallow your love is. "how long have you known this boy/girl before you fall in love?" again, it is also believed that the longer it takes, the more serious you are about your relationship, and the more likely that your relationship will last.

but that's only what they say. who are they anyway? love is art, not mathematics.

now, in my logics. time should only matter in the sense that it's proportionate to one's life. the tricky thing is, you never know how long your life will actually be. the thing that's definitely more important than time is timing. it doesn't matter how short/long your love is, but it matters whether the timing for you to love is right. cliche-wise, we know not how short/long our lives are, thus all we should do is to treasure every moment and every chance to make it beautiful and meaningful. i can't wait. not even for one more minute. i don't want to die without trying, or die regretfully.

so as long as two people are true to each other when they are in love, time does not matter.

i can believe how many people wishfully think their relationships will result in marriages. the thing i can't believe in is the fact that many of them turn love into hate and sweet memories into disasters and beauty into ugliness once they realise that some relationships may result in breakups.

breakups are definitely hard. it upsets even your organs. but if you assume that once it does not work out it means only nothing. you have, indeed, wasted your life. one of the ultimate cliches goes like this, "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." cliches are cliches because they are truths that have been told and re-told too many times. cliches are wise.

i am, afterall, happy, for having loved the ones i loved. everything was good, and everything still is. even if it is broken, it is still beautiful. i would not have changed a moment of it, even if i could.

hugo boy

two years ago on the third day of a september, he arrived at my life as god's dearest gift, that was the second month after my own father passed away. at that time, life to me was pretty much a disaster. until this little stranger came around. i didn't know how much i would love him. had no idea how much he would mean to me. but i knew already, how that big smile on his little face could once and again put my heart at ease. i named him hugo.

hugo is my baby nephew. he is one of the sweetest kids i know. yesterday he came over and we played for hours. he is such a selfless and generous kid. everything he has to drink or eat, he shares with me or others. as long as someone asks, he will always give. he smiles so much. and talks a lot. at one point i got very sick at my stomach and had to lie on my bed. he with his little hands took a blanket from the sofa and carried it all the way into my room, and then he climbed onto my bed, and covered me with it, saying that i must be cold. how sweet! how sweet! i love him so much, to the extent that my heart aches. this little darling, my hugo boy. a true angel.

i am so extremely tired tonight. but he has been on my mind all day long that i had to come home and write something about it. :) i love him so so much.

just another piece of saturday dizzy-minded soliloquy

most people may think it takes certain laziness to work for the government. according to my experience, that isn't entirely true. the truth is you can choose to work lazily almost everywhere, your boss may not notice, and if you don't mind losing your colleagues' respect. (respect is ever a hard-earned thing.) but one thing about working for the government is true: it limits your flexibility. (but sometimes in a good way.)

i have to say that the months i have spent in the arts education section have been just as rewarding as the months i spent in the gallery. it's my 7th month here to be exact. of course it's fine to work overtime when it's necessary. a normal employee will not leave without getting his/her duties for the day done. but it's certainly lame to stay around just to prove to your boss how hardworking you are. it's probably cruel, but productivity should be result-oriented. and i wonder if a person's capability is productivity-oriented. it seems to be. but still, your attitude matters most to everything. you can choose to be lazy, but it's also your life that you're lazying around. honestly i don't think i'd even go to work if i don't need to raise my family. laziness lives in my bones. i can feel it like the blood running through my body. i would have slept for long hours and written a lot about everything, or gone dating and dancing till dawn. but the sense of responsibility is just something stronger. now having a job and doing it good matter too much to me. because i can't even start to imagine how to sustain my family if i don't earn enough. even in my dreams i am still working. sometimes i secretly blame dad for not having planned better, how come he didn't see the day that once he was gone it would only be helplessness remained? but maybe he didn't even get the time to think. it was, afterall, a disastrously speedy brain tumour that caught us all unguarded. now it's my turn to be the planner.

