i think god is only trying to balance the universe out by making me wait, since it simply and automatically means granting me all the happiness in the world placing him near, and it will not be fair letting someone have that much joy that easily.
(i guess.)
this is how i do not mind, the one thing i truly want, i have it now. it occurs to me that it doesn't matter putting people before me, or taking things upon my shoulders, because i can afford doing so, and all i need to do is to keep going, the universe works things out for you when you worry less about your own fate. (i think.)
at the end of the day i am always thankful and happy, as life is full of grace and beautiful, and with all those lovely people life has placed around me, i really cannot complain. :)
besides all that, MGMT has taken me high tonight. i think i have developed a seriously huge crush on Andrew VanWyngarden. he makes me want to go back to being 14 again and have his name as my e-mail address instead of that nicky from westlife. (i know, ridiculous!) he makes me feel like i can stay up all night dancing to myself. (jarvis cocker did it to me.) he makes me want to have all his pictures printed out and have them covered my room's wall (like what i did with johnny depp's pictures when i was at the dorm.)
i am always a bit too much, everything i do, everyone i love. i know not how to give less, it is always either all or nothing.
once upon a time, this poem by Rod McKuen went through the pieces of my broken heart.
Where will I rediscover you
and will I?
The question sits on all the lips of those
who lie in bed alone. You is/are the name
each of us give to what we love the most
or what we have not, will not know.
And it is almost always that One, absent,
Gone, through circumstance
or happenstance.
Where did I lose you and when? Did it
Happen even as we knew we were
discovering each other that first time.
Was loss a piece of swelling
big as the enlarging heart?
Sweet basil growing greener reaches up
and through the grass like weeds.
Mallards form a rope across the sky
coming from the south in secret.
Cinnamon Teal bring up the rear.
An early thaw has made all canyons
into rivulets.
The daisies saying love me now
or love me not.
If I have thought about you more than
now it must have been some other me
living in a different heartbreak house
surrounded by some other hedge of memory.
I have been to town and back, to Greece
in dreams and in reality. To far shore,
near field, streets between and always I
have sought you out; on yellow days in
yellowed pages, through rages of the mind
and heart. I do not start out on a trip to
corner or beyond without you for you
have never left my head or would be heart.
Where will I come upon you, if I do?
Perhaps in death or life again. When?
Perhaps not ever, what then? I'll give
It another day, a week. Another month.
A lifetime more or less, then I'll give up.
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