2011年4月30日 星期六

all those

hugs and kisses and missing
make us lovers at most, or simply puppies.

there is so much more in a relationship.

once upon a time i thought we were able to talk
a lot, about everything. when i was most depressed
and when he was most depressed
we would be there for each other
keeping our hearts open to share whatever.

but that was just me. and he only happened to be there
and it happened that he happened to care about me enough to listen a bit
to my meaningless talks and silly agony.

i guess that was all. out of all things in the universe
i want us the most. but i have no idea how to behave around him anymore.
maybe my magic failed. maybe our magic failed.

maybe all i needed from us was that courage to stop being stuck in something i did not want.
maybe he was the little window i needed for my escape.

i have learnt to be independent again and appreciate the world now
without worrying about having to place a boyfriend before everything.

and i can write a lot about everything now,
without worrying that someone may get hurt.

i love life. life loves me.

it doesn't matter that i am unhappy, it won't be long before i am happy again.
i don't mind at all as everything i need is within me.
my happiness is mine. i am the giver and taker of it.

2011年4月29日 星期五

his laughter in the house

this morning i heard dad's laughter in the house, it struck my heart for a real tough moment. i recognised his laughter right away. it was so easy. still too familiar. it turned out that mom has put on the video of their indian trip.

thanks to technology. :) and thanks to mom's dedication in documenting their trip in india, now we can still see dad putting on his socks, his shoes and his glasses. we can still hear him joking about the old things in the old ways, and his unique ways of expression.

*sigh* i miss my old man! damn much. i am still living with the thought that we will meet again, that this is not the end and this parting won't be forever.

it truly has made me a stronger person, after having lost someone so dear and having suffered helplessly for his sufferings and lost him like that i now know that there is no way i cannot make it. this whole experience has flipped my inside over, dug every part of me out and threw everything back in. i know now to what degree certain things can hurt me because this unfortunate event has helped me set a bottomline.

2011年4月27日 星期三

eight five too is missing four and five

boring! boring! boring! the hell of a hong kong misses denmark tonight, most nights, everynight. the way it snowed a bit, the winds that skipped heartbeats, the hotdogs on the streets. cold, cold copenhagen, colorful houses, ridiculous victorians. dreams, dreams, cuddly sweet, the morning taste of fresh honey. i hug you my favourite kiss. days were golden, filled with peace and hygge and fingertips. hong kong wants to kiss him all night long tonight, most nights, everynight. the hell of a hong kong could hear denmark mock. i miss you hardly. it happened once it could happen twice. hong kong is a stupid girl tonight, most nights, everynight, insecurity robs her spikes. their every little thing, the hot the crowded the starry nights, the drinks the cinemas the long long walks, all remembered right. hong kong wears its ring, hold it tight, keep it slight, as if it is there as all there is as all, as if we just might.


2011年4月26日 星期二

life is a breeze

the weather was so nice this morning i could not help but slowed down my steps to feel it. i live a bit far away from the city centers, but i surly do not want to live among crowded bulildings anymore. i love this walk (though sometims a rushy run) downhill to the minibus stop every morning, especially during summer's eve, the trees and the sky and the birds and the sunbeams and the shadows and the breeze all come together to form one pretty picture i cannot get enough of.

dreams have deprived me of sleep last night. it was miserable being trapped in between dreams and awakenings. that was how the i-dream-to-make-sleep-boring thingy backfired.

easter holidays came and left. here comes a loaded week for me again. sometimes i am impressed by my own capabilities. if i were a bit stronger physically (or if i were a boy), i would be able to do even more. but i think i have managed to do well, even when i am this small.

today i have come to decide that the more invisible the future seems, the braver i will be; the tougher life becomes, the stronger i will live; the greyer the days look, the more i will treasure just everything and everyone around me, and most importantly, the more able i am, the more love i will give.

my mother has this magical power to ease people's hearts. being with her is like being settled slowly down to the bottom of the sea, in which everything is restored to peace. she makes people feel secured. (also because she always remember to keep mouths well-fed i reckon, haha!) i think i have got this little gift from her, though not as great, i am glad that i am able to be positive and offer people the comfort they need from time to time.

i feel it more strongly each day that i have got the best friends and families one can possibly get. i cannot whine about life anymore. it surly is fun going to new places meeting all sorts of new people, but it is also good here. maybe i tend to be stuck in my own small world, but i am happy in it, i feel content because everything and everyone around me is wonderful.

spiritually i feel so fulfilled. if i dare asking for more now, it will only make me too greedy. let's just work hard for what we may or may not have, and make it a journey rewarding despite its end. :)


p.s. i do feel like i need a bathtub desk one day. it looks so totally mine!