i used to have two biggest problems that hinder my way to success, no matter in school or study or even personal matters. the first one is punctuality and the second one is carelessness. i am obsessed with working fast because the sense of speediness makes me feel extraordinary. punctuality and carelessness were not minded in the gallery, but they started to haunt me in my current job. i had no choice but started to adjust, i think i am now 85% punctual and 80% careful, though still not perfect.

everyone works for a reason, be it money, a mission, or a dream, or a combination of the three reasons mentioned, how lazy a person can get is probably decided on how strong his/her reason to come to work is. i reckon that some people in the government once had those reasons, but with the job being too stable and the salary being too good, (in cases of those who have an "iron bowl") , (and seriously they have been working for too long,) most reasons became weak and disappeared. that's one of the reasons why the bureaucracy is often attached with a certain sense of laziness. and obviously, everywhere there are some people who don't know why they are even where they are doing what they do.

so maybe it's a person's desire that determines his/her goal that determines his/her attitude then?

no matter what it's always useful to think about why you are here doing what you do. if you can't find a reason good enough you probably shouldn't be doing it.

last night i went to a classical concert with milo. seeing perry so conducting the orchestra and choir makes me think that being a conductor is certainly one of the coolest thing in the universe. awwww, why weren't i born with that talent?

day one

it has been work all day. my shoulders ache.

it took me forever to stop my heart from leaking. the hardest part is to sort out my feelings. and try not to fear. but relationship itself is fearful.

now those long distance days have come back to haunt me. it was emotionally exhausting. i was missing someone so much, and getting so little back. i was trying so hard to build bridges, yet i kept failing. if i look back on those days there was hardly any joy in it. only heartbreaks. so i convinced myself later to rewind to when and where it was all happy. but then i got myself totally stuck right there.

until, maybe, today. i realize that things can be different. it is possible that what could have been will never be. but he who loves me will make things happen. fate is a bridge you build to the one you love.

day zero

my world is so quiet. there are not any unread messages to reply. or phone calls to answer. not when my office desk is covered up by documents of different kinds. not when lunch was there, and not when office hours ended. the world turned silent when he was not around.

it's only 20 days, and i would have to let him go even if it meant longer. i never want to be a girl who pulls people back. maybe i do not have the power. but i'd rather wish my power to be a power that can lift someone up and help him/her fly. (it sounds very cliche-like though.) but i don't have that power yet, either.

i will always be the one who stays behind. it has ever been like this. with people, i make plans that may never happen. but i keep doing it. because it satisfies me already, being able to plan those plans and dream those dreams, surround myself with unlimited possibilities. reality does not matter to me unless it has to. the only times it matters to me are the times of sickness and death and bills amount to stacks. at other times i wander in a language beyond reality.

if i live my life upon ordinary logics, i would have gone mad already. because everything will then be too much to take.

am i a victim of my optimism? well at least my optimism prevents me from knowing it and feeling victimized.

reality inside language.

but "the purpose is to increase awareness of October Breast Cancer Awareness month."

maybe it's fun for women to make up a game and turn men crazy, providing the fact that it's for a number of undoubtedly good reasons. i know, sex sells, it attracts attention, but are there no other ways?

does it mean a woman's only and quickest way to success is to tempt men with sex? is it a good idea to be implemented on the minds of our next generations? where do you suggest your girls to put their self-respect and decency?

i simply don't feel comfortable with it.

the last five pages.

when we were taking dr. richards' creative writing course 2 years ago, we were told to buy a book titled "the first five pages", i have never read it because it was a tool book for those who wrote fiction, as for me, i wrote poetry.

there are only five pages left till i can finish eat pray love. but i stopped there. somehow i didn't want to know whether liz had found love. it was irrelevant. i felt kind of cruel, like a selfish bitch who cares only about taking what she needs, and drops the rest.

but i have the tendency to not see how things end. i would like to keep the ending open. and the journey is always more important. the medicine man in eat pray love tells liz that there are 7 levels up to heaven, and 7 levels down to hell. he says that heaven and hell are the same, they are both beautiful and lovely. the difference is how one gets there. the 7 levels up are all happy places, and the 7 levels down are all sorrowful. so bingo! it's the journey that matters. we are all going to end up the same, all you can do is to make your journey as happy as possible.

