“You must be the change you want to see in the world.” - Gandhi

i cannot count how many times i have come across people saying "people won't change." i can only at most agree with the saying "some people never change." while i absolutely believe that there are people who change over time/ for different reasons/ eventually.

because i have not always been like this. i have changed as well, over the years, having bumped into major events that have cast lasting influence over my little life, i changed a lot, and i have met people who changed, from good to bad, or from bad to good.

and most of the time, indeed, it does not matter whether people change or not, the changes in life happen mostly along the changes you make in you.

can we not for a second believe that the world does spin around us most of the time, that we are often really the center of the universe? so each of us can spend less time lusting after what other people are doing/ what they have, and focus on each of our world cultivating the soil on our own land?

i seldom get jealous, (though i can be a little possessive and i absolutely don't like people putting their hands on my belongings... is that jealousy? haha.) because/but i am quite sure that what i have, i would not trade with anybody else for anything else, in some sense god/the universe/life has already given me the best of things. even though i whine often about my boobs being too small, i still prefer them over anybody else's, simply because of the fact that they are mine.

so here is a little drawing i did today, titled "i really want to make love to my boyfriend." (roars.)

asking for it

"We had just gotten off tour with Mudhoney, and I decided to stage-dive. I was wearing a dress and I didn't realize what I was engendering in the audience. It was a huge audience and they were kind of going ape-shit. So I just dove off the stage, and suddenly, it was like my dress was being torn off of me, my underwear was being torn off of me, people were putting their fingers inside of me and grabbing my breasts really hard, screaming things in my ears like "pussy-whore-cunt". When I got back onstage I was naked. I felt like Karen Finley. But the worst thing of all was that I saw a photograph of it later. Someone took a picture of me right when this was happening, and I had this big smile on my face like I was pretending it wasn't happening. So later I wrote a song called "Asking For It" based on the whole experience. I can't compare it to rape because it's not the same. But in a way it was. I was raped by an audience, figuratively, literally, and yet, was I asking for it?" - Courtney Love, 1995

was she asking for it? why do people always assume that when someone does something, it automatically makes them (morally/legally) rightful to react in certain invasive ways? whatever a woman does with her body is her own matter, she exposing herself in public does not grant you the right to expose her in public without her permission, the same applies for men. there is nothing as "if you do this, i do that" without a mutual agreement made and stated beforehand.

is it too late to comment on the edison chen scandal? (well, but this is my blog.) i have often thought that people are extremely hypocritical criticizing the actresses while they flipped through the photos. not even one of those photos had i looked at, because those photos weren't taken for me, and they weren't supposed to be looked at or judged or followed-up. people were just shameless taking pleasure out of exploiting other people, and it was made ok because almost everybody else was doing it. i seriously don't think there is a problem if a couple decides that they want to keep some photos for private use, the only things that went wrong was that 1. maybe the girls didn't know there were other girls, 2. they trusted the wrong person and 3. edison was careless and stupid regarding how he just handed the computer over to a third party.

but that really shouldn't be our business. who are you to judge? one day you will get married/fall in love, and have sex, and there are things you will consider sweet doing with your other half. you may want to photograph it or video-tape it when you feel beautiful, and there is absolutely nothing shameful about it.

my tooth is sweet -

that i knew, but this i didn't expect -
he sweet-talked me to eternity, melting me into
a cherry soaked with honey, turning me
into a soft touchy sugary candy,
a half-baked marshmallow
spinning around caramel and chocolate.

i was born sweet-natured, indeed
but this, THIS
is major.

lately, i am feeling more woman-like than ever.

a woman has only 400 chances in her life.

so i was told by the movie i watched last night, that a woman only gets 400 eggs in her life. i got my period when i was 14, and 12 x 10 = 120. i have used 120 of them already, with about 280 left.

isn't it a bit scary when things are numbered? it's like, we all know we are going to die someday, no one is immortal, my dad used to talk about how he was getting old and we had to be independent and strong, and that we needed to take care of one another, because one day he might just die in the sleep, and we couldn't count on him to live forever. it would scare me a bit but i could forget it right away, because we did not have the days numbered even by talking about that, because we were not scientifically acknowledged.

since i am not a scientist, science to me is more like a limitation, when romance gets me unlimited possibilities. or is science romantic? if only i was a scientist, i would love to invent things for real, too bad that i suck at maths.

