除毛粒

又到了冬天，一口氣把冬天衫找出來，可能因為我買的都是便宜貨，很多件都長滿了毛粒。但這個世界上有一個很偉大的發明──除毛粒機。當世人為自拍神器瘋狂的時候，我為這除毛粒機而著迷。

做寫手難，做藝術家的寫手更難。每天上班都是絞盡腦汁，想不出東西就交不出貨，交不出貨就即是沒做事，沒做事就即是白領糧，白領糧就是最沒尊嚴的一件事情。所以我暗地裡是感到很大壓力。無論我做幾多甚麼事情都好，只有一個個寫了出來又用了出去的字才是踏實的，其他都是過眼雲煙，不長存，也沒甚麼深度可言。

於是漸漸我很享受不用花太多功夫去思考的「世藝」，好像洗碗、除毛粒。手裡慢條斯理地做事，不斷重覆的動作帶我進入冥想，感覺像在修行一樣。

我喜歡這種平靜。

moment by moment

the older i grow i feel more sure about the uncertainties of life. as i age my body depreciates, my senses are not as sharp, i am less alert about changes.

my existence is too weak. it hardly matters. i feel as if i was trapped in endless cycles. it is like the music chair game, but the music goes on and on and everything is turning and everyone is looking...

quick days, fast pace

october was bad, november has gone, and december has arrived.
once again i am counting down the days. i will soon again be by his side.

my desire to write has not stopped, but i have been writing less and less.
lately i have been confused, and a little upset.
i am struggling between being true to myself and being kind.
i can just stay kind and sweet. it is easier for people to like me when i am sweet.

sometimes i am amazed by how people can get through everything so easily and effortlessly.
and i wonder why i have to work so hard.
lazy people survive still.
they make up all kinds of excuses to get themselves by.

but how i do my work also means how i spend my life.
i have to take good care of every minute.
and how they spend their life is their own business.
what i have to make sure of, is that i cannot let them waste my time.

The Reader

i feel so bad for Michael. it happened when he was too young and he was doomed to love just one person for the rest of his life. he would miss her forever, whoever he ended up with. memories of her would never really let him go.

how much do you need to know a person before loving him/her?

Michael loved Hanna, he didn't know about her past, but he loved her.

***

october has been a bad month for me. my heart has been injured many times. i have been teaching it to be strong. sometimes it's just not about me, what i do or do not do. and i can't make a person love me. it is all written in my destiny.

i know that, and i know for sure that, once people have found what they absolutely love, or what they feel worthy to fight for, they will find their ways to keep it.

so if it doesn't work out it is only going to be for one reason.

life is like a unicorn

skipping through the gap between two hills. it is about one moment long, a very short while. it is done in a heartbeat.

i have been trying to slow time down, being well-aware of its pace and its passage.

some people live with empathy, some with apathy.

it just takes a little thing to see.

all of a sudden i feel enlightened. i know at last. it has been a trap. the very important thing to do now is to make my heart very, very strong. i will need that power in the future. 

i may not be the smartest person in town, but i am not stupid. some things are easy to tell. the past few years haven't all been a waste though. i am sure that i have grown a little, if not a lot. i am sure that it has been a nice journey. it is the process that matters. it is just a little sad to find out that my efforts didn't change a thing. how it was then remains how it is now. people don't really change. 

i have to protect myself as there are people that i need to protect.

the philosophical way of life

when you lead a philosophical way of life, you live with constant wonders on life and death. i envy those who can simply dismiss the subject as something in the future. future means something that never comes. it is nothing to be cared for now. "when you are dead, you are dead. there is nothing."

i wonder why i am holding on if there is not a piece of me in that so-called future. if my presence or absence in the future does not mean a thing to the here-and-now. what am i trying so hard for?

it takes some determination to build your future into your present.
the future does not just happen, if you don't work on it, it will pass you by without you knowing it.

dark hollow days

i feel like i am living my days in some dark hollows, skipping from one to another, there has been very little light of what is happening, what i am going to do, or what i am supposed to be doing. there has been very little clue and no comfort.