today i think to myself how dear sadness is. so even when i am sad, i am still happy. because my heart is not useless. it gets to feel a lot.

isn't me loud and annoying writing so much all day everyday? (well, not everyday. not during office hours at least.) even when i am not writing here i am still writing somewhere else, on any piece of paper i can find. i don't know what to do if i don't write. everything else will seem like a waste of time if i don't write something. i wish one day i will be good enough to be able to earn a living by simply writing a lot. :/

me alone with my words.

now i have all the time in the world to write. yet writing is always an emotional activity, sometimes i get too carried away by what my thoughts have generated onto the screen and cry like a baby.

10 months make up almost 5% of my life, comparing to the 2.5% before it's a double. pride is the greatest sin i have committed out of the seven. sometimes i wonder, would you still want me if you can have her? would you still want me if being with me means no future? what if we won't get married? what if i won't have kids? what if our time is limited (yes it is) and reality is meaningless? would you still be with me for the sake of being with me? i want you to think that inside your head i'm the best. but even if you said so i couldn't bring myself to believe it. would you go take a walk around the world just to prove it? i wish you had fallen in love with most girls in the entire universe already, so you know for sure that it's me who you want.

i remember myself holding my lover's hand thinking it would be the moment one day i would wake up missing, i could not stop the passage of time, had no idea how to stop life from changing. i can only try my best to make every moment count. if happiness serves no immortality, may misery too, be brief.

i think today's entry deserves a pretty illustration. so i tried to type in the key word "beauty" on yahoo photos search engine. the results are disappointing! i wonder how distorted people's views on beauty have become. or has it always been like this? or maybe it only proves how human beings can never be replaced by machines, no matter how smart a computer is it has no aesthetic sense.

i am not good at photography. instead of visual documentation i use mostly words. but i took this photo because i was amazed by how lovely the sunlight could be when it went through the windows onto my bed, and how much a blessing it was to wake up from beauty like that a while ago.

sleeping (and dreaming) is not so much a waste of time in my opinion. it can be one of the most transcendental experiences in one's life. :)

dear stranger,

tonight we had dinner at central. mexican food again. sitting next to our table was a western man at his 40s/50s, i am not good at telling age. i once thought a 30 year-old was 17. am i stupid? maybe.

so from time to time i caught him smiling a little smile at me. i didn't know why though. and ignored it. when he had paid his bill and was ready to leave, he approached me and asked if i could speak english, i said yes, and he said,

"i can't believe how much you have reminded me of my daughter, i am now going home to give her a call." and he smiled. and then he left.

my boyfriend said he was a strange man. but actually my heart started to build itself up with overwhelming warmth. maybe it's because i have always been a touchy-feely person. but it was so sweet. i wish there is something/someone somewhere to remind my own father of me somehow. sometimes i wonder if i'm already forgotten. i wonder if death really did us apart completely. how could something so strong become so weak?

but those are the things i will never know for sure.

so i am glad that, maybe my look, the way i laughed, or the way i dined gave someone the urge to call his own daughter and build bridges. it's a good thing. so good that it's almost beautiful.

i hope i can finish all the readings tomorrow.

on marriage

i once heard that either marriage or divorce is a form of escapism. i wonder how true is that. but in either way escapism would be the wrong reason to get married.

i have seen too many women ruined their lives by marrying the wrong kind of husbands. the kind of husbands that does not take the responsibility to act like one. the one who ignores the universal law of "men give, women receive." and becomes a taker taking everything for granted, except of course they give away their sperms for free.

i am waiting for a man who believes in his ability to make things happen. just like how i believe in my ability to make things happen for my little ones. every moment of it is hard-earned, and it can only be, but every moment like this is worthwhile to me. this is how i am spending my early 20s, and how i believe my late 20s will be spent. if only i am lucky, my 30s will then be a bit more lovely. and if the right one appears, it'd be almost perfect.

