kiss me madonna

today we went to see edvard munch's madonna. after all these years i finally got to see her for real. it was certainly sensual and overwhelming. i often envied my classmates at the fine art department because most of them went travelling to see art after graduation. i was lucky enough to be working in the art field though. this is my fourth time in denmark, can you believe it? with all the toothpain and sickness i thought i wouldnt make it. he has been the sweetest thing to me and it was a lovely traditional danish christmas we had. i love him dearly. and i am scaring myself with how i feel.

誰都不可能

不可能這樣親。血濃於水以外的唯一，讓一個最懶的人，走最遠的路，找尋千里之外的弦外佳音。

有時候會忘記眼睛，但記住了看過的風景；有時候會忘記嘴巴，但想得起說過的話；有時候會忘記輪廓，但忘不了指尖的觸感。

也許還會忘記是為了甚麼而喜歡，但因為喜歡所獲的快樂，總是歷久常新。

漂流記

看罷《少年Pi的奇幻漂流》，心有戚戚然。

若果船上的不是土狼、猩猩、斑馬和老虎，而是Pi、媽媽、廚師和水手，那就是印度人、法國人和日本/中國人；黑皮膚、白皮膚、黃皮膚；印度教、回教、基督教、天主教、佛教；素食者、肉食者、半素食者。土狼殺害猩猩和斑馬都不可怕，老虎要是把全部都吃掉，還是理所當然的，但換了是人，再不同也好，始終都是同類相殘，令人不寒而慄。

但恐怖故事配上了美好風景。奇幻的風光令人忘記現實的醜陋，滿天的飛魚，滿海的水母，那一尾鯨魚，那一夜的暴風雨，清清的海洋，漫天的雲霞，如詩如畫，眼前盡是唯美景致，即使人在血腥裡，還是神服於自然。

其實故事從一開始就揭了盅，Pi的爸爸早就說過，動物的情感只是人的主觀投射，船難後的動物，也只是人的主觀投射，當人化成了動物，倒令人心安理得一些。

Pi對神的讚美那麼似曾相識，風雨千尺浪，是神的造化，有魚送上門來，酬謝神的恩，神讓你受苦，又給你眷顧，祂沒離棄你，去到絕處給你助一把，讓你整頓旗鼓重新出發。

我常常告訴自己：你不開心，是因為你不明白，不過神的恩典夠你用的，儘管你只有信仰，沒有宗教。

Pi的漂流令我想到了信天翁 (albatross)，浪漫主義時期裡頭那個陳年水手的罪孽與救贖。

耕耘

我想我是個喜愛工作的人，
尤其當我的工作就是寫作。
有時候，雖然會在座位上發呆，
把頭髮都抓亂了，
字字碰壁碰到一鼻子灰，
但每次寫的得到老闆首肯，
又開心到飛起。

不經不覺在這裡差不多一年了。
頭九個月捱得不容易，
現在可以與老闆直接對話真好，
起碼他喜歡不喜歡我都有個譜。

但願我也有字字珠璣的一天，
不再在曲高和寡裡閉門造車。

together they made a tree.

their branches created a tight embrace,
all the way down to their roots, deep in the earth,
two in one, and one as two --
one half woman, and one half man.

this is one old story told many times.

today we ordered pizza for dad's birthday.
the weather is gloomy.
my dress is too long.
the delivery guy had with him
some very old songs.

everything feels like a mismatch today.
i need some sunshine.

悠悠

在生時叫生日，不在時叫生忌。
明天是爸爸的生忌。

原來這樣又一年，日子過得那麼快。
轉下眼又一星期，轉下眼又一個月。
但每次轉眼都是一次漫長的虛空。

寫作讓人很易哭，
其實都沒有甚麼大不了，
就是很想念很想念而已。

人生裡，有多一個人在身邊
已經很不同。
每個人都有每個人的意義，
走了一個，
就覺得世界很小，
而且好像怎樣也沒法大起來了。

每年生忌、死忌，我都為你寫一篇，
到我活得夠久了，
就結集成書，
誌那一輩子悠悠的思念。

有些感覺不好跟人說，
跟人說要說開心快意的、無關痛癢的、說了就算的。
偶然在這裡寫寫，就當是跟全世界都說了一遍。

生日快樂。
還有一分鐘，這個世界，
距離你的誕生日72年。

五年了，有個沒有你的年代
過了一半。

昨夜夢見他

11月是個追逝的時節。

夜來幽夢，乍暖還寒時候，最難將息。

很久沒見了，久違了的臉，
像個小孩子般，嚷著說要吃麥當奴。
今天晚上，我買了魚柳包和薯條。
身前會做的，身後都一樣，說我迷信也好─

因為我是您的叻叻女。

似水流年
留下只有思念
一串串
永遠纏

在遠方有個忘憂國，住著我最親的人，
埋藏了我半生的福份。

obama fever

i think i am having an obama fever.

public affection.
declaration of love.
affirmation.
making a statement.
the grand gesture.

oh dear.
that's charisma --
the ultimate kind.

i don't know where i heard this, but once i heard
a real man makes other women envy his woman.

there you go mr president.

i sound crazy because i write.

not everyone writes about how they feel, but i do. i think people are not so different. they may not express themselves as much and often, they still feel the same things in their hearts. it's just that they are better at keeping quiet. or, instead of writing things out, they talk to someone.

i think it's a cool thing knowing how to keep quiet.

i don't want to talk. i just want to write at the moment -- at these moments. nothing expresses me better than words written, not even my voice.

i am quiet, too. loud are my thoughts. 

something is wrong with my mood. it can't be pms! it's still too early!

"today i sit here and copy my heart."

i waited all day yesterday, patiently. i got the pen and papers ready.
i planned to rush home after work, have dinner, take a shower.
when i reached home i cleared out some space on my messy desk,
and have the stationery well placed, letterheads pressed straight.
i took out my favourite long dress, i got it this late summer.
it is too long for me to go out with, but long enough for me to feel safe in.
i thought of sitting by the desk in the twilight, beginning the oldest form of love ritual --
writing a loveletter. i had the first sentence well composed,
"today i sit here and copy my heart."

but after shower, the plan failed.
the poetess disappeared. i felt tired, going to bed without falling asleep.
when i was concious again it was already eight in the morning.
i thought i would do it tonight, i thought
i would rush home and have dinner,
and shower.
but it was suddenly rainy and cold,
and i forgot the pens and papers at work.

i should have worn my least liked shoes.

so the rain does not get its hands on my most loved ones,

and have them ruined.

我們是最趕的人。

我們也是最不趕的人。
今晚公司慶功宴，坐在幾位前輩之間，聽他們懷緬往惜，
如何如何，小時候放學就奔回家裡，扭開收音機，
如何如何，守候一張唱片面世。
我也曾經趕忙過，感覺像等不了下課，
立刻就要去唱片鋪買唱片，
買了也趕不及回家去播，
先拆了封膠，路上邊走邊看歌詞也好。
多少年沒有那樣著迷過？
那份熱情還真可愛。
現在我沒有甚麼趕不趕了，因為有了youtube，
因為可以google，甚麼都不用再趕。
現在趕東趕西是趕工作，也趕著去會我親愛的。

香港人是最趕的人，因為我們趕著超前，
別人休息的時間，我們用來加班。

但我們也是最不趕的人，
也許都趕，
但趕頭趕命都趕不及準時上班、下班。

今天晚上，有個老前輩唱《東方之珠》，
我還感動得很。
多少年了，東方之珠，我的愛人。

還有陳百強，還有鄧麗君，還有還有，很多很多。
聽到舊歌才懂得震撼，詞填得那麼好，
新人其實真的不及舊人。

從何時開始，我覺得：愈老套愈有型。
我總是發現自己活得很脫節，那麼留戀
逝去的美好。陳舊成了品味。只有在逝去的空間裡，
生活才慢得下來，不用趕了。

長夜空虛使我懷舊事

幾百年前的畫，幾十年前的歌。
幾百年前的詩，幾十年前的戲。

造句

我很愛一個丹麥人。

有一個丹麥人

很

愛

我

。

nothing to envy

i went through the 292 pages in fear. but what i had to go through were merely words composing stories of people i don't know. the frightening part is that those stories were lived by real people, and those people are not living far. the distance between me in hongkong and people in north korea are not that great in terms of time and geographical difference, and that is what freaks me out the most.

forgive my ignorance, but if it were africa, i might still think it were a bit far from me. and if it happened in the 19th century, or even the early 20th century, i could consider it a part of history. you know there is injustice sometimes and most-where, and most of us are too focused on our own lives to care. but getting to know north korea in the 90s and even the present is like taking a sneak peek at a murder happening next door.