i cannot decide for myself which approach to take. i have very little control of what is happening, and i am really tired. maybe very little of it is about me. maybe i play a very little role in all these. and maybe it matters very little with or without me.

maybe this is how you play the outsider role, by forever standing at the door. sometimes you are in, sometimes you are out. it is strictly by invitation.

i don't want to play this game anymore. 

here is to the last days of a sweet, sweet summer

i never managed to be in good skin, or in good shape.
it came and it ended, in movements unexpectedly fast.

may i be prettier, sweeter, smarter, everything better
the next time we meet.

i have got a full half hour

before midnight.

when i was 14 i felt that Lolita was strange and irrelevant. when i re-visited Lolita at 27, i understood something important -- obsess over no man. let no man obsess over you. i used to think obsession romantic. now i find that thought highly immature.

i have some more books to read, and more movies to watch before my darling is here. sometimes i kind of wish that i can keep him longer than time allows. i am not obsessed. i am just very much in love and a little bit addicted.

the side effects of getting sick

work undone, mind unclear and skin bad. now i just wish i can work fast, think smart and rebuild my system. it has never been really strong, but it doesn't have to be so weak either.

so here is my plan towards a healthy life:
1. more water/ green tea
2. more sleep
3. less stress
4. honey mask every night
5. more fruit & green, less dairy products and meat
6. less processed food

and after i am well i will start exercising.

and now, time to sleep!

the matter of understanding

you can never truly understand a person without understanding his/her past. by understanding what a person has gone through to become who and how he/she is now, you become understanding about many things regarding this person.

instead of saying I am born this way, I have taken a closer look at myself and realised how my experience has shaped me, despite the fact that I have been making constant efforts to fight the influence of many negative experiences in the past.

I guess the same happens to people around me. people are how they are because of a series of reasons I haven't experienced, sometimes it is easier to accept their behaviour instead of asking why and hoping for changes.

sometimes it is easier to focus on myself, be shortsighted and self-centered.

random thoughts are never random

as usual i dream of a million possibilities when i work through my days. nothing much has occurred except for the words i made happen and the thoughts on my mind. i have been dwelling on my own needs. what do i need? and what do i want indeed? the puzzle has not been solved and i am cautious. 3 years to 30. it is important not to mess life up at this stage.

i have to stop not writing. i have to stop not being carried away. i have to stop not unleashing my feelings. i have to stop trying to be in control and sensible. none of these is helping. days have become ordinary and me plain. my boss said that people who wrote well must have a good heart. i don't know how true that is, but i must take it from there and begin my own chapter. i have to cultivate myself the way i have cultivated my soul in the past 20+ years. i am running out of me.

the strength of emotional reaction

there was a time when i argued with everyone a lot and my teachers told me that i could become a lawyer one day. and then i read to kill a mockingbird and i thought if i ever became a lawyer i would be like Atticus. and it became one of my childhood dreams being a lawyer.

my dad said he didn't doubt my ability to make it, but he knew i would then be forever miserable. he said i was too sensitive a person that i would just cry over every case. i would never be able to fight the heaviness on my heart and the idea of injustice would torture me day and night.

sometimes i think i am too sensitive even to exist.

as my tears stopped came the raindrops

i was at the airport this morning. he was here, and he was gone. 10 days feel like a sudden lapse of time. i am grateful for the 10 days of great weather, joy and sweetness.

work starts again tomorrow.

object of affection

these days i enjoy being the object of affection. there are sweet awakenings and honeyed wanderings. living like this helps me put all of my troubles behind. relaxation takes place and i am happy.

i don't mind the world. in my world i have my most precious people and their affection makes up the most compelling moments in my life. these will be all i will ever remember.

you don't have to wait until the very last minute to look back and realize what count the most. i think we all have the ability to identify what works for us and what does not.

as i grow older i stray away from people i used to know.

the longer i live

the more i realize that it is not necessary to be everybody's friend, or to spend time on catering people that i am not interested in knowing or being with. i am still nice to everybody, but i am more conscious about how i spend my time and who to spend my time with. i allow myself to be more critical, and sometimes even judgmental, as there is only so little time left everyday.