i do not mind waiting. the truth is i'd rather do it hopefully. or maybe it's wrong for me to ever want to get married.

i do not expect myself to want a different car each month, or a bigger house each year. i do not expect myself to be clothed in luxuries and jeweleries and carry around the kind of handbags that cost the salesperson's one month salary. i may want to travel around a bit, and write a lot, and take part in most art events going on, and spend some time on charity. i don't expect myself to be one of the mundane heads anymore. i hope i won't need to. i won't chase after (work for) money if i don't need to.

i don't know how unaffordable it makes me. i wish i can have a life like that on my own before i ever get married. i wish i will still have a reason to get married after i have made a life like that all on my own.

secretly i have never counted on anyone in the form of a male creature to bring me my happiness. but i'd like to fancy it a bit, the way i fancy a knight in a shimmering armor or a charming prince on a white horse. the happy everafter arriving long before my hair turns silver, my face wrinkle and my boobs sag (maybe they won't because they are too small.) and last forever.

i wish one day the man i shall love will want to marry me no matter what. obviously it's difficult now, these days. some women will even pay to get married. and some men don't mind.

awful reality.

so i didn't go.

of course it isn't so much a pleasure wasting money on air tickets without actually going to travel. but this morning my stomach started to ache at 6 something and lasted for some hours. it was too alarming. i knew it wouldn't mean well if i go. so i decided not to.

afterall it had ever been easy for me to just go somewhere without thinking too much, especially when i had already got the air tickets. so this time it's simply different. i know it. i feel it. yet it's hard to explain this constant bad feeling which had circled around my head for weeks.

and now the trip is off i am finally relaxed.

i am still tired. not knowing why. my eyes are exhausted. my shoulders are in pain. my chest is, too. maybe i really need this coming 3 days to take a good rest. do something enjoyable. (or finish the readings that i have tried to avoid for weeks and try to do some homework.)

to go or not to go?

this is the question.

i have never felt so threatened by a trip. it's like everything has come together for a demostration against the trip. this time i am really afraid of not being able to return home safely. it's just bangkok. i have been there too many times in my life. so why do i fear now? i wasn't even afraid of going to indian. i have bought two travel insurances already. just in case. if anything happens, i've at least got something for my little bro and little sis.

and suddenly i realize how small my family is since dad passed away. i prefer being the one whom other people count on because it's better than having to count on someone. independence feels good. in hong kong it's only a family of 4 now, plus my dog. my favourite elder sister is in america. sometimes i envy her courage to go somewhere so far away. ever since i was young i have always wanted to go somewhere. to learn a different culture and speak a different language. and write a different story.

i guess it's not my time yet.

i think it's what it's like to be the eldest one in a family. you place your family's needs before yourself. the greatest mission of my life is to nurture my little ones into their best beings. if something can wait, something is possibly mine for good. i don't want to rush for happiness all the time. such kind of happiness has only ever been short-lived.

let me whine. let me whine.

one of my greatest fears (among the million fears i have come to encounter) is the fear that i may eventually give every piece of me away and leave myself no choice. so everyday i tell myself to be more controlling. but nothing is ever under my control.

maybe it's time to say goodbye to europe for good. it's time to realize that i will never get there. it sounds as easy as an air ticket of $8000 only. i earn more than a double of that sum at the age of 23 but still, every month there is nothing left. i have been trained by the new me to think for hours before buying a dress. or else i would possibly regret for the old me being impulsive. but it's not really about me. i do not matter. me, myself, solely can survive on 10% of what i earn, no problem. the fact is god knows it too, and what god always likes to do is to maximize one's capacity. i am completely overloaded. i have been so for almost 2 years now. but god says no worries, there's space.