2011年4月25日 星期一

the honeycomb diary

i live like a bee. so hardworking
so sincere. i circle my way in a
hexagonal way, leaving stains
with my footsteps, darkening its shade.

you've got to be pretty crazy in love
to be waxing around like this, and to crawl along
in all that honey, ticklish sweet –
it grows sticky around my feet.

everything i have is flowery, everything
in here. the dresses i come with
and the busy building buzzing budding bees
honey comb you, as i comb me.




abstract painting titled "autumn honey" by brent godfrey

2011年4月24日 星期日

walking the talk

some people talk the talk, while some people walk the walk. it is an one-in-a-million chance to be able to find someone who actually talk the walk and walk the talk. due to the fact that you can't always have the best of both worlds, you'd probably prefer the walk-the-walk type of people to spend your life with, because, after all, talk is cheap. who doesn't know how to talk? if you value your words you can sense even their weight so heavy on your tongue, you won't let them out so easily.

oh that's probably just half true. everybody knows how to talk. but a talk is never just words put together forming sentences. i think those who think love is not about what you say but what you do have never heard of the "speech-act theory". - which explains how talking the talk means walking the walk. this world is constructed with language itself, and it alone for a major portion. nothing can come together if everyone just walks their walks in silence. talks shorten procedures and speed things up, under the circumstances that you know what you are talking about. (otherwise talks would still be cheap and cheesy.)

with the right people i am the unstoppable kind of talker, but i also have the tendency to think too fast and too far that i do not even have time to organise my thoughts before they have to be said. i especially know how talks can build things up and destroy all at once. words are powerful. if romeo had not the words juliet would not have fallen for him and they probably would not have died the way they did. i always want to make sure that i have done enough talking with the people i really care about.

i think there is this thing about coming back here to write a lot all the time. last night i chatted with milo and she mentioned how paulo coelho has turned himself from a torch to a fire. it gave me bingo eyes. a part of me thinks i have been setting myself on fire, too.

but through writing i figure things out, and since i know that these written words can somehow be read, it makes me a more serious thinker. i can write everywhere i want, on the back of receipts, on leaflets, on tissues even, and sometimes when i do not have a pen or pencil i text myself with my own mobile. but this is where motivates me to gather all those pieces and turn them into something readable, and it makes me especially happy when sometimes, some people find their way to make torches out of this little fire. :)



i was alive when you were right here by my side
oh we both could see i needed you, you needed me





photography by sarah rhoads. what if it rains on your wedding day?

one day

i keep remembering things still. and today's flashback turns out to be this one day, i got home from work, and i found him hidden in the balcony when i was just about to start whining to my mom about how he was always busy. i got so shocked and stormed back into my room. i locked the door, claiming that i would never come out. but of course i eventually did.

he was laughing his lungs out.

i wrapped our good times up and kept them somewhere so they would not be seen, because i cannot take anything anymore. it simply has been too much for me.

we certainly had our moments, and those moments were certainly good. but somehow they do not add up.

2011年4月23日 星期六

and my childhood sweetheart gets married.

i bet most girls at my age have fancied about marrying prince william, it is just a matter of having said it out loud or not. i used to say it out loud all the time, believing in the magic that when a lie got repeated a hundred times it would eventually become the truth.

but i am never that patient, i have said too many things too many times and most of them contradict themselves to the extent that they could only vanish along one another.

i realise that i dare not digging into the details of these royal fancies. when i was 14 and dreamt of such things it was kind of cute, but now i am 24. i am 24! i have already been feeling loser-like enough. i am, after all, still being pretty much confined by social norms and ideologies. first of all i cannot see myself married in the visible future, secondly i cannot see myself progressing with a progressive career, thirdly i don't really think i can just ditch the ring and have the fun either, and so now i am stuck in a whole lot of nothingness regarding personal matters that should matter big time according to the social ruler.

oh but i have my own ruler. i should stick with my own measurement.