the unusual silence behind that closed door has become so loud and noisy that you are no longer able to pretend nothing is happening. on a side note, i reckon that what has made the system stand would be the manipulation of fear among the people. paulo coelho is right in one of his books, "the devil and miss prym" --

if you want to control someone, all you have to do is to make them feel afraid.

any man has his hell within easy reach, and that's his love for his family.

at first it was for the fear that without this god-like fatherly ruler, they would have been dead for long. and then it was for the fear of the evil capitalism, and the enemies it created. and then it was for the fear of not being able to get into the party, or the fear of being placed at the lowest of the system, and being kept away from all privileges. and then it was for the fear of getting arrested, beaten, sent to labor camp, being kept away from family and friends, or being killed, or even worse, being executed in public.

but when the circumstances get harder, people fear less. the more you have to lose the more you have to fear. undoubtedly a tough case -- there is always something to lose, something larger than life that you think you'd rather suffer or die than lose.

self-portraits

they say it's better to find a boyfriend who loves photograph, so all you do is to smile, and he will take charge of the photo-taking.

my mom is into photography. she took loads of photos of my dad, and when we were little. i guess she thinks it helps her remember moments in life. i am glad that she likes taking photos, her habit has become stacks of photo albums at home. some of the memories long lost in my mind, she has helped to keep record of.

but now i am old and the age is digital. now when we take photographs they are seldom candid, instead they are staged, and we pose. standard face, standard smile. most of my photographs are simply uncool.

luckily i have a little sister, who is generous enough to help me take photos sometimes, (considering how troublesome i can be when it comes to photo-taking, i am never quite satisfied with how i look...) when i feel pretty enough to want to be remembered, or when i want a photo sent to my boyfriend. but most of the time i take my own photos, in my own room.

it may sound a bit pathetic. but my boyfriend is not into photography, and the camera doesn't really love me. it is just extremely difficult to get a photo of a good scenery with me looking good in it. occasionally my mom takes photos of me with her phone camera, but most of the time it is just me and my own existence. no one is bothered enough to capture anything. maybe it's the same with everyone else.

sometimes i am afraid that one day i may wake up to be 70, and i don't have any photos of the young me looking pretty. it will feel so lonely when my memories become my only and very own private access to my past. 

but i am not the only one to do these self-portraits. andy warhol did it, van gogh did, too, and durer was a big fan of it. even when it is not about depicting how the artist looks like, it is still about expressing how the artist feels like. that's why i am here blogging, and when i am not here i am still writing, sometimes a poem, sometimes a letter, sometimes a novella, and sometimes whatever. it may be because of self-love, but it is not entirely that i think, it is also about getting a grip of my own existence. 

otherwise life will pass by without much left. since i was little i have been afraid of how fast life passes lives by. it is almost too fast for us to live.

美人魚之夢

昨天下午睡了個午覺，夢中遇見位位都是美人魚。
人身魚尾，還懂得站立，還漂亮得很。

周公解夢：夢見美人魚象徵愛情甜蜜。

其實近這一年半載以來，都已經甜蜜得過了火。
有時想起三年前的相處，還真驚訝今天竟然如此。
誰會想到呢？我曾經還以為我們一別就一世了。
還記得有天捲縮在沙發上哭得很淒涼，那時連媽媽都拿我沒辦法。

自從認識他之後，無論過了多久，心裡浮沉的一直是要見面的念頭。
初相識、男朋友、舊情人，好朋友，又男朋友。

我只想一直回到他的身邊，那樣的話，所有的等待都值得了。

真愛離不開。

sometimes i forget.

sometimes i forget about things. 

things like who i am, where i am, why i am who and what i am, my own name, and my connection to other people. in these moments of blankness i feel myself out of context. 

i am not sure if this feeling is normal. 

it feels like i am suddenly where i am, and i cannot relate to my surroundings. 

昨夜煙花多璀璨

終於人為煙花亡。

難道萬里晴空不好看，
寧看滿天星光披煙裳？

八時多撞船，九時煙花放，
多少生命，一夜殞落，

還有甚麼可喜可賀？


好一回傷城記，慶了一個城的傷。

船都沉了，孩子在海裡掙扎，
那煙花在上空燒得正旺，
撒了漫天漫地的鹽巴─

諷刺得令人雞皮疙瘩的一幕，

想起都覺得痛。

my hot lemon tea

i think it is silly of me to be upset about something as silly as this, but that was my lemon tea. i have no idea how that whole thing happened. it was simply ridiculous. Y was hungry, and i was, too. so we decided to order afternoon tea, which came with a set, a pork chop bun and a drink. 

so X, who helped us call the restaurant, asked what i wanted to drink, i said hot lemon tea. she said that was not wise, she could make one for me. i said no, i wanted a hot lemon tea. she said no. she said lemon honey then. i said no. i wanted a hot lemon tea. she told me to give K the lemon honey then. i asked if K wanted it. K was busy working. and i felt that it didn't worth the time to fuss around, so i said okay.

but it was not okay. now i think about it. it was my money, i had the right to decide if i wanted to waste it. it was not like i would mind sharing with my colleague. but it was ridiculous how X thought she could control what i should have for my afternoon tea. K didn't even say that she wanted a drink.

X said she would make me a hot lemon tea. i said no. i could make it myself. she said no, and asked me to let her do it. i said no. she asked why. i said i only drank lemon tea made by my mom, restaurants or myself. 

why couldn't i have the hot lemon tea which i actually paid for?

tell me not to be silly, it was just a hot lemon tea. but you see, for some reasons it is in most cases the tea you get with your afternoon tea that perfects your afternoon tea. that was okay if it was my decision not to get it, or if the money for it didn't come from my own pocket.

1. i didn't enjoy fussing over an afternoon tea set. 

2. i didn't enjoy being near anyone who thought they had the right or power to control me.

3. it was my hot lemon tea that i wanted for my afternoon tea!

i am sorry. this is stupid. i am sorry for myself because it almost felt like i was bullied. 

and then i went to a meeting at a cafe after work, i did not want anything at first but there was a minimum charge, so i ended up ordering a hot lemon tea, which i didn't pay for, my friend did, because i did not have any money with me and he was nice.

at last i got what i wanted. but i am upset the whole time.

one weekend on flu, another weekend on period.

why am i living my life this way?

i am incredibly fed up. i want to break free.
i have no idea HOW.

i lie awake at night

for you. and i pray

we cross the deepest oceans,

cargo across the sea and

if you don't believe me, 

just put your hands on me.

i know my heart and it will never change. 

i am not good at remembering things, maybe that's because i rely heavily on writing for things to be remembered. days that i haven't written about feel like days that have never been lived.

these days i write day and night, when i am not writing, i think about writing still.

my boss has approved today all names i gave to the art pieces, and i am very glad. :D

i feel that i am improving each day. i don't know for how long i can stay here, but so far i am trying to make the most out of it, taking every work day as a day to learn new things and fine-tune myself.

i love literature. i think it is the coolest things in the universe. i just hope that more people will get to see the beauty of this heritage of humanity.

瓜與葛

瓜、葛都是蔓生植物，其藤攀隨在別的物體上。

《傻痴痴》的歌詞
有句「我每晚都跟你夢中輕私語」，
看到想起《長恨歌》的「夜半無人私語時」，
中間有套港產靈異片
叫《夜半無人屍語時》。

謝霆鋒有首《玉蝴蝶》
中學的時候，有個同學是hide的fans，
當時氣沖沖告訴我，
謝霆峰學hide玩蝴蝶。
《玉蝴蝶》是中國著名詞牌，
我懷疑是林夕讀得書多，不關hide事，
但原來是謝霆鋒偶爾
看到一種叫「玉蝴蝶」的花。

50年代有《仙樂飄飄處處聞》(The Sound of Music)，
《紫釵記》裡的一句
是「處處仙音飄飄送」。

一個遊園，一個驚夢，
從湯顯祖《牡丹亭》，
到白仙勇，到郭富城。

「雙飛翼」可以是李商隱的《無題》，
也可能只是雞翼，
雞翼都可能「心有靈犀一點通」，
反正炸到金黃都是彩鳳，
一碟兩隻就是「比翼雙飛」。

為何藕斷又絲連？
像一個小秘密，承受無數無知的嘲笑，
賺你一抹會心微笑。

sunday

3pm. sundays are often about sleep when hugo and his brother are not here. 

i spent a whole weekend looking through websites on jewelry writing and copywriting, this job is actually quite cool. only in the creative industry can your random thoughts be put into use and earn you money. i love that idea, saw it from mike catherall's blog. he came to hong kong in 2007 to look for a permanent copywriting job, and ended up in Ogilvy, which is yet another amazing story. what is more fascinating is that after he spent a year in Ogilvy, he went back to Canada to spend a year on writing a book, he ended up publishing his first children book within the timeline he set for himself.