"you really love kids, don't you?"
"why?"
"because your eyes totally sparkled when you saw them."

i have never thought about how much i love kids. i thought i just liked being with them, i like how they smell, the soft hair they have, the fact that they smile and cry all too easily, how energetic they are, how innocent their questions can be, and how they cling to me. they always make me feel lovely.

don't we all love being with someone whom we can love and pay attention to?

maybe i will have my first baby when i am 34, that was the age when my mother had me, i heard that a woman grows fully mature and healthy when she is 34, by that time i will have about 160 eggs left, maybe the 240th egg of mine will become my 1st baby. i think i want a boy first, and then a girl later.

how often do you think about things and smile to yourself? do people do that or is it only me? such happy thoughts.

i talk about the future like it is peter pan's neverland, where all possibilities come to play and good things happen. i think my mother influenced me here, as she loves all those dreamy talks about a future gloriously bright, even when our life got to a point where everything basically sucked and all hopes, if not dead, were supposed to be killed. but this woman is magical, and eventually she builds everything up again. she makes me believe in good things.

it is always just a matter of your state of mind.

i used to be with someone who attempted to turn all my dreamy talks into realistic talks, that was when my wishful thinking became clouds that smothered my free spirit. i can talk about, let's say, going to greece and living there for a year, and i can do that when chances come up, but that person can only tell me how dangerous or expensive it must be, what about your family? what about your job? what are you going to do there?

come on, most of the time i am just talking. when things happen they happen.

rabbits on the run

my period is late. i am annoyed. it is not fair! why was it early last month and late this month? :/ it really should not have come early last month! now if i want to get a certain something done i will need to wait for months, and get a ticket, and fly over, and this longing is dreadful.

though wonderful.

but it is also likely that, well, even if i am to get it done i will always want to go back for more, sort of like my addiction on lemons and sugar and the sun and the sky and all the sweet and beautiful things i have found in life. i never knew it could be so nice.

sometimes i wake up to find rabbits hopping in my stomach, (the butterflies saying is overused i think) i often leap to my own thoughts, the realization that he is real, and he is mine, and we are ours.

the silly little scars on my left leg seem to want to stay stuck there forever, and for some strange reasons i do not mind their intention. dear Copenhagen, it's been nice to know ya. did you love me as i leave?

i love my life, if i haven't said that before, i have to say it now. though sometimes the waiting is a bit long, i have lived to learn that for good things to happen, time has to be invested. i simply can't resort to anything less nice than what i have found.

i always knew it, i just wished i didn't doubt myself.

bad-weather friends - 同病相愛

fair-weather friends are those who only come to you when days are good, and bad-weather friends are just the opposite. can you believe it? there are actually people who only love you when you hurt. maybe it is another thing about human nature, that it is always easier to have people feeling sad for you than to have people feeling happy for you. empathy is comparatively easier, it takes a cold-blooded person to not feel things for those who suffer, but it takes a bigger heart to be the "bridesmaid" - if you know what i mean.

some people loved me when i was stuck in a miserable life, and now that i am happy, they seem to have disappeared. can you believe it? there are actually people whom you can't share good news with. the strange fact is some people only love you for your weaknesses. but it becomes the way how you see who will stick with you forever - those who have stuck with you for better or worse (yes, just like marriage), those who seem happier than you do when happy things happen on you, those who hug you when you cry and don't find your smeared mascara too annoying, those who want you to get good and succeed just as much as they want themselves to, and those who always count you in either in fair or bad weather. now those are those you should really treasure.

oh i really love my friends, i sincerely thank god for my whatever-weather friends. :)

you make me wanna

lala

in the kitchen on the floor
i'll be your french maid when i meet you at your door






the longing is for the one who is felt in the dark
but not seen in the day. - tagore