so on holidays i put on my flowery jumpsuit, keep my hair loose and hop around the house in a hippie-like style. i am addicted to hot lemon tea and anything sugary sweet. i keep going back to my piano, burying my head into music sheets i cannot read. nothing engages me when everything engages me. my attention is scattered everywhere. from music to books to movies to sleep and to my very own sugar coma.

i think i can go swimming on monday if the weather is nice enough. i hope to spend the whole afternoon daydreaming underwater.

i can't help but think that this is the year. if i am to make anything happen, this is the year. i am going to make it my year. all i need is just a bit more wisdom, guts and good luck. (and maybe motivation from time to time, since i am completely lazy when i don't need to work.)

at this very moment all i want is some ice-cream.

oh stupid, stupid, stupid girl

what were you thinking? why do you need to confirm still what you know you know? why don't you just go with your gut feeling? i want to stop having doubts and feeling uncertain.

其實我非得快樂

今天弟弟21歲了!一年又一年,日子眨下眼就過。
感謝上天保祐我們一家五口保持親厚。:)
我生平最大的願望就是他們個個都平安、快樂和健康。
我是一個很驕傲的姐姐,因為我的弟弟妹妹都很懂事、生性
從來都是我的所作作為最要人擔心,而他們都是獨立、有原則又會為人著想的。

近來的日子過得很鬱悶,四月總是比較漫長而難過的
也不知道是為了甚麼,天氣明明又那麼好
假期也算是多了吧。可是我總是莫名其妙的
有想要哭的衝動。頭很重、眉心又是糾結得不能自拔
我持續懷疑自己發燒,但媽咪探了又探都說我沒事。

呀~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 我掛住全世界的所有人和所有事
我懷念過去單純美好的小幸福。(借一借孫燕姿)

愛總是讓人哭讓人覺得不滿足。

2009年4月23日,我寫到:

其實我是個既衝動又有耐性的人
心血來潮明知道撞硬板都要衝過去先

但又可以為了希冀的 嚮往的 美好的去花時間等待
很簡單 只要給我一個美好的幻想 或者希望

等待 絕對 不是問題。


2010年4月23日,我寫到:

one of these days you just wish it so much to have a restart button for life,
a little push to make it all go away, to start it all over in better ways.

也許四月的憂鬱是正常的,seasonal depression they call it -
感物傷我懷,撫心長太息。

我們總是不經意地重覆自己
不斷地愛同一個人,愛到愛不到
就千方百計去尋找這個人的不同版本
我完全解釋不了自己。

可是,當你發現,原來這個世界上有一個人,
你只需要站在他的身邊,當下就能夠感覺到全世界的感覺都對了
你如何可以拒絕這份美好?

無論我多麼擅長把生活浪漫化
也沒法自我陶醉到可以製造那樣的感覺
感情的而且確可以培養,愛一個人也不難
只要願意待對方好,假以時日,愛就不知不覺萌芽了。

但為免自己到老到死都懷念那份神奇地令甚麼都很對的感覺
等一下吧,看看有沒有甚麼奇蹟可以發生。

宇宙萬物請賜我力量。

2011年4月21日 星期四

kissmetillthemorninglight







youaremysweetestdownfall.ilovedyoufirst.ilovedyoufirst.

this samson song gives me depression last night. we can tell ourselves everything because we have the knowledge and the experience. we have lived long enough to know what to tell ourselves when we encounter different situations, but the longer we live the more cliche-like everything can sound, as time and history have stolen away meanings of the words. eventually what we have (though it is a lot that we have) will no longer be enough. we need new words, new ways to say them and new perspectives to see things. we need new things to be felt to make us feel less depressed.

but it is always the same things that make me happy. and it takes so little to make me happy. and the strange thing happens: though i am depressed now it does not mean i am not happy. i am happy, but i am depressed. they interchange too frequently that i almost believe that for some moments they are actually overlapping each other.

thus today i tell myself the universe works in a logic beyond me. i cannot force things. i cannot convince someone to love me. i cannot always get what i want because what i want may not necessarily be what i need. i wish for certain things because what i can see in life is always so limited. if i deserve more or better i would not have the slightest idea. it sounds cool to live that i-love-you-but-i-don't-need-you kind of thing, which almost makes everything simple and easy and light and fluffy, which has also been proven to be the magical element to get who you want. but no i am not that cool. i can be independent and less clingy and needy but it does not eliminate the fact that i do need a boy in my life and i will eventually need him to love me back. it is only for now, the i-do-not-care-rather-he-loves-me-back thing. i must deserve some sort of fairy-tale like happiness eventually, i reckon, so i will be patient and i will wait.