and then i look at myself. i thought i always sort of followed an invisible path, i never knew where i would end up, but the feeling was there to lead me through bricks and blocks. since i was 10 i dreamt of being a writer, and now i am one, at least it is printed on my business card, and i get paid for it every month. the great thing is that it is also about art, a passion that occurred to me when i had the first lecture of fine arts. i simply thought that art was great like a handsome boy, you looked at his bright smile and you felt immediately happy. it was a pleasure on its own. 

i am a jewelry writer, and i work for a jewelry master. it satisfies my passionate being and my big ego.

i have an opinion regarding what my friend's lawyer friend said about the communication of a long distance couple being limited to "updating" each other. if you only "update" each other, it is only because you are not creative enough. instead of "updating", i call that "sharing", and sometimes "surprising". it is difficult being apart, i crave him like hell. but in a way i also think that if you cannot survive the distance, you cannot survive many things that come with life later when you both grow older -- things that are larger than our physical presence, and those things take tougher hearts and a stronger connection to deal with.

in a way it is also about independence, being my own woman, cultivating my spiritual and physical self. 

i hope that he likes what is in the mail. :)

august

the writing month.

there are certain things i know in life.
one of those things is that, when life is bad, write it better.
everything will be well again if you just write on.

but maybe that applies only to those who write.

困獸鬥

我常常都在家裡，放工回家，放假都在家。
沒有甚麼地方特別想去，
想去的地方都太遙遠了，甚至不存在。
最喜歡一家人坐著聊天、開玩笑，
最享受三五知己圍坐喝咖啡、談生活、說理想。

在家的時候，就寫。
寫著寫著，人也高興起來，心亦舒坦了。
天份只有這個，總算能靠這少少的天份，
加上很大的努力，賺兩餐吃。
理想本來就很貴。

捱下去會怎樣呢？
我也無法想像。
都走到這裡，想必也是命中注定。
努力眼前就是了。

scared

what scares me is that i don't remember anymore how i lived some of the days i lived. when i look back i recollect only some parts and bits, and no more.

兩情若是久長時，又豈在朝朝暮暮

因為，你知道，
金風玉露一相逢，
便勝卻人間無數。

與現代人談戀愛，
永遠都談不通。
可能我的思想很古板。

分別或者是，
有些人為了拍拖而愛人，
有些人為了愛人而拍拖，
甚或為了愛人而愛人，
拖都不用拍。

花上一年去靜靜守待，
終於等到的三個字，
就是所謂的苦心經營。

我不知道我們可以走多久。
但反正愛是命中注定，
就只能愛這一個人了。

北方有佳人，絕世而獨立。

生命的奇蹟，從相信開始。

午夜驚魂

夜裡變得很警醒，電話一震就睜開眼。無他，為了時差，為了想念一個人，為了想他想自己。

其實都一起這麽久了，一直相愛的話都說好了，但我還是戒不掉初戀的忐忑。

明明知道怎樣佔上風，還是心甘情願讓自己佔了下風。

請明瞭 我心痴
能日後地老天荒因為儍開始
我每晚都跟你夢中輕私語
言無盡將不會停止 :)

蒙古來的菩薩

他把在蒙古得來的菩薩給了我。
也許是因為我像水上人一樣，
一直活在風浪當中。

這樣的祝福，來自一個
我從未去過的地方，
這樣輾轉的，想當然是緣份。

多謝菩薩。

滿地都是連理枝

枝枝都是同心結。

我就陪您一直飛。

若比翼鳥當息，就雙棲一棵樹，化枝偕連理，落地同生根。

being needed

every woman shares this same instinct and makes this same mistake of needing to be needed. the strong will of a woman's existence comes from being needed by people, parents, siblings, lover, friends, colleagues and children, it makes her feel her existence meaningful. she doesn't mind and won't be scared -- it actually makes her brave -- when she is needed. she feels like she can do anything, as long as the things she does aren't just for herself. it makes her feel useless  when her existence becomes unnecessary to others. it is strange but it happens. sometimes she even wants more to be needed than be loved.

angels hear you

and they heal you. i believe in all the good things in the world, making wishes to caterpillars, rats, snakes and spiders, and wishing upon stars and moon. my mom always tells me to think only of the good, when situations are bad, think of the better. this is how she has got us through the toughest hours. no one can stop you from dreaming, and all the dreams that ever came true are always originated from some hopeful beings. expectations are not exactly healthy, but hopes are vital for survival. i think i had a lovely day today. a decent dose of sweetness and light.

no cure

there is no cure to this. at the end of each day, no matter how occupied i have made myself, the same longing invades my heart and steals my senses. i believe that it means something if you wake up and go to bed with the same desire everyday. it is about chasing after what is destined. it is the alchemist's calling. no matter where you go - you are free to go - but you always go back to where the treasure already is. there is only one thing almost as important as yourself and all the bloodrelated matters - the bud of the bud of the tree called life. beneath it all, the seed of that something that makes the world goes around.

love and in love.

i was told that if i loved a person, i should tell him, instead of updating my facebook status. oh. but when i love a person, i want to go on a rooftop and scream out loud. in cases that i can't do accordingly, for i live in a quiet village with neighbors who are early sleepers, i have this urge i don't know how to deal with. so i found some papers and wrote it over. 3 words, 8 letters. no use. i sigh and  sigh till my mom is annoyed. i want to envelope my heart and mail it over, if that helps. i am afraid most of my boss' upcoming art pieces will somehow all share the touches of my melancholy. if i have to tell him i will have to say it too many times. i think it's a wonderful thing that you are in love with the person you love, and that you are able to love the person you are in love with. i could hardly tell the difference, but now i can. the same person, all these years. there is a love spell once you cast you cannot repel, and the one that i have, was cast long before i knew it. i love you honey.

enough

here i have come to a point where i think i have whined enough. now i am going to start being my old self (one of my old selves), the version of me who was always sort of in a silly way grateful for the littlest joy in life, and the slightest kindness from people. i shall work very hard for my boss, and write as beautifully as i can for him. simply because i happen to appear in one of the most important years in his life, (and we have now come to the most important month of this year) i have to try my best to do this well, for this man has happened to put his trust in me. so bye bye office politics. bye bye power-and-control. i am ready to care as little as i can, and write on. my heart will be in my words. this is the month. fifty pieces of jewelry. here we go. my angel will give me grace.

when he is not around...

i don't remember how it was like when he was not around.
how did i survive last year,
and the year before?
i have no idea now.

i read books, tried to learn a new language, played the piano,
played guitar with my little sister,
i wrote a lot, i even started drawing...

i hanged out with my friends.
i worked like insane.

oh. but now all my motivation for anything else has disappeared.
maybe it's because of my sick stomach,
maybe it's because it's only the first week.

maybe it's because i am having my period,
which is usually incredibly depressing.

but maybe the truth is
the 6 months without time difference
and the day to day conversation
have made him my best friend.
the time we spent together, happy, sad or sick,
the trust and safety,
have made him my family.

he is more than a lover now.
"boyfriend" seems too shallow a word.

i feel like i have lived a life i never lived.
very uncanny it is.

最後兩三天

多得南丫島的車仔麵，
我的甜蜜假期得在持續十多次的嘔吐中作結。
沒法把親愛的送往機場，
我傷心得不能自己。
吃少一餐不會死，
為何事情偏偏這樣發生了。
現在我吃少了很多餐。

不過這樣才知道怎樣去愛一個人，
是在她病得一塌糊塗的時候，
對她不離不棄。
在她吐得一地都是的時候，
提著她的長髮，
呵呵她的肩膀，為她清理，
之後還要照顧她的吃喝。

兩個星期的日子，
我沒法每天都漂亮。
我們也沒法每天都完全快樂。
從前每個假期
都是盡地一鋪的假期。
兩年前的不計了。
重新開始後的
五天、八天、五天、三天、三天......
每次都是最漂亮的、
最浪漫的、最動人的。
因為時光那麼短。
這次我們活得像一對腳踏實地的情侶。

終於，雙人床又成了單人床，
幾個鐘頭之後，
他又身處世界的另一邊了。

不久之前，他明明還在這裡。

這半年就這樣過去了，
時間過得很快也很慢，
日子很短也很長。

要再見面，不知道要等多久。
就讓我們一直相思下去。

明天就要病好了，
然後開始全情投入，努力工作。

you cannot control what other people think of you, you can at most minimize your existence to a mysterious point.