and the problem is that i sometimes really just need to be alone, to think and feel, read and write, dream and relax, as well as to be away from the outside world. there is too much gossip, and it's hard to disengage, but i really want to, because, i know, from the very bottom of my heart, i don't care about who does what and why, most of the time. these things don't last. and i am more into things that really matter, like the changing of seasons and the turning of stars, how to make life better, make dreams happen or be smarter, brighter etc.

it always feels like i am running out of time.

and the most precious thing lost is time.

i am not sure if my English is good enough to explain this. it has been on my mind all day - the many faces of justice that i have come to know. i don't think i like what i know. it happens to be the opposite of what i have always believed in. the old me would have said for sure that justice had only one face, and that there were certain meaningful ways to justify actions and thoughts, and it was easy to tell what was right and what was not.

but my world is no longer blessed with simplicity.

i watched all things happen in silence. i knew from the very beginning how it would go. i kept quiet. i tried my best to be an outsider. i kind of succeeded. first i observed how one human being took advantages of another, and then i became a witness of the consequences of a series of matters, the whole process involved certain power and control, constant backstabbing, tons of lies and marvelous performances.

to a certain extent it was like a game, pokers maybe. the cards changed according to time and thus according to luck. the matter of timing was really precise the whole time.

some months ago i cried for some french fries i could not have. it was stupid, maybe. but the french fries meant for me my dignity. what happened today isn't even about me. but i feel for it. with all kinds of feelings it hits me. no one is justly treated and nothing is truly justified. i honestly think that everybody loses, and the most precious thing lost is time, which equals life. although some might have found fun in it.

and now i understand humanity a little better.

the dog-bear

every morning when i walk downhill to the minibus stop i almost always run into a dog which looks like a polar bear. it is so fluffy, all white and insanely cute. in the past 13 years i have secretly (or openly) thought that sasa is the prettiest dog in the world. i still think she is. but then this dog-bear is so cute that i can't help but smile whenever i see it.

isn't it magical that there is something so lovely in life. it doesn't have to do anything. it amuses me simply by existing.

most of the people or things i love are like that. i just have to see them, and then i am happy.

i have been reading (or trying to read... there is so much that i want to read i don't know where to start, so i end up reading a bit here and a bit there, and that's, of course, not very effective.) 4-Hour Work Week. my desire to design my own life style is growing stronger each day. i don't want to work my life around my job. i want my job to fulfill my life style.

i have been observing myself at work.

what i like about my job: writing, editing, proofreading and translating.
what i don't like about my job: things that stop me from writing, editing, proofreading and translating.

i think that makes so much sense. at first i thought everyone of us had to compromise a bit so we could do what we like to do. but that is a silly thought.

if i can't spend enough time on the tasks i am hired for, there is something wrong.

i should at the very least

try to look pretty.

每個人都是為自己。

愈返工愈發覺，
每個人都是為自己。
這句說話是離職很久的上司告訴我的，
近來總是想起。

其實為自己也無可厚非，
每個人都應該要懂得為自己，
為自己，為屋企，
難道下下等人為你？

為自己是正常的，
問題是人有多貪婪。

我近來常常做架倆，其實自問有些愚蠢。

不過我看不過眼。
有時候，做些與自己過不去的事情，
是因為看不過眼。

就是因為我不夠蠢，也不夠聰明，
我才看得透我應該看透的。

人是應該為自己，
但也不是下下只為自己。

i cannot carry the world on my shoulder.

everyone has their own cross to bear.
let them do whatever they think they must.
i don't feel like fighting anymore. it's not worth my efforts.
it is, afterall, not about me.

why do i care? i am tired.
i should focus on my own enjoyment and happiness.

or my life will pass me by.

about me

i am tired. so much to be done.
so little time.
so little me.

i am tired.

late twenties

as my little sister steps into her early twenties i am moving on to my late twenties.  after all these years i am still pretty much the same person.  i am still writing.  i am still family-oriented.  i am still in love with the same person.

as everything changes i prefer to stay unchanged.