my life is full, you know, because i have been making the most out of it already. i have been living it in the most meaningful way i can. i have been doing my best to love and give and enjoy life. these are the reasons why i am still lovesick. i have already maximised my capacity to do the things worthwhile. it would simply perfect my life if i can, too, indulge myself in some romantic victories.

yesterday my boss asked me what i'd like to do in the future and i found myself silent. i want to spend my life making beautiful things and making things beautiful but that does not necessarily mean a progressive career. after about 2 years of (more than) full-time work i have realised that i will always feel small being attached to someone else's establishment. i cannot wait to be free and independent and still be able to earn enough. (oh does that mean i want to be a rich hippie? it would be nice though.)

the samson song

the samson song gives me depression tonight.

2011年4月19日 星期二

everything i have is flowery.

just few minutes ago i googled "how to cure lovesickness" and bumped into some real sad people writing about their failed love. some of them even regard lovesickness as the worst kind of mental diseases. so it seems quite true that the world is lovesick (and not just yesterday or today.) it is an everyday thing.


and after reading what they have written i am now starting to think that my lovesickness is not that serious. some of them believe that there is only this one person they can love and if they are not loved back all they can do is to build themselves a wall and stay in there forever and more.

now that is a bit too dramatic.

and then i think i have the cure.

1. get used to it - i think what really makes you feel bad is the fact that you can feel your own lovesickness. you can feel your stomach upside down and your tears held up just an inch behind your eyeballs. you feel all those. well, continue feeling! you will eventually be able to adjust your life to your lovesickness and live on. (i reckon.)

2. turn it into something - it is just like how energy cannot be destroyed. it can always be transformed into something else though. write something. paint something. cook with it. sing it out. make it something beautiful. all you need is a little window.

3. stop loving yourself too much - the only reason why you are upset for not being loved back is that you still place yourself in front of everything and everyone else. you care too much about what you can or cannot get. if you really love a person you want him/her to be happy. if someone else can make him/her happier than you can, you are probably not meant for each other. of course i still hope i can be the only girl to make my boy feel the way he feels with me, but it is really not up to me. (oh fingercrossed, let me be the one honey honey!)

4. trust the universe - hand everything over and try your best to live your life and make the most out of what you have. the universe will take care of the rest.

5. love the world - just so every walk is worth the while.

i bet everyone has better things to do than to be despaired by some unfortunate love affairs. i have tons of things to do everyday, and so many responsibilities upon my shoulders. and a family to take care of, and so many friends to pour love on. i do not have time at all. but i still have him on my mind. i still think about us and smile to myself. i think it is an ok thing. it is something i can live with, and as long as it can make me happy i will keep it. the only thing that bugs me now is how i am not able to see him. and now the bug that bugs me is making me rhyme.

yesterday i dreamt of lots and lots of apples. i hope it means good fortune. i am so going to upset the world economic balance if i ever win a lottery big enough. i will not let anyone be hungry or homeless again, i will rob the rich and serve the poor in ways the rich rob the poor to make themselves rich. i will, i will, i will.

and the world is lovesick today.

everyone around me seems to have either fallen in love with the very wrong person, or at the very wrong moment. some of them are wondering whether they are in love, while some of them wonder whether they are able to get out of it at all. some of them swallow their words so they can keep their pride, while some of them swallow their pride so they can keep their words and be regret-free.

it probably makes us shallow, clumsy, empty-minded and dizzy-headed. it upsets our stomachs, our hormones, our schedules and our worlds. but there are reasons why we do it anyway.

sometimes it takes longer than we think we need for us to realise what it is that we need the most. and sometimes when we finally realise what has been there the whole time and when we eventually get the guts to turn around, what has been around is already gone for good.

but we hold on tight anyway. because we are only young once. if you bet your time on what or who you find worthwhile, and if it makes you as happy as it makes you sad, if you stick through the odd hours, and if you really believe in yourself, and if you really care, and if you really dare, and if you really try, i guess altogether it will at least make you as lively as one can be.

so here is a reason for you to celebrate, either if you have found love, or if you have lost it. you know you know it. you feel you feel it.










beautiful phtography by karla read, another lovely woman on the planet. do you sigh for beauty? i totally do.