i love my job. i love everything i have worked my best for. just that it exhausts me and leaves me no life. if i continue there will not be much of me left. my job to me is like rodin to camile claude and i certainly do not want to end up the way she did.

i have lived a long life combined of extreme good and extreme bad. i do not know how to explain to people why i am how i am now, or why i react to certain things in certain ways. i would spill my heart out if someone would listen.

that is why i keep a blog, maybe this is stupid. but i have things deep-rooted in my heart that i have always wished i can let out. i am the kind of person that when matters of the heart are touched my throat tightens and turns sore. thus most of the time when i am serious, i cannot speak without crying, or i cannot speak at all.

i mind not being the poor working girl because i understand that poverty has nothing to do with dignity. and then i thank god for this talent i get for free. for sure i am not the best in the field, or any field, yet at least i am not bad either, and i am trying still.

life is a choice. i could have turned a blind eye to those i have never met. i might have been able to lead a carefree life now if i have chosen to treat myself better. but then an old lady and her grandchildren would stave and stray. the children would be deprived of their rights to education simply because the world was not fair to begin with. and then there would be no hopes for them in life thereafter. or maybe it is indeed because i knew i somehow would torture myself with guilt if i decided to let them be. many things that i did, people described as a waste of efforts. but nothing that i gave was truly wasted.

maybe i knew how it felt because i knew what it was like when school was about to start and we were smothered by scary numbers about books and fees, living on the edge of going homeless, or circumstances alike. when something bad happened to you, you wouldn't have the heart to see the same happened to others. life to me has been a rather long roller-coaster. some days it was too good, and some days it was hell.

it all goes back to all the little things in a person's life that contribute to the person as how he/she is today. if love is shallow then you would not have been born. every little choice you make in your present time marks a turn in your future. maybe i am dramatic, i certainly worry too much sometimes, for things that may or may not happen to those i love. but maybe if you have encountered a sudden death in your life, or the loss of someone you value more than your own life, you can somehow have a better understanding of why some people are the way they are.

the easiest way to live is to live without the expectation of being understood. your life is your own to be responsible for, and thy self is your own to know and love. if you can, love others, too. and then for many other things, there is really not much you can do. you cannot control what other people think of you, you can at most minimize your existence to a mysterious point. build walls, and let no one sees you. but we somehow always wish we can somehow be found somewhere, by at least one person, no matter how secretive our hiding places are made to be.

just some random thoughts. haven't written anything for myself for quite a long while.

此刻的我非常厭世

我無法再忍受這個爭名逐利的社會，
幾多的仁義道德
已淪為粉飾表面的手段。
如果有良心，又怎麼忍心
以草根作為踏腳石。
任你扶搖直上九萬里？
你的驕傲只是小圈子裡的圍威喂。

一將攻城萬骨枯，
都叫是為了國家存亡。
殿堂裡的指揮家，
面對枯城，指手劃腳，
造詣再高又怎樣，
如果藝術貴乎真善美，
不真也不善，何來美？

8th july, 2008

4 years ago today we saw dad off in the hospital, and came back home i felt my self emptied. i remember holding mom to sleep, mourning dad with tears, reciting stories of our past. that was the end to a life we lived. sometimes when i think about it, the pain is still here.

斷線

今天我們相識以來
第一次傾電話。
平時視像會面不算。
我們其實都有電話恐懼症，
電話聽得久會耳仔痛，
這麼多年都是短訊傳情。
(其實都不是很多年，
但原來都三年多了。)

可是傾不夠兩分鐘就會斷線，
於是來來回回打了廿多次電話，
只為延續那久違了的聲音和對話。

我的靈感來自我的情，
(可能所有以文字藝術維生的人都是這樣─
都只能這樣。)
我的情滋養我的人生，
因為我天生特別喜歡愛人，
認識的人、不認識的人，
我總是差隻腳埋去，
再一頭裁進去。

但我的生命裡，
沒有甚麼比人更重要。
我會很虔誠地守候我珍愛的，
但時來的時候要珍惜。

有些事情你試一次就夠，
有些痛夠你受一輩子。

你試過一天回到家裡，
發現本來會等你的人，
原來已經等不了嗎？
話都說不了，反應都給不了。
你試過看著你的摯親
在病床上生不如死嗎？
其實已經盡了所能，
日夜都陪在身邊了，
但是如果可以活多一次，
我還是會給他更多的時間。

沒甚麼的，只因為值得，
賺少一分錢又怎麼樣。
到了某個最關鍵的關節眼，
你真的只想傾家盪產去買回一分鐘，
但你知道你就算傾家盪產都買不回那分鐘。

如果你問我，
我的人生經驗太多了，
而決定我價值觀的事情，
早早就發生了。

midnight honey mask

two spoons of honey,
one spoon of sugar,
and a few drop of lemon juice.
mix all together,
and scrub your face with it,
let it stay there,
until you are tired enough to sleep.

if it goes onto your lips, just lick it.
it is totally delicious.

wash it off before bedtime, and there
an awesome feel on your skin. :)



p.s. honey & sugar heal scars and cure pimples,
while lemon brightens your skin.

my boyfriend got me a green dress.

and it fits me perfectly well,

and i love it awfully much.

the ice-cream van

i don't know where this weakness is coming from, it attacks me from all directions and from everywhere. it is merely a flu, or actually, just a sore throat and headache, why am i so affected?

i want to cry any minute now. and the ice cream van is happily singing outside. i can't even cheer myself up with a vanilla ice cream because of this sickness.

maybe i fear. every departure leaves in me some fear. i am afraid of giving my heart out and seeing it crushed. i want to be strong and independent but i have forgotten how.

i love him. for this i am doomed. now that he loves me, i fear, for it gives me something to lose.

life is so tiring. is there a happiness that does not come with fear? where is my courage? i was once famous for it.

this job to me is like a painful relationship.

you keep thinking of leaving, but you go back everyday still because you love it.
there is this commitment, there is this sense of responsibility, there is this thing about sticking with your own choice. thus i carry on.

life is pretty much about going back to each other now.

this longing between us

won't stop.

sometimes i stare at an empty space

and all i can see is his face.

"i dream of you even when i'm awake."

he gave me a doll, a lovely rabbit/bear creature.

i have never hugged a thing so much

other than a human.

he said it is to keep me companied while he is away.

i find us quite special, quite nice,

and in quite a lot of love. :)

the last of cheri

cheri pulled the trigger because he could not find the woman he loved anymore. the most tragic thing is that she was not dead. she was alive, and quite lively, just that she was nothing like the woman he used to know.

he indulged himself in all her blue eyes photographed, listening to recited stories of her youth. and then he put a bullet in his head.

oh dear. and that was the last of cheri.

this book did an amazingly good job as i did not notice how i felt for cheri and lea until the story ended. i guess something about them might have developed in me, that's why i feel so sad now all of a sudden.

scarier than time is the pace of ageing. 

情歸何處

這份相思
不知是要跟我回家，
還是跟他回家，
還是索性把它丟在酒店、機場、
火車站... ...
這是見面的代價。
近近地去了轉深圳，
在寶安機場送別
哭成了淚人。

我以為慢慢就會習慣。

可是相見太難、
相處太容易，
分別就太難。

其實我不怕等。

相思好似巨浪
席捲我的知覺。

近日沒怎麼寫，因為我詞窮了。
我有一種寫不出來的滿足。

我們都找到天使了。:)

all good things

we are all different. a scorpion is just as good as a cicada, as a rabbit is just as good as a snake, or there is actually no good and bad. if most of us work against our nature, the universe shall stop functioning. in my mom's culture, it is especially good being a monk. they see it as a merit.

but if we are all monks, then there's no love, no sex, no reproduction, no next generation. the world will cease to be. (maybe that's the termination of all sufferings in life. but is the sweetness not worthwhile?)

so there is this one thing i cannot understand.

we can't all be everything or nothing. each of us has to do our part, though we are different, no one is especially good as no one is especially bad.

tao is when all things are the same as all things are different.

it was said in to kill a mockingbird that we are only equal in the courtroom.

shall laws be by nature or by us?

i have to stop reading about serial killers... :/
(but if he loves her, how could he kill her?)

