my fragility

one of my best friends once told me that he thought i was scarily strong on my mind, in a night when i told him i would be crying myself to sleep for a silly matter. i think i am, too, most of the time. i am good at swallowing things, or fighting back when necessary. i am not afraid of apologizing for my or somebody else's mistakes either.

but when i am weak i am extremely weak.

last night, in the middle of a conversation about dinosaurs, my neighbor's kid asked where my father was. i fell silent for a while, and then he asked what my father did for a living, and whether he was at home.

years have passed, but i don't think time has worked its magic on me, or maybe i was born a stubborn person.

on most days of the week, i am busy like hell and super tired, sometimes it is only because i want to care less about the things that make me feel. i can't even talk about it as much as i need to, since i know it can still make me cry right on spot if i am not alert enough regarding how to hold myself together. i was only brave enough to lie awake at night thinking of the past, whatever and whoever that has passed me by.

but i gathered some guts and told my little friend that my father has passed away, and once the words were said we were all silent, he was too young to know to say "i am sorry" like most adults would, and i appreciated that.

i love how little kids love me, how they get excited seeing me, and how they cling to me and ask me to read them stories. i love how they are not afraid of saying "i miss you" right at my face, how they care about what i like, what i have done for the day and where i have been. the last time i saw my hugo boy he held my face like i am a darling little dear and kissed me on my cheek. it was so sweet that my heart melted.