2011年4月17日 星期日

i'm only happy when it rains.

yesterday i dug out the ring he gave me. i am glad that i did not throw it away. i knew i would not, i would keep it forever. afterall he is the only boy who has given me a ring, and he is also the only boy i have ever given a ring to. it is yellowish now, because i used to wear it all the time, i even wore it to shower. i wish i had taken better care of it. but still, i have never been good at keeping accessories, my earrings usually just disappear after they are worn a few times. i am not good at keeping things in general. it is a simple, delicate thingy, it used to be shiver, now it looks old and vintage. i remember us looking through causeway bay that night, because he wanted to find me a ring that fit my finger, as my finger is a bit too thin. i like him as a person. i like the work of his mind. i would still like him if he were bald, chubby or poor, if he were 70 and old. i like the way he reacts to my thinking, the way he makes me laugh or cry on my own. i could be thinking too fast or too far, but this is the pace how life would go, always faster, always farther than we normally think. and suddenly the world is lovesick, i can smell my desperation everywhere i go. i have us imprinted on my mind all the time, no matter where i am at or who i am with. i dress up, i go out, i have fun. but when the world is quiet again love is all i can think about. it's like i walk around with a long tail behind me. but i’d rather think about love, you know. i’d rather have love problems than to have problems career-wise, money-wise, health-wise or family-wise. love distracts me from mundane matters, helps me write and keeps my soul light. jeg er din, min skat.

2011年4月15日 星期五

學院派

中學的時候,玩伴們一起組成了頹廢人學會,又成立了173學會
大學的時候,我們舉辦了弧芳自賞團,也創辦了風花雪月學會

這些大部份都成就了大家一起自嘲的樂趣

來到今天,我依然活得很積極
為生活奔走之餘,也記得要留意生活上的小細節
每個星期抽空見見好友,永遠記得帶本書傍身
當然還有紙筆墨。沒有時間寫,就用手機拍張照
我還沒有加入蘋果兵團,我的電話用了兩年多,可是我還是喜歡它
也堅持「藝術」是就地取材,運用最有限的資源開拓創意
愈窮的人愈有創意,因為他們會覺得慳得就慳,一物幾用,無傷大雅

可是我感受到內心對未知的恐懼
對前途感到迷茫,我不知道一年之後我可以做甚麼
關於愛情,它是那麼的不著邊際,魚與熊掌永遠都不可兼得
於是我又回復一個比單身的人更單身的境地
時差令我感覺我的日子很長,也很短

我想做很多事情,但到要做的時候又偏偏沒有心機
我花了一輩子去想事情,真正做到的卻很少
我強烈地意識到我長期生活在一用文字和想像堆砌出來的世界
其實我還可以那樣沉溺一輩子

我想要給身邊的人好的生活,可是我又時刻覺得無能為力

好崩潰。我只想找到我的方向。
或者中個六合彩。生活無憂就好了!哈哈。

(講到尾都是想嘆世界。貪心的人。)

2011年4月14日 星期四

sono pazza di te

i am trying to take control of my hormones, if it is only because of hormones. i tried to put this feeling into words, but words were not enough. i am afraid that i am thinking too much, but my mind keeps spinning on its own. i have decided never to go back to be that girl again, who writes 10 e-mails a day confessing love. i dare not even reading those e-mails again, as they were childish and probably too honest, resulting in a massive sense of uncoolness.

but i am never much of a cool girl. i am the passionate and disastrous and often confused type. i am the silly, goofy and nerdy type. i am the i love you baby baby my dearest darling honey you honey me so full of cliches type. i am, i am, i am. i am also the obsessive type, not with you (hopefully) but with love (definitely).

i will learn another language, and then i will write with it. i would say sono pazza di te a thousand times, to your face even, knowing that you have no idea what it means. i will, i will, i will.





stunning photography by Sonya Kozlova, she is only 18. this world is just so full of these talented lovely women. i am 24 (yes lately i am negatively obsessed with my age), what am i going to become? i need signs.