「只要我們在一起，好事就會發生。」

我曾經這樣寫過，
我相信我曾經有一刻這樣相信過。
當時的所有，我甚麼都沒有留低。

到了最後，最好和最不好的事情都發生了。
當我在幾萬呎的高空上穿過雲海的時候，
來自尼泊爾的女孩千叮萬囑我不可以自欺欺人。

於是，一個故事結束了，
本來的那個故事又繼續。

真空了的一年，
好像沒有活過一樣。
他也很少提起，
到底我們當時都怎麼了，
為何藕斷會絲連？

我幾乎就永遠都不再屬於他，
我們幾乎永遠都不再見面。

只差一點點，
就足以陰差陽錯一輩子。

sometimes it makes you feel like banging your head on the wall.

i know that's not exactly what people call sanity, but maybe it is sane to be insane. it is just a feeling that crawls up in you. yep. oh i dreamt of a snail, a big fat sticky one right next to my shoulder, i don't remember if i got it from my naps or the long sleep last night.

i constantly feel that life is unreal. it is all too far from me, whatever i have been through, or felt, they have become some floating pieces on the stream of memories. when i lie on my own bed, which was how i spend this sunday, i feel so distant from everything.

and my memory is not clear. it is all vague somehow. 

sometimes life is more like a painstaking read. you think you can just throw the book away, since there are still too many pages and the story is awfully long, and you have got to the part right before changes are about to take place, and you don't know if changes are good or bad.

but if you throw it away you know you will spend the rest of your life wondering about the ending.

i am scared of things certain and uncertain, particularly of the idea that most things about life are things you pick up on the way.

oh period please come.

因為我們會消失

因為走到最後，我們都不再存在；
因為我們現在擁有的所有，
終於都會化為烏有，
我們的身軀亦非不朽。

我努力去回想，
甚至連上星期發生的
事情的始末細節都忘記了。
我的記性很差，
我去過甚麼地方旅行，
看過甚麼，如果我不抽些時間拍張照片，
用片字隻語留個記認，
我再用心去追尋
都只找得一片空白。

我與他不見面一個月，
就連他的輪廓都覺得模糊，
這不是愛與不愛的問題，
我都不知道愛甚麼，
如果所有外在的價值都微不足道，
而回憶本身又非重點，
愛沒有原因，
細心數算後，
所有的落差，
都只是命運。

因為我們會消失，
所以我用文字
在回憶的黑洞
作垂死的掙扎，
我不是要把人生化作詩篇，
(如果可以也沒有甚麼不好。)
只是想要用以詞語建構的世界
成就一個永恆的可能。

只有我寫過的，才是我活過的。
也不是往往要用白紙黑字記下來，
但就是在腦海中也好，
也得把經歷化成文字，
閉上眼睛，像默唸一本書，
恐怕映像是無息的，
我是個用文字來思考的人。

故宮之外

幾天以前我又回到他的身邊。 

愈來愈熟悉的人，感覺愈來愈親，
萬一我們終究不能在一起，
他至少忘不了，
有過這樣的一個女孩子，
為他走很遠的路，
摔了狠狠的一次，
還是會帶著疤痕，
他走到那裡，她就到那裡。 

因為我們很相愛。

我常常都覺得我像負了整個世界一樣，
好像若果我是為了快樂而去見面，
就會是一種自甘墮落的奢侈。 

可是我也都只是這樣活一次，
沒有下一次了， 也不可能重新活過來，
而我也跟自己說定了，
就愛這一個人， 就讓這一個人愛我。 

愛情也是基本權利，
沒有愛情這世界又怎麼轉。
我才二十多歲，
但很多人都忘記了，
這是個往後一切都得在此下決定的年紀，
我不能在三十多歲才想到自己。

那天我們去了紫禁城，
他牽著我的手，
滿天都是蒲公英。

honeycomb lover.

i love you.
you love me.

漫步潘家園

三月的最後一個周末，他為我們找到了五星級的家。兩個流浪的人，走到那裡，家就在那裡。住到那裡，那裡就是家。閒逛以後，我們總是不自覺地向對方說：「let's go home!」其實只是要回到酒店吧了，可是只要陪在對方身邊，甚至不需要適應，已經找到了所謂的安全感和歸屬感。

我連要去那裡都不知道，就上了飛機。一些資料搜集都沒有做過，就出發了。在機場的士站，兩個造夢的人在長龍裡說要等候豪華房車，上了的士，我才知道我們要去的地方叫潘家園。夜深了，司機邊開著車邊釣著魚，兩眼都快要睜不開了，我試著在後座唱歌為他打氣，可是好像沒有用，幸好我們最終安全到步。

酒店對著一個大湖景，湖的對面是一個古色古香的大型公園，要付兩個人仔入場費，入面有很多樹幹被塗上白油的樹，天氣很冷，沒有花開，湖邊停泊著天鵝小船，園內又有石林雕刻，不過我們總是午後才出門，逛了一會兒，天已經黑了。

星期六的下午，我們在周圍閒逛，那是個很安靜的地方，人不多，很多人都濃眉大眼，輪廓深深，說著不似北京話的方言。遠處看見一間小舖，只有一個嬸嬸，穿著白衣，坐在一角，我告訴他說，我好像穿越時空去了另外一個年代的地方，如果我走上前去與人搭訕，我可能只會得到時空錯亂的回答，好像開了一份檔案，入面全部都是亂碼，好像走進了一幅平面的老畫，一直走都走不回本來那個世界。一切都很uncanny。

走著走著，我們去到了一個古董、玉器市場，滿地都是寶，可是我還未懂得看，但珠寶作家在異地偶遇珠寶檔攤，好像是在我最想逃離工作的時候，給了我甚麼啟示，我生平偏偏最相信命中注定這回事。

我問他，為甚麼只要跟他在一起，就算沒有任何計劃，都一樣浪漫呢？他笑著說我總是情話連篇。

我會陪你走，

走最遠的路，

去那裡都好。

不能錯過的

人生中

有些事情是不能錯過的

陪伴家人的時間

錯過了一天

都覺得很多

你知道嗎

你每次離開他們

都冒著一個訣別的險

你可能會覺得我很誇張

如果你有試過

與摰親說了再見之後

原來下輩子才能再會

如果你有試過

一離家 一回家

已經找不回

一直坐在那裡等待的

那些人

今天終於有些時間
又有機會 又有少少能量

親親我親愛的兩位小男孩

小朋友大得很快

一眨眼 人又高了 說話又流利了

幸好 這麼久沒見了 還會親親我

還會讓我親親

還會說喜歡我

還會說大姑姐漂亮

可能你會覺得一天半天

為了工作

沒有辦法

有時真的沒有辦法

但其實

每個下一秒

都不再等同每個上一秒

時間話走就走了

可能你的人生

就只剩下那一天半天

誰又知道呢

人生的難點

就是永遠都得取捨

沒有工作

又怎能生活

沒有錢交租

又怎會有家庭幸福

我只是在用時間換金錢

為了在其他不用換取金錢的時間

能夠好好過生活

我生活不是為了要工作

沒了親人朋友愛人

事業再有成都沒有用

我沒有成就豐功偉業的野心

離居的親愛

親愛在離居。

甜言蜜語，你來我往；

多少個短信，

寄載多少的情思。

其實

如果

可以

我想把一天所發生的

都告訴你。

早上與你吻別才去上班，

下班可以見到你，

高高的身影，

站在公司附近的角落，

接我回家。

真懷念哦，我懷念的 ─

三月的最後一個周末，

二月的第二個星期，

一月的最後一個星期，

七月的第三個星期，

二月的第三個星期。

不知幾時又可以見呢，

不知幾時見了，就不用再分開哩。

思念如影隨形。

oh.

oh. oh.

i love you honey. <3

maybe a flu does not kill me.

but it kills many things.

when you are forced to lie awake staring at the empty ceiling, and wonder if you get at least a little bit of care when you most need it from the people you most need it from.

sure, it is just a flu and i probably will get well tomorrow, when jesus brings me to his resurrection.

but you see. i really feel like i need something now, and if i don't get it, a part of me may die.

it's not like i can ask for it though, since if i do my dignity will die, and i am not even 100% sure if i will get it even if i ask for it.

that's why i said all the things i said.

oh well.

i must have done something to deserve this.

maybe i had too much fun.

sometimes when i feel like i really want to give up, i think about the times when i really should have, and then i realize that i cannot just give up. i have come such a long way to where i am now. everytime i thought it could not get worse, it did. and everytime i thought it could not get better, it did, too. and suddenly something happens. something always happens suddenly. and things turn around. from good to bad, and from bad to good again. it takes a certain amount of stupidity to be a girl like me.

i am not perfect. i am emotional at times. departures affect me. i have tried to be brave and independent, or at least hide my fears, but it does not work all the time.

this is just how hong kong i am.

everytime i get a flu i feel entirely weak. i feel like i am going to die of it and make headlines. it feels like someone is hammering on my head. slam. slam. slam. stop. a naughty elf is digging on my throat. cough, cough, cough. my lungs leap. my stomach aches. my heart, my heart.

i feel weak and lonely, with a thousand chores running on my mind. i have work to be done. time is running out. i miss my old job. it was such an easy job.