Kalø Slot – 就算破落也是美好

從丹麥回來這麼久，也沒有好好的為它寫過甚麼。其實真的值得寫，因為這個世界上有照片也表達不來的好風光（更何況我的照相技術非常一般）。

那天他駕車，我們買了糖份滿瀉的丹麥點心去Kalø Slot野餐。沿路風好大，城堡坐落的地方像個自然保護區，門外有個生態導遊在擺檔，不過我們沒有幫襯。把我們帶到城堡的是一條滿佈沙石的路，兩邊都是海水，他說潮漲的時候更有趣，因為路會變得又細又窄，走起上來像是走在海的中央。走過了那條小路（路的直徑雖小，但長度不短），就是寬闊的草原，一直走就能走到城堡了。路上最吸引我的就是那些在海邊吹風休憩的慵懶的自由的寫意的牛，牠們的姿態是那樣那樣的無憂無慮，好像還有一輩子的美好擺在眼前，牠們沒法明白我們為了甚麼而匆忙。多得那過份的陽光，我偷偷地拍下了我們牽著手的影子，我到現在還是為這小小的聰明沾沾自喜。

走上了城堡，我才感覺到所謂的目不暇給，因為怕他笑我，我已經盡量不拍太多的照片，但有時候看見漂亮的東西就是忍不住就算拍得不好都想要千方百計去捕捉去據為己有，不過照片始終是照片，我們站在破落的城堡上，我唏噓說如果香港那裡有這樣的海景，早就賣給了發展商建高樓大廈了，我們為甚麼總是追求skyline？我寧願看雲，起碼雲總是在變，人們卻起這麼多一棟二棟把自己和自己的空間困得死死的。這座城堡在1313年建成，用來阻擋地方貴族和農民對皇室的反抗，在1518-1519年間還囚禁過瑞典的國王，不過他後來逃走了。在1662年，這個城堡的主人在得到它一年後把它拆了下來，用它的物料在哥本哈根建造了Charlottenborg Palace。

他說他要在這個破落的城堡上再建一個新城堡，而我可以在海的對岸的那個小角落搭一個小帳篷，我說他要是真的這樣狠心，我就不客氣地在他的新城堡旁邊建座螢光粉紅色的城堡，更要每位護城的士衛穿上hello kitty制服，每天跟他打招呼，哈哈！

嘈喧巴閉地下了山（本人既怕高又怕會跌倒），我們走到了海邊野餐，當天的陽光多麼燦爛，那是想起都覺得快樂的一個下午。

為甚麼要這樣自殺式地談戀愛呢？為甚麼要寧願飄洋過海呢？為甚麼就是無法安份呢？我常常都在想，如果問這些問題的人能夠有一秒感受過我所感受的，就好了，那樣他們自然就會明白，原來一個人可以快樂到那個地步 ─ 而我竟然還沒有忘掉整個世界一頭栽進去，他們應該要很佩服我才對，我年少輕狂浪漫主義得來竟然還活得這樣負責任。

vampire love

my day approaches its end when yours starts afresh.
i wake often from the dreams you invented, invaded,
where you are invited. you whisper
light to hours dark, lonely and afar,
and then the dawn breaks -
a day is made mine.

i am attracted to a soul, one that makes me happy
like a swimming fish that kisses.
i am waiting for it to love me out loud,
(if it were lucky enough it would love me out loud),
so i can love it back out loud,
(if i were lucky enough i would love it back out loud).

whatever you read here are only moments

because that is how i have decided to live my life. i have decided to shatter it into moments. pieces may not link up, sentences can be broken, my senses make no sense. i am not at all comfortable with people thinking that from what i have written they get to know who i am and how i am. my words may sound depressing from time to time, but that is because this is my outlet for emotions i cannot handle simply by putting up a smile. sometimes we talk things over with people, sometimes we talk to ourselves. i need to write things down to have issues figured out

and when i am happy i cannot write.

if you do not know me, it would be hard for you to tell that i am actually a happy person. but most people i know, who know me, know that my positivity is sort of unbeatable. (even though i have the tendency to panic a lot and freak myself out.)