2011年4月12日 星期二

tomorrow. to you. i will.

i have grown up watching my girlfriends’ dreamy bubbles on their future weddings. some of them even have their wedding gowns drawn out. others have thought about when and where to get married, who to invite and the budget etc.


when I was younger my thoughts on weddings would go all the way to the other world, there was absolutely nothing realistic in them, i could only think about my wedding in a castle, not knowing which castle, not even knowing if that castle exists at all. i had no idea when and where to have this wedding. i thought i’d better not plan. let’s just keep everything in the other world.


at one point in my life i vowed i would never want to get married, that i would never need a husband, and that i would stay at home with my parents because with them i had got all i would ever need, and besides, i was pretty much sure that the romance i wanted was nowhere to be found. i shocked some of my friends with my determined thoughts. that year I was 19.


last year I had a boyfriend who said he would really marry me. we talked about our future house and our future kids. my mother thought him half a son and his mother thought me half a daughter. i had never had anything so sure and so unsure at the same time.


this year i gave it all away. i think i will be better off marrying myself off in some sandals and flowery dress, with my hair loose and in my sunbathed skin. as long as i am happy i do not care, i can do it like Echo, in the sahara desert even, just like her wedding with Jose. if i am ever going to get married i am going to do it in the most random time or day and in the most random kind of way.


but of course the wedding gowns in pure white look nice. i will always miss that father-daughter dance in the wedding party. (well, i doubt if my dad would be able to dance with me in a sane way even if he was alive, he would probably just get drunk or do some indian dance moves which he was actually good at. haha)


i want to get married just once and live my life happily ever after thereafter, but i probably want to celebrate it over and over and over again. am i such a greedy person?


girl talks. wedding thoughts. in 6 years i will be 30, can you imagine? some days ago i was talking out loud in my chinese literature class that i would build a castle and marry a prince. that year i was 17.


and suddenly i am here. oh my awareness of time freaks me out.

* just in case you're my boy and you happen to be reading it (since i have no idea if you read at all - and it's not important if you do not): don't worry, we aren't getting married tomorrow. i'm not getting married anytime soon, either. it's just one of my out-of-context talks.

2011年4月9日 星期六

the cleaning lady

on friday morning a lady cleaner came to the office to vacuum as usual. when she greeted me i cheerfully said good morning, and then she looked at me for a second and said, "you are really very pretty!" at that particular moment i actually felt flowers blooming inside me. i don't know why. compliments like that are not unusual. but she looked so happy and sincere when she said that and that sort of kindness overwhelmed me.

i like these ladies. the lady at the cafe downstairs. the lady at the front desk. the lady cleaner. these ladies i like to be nice to, not because they often say i'm a pretty girl (well, i guess it is a bit relevant) but mainly because i feel easiest with them. they always give out comforting smiles and i respect them as much as they respect their jobs and more importantly, themselves and others.

my father always gave the blue collars the warmest greetings, like an extremely friendly and dramatic "good morning!" and the way he did it always made them smile. his voice was so loud and strong and full of energy. when i was younger i thought it was embarassing, but then i realised how lovely a man he was. he was actually balancing the world out.

i hate having to be so careful with those ladies in chanel or guys in suit-and-tie, if they can accept me treating them as my equal i do not mind hanging around, but some of them seem to like the idea that they are superior having their good jobs and earning their good salaries. i don't think it makes one respectable simply because one is a professional or earning a lot.

i wonder why those who get to sit in the office without sweating at all can earn a better living then those who work under the sun sweating a lot. it just doesn't seem fair. it is not fair either, that one is born to be smarter so he/she gets better grades and better offers in life, while the other one is doomed to live with less, having been born to be less intelligent (study-wise).

so i try to have my respect better allocated, respect is to be earned, and it has to be hard earned. i can be pretty biased, and i am also easier on those whose life demands more hardwork. it is only to be just. i won't look up to you because you earn a salary 10 times more than i earn each month, i will look up to you if you are still respectable despite all that.

2011年4月7日 星期四

i don't have the words.

today i had another language exchange lesson. it was fun, as everytime before. i have to push myself though, as i keep not remembering what i have learnt. (because i've hardly practiced at all.) today i learnt about hotdogs, which i think i will remember. becuase jeg elsker dansk hotdogs! james told me that there is actually a danish shop in hongkong from which i can get the hotdogs, so i have decided that i will go test my danish on the shop owner. :D!

my father's written words are still on my bookshelf. have you ever tried looking at pages of words you cannot read and you cannot move away you keep staring and staring until it almost burns your eyes the idea that you want it so bad to understand what has been written but you absolutely cannot read?

i can scream my lungs out. i am that desperate.

i wish i knew hindi. then i would have known what he had written all these years. how can i be a poetess myself without ever having read my own dad's poetry? sometimes i thought i could just hire a translator to translate them all into english or chinese, but then i found that meaningless, because me, myself, as a translator, i know how meanings would be lost. once translated those would not be his own words anymore.

maybe i should start learning hindi, too.