因為我是女人

所以我偶然會失心瘋。

忘記時間

有時候，我躺在床上幻想自己

進入一個黑洞裡

一直飄浮

就可以忘記時間

我常常都覺得

我是個可以隨時被取代的人

在這個世界上

找另一個我

或者與我類似的人

並不困難

可是我身邊的所有人

都是獨一無二的

一個都不能少

少一個都不得了

oh.

it took me more than a year to realise that i am not in it alone.

yet today i feel more alone than ever.

i would do almost anything to bring those days of sweetness back.

i don't know why for a few days i was needy then, all of a sudden,

i should have just come up here to write about it

like i usually do.

oh cherry. what have you done?

why can't you keep your feelings to yourself

like most smart girls can?

hi honey

hey honey, yes honey, please honey.

i don't know what to do with myself.

you can be a sweet girl everyday.

but be careful, that if you cannot be like that for one day,

you are in trouble.

if you are young enough and if there is still time for you to make a different choice,

be a tough person instead. keep all your sweetness to yourself.

so when you are sweet to people every once in a while,

they grant you a halo.

i am almost gone.

sometimes when a change is about to take place, you can almost feel it happening. i feel like i am almost gone. i am about to go live in another country, maybe thailand, or india to start with, and i am going to write my days away if i am somehow free to go.

it has always been my dream being a writer, now i am one, it is printed on my business card, and the best part of it is that i write for a genius and an artist. if i were to make another choice i would have made the same decision. no point to regret now. i know how vain i am.

just that i also very much want to lose that identity of a pr assistant which was somehow thrown upon me for reasons i don't know. *sigh* if i wanted to be one, i wouldn't have been here.

maybe it's because i am young and no one understands how a writer works.

sometimes a change is so big that it changes your life.

i would not have been to the many places i have been to

if that change never took place, or if the way it took place

was misplaced. would that be possible?

sometimes i think every step of the way has to mean something,

that we do not circle around for no reason, that

no step is a step of time wasted, as no time wasted is not a step worthwhile.

we were almost gone. we were there. we were not

and we were as much there again as we were not.

you wanted it. you waited and it happened.

you live like a moment collector, collecting moments,

good and beautiful ones.

the idea that you are mine makes me more yours

but how insane it is

to feel so much for the same person

for a time so long.

命那麼短

夢那麼長

蟬 花大半輩子

埋在土裡 成長

在不見天日的塵世下

花上六七年

甚至十三年 十七年

滋養身心

脫殼 成人禮

殼脫 禮成人

有同伴在脫殼中途

遇上了瓶頸

蟬 爬到牠的身上去

慢慢的 刮其垢 磨其光

為了要到樹上去

唱兩個星期的歌 吸引另一半

如果有另一半

就纏綿 就交配

然後 蟬 懷著滿足地死去

以上都有科學根據

只是命那麼短

夢那麼長

如果你用過兩星期愛一個人

或者更多 或者更少

加加減減 我用了兩年多

如果你每次都傾盡全力

又全情投入

jeg lukker mine øjne i beijing,

'cause i'm yours to keep if you want to.

in about 20 hours

we will be together. :)

it's about time

that i make up my mind.

所有格代名詞

所有的代名詞

都不夠所有格代名詞窩心

我的你的我的你的我的你的我

我們的存在

某程度也因為想要被擁有

因為人生有個追求叫歸屬感

我們都想成為一些人、一些事情

或是一些東西的一部份

無腳的雀仔可以一直飛

也只因為天空是牠的

牠的天空是某個人的

可以灰 可以藍 可以黑

可以刮大風 落大雨 下大雪

愛是不能解釋的

人人都有被愛的權利

為甚麼不是祖也不是占

那個人必須要是某個人

因為每個人都有屬於自己的唯一

無法取代的一種歸屬感

如果誰都可愛

還有誰人需要愛

愛是必須執迷的

行成於思毀於隨。

從前我是個常常自省的人

天天用文字記錄生活

為的都是要反思

我今天到底過得怎麼樣

有沒有持守自己的原則

有沒有隨波逐流的頃刻？

不過後來相思成災

醒來想起一個人

睡前想著的也是同一個人

想不了其他的事情

生活是為了一個相親相愛的目的

人性來的 那是天生的

道德則是後天培養 聖賢規範出來的

我抗拒不了我的真性情

但總要文明下去 不能枉讀詩書

明天又要上班

我今天學懂了一句說話

不要只是埋怨別人剝削你

而該反省自己為何容許事情這樣發生

於是我輕鬆了一點點

疲於奔命的日子

要特別鳴謝我的貝寶親愛

天天送來甜言蜜語 關心慰問

也許有幾多快樂

就必須承受幾多哀愁

你要鍊金術成真

就必須接受等價交換的原則

昨晚凌晨一時

與媽媽細佬坐於沙發閒談

我手執一本古文二百篇

他則翻著唐宋詞

慨嘆一句

「一天之中，就只有這個時間

可以靜下來享受下啊」

當時 媽媽正在看字幕有句沒句的印度片

天倫之樂 就是忙了一整天

回到家裡 有人陪你一起說 一起笑

這樣簡單吧了

今晚細佬又要工作至天光

妹妹為高考多晚溫書達旦

為未來努力的拼勁 叫青春

必殺技

絕處逢生，在絕地翻身。

我都不知道後不後悔好

其實我有時都幾後悔

但我又不想太後悔

我是為著滿腔熱血和理想

才走到這裡

其實要我為你很容易

要是你有才華

懂得尊重人

欣賞別人為你的付出

有多少人性

心有惻隱慈悲

我至少會對你恭恭敬敬

甚至會為你仆心仆命

知遇之恩 實在難得

這個多月份外漫長

我唯一享受的時光

就是我真真正正可以坐下來

雕文琢字的片刻

其餘的時間

我彷佛回到大學時期

在連卡佛當PR小妹的日子

那時候覺得很浪漫

現在情何以堪

為了藝術 為了文字

我付出的還真不少

至少我認識了些甚麼人

浪費了你的時間

不會覺得可惜

天天要你超時工作

也是理所當然

我不記得賣過我的命

也許我從前遇到太多太好的人

而現實社會沒有那麼多好人

難道百行不是以孝為先

每天拖著疲累的身子回家

吃完飯就倒下去了

那來的力氣陪媽媽?

任人勞役傷了身子

誰把女兒陪給她?

當然沒有人關心

你覺得重要的事情

沒有人覺得重要

時間過就過了

老人家倒數著漫長的一天

等你回來兩個鐘

見你一會兒

人生裡最值得珍惜的時間

都浪費在不珍惜你的人的身上

做一些不會被珍惜的事情

今天我的正能量欠奉

在小巴上乾啃白麵包

純粹是因為早餐附送的牛油發了霉

麵包就一直放著沒吃

終於在晚上八時多下班了

回家吃飯是個多小時的車程

在小巴上想起了這塊白麵包

就乾啃著吃 沒甚麼味道 有點硬

如果早上附送的牛油是新鮮的

麵包就不會成了雞肋

我早餐的完美結句

也不會淪為晚飯前的頂胃小吃

你的悲傷是你的

悲傷是一個人的旅程

這件事情比較自私

但怎麼說呢

未能切膚就不能知痛

我的悲傷是我的

你的悲傷是你的

我們能夠在對方傷心的時候

陪伴左右 安安慰 打打氣 說說笑 抱著哭

但悲傷本來是一場困獸鬥

我明白的

但我明白的

是我明白你的傷痛是你的

是我能夠想像卻無法體會的

我的經歷都夠多了

但我們沒有人能夠憑自己的經驗

判斷別人的痛有多痛

爸爸常常掛在嘴邊的一句

是每個人都有每個人「心的事」

這「心的事」只有自己心裡知

人生裡 總有些傷會痛到心坎裡

無論如何都解釋不了

但至少我們的悲傷都是自由的

我們要帶著它走多遠

它就走多遠

我們擁抱它 直至它受不了 (或我們受不了)