sometimes i despair. despite my usual efforts to cheer myself up and put worries aside. i wonder if anyone really understands what is going on in me. i am happy to be a useful person. it's my pleasure to be contributive. it makes me feel like a strong, tough woman. but it doesn't mean long hours of work and stacks of bills do not stress me out. yet there are so many needs to cater. i can't relax. i can't do it for real.

i hope i am not whining. but i can't not whine. i know i am depressing. but i am depressed. maybe it's hormones. or maybe it's just life.

i hate seeing someone who cares so little about money worry so much about money problems. i hate that person being me. and as a matter of fact i am not even greedy. i am ashamed of myself for not being able to live up to my guts and live my life as i wish. i hate the smothering clouds above my head, its never ending quest and waterpouring stress.

ok time for bed. another working day going to begin at 7am tomorrow. luckily it's still related to art or everyday would be suffocating.

today i saw a swan

or a goose? but it was too beautiful to be a goose. it was all white with a neck so slender, its feathers looked so smooth, and it could fly. i thought it must be a good sign. to see such a beauty at 7 something on a beautiful morning.

today i worked all day and went to school afterwards. having spent more than 15 hours out there, i am already completely exhausted on a monday. but i have to push myself. work harder. strive for excellence. i have nothing to count on but the future now. i wish my hard work will one day pay off. and finally there is a happy ever-after for myself and everyone i love.

once upon a time i had all the time in the world to fall in love; and once upon a time i had all the world to fall in love with. my boyfriend would hate me talking about it (blame it on my period, darling,) about all those crazy crushes i had, whoever used to make me feel alive. that was the time when i was able to write with beauty and delicacy. that was the time when i was busy wandering to get lost. life was so vivid and my heart was full of flowers.

yet love like those was pure, innocent and sweet. i lived in one daydream after another, reality did not matter. i worried about not being able to get married, or be loved truly, yet it was so romantic to have my heart broken for reasons so light and irrelevant to whatsoever.

i don't ask for much in life. i ask only for love, and freedom and beauty of the purest kind. what's the use of chasing after the mundane luxury? it is all vanity, or it will all end up as vanity. i wonder how the world operates happiness on consumption. it is so logically wrong.

when was the last time you smiled at the sparkling stars and felt your heart filled? autumn is here. i heard that this winter is going to be cold. not too cold, i hope.

eat, pray, love

Elizabeth Gilbert is hopping on my nerves (in a wondeful way.)

i am halfway through india now. will get to indonesia soon. how i fancy the life of Elizabeth Gilbert! having someone offered to pay her for travelling and writing... although she is 34 already. considering the fact that i am only 23, maybe there are still chances for me in the future. (i used to fancy wandering through the world to fall in love with a boy from each country and write about each love story. it now sounds like a stupid idea.)

yet it still seems to me a bit dreamy to count so much on the future. i can't do nothing now but to be patient and wait. i can only try to enjoy life as much as i can. and eat. and pray. and love. sometimes i react a bit too strongly to certain little things in life. maybe i am still not very mentally stable. i have no idea why. once upon a time i was the miss sunshine among my friends. my trick was simply to smile things away. but these days i frown too much even my eyebrows feel tired.

i used to think that one day we would look back and find most things funny. i realize now that it's not true. some things mean only heartbreaks and in these cases time does not matter.

lately i feel that i am slowly drifting away from my passions. and i seem to be doing that on purpose. i have been applying jobs that aren't quite fit my nature. people question it. i question myself, too. but life isn't always about getting what you want the most.

i want things. but needs matter more. it is like how i stood at the center of a mall tonight. i asked myself what i would like to buy. i could not think of anything indeed. except vacations. vacations. and vacations. (tomorrow will begin with the alarm clock running off at 7am again, and then work, and then school, and then me on my bed half alive completely exhausted.)

by thursday night i will be on the plane to thailand, may god bless me and allow me a safe, nice and decent trip. (for merely 3 days.) my baby will be at netherlands in 2 weeks. and then beijing. since the stupid breakup few weeks ago we have become a lovelier couple more in love. lately i looked at him and found him more handsome than i ever thought he was. how strange.