some people are attached to places,

and some people are attached to people. i am more of a people person in that sense.

i dislike everything that keeps me away from the people i love. i am pathetic, sort of, i know. but i know the purpose of my life, why i live, and what i am living for. i have always been clear-minded when it comes to these things.

it is important to know what means the most to you, but it is not important for others to find the same meaning in the things you find meaningful.

everybody is on their own.

major influences

jane eyre
to kill a mockingbird
edvard munch's madonna
buddha

後記

記我2014年1月4日的心事。

身在上海浦東機場，還有幾個小時就回到家了。像從前每一次一樣，內心是說不出的矛盾、哀愁和恐懼。十三天的甜蜜假期一轉眼就過去了，日子過得那麼快又那麼慢，一心想念媽媽，一心離不開他，一顆心分成兩個岔，快樂裡總是保留一點點的悲傷。人生最忌放不下，我放不下的東西不多，但我所放不下的，已是我生命的全部。

在丹麥過完了溫馨的聖誕節，他把我帶到柏林去過新年，看了歌劇，去了達利藝術館，造訪了猶太人傷痕纍纍的歷史，在踏進2014年的一刻，看了漫天的煙火，半夜，兩個異鄉人在車站遇上來自異鄉的兩個人，隔天宿醉醒來，守住了2014年第一個酒醉的承諾，在殊不簡單的泰國餐廳受到了最熱情的款待。

我害怕的是，這些經歷，我再細細去想，不是全部都記得住。記住了片段，零零碎碎，一堆在我的腦海裡飛旋著糾纏。我好像在那裡待了很久，但我又已經在這裡了。我知道，轉眼間我又將身在何方。年年月月裡，曾經經歷過多少我想要抓住的片刻，我深深的把它們烙在心的深深處。四年多前的初夏，我們認識不久，我們在南丫島，他牽著我的手，那一刻，我想，不久後這片刻將成為我最懷念的片刻...... 因為每一次的離別，我都怕是永遠的離別。誰知道呢？

只要愛情一直都在，距離將不成問題。這份愛情很難得，我用了我的青春去交換，它讓我流了很多眼淚，卻也給我帶來前所未有的甜蜜和快樂，他在我身邊的時候，我總是不自覺地笑得很燦爛。女孩子，是應該找一個讓您笑的男孩子，有本事讓您快樂的人，有本事讓您漂亮一輩子。

我的人生在我的生命中匆匆滑過了，本應不慌不忙，何以我總是一片忙亂？我的人就像我的行李一樣，雜亂的又滿滿的，想要疏理也無從入手。每次放假，我都以為可以重整身心，但每次放完假，我都比放假前更心猿意馬。從日夕相對到相隔異地，中間的落差太大了，好像一不留神踏了個空，心裡只有恍惚，悵然若失。

假期完了，小小的盤川都花光了，必須趕快找回生活本來的節奏，投入工作，努力賺錢。寫東西賺不了多少錢，但長遠而言總算是比較無本生利的一件事。名利非吾願，工作的目的，不外乎是為了三件事：生活、愛和自由。現在的我對前路有點迷茫，但也許，終於有一天，我也可以安安穩穩的抱住這三件寶貝過日子。還有三年就三十歲了，這三年，對於往後的一生而言，很是關鍵。路是怎樣走出來的，也將怎樣走下去。

很久沒有為自己寫東西了，總是覺得文字是用哀愁逼出來的，寫東西的人，都是在享受自虐的快樂。但這又似是以毒攻毒的一件事，傷口被周而復始的翻閱和檢視，卻竟也在不知不覺中好起來了。

不過我心裡知道，最難熬的時刻還未到，現在坐在前往香港的航班上，算是抖擻了精神，到了今夜夢迴的時候，才是最錐心的一劫。人回家了，身邊的人還在很遠的地方。到底是無敵的緣份，還是無敵的意志？這樣的堅持，來自當年的年少輕狂和不理後果，在很大程度上主宰了我往後大半生的幸福。

一次又一次，我在離別的驚惶失措裡守候長相廝守的可能，在小團圓裡等候我的大團圓。