反正我們天生懂得流眼淚

我常常提醒自己

做人要謹言慎行

你怎麼知道你幾時說的甚麼話

會觸碰到別人「心的事」

站在你身邊的那個人

嬉皮笑臉 完好無痕

其實心裡有一道缺口

因著你順手拈來的三言兩語

在瞬間已撕裂到靈魂的盡處

我親愛的

今天我親愛的小朋友生日

補完習我們吃蛋糕

我喜歡與小朋友為伴

雖然回到家已經很累了

但和他們開心笑笑又跑跑跳跳

有助我消除一天的煩惱

我還在努力

因為我有我的親愛的

如果我們只為自己做事

做甚麼不做甚麼

都沒有甚麼大不了

如果我一直以來為的只是我

個人的利益、自身的榮辱

我大概甚麼都做不了

而我已經走到這麼遠

再走走看 看著走著 路就出來了

因為時間有限

所以你不能再當花心小姐

夜深人靜的時候

必須從林夕和吳冠中之間作出抉擇

還有陪伴你左右的tom gunn

你至少都要唸一遍

到底要不要學著彈彈初階程度的true colours

還是努力些學懂if i die young

最好為明天上班預先選定一條連身裙

睡前要吹頭 一定要梳頭

否則打了結會更麻煩

枱頭還有一叠未拆的信

這個星期沒有看電影

艾慕度華的馬拉松都未開始過

但總算見了好朋友 陪她們說了必須說的話

走了必須走的路 (甚至爬到了必須看的瀑布)

因為時間有限

我們不能只靠自身的力量去感受世界

走幾遠的路都好 不能不聽音樂 聽幾多音樂都好 不能不看書

因為同一個世界 用另一對眼睛看就已經不一樣

我多麼想要感受這宇宙 吸收天地靈氣日月精華

因為時間有限 今晚就此罷休

我要找一個方法 一身化萬身

用最短的時間 做最多我認為最有意義的事情

until him i was never happy.

not true.

but that was another kind of happiness before him, and after him it is a reinvented kind of happiness which has then become my definition of a happy ever-after.

i keep cultivating my soul, writing, reading, trying to learn the piano and other new things, accepting challenges on tasks that i have not been familiar with. i am desperate to be enriched. i want to nurture myself to the point where i know that i don't need to rely on an outer source to sustain my happiness.

but then i realise that he is not an outer source. if you have someone on your heart, if you let your guard down and let him/her dig a way all the way into your bones, eventually he/she becomes a part of you - a part in you.

after all, i am 25, if i live till 50 i have lived already half a life. i heard that you don't live longer than your father, and mine passed away at 67. i am often aware of the passage of time, sometimes i try to convince myself that time does not exist.

but time does not exist only when things do not happen.

and things keep happening still.

i am totally spoiled nowadays, i could survive without hearing from him for 7 days before, but now 7 hours seems already too long.

愛是佔有

從前你說甚麼他都客觀又理性

你說的甚麼也沒有甚麼關他的事

那時候他大概還未愛得很徹底

然後有一天

你發現無論你說甚麼

他都自動轉化為他的事

他從言語間佔據你的生活

最小的事都與他尤關

在所有話題找位置

將所有第三身改做第一身

想成為你宇宙的軸心

我懷疑這就是所謂

二月廿九日的魔法

求婚不為結婚

只為一個

長相廝守的可能

賣了我的命

我不為一萬幾千賣命

我要時刻記得

當初是為了甚麼離開老地方

是擔心在溫室裡不能成長

離開是為了求進步

做人不應該貪求安逸

其實這也是我的虛榮

只因我是個愛才的女子

我愛我的才

我愛大師的才

我為一個才字賣了我的命

這就是我的命

為才賣命 為藝術而犧牲

日日忙到分不了身

值得嗎？

每做一件事

最重要記得

當初令你開始的原因

我為你記一篇

好好為你記一遍，

你今天愛的這個女子，

三年前闖進你的生命，

此後成了你的唯一。

我們相愛如一。:)

Love is a sign

I knew it when we met for the second time,

you rubbed your nose against mine, and held my hand.

It was a little weird, and not too appropriate,

but we weren’t like this before we met us.

I knew it when you kissed me, that was
when the bar played one of my favourite songs.

For your reference, that was Linger by The Cranberries.

I knew what it meant to me, a kiss defined a kiss.

You are mine for real now, after all, I almost cannot believe,

all those nights of prayers were answered,

you are my greediest dream realized.

I love you, the tallest tale in my little life.

情人

我把他送給我的所有

耳環、項鍊、戒指
都戴在身上

我塗和他一樣牌子的香水

我堅持用我的「原始」電話

因為那裡有他第一個
到第六百個

給我的短信

從相識相愛分手曖昧復合到如今

這個非愛不可的地步

我掛念他的時候

就用回憶堵住思念

我這個人不算很現代

而且是個情痴

我相信愛 也相信愛是守望

我不需要太多其他生活享受

我的世界也很原始

對於我來說

最有意義的事情

對於一般人而言

一文不值

但我的寶藏是我的

我日掘夜掘 掘了好多年

掘出來的是甚麼都好

我投過下去的心思精神

付出了的青春心血

就是情人的價值

創舉

今天我完成了兩件創舉

人生有太多如果

我沒法肯定甚麼

但總有屬於我們的

最美好的時光

29th feb

i have picked the best timing to do the craziest thing.

it was possibly stupid

but you see, when a thought clings to you for way too long

you know it has to be realised somehow.

i don't know how certain ideas occurred to me, i have

no idea, too, why my heart clings to certain thoughts.

oh but that's just me.

i fear no fate

(for you are my fate, my sweet)

but honestly, i fear.

i have forgotten about how i lived

those times. now i have come to a point

of extreme fearfulness for life itself

and i cannot even tell.

i am so tired of everything all of a sudden

and i am paranoid to an extent that

i cry almost every night.

i am afraid of saying goodbye to people

and ending up never seeing them again.

but i have no time even though i know there may not be another chance.

i have no time. life is a lot of things compressed together lately -
life is passing me by while i am rushing through it.

i have to stop dwelling in the past.

no matter how happy it was, i cannot stay stuck there forever.

(but memories get us through the hardest time...?)

it is within me that the good times always last.

i am in the lovesick mode continously, i am extremely busy
but still, he is always on my mind,

all day long, all the time

and i will have to go through it a thousand times.

it is because i know how good it can be
and i know that what already is the best can get better still, and

life has shown me that if i am to wait

and be good, and be patient and continue what i am doing -

my moments will come eventually.

oh cherry.

leap year

quite a while ago i wrote about the leap year.

it is said that on the 29th day of February, girls get to propose

and most proposals are likely to get a yes.

when i wrote about it, we weren't back together yet.

if i had the guts i would at least do it once.

累了也不想睡

因為只有這些時間是自己的，

屬於自己的時間就只有這些了。

每天在辦公室裡趕這趕那，

我覺得奇怪的是，

難道其他人都不想回家？

不用回去陪陪媽媽嗎？

兄弟姊妹有沒有相聚聊天的時間？

我一秒鐘都不能少，因為我還有外快要賺，

我有幾萬字的稿要校對，兩個小孩子的功課要對，

而在這之前我還要坐個多小時的車回家，

這是我的問題，也許老闆請個人回來，

沒有想過她會有這麼多負擔。

生活就是用時間換錢，

再用錢換時間。

不把時間賣出去就沒有錢，

沒有錢，有時間，都沒用，

因為會有煩惱。

我應該慶幸我的時間還值得個錢，

把青春賣了出去，賺得到頭家。

人是一間屋

爸爸常常這樣說。

人是一間屋，屋裡面又住了人，

出面的那個人不重要，重要極都只是一間屋，

最重要是要保護得到住在裡面的人。

因為人是一間屋。

最快樂的人，把自我縮到很小很小，

忘了自己，就少了怨氣，喜鵲砌橋已經夠辛苦，

天涯海角都給你去維繫，你怎麼還埋怨

喜鵲砌的橋這樣不濟，砌完又拆，拆完又砌。

我要當個最快樂的人，因為這是我的選擇，

人是我揀的，工作也是我揀的，

我想名利雙收，又想才色兼收，

口口聲聲說要愛個愛遍天下的大男孩，

又徹頭徹尾想要做藝術作家在中環返工，

現在只好硬著頭皮走下去。

天空請你不要持續灰，

你想要的都擁有了，山長水遠的都來找你了，

日日夜夜陪過在你身邊，你還傷心甚麼呢？

人生都是眨下眼就逝去的事情，

要記得大師種花不是為了要生氣，

你愛人也不是為了要自取滅亡。

縱然沒法習慣分離，總能學會相愛珍惜。

你快樂所以我快樂，不過在萬水千山走遍之後，

記得回來找我 ─ 因為我等多久都等，

因為我是小王子遇到的

那個最虔誠的點燈人。

這件叫長途戀愛的事情，

真的不是普通的磨人。

heartlessly survived

life is too much, and i almost cannot deal.

i had the sweetest 7 days, 7 of the sweetest days in my entire life. normally, according to everytime before, i would still be happy even after we parted, but i suppose it is always easier being the one who leaves than the one who stays, because the latter cannot avoid going back onto the routes or into the room filled with the absent presence of the other person.

that's how i have been feeling, for four days now the memories of us smother me. it was like i was living the days we lived all over again, all on my own though, when i could just hear him next to me, saying the things he said when we passed by a certain somewhere. i could almost feel his embrace when i slept. sometimes i even thought that when i turned around i would still see his face. the memories haunt me like a hungry ghost everywhere i go.

but he is so much closer this time, physically. but i am so much closer to him this time, not just physically.

now i see why, why couples are supposed to stay together until love fades, and then they move on, getting rid of each other is more or less like getting rid of a habit in that case.

but there is no way i can get rid of him at all, and i don't want to, considering how being with him brightens and lightens up my whole world. i know you should not count your happiness on someone else, and that you should be a whole person yourself to love another whole person.

but dear, oh dear. how do i continue to be how i was when i did not manage to keep my heart with me this time?

i have been crying for a few days for all sort of reasons, for missing my boyfriend too much, for worrying about my family, for office drama, and for the passing of the only Uncle i know from my father's side. i remember how he looked just exactly like my father when he walked into our flat after my father passed away.

i thought 2012 would be a good year, we said it so when we welcomed its arrival.