2011年4月6日 星期三

我不行了。

為何分手這樣困難?為何我這樣勞氣?為何他讓我這樣生氣?我到底是在氣他還是氣自己?我是不是在吹毛求疵?為何我還是對他有這麼多的要求? 想起過去就只是想哭。如果不去想,就不會這樣傷心,現在卻好像所有受過的委屈又洶湧而至。我受不了他說還是會永遠愛我,還是對我好,這些那些令我又傷心起來了,令我開始埋怨為何一切來得這麼遲。然後我又開始氣他不爭氣。為甚麼會有15個月都填補不了的空白?為甚麼他甚至都不爭取?為甚麼他就只會在我周圍左右東拉西扯,甘心走去做悲劇裡的男主角、角落裡的傷心男人?為甚麼會有一段從一開始就打定輸數的愛情?為甚麼這段愛情充斥著那麼多的表面功夫?我們長期身處一結了冰的湖面,湖裡的世界多麼美妙都走不進去。 今天我狠狠地哭了,我答應自己這會是最後一次,我要說的話都說了,也許我們都需要一些時間去收拾心情。

2011年4月4日 星期一

this kind of kindness is so evil.

the worst kind of bad people is those who think they are doing good. and they live in such overwhelming of kindness around them that it makes other people feel evil hating them. we feel that something is wrong. but we can't pick on them. because, oh afterall they are just being kind. why are you so picky? we ask ourselves.

but some people only do certain things to make themselves feel good, and make it look like they are doing good to others as well. unfortunately they also believe in their own goodness.

why am i annoyed? maybe it's because for those 15 months he never paid much attention to my dad. i bet he didn't even know his deathday or birthday, if he did he would have done something? but why do something now after we have officially ended. why now? i don't feel good about it. my dad is not something to make him feel good.

he never even listened on those days when i said i missed him badly. when i talked about him he would start talking about something else and asked me not to think about my own dad. yes he really did that. and i stopped talking eventually.

i have never liked his kind of kindness. i cannot be kind in his way. i cannot go around making life easier for those who have already been living a easy life. if they don't treasure what they have, they do not deserve my help either. my compassion is limited. i cannot even be friends with those whose values i cannot approve of. it gives me anger listening to shallow people's shallow talks. but he has the most fun with people like that.

he shouldn't even want me.

my parents are saints to me. it is too late to befriend my dad indeed. i am cruel now, because it is cruel to be kind. i don't lead people on. my soul is happy now. and i will never let it go back to where it had been.

2011年4月3日 星期日

the barbie porn and the angel of death



i read an article on how someone tried to make a lesbian porn with 2 barbies. at first she tried to place the black barbie on top, and realised that it would not work, because some people could get the idea that the black was the brutal one while the white was the innocent one being seduced. so she tried placing the white barbie on top, it would not work either, because she started to worry about people getting the idea that the white was superior over the black.

there was simply no way out. no matter how it looks like people will still get an unintended idea.

and then i read something about the serial-killers. there is a type of serial-killers named the angel of death (because they work in the healthcare sector, usually as nurses or doctors,) under this category there are 3 types of killers: the mercy killer who believes that he/she is helping the victims by killing them, the sadistic killer who simply enjoys exerting power over the helpless ones, and the 3rd one which i find especially interesting - the malignant hero.

the malignant hero first endangers the victims and then goes on to save them, simply because he/she wants to make himself/herself a heroic figure. and this is how he/she does it: he/she poisons the patient, and leaves the room, and rushes back again just to show the world how selfless he/she is to have made such great efforts saving a hopeless patient.

it seems so pathetic, isn't it.

but what seems more pathetic is that i can actually see many malignant heroes here in our society. someone always gets a bigger share of the pie, and gives a tiny bit out naming it after "charity". have it ever occurred to them that if they only take what they need and not what they want at the first place, their "charity" is not even necessary?

but of course they have no idea. most of them don't even know the difference between "need" and "want". this is where everything goes wrong - that some people have unlimited wants.


my wisdom is as scorned as chaos.
what is my nothingness
to the stupor that awaits you? - arthur rimbaud



now i have to thank milo for having brought rimbaud to me. :)