tonight i need to talk to my guardian angel though.

the full-moon, mercury and hormones

have come together to play with my mood.

i want to stop dwelling on negative thoughts. but i am afraid that i react too much and too joyfully to the little things people normally do not care. i am starting to wonder if it is going to ruin me being overly optimistic. i thought that was the way to go, now i am not sure which way is the good way. maybe there is a reason why the majority of people shares the same measurement to a lot of things. what is that reason? why have i not been convinced?

it feels like that sometimes you spend too much time walking around in other people's shoes that you forget where your own shoes are.

it is because i have lived through disasters. i have grown to learn that things can be worse, and that we are lucky enough when they are the way they are, that as long as there are hopes, there are chances.

i would have been living in depression if i am not as positive as i am. maybe that isn't so bad building one castle after another than. there is no other way to live.

i can survive upon very little of everything. actually, we should all live life that way. the only thing that disturbs me is how the majority doesn't think so, and from time to time they become so major that they make me doubt myself.

i am about to love myself more.

i think i have been the tin woodman. the tin woodman tries extra hard to be kind and careful with other beings, because he doesn't have a heart, he says, and he is willing to go all the way to earn a heart beating inside him, so he can love.

i am about to tell myself to get rid of the idea that i am undeserving. it has always been easy to see the good in people, and believe that they deserve things, most of the girls i know, i think they are nearly perfect and they can get whatever they want. but it has been hard for me to believe that i, deserve things, too. when i am sad i actually tend to think that i deserve to be tortured, or that sadness is indeed a gift, that i can feel, that i am blessed. is that what people call compromising? or am i really that optimistic? when i am too happy i freak out, i panic, seriously, thinking that life cannot be that good, who am i to deserve that much? i am not halfway good enough.

but tonight i have decided to drop that thought. i think i deserve things, that i deserve love and respect, and i deserve to be happy, too, just as much as everybody else does. if happiness opens his arms to me i will embrace him without a doubt.

the tower and the wheel of fortune

today i played the tarot 5 times, and the combination of these 2 cards kept coming up, they were there 3 times. although i finally got some good cards, i understand that it must be a sign when the same cards kept coming up.

i totally understand what the tower means, i have been haunted by it lately, either from my mom's deck or from madame lulu's. it has been around. i wonder if it's because of the full-moon and the mercury's shift of position. the murphy's law is still in motion.

i used to meet the fool a lot, being happy and totally unaware of the danger aheard. the fool hasn't appeared that often anymore. i know i always get good luck in love when i get the 9 of cups or the devil. the knights usually mean new lovers that sweep me off my feet. but the tower and the wheel of fortune... such an odd combination. i don't think i had once got them before.

but as i said, i understand. i have been standing on the edge of a breakdown. my mood does major swings from heaven to hell and to heaven again. i have been building my own tower wishing that i can reach heaven.

my senses tell me one thing, but my heart tells me another. i am let down by myself. there are no fake hopes, i wonder why people call something fake hopes, hopes are hopes, they aren't fake even when they don't get realised. you know you don't always hope for things that can be realised, right?

i have given myself too much wishful thinking. i am totally indulged by my own positivity and imagination. both the tower and the wheel of fortune indicate changes, quick and big. they can also mean sex, so i heard. oh, well. maybe i spent too much time dwelling on the idea of what spring does with the cherry tree.

maybe i should start praying.

i am seriously

lovesick.

this feeling is GIANT. i wonder if anyone has ever used "giant" as the adjective to describe a feeling. but it is GIANT like a snowball rolling down a snow mountain. it gets bigger and bigger, now it is GIGANTIC.

another day goes by.

2 years ago today

i went to bed in hell.

2 yeas have passed away and today i somehow woke up to a heaven-like sort of happiness -

all because of one person - the same person.

isn't life strange.

多虛罔亦放肆追趕

你是傳說那種絕世的風光

i have kept every piece of us because even when it was broken
it was still good. i can't tell how overwhelmed i am
having come this far to find that we are even better
now, sweeter than ever.
things might have moved fast, objectively speaking
but it has indeed been too slow for a long while to me.

he might have paused for a while but
i have never really managed to stop since it first started
if lying to my heart doesn't count.

merry kismet

when i was around 8 i didn't know how to spell "merry christmas" while i wrote christmas cards to my classmates, so instead i wrote "merry kismet", thinking that they sounded just alike. this piece of silliness of the little me was recalled tonight while i was sitting on the minibus waiting to get home. i was exhausted. (i still am.) i accidentally wished some people a happy destiny. it feels somewhat lovely today.

my english was bad when i was in primary school as i didn't like it enough to study hard. i never thought i would become an English major at that time. i got zero for almost every English dictation when i was primary 4. i had my English workbook hidden behind the fish tank when i was primary 2, and since i was the monitress it gave me certain priviledges to escape punishment.

and then when i got to primary 6 there was this substitute teacher who came, and my attitude towards English completely changed. i was always terribly in love with Chinese before English came knocking on my forehead. the same thing happened with Fine Arts, i was kept afterschool for detention as i did not hand in enough paintings to get a pass. as for those that i handed in, my mom did most of them. but on the 1st week of university life i walked into dr. thomas' class and my eyes sparkled to a whole new world he laid out in front of me.

you never know how one person can just walk into your life and have everything changed, your life altered and your whole future re-drawn.

so that's it for tonight. merry kismet. :)

hello handsome

i don't remember what the world was like when everywhere i went i seemed to run into someone handsome. the "life is good today, a pretty boy looked my way." kind of strange co-incidence used to happen all the time.

it doesn't happen anymore. maybe it was because i always sort of kept my eyes wide open, until i ran into someone i could love, and then the way i looked at things completely changed.

objectively i can still tell who is handsome, and who is not. but you know how you secretly think he is the most handsome boy in the entire universe. you don't even need to go take a walk around the globe to prove it. you simply know it, and you know it for sure. (and you will say it for sure.) it is almost like "i can't do jude law anymore" if you know what i mean.

this summer has been an awesome one. i am more overloaded than i was, but you see, there is this magical thing love can do to a person - it motivates positivity. i have heard all sort of sayings about how you shouldn't try to seek happiness outside yourself, but seriously, there are always people whose presence make you happy, be them family, friends or a lover. i need these people in my life.

i got a little bit overwhelmed in the past few days. i have been feeling like the universe is finally working its way for me.

i want to open a cafe DESPERATELY much. it is the thing i wake up thinking about everyday, i walk around with this desire squeezing my stomach, i swim in the possibilities of it and smile to myself. i keep picturing it over and over again.

is it one of those moments? you know how people encounter certain moments in life in which they feel like they have to risk starting over to take a risk.

anyways, may the universe empowers me, giving me the power, wisdom, courage and love i need.

it is simply preference

that matters. you have only got one life, so you'd rather live it the way you prefer, instead of filling it up with compromises in order to secure the things that make you look good having. we just have to keep in mind that people talk because talk is cheap. people want to have an opinion on everything as long as they have got the right or the chance to. this is human nature.

mom said that it was important for a couple to be able to cook together. they don't have to cook a lot together, but if they are to, let's say, make a meal together, they should be able to do it in harmony instead of argument, such occasional compatibility indicates whether they fit each other.

is food more about how you eat it than what you eat? if that's so, is cooking more about how you cook it than what you cook?

it warmed my heart when he held a little spoon and asked me to taste the sauce while the spaghetti was nearly done. i could be basically useless in the kitchen, except for pouring him wine and giving him kisses. but my presence was as lovely as his "eloquence" in terms of kitchen tools and ingredients.

maybe he is far. but for some mysterious reasons we are compatible.

the secret in G major

it excited me too much knowing a potential sad song resolved to a happy ending, starting from G minor and ending on a G major chord, all those warm whispers did not just disappear like the lyrics might have otherwise indicated (or the lover did not.)

have you ever experienced a nearly crucial moment in your life in which you almost fell in love but you gathered all your strength and senses to make it not happen?

was that the moment you almost fell in love with me?

i am sleeping a lot again lately, which is a good thing for me physically and emotionally, except that i am waking up to the wrong hours again.

bad, bad situation.

i hope my song is coming to a G major. i cannot take this minor sadness (not so minor) anymore.

this love.

i have grown up in a culture in which i am taught that we are supposed to love our parents simply because of the fact that if it weren't for them we wouldn't have been born.

but i love my mother more than that. if it weren't for her i wouldn't be here, but more importantly, i wouldn't have become who i am now. i realise that although i have been through a lot in my life, i have never for a second been without love. i love that she is ever selfless, loving and considerate, but at the same time so tough at mind. she is such a good-hearted and sweet-natured woman. i love her for all that she has given me, and all that she has had inside her.

i must have done something good in the life i had before.

i am ever thankful for having her, the magical light of my little life.

i can wait but i can't wait.

i hop on the thought that i am with my first many things, if not every. the first that i brought home, the first that made me do all those sweet thingys, and did those things with me, the first that realised many of my fairy-tale like fantasies, and the first that i thrust myself on and trusted enough to have ventures with.

i spent a certain amount of time crawling to that lovesickness. it was a massacre i performed on all those butterflies in my stomach. today i have finally regained my senses and energy and become my old self. it is an everyday thing to me missing someone. for some odd reasons i always have someone to think of and about. the other night it struck me that it has been a long time since i last saw my father, and of course that became the night in which he was terribly missed. at one point you keep being reminded of the fact that there are people whom you can't find a way back to in this lively world among all earthly matters.

i think i always go a bit farther. it is how my life, my personality and my attitudes have been shaped. i heard that many girls have their personalities formed based on their first loves. i did not happen to me that way. i have had my most things formed long before i could say i had been close enough to a boy. my first love (despite the million crushes i had before it) came quite late i must say.

but when he said he liked me i felt like i loved him, i freaked out for the departure before the journey had even started, when he held my hand i was all up for getting married, and when he kissed me i was already thinking about babies. i am always few pages ahead of him. life is too short, i can wait but i can't wait, when he realised that he was in love with me i felt like i had already spent centuries falling for him.

but of course i try to behave more like a normal person who progresses with a reasonable pace, taking things step by step and day to day, trying to say "i like you" instead of "i love you" and making myself promise not to write loveletters and poems and at least not to get them delivered unless enough days have been waited or there happens to be a special occasion.

maybe i truly am odd, i hate having to behave like normal. i was born to feel this much and to act, and to react.

anyways, signs of maturity equal having thought about the consequences before your actions and having thought about your actions in the shoes of the other person/other people involved.

i am afraid of august.

mercury is going to be out of phase from 9-26 august, meaning that the murphy's law of whatever can go wrong will go wrong is going to be in full effect. oh no. when was the last time? just checked. it was 30 march - 23 april. i certainly wasn't in a very good state that month, actually, WE weren't in a good state that month. the time before the last time was 20 august - 12 september, 2010. i reckon it was not a good month either. one of these days keeping a blog or a diary becomes one of the most meaningful things you have done, because with that you are then able to look back and check the date and see what happened and know what to do when similar situations rebound.

i have been learning a new song with luna. my skin is bad again and i need an oakmeal treatment. i hope this time we are for real. i have started writing a novel. i may turn it into a play later. i thank god that i live, and i am living life day to day.

hurray! it is weekends again. :)

無故疼惜你

筋竭力疲 莫非真有命理

(不知道是不是因為人大了就很愛懷舊...)

二零一一年八月三日
香港時間凌晨兩分
我只想說我很愛我的曲奇啊！

天涯到海角 頭髮到呼吸

我容易滿足到一個非常容易滿足的地步
但是從小就知道
一個人的付出不在於他付出的多少
而是在於他付出的比例
我就是愛他不愛也不太懂說花言巧語
但對著我也會努力嘗試

每個人都有多少的虛榮
我的虛榮來自所謂的與眾不同
我不用做最好的或是最壞的
我只想做個特別的女人

我只想我的男人覺得我萬中無一
而他待我也是特別的

這份感覺很獨家地甜蜜又美好。