愛是儲回來的 ─

感情要累積。

我驚訝我用了多少日子，年年月月，反反覆覆，

一而再又再而三的等待和堅持。

真愛離不開，

就是離開多遠都離不開吧。

被思念淹沒，我快要瘋了。

how much closer can two people get?

for most days of the week he picked me up from work,

we were together as long as time allowed, although it felt like so little time it was,

with half of each of the weekday being devoted to work.

but then there was always him whom i looked forward to.

it gets harder each time we part, it feels like i am left in a mixed up time and space, when he was here it felt surreal, and when he is gone it feels cubist.

at least we are only half a day away from each other this time.

i have had the sweetest birthday and valentine's day week, we went to places we went to 3 years ago, and i was surprised at times when he remembered things that happened back then.

last night he got me a ring that fit.

i am in insane love with this boy. the room is so quiet now without his presence, i will have a hard time adjusting. :/

but every piece of sweetness we have had is worth every piece of me.

oh cherry be brave, suddenly we will be again.

courtesy to my quietness

oh i am in heaven

and i am in hell.

a whole week of nearly no sleep, a million tasks on my duty list
and being insanely in love with my boyfriend at the same time

i did not know how i managed.

but finally it's friday.

i am addicted to us, the way we live
and the way things fall fit when we are together.

he bought me a rose

and a ring

and he is taking me to find another ring that fits my finger tonight. the one he got me yesterday was just a symbol, he said, since he knew my finger would be too small for it.

i am thrilled.

and he is here again.

this experience is entirely surreal.

i am overjoyed.

there is as much me in you

as there is as much you in me.

time engraved, your me in you, my you in me.

period pain, nightmares & workplace-phobia

there are plenty of things going on lately, half of them happy, half of them just sad. i wish my period will come tonight, in an hour or so, it has been affecting me for a whole long week already. i thought february would be a short month, why is it so long now? or maybe i will find it short again when my boyfriend is here. oh i can't believe he is coming for my birthday! i have been dreaming of it for how long i do not know, a very long time for sure though.

sometimes i really wonder why people have to be so mean, that when a thing can be solved peacefully and in harmony, i wonder why anyone would rather decide to do it the hard way. i am sure that it does not make anyone feel good hurting people, or does it? how often do you kill a life just because you can? life is supposed to be handled with care, right, yours, mine, even a small ant's life deserves respect.

i miss everyone awfully lot, i feel quite lonely lately, being the latest comer and seemingly the youngest person. i am not good at socializing, indeed, i have no idea how i have made that many friends all my life, but i guess sometimes people just click, and sometimes it doesn't happen that way. i feel that i may lose my friends eventually, for i seldom have time for them, and i feel really bad about that. sometimes i get depressed and wonder why everything has to be so hard-earned, it is really depressing when trying your best is hardly enough. inspire me life, with no harm done, inspire me, please.

but i thought you could survive anywhere as long as you are sincere, hardworking, helpful and nice. i hope i am smart enough, i really hope so. i wish my old man was here, although he might laugh at me for crying over silly little things, he would have patted my hair, and told me to always be farsighted, like he did everyday when i was stressing over my A-level exams, isn't it good to have a dad around, someone strong with a loud voice, whose hands are big and comforting. mom has been sweet as always, but i hate to worry her, as it breaks her heart thinking that i could be happier.

but one thing i know for sure: when my boy is here, i will be the happiest. i look forward to turning 25. i will have to make it a good year, with all my heart and a whole lot of my soul.

我驚到震。

當一個曾經甚麼都企硬，又問多兩句都發脾氣的人，

突然之間完全遷就你，只要你高興他甚麼都肯做，

你真的懷疑你做了甚麼。

spider at the bus stop

tonight i was alone waiting for the bus home, and there i saw a little spider, working its way up and down, weaving a web. aren't you brave little thing, i admire your dignity. little creatures amaze me, the way they find their ways, the way they find one another. i am often amazed by the collective force of a group of ants, the way they come together and move dead bodies, how can they be so good at keeping up with one another's pace? my little brother said it is because they live in a 2D world. i wonder if that's true.

i always keep in mind that respect is a hard-earned thing, that you cannot just walk into a room expecting people to respect you simply for how good you look or how important you seem, because that's nonsense, and most importantly, only the very ignorant and shallow people give away respect like that. thus i will work my hardest, i will give the best of me and squeeze my mind and be the most efficient and the smartest, because i am not only working to earn my salary, i am here to cultivate my being.

that was why i had to leave my comfort zone. i am not going to whine now, as it is important to stick with one's choices. i wanted it and i got it, and now all i have to do is to make it worthwhile.

the same goes for career, and the same goes for love. i wish i were a little braver like that little spider, so time and distance and pretty girls do not dishearten me, so i could cling to my stop and weave my web all over it.

by the way, how often do you kill a life just because you are scared (or just because you can)? snakes are like that, you know, of course most of the time they kill because they are hungry, like us, but you see, they attack fiercely when they are scared. we human beings are not so much different, aren't we.

襌是一朵花。

你問我到那裡去了，我會說我到天堂遊了一趟，

這樣聽上去大概誇張得來也很張狂，

但那個地方讓我的心神都那樣嚮往。

到步的第一天，已經覺得一切也很值得，

恩愛到一個地步，我每天都覺得日子充實得來很不真實。

有沒有一次，終於可以留在對方身邊

相見不用排期，相處沒有限期？

不過我相信我可以一直為他守望到老。

人就只有這麼一個了，沒有他也不會再有別個，

但求上天保祐，信者得救。

i am back again.

everytime i am here i feel like i have never left.
everything about us is so familiar to me.

i love us extraordinarily much, and sincerely.

hair

i never knew it was so important until i realised that it's ruined
and i cannot fix it. :(

i am so depressed. it has been a whole day already. i can't believe what is happening, i am finally going to see him, yet no part of me is perfect.

my hair used to be almost perfect, it was all silky and shiny a few days ago, and its length was good, but now it is not attractive at all.

i hate myself for always making bad decisions. now i am upset, and i don't even want to see him.

i just hope friday doesn't come too soon.

期待

夢寐以求的事情快要發生了。

我興奮得不敢作聲，

安靜到好像很冷靜。

守望已久的 ─ 我愛的人，我熱愛的工作。

半年

我差不多又要開始為見面而緊張，
未開始已經為預期得到的分別而失落，
有多少的會面就有多少的離別啊！
與幸福相連的少少難過
也是抵受的。

身邊有人的人應該要好好珍惜。
如果一年只能見幾次面，
你還會堅持嗎？
你會想要一個不能親熱的戀人嗎？
他朝老了，
如果有病，就算無法活得很久 ─
你也會愛下去嗎？

還是只愛健康無事的人？
還是只想身邊有個人？

人的堅持是否只為了一個可能延續的可能？
如果沒法延續，你會不會讓它發生？

我和他的日子，總是有數得計
又計無可計的
路那麼長，聚少離多
但思念停不了。

快要見面了，我真想為他再漂亮一點，
當一個可愛的女子。:)

愈是難得，愈是難得。

getting pretty

one bad thing about having a long distance relationship is that you become very lazy on your appearance because your boyfriend is not around to see you. as a result, i have lived the past 6 months in a very low maintenance kind of way, working all day everyday to save up money and holidays, i sometimes go to bed without washing my face even. the lack of sunshine in the office, which means the lack of vitamin D3, can also cause bad, unhealthy skin. after having spent most of the days indoors, and being outdoors only at night, my skin has become simply awful.

here comes the panic, suddenly you are about to see your boyfriend, and you realise what you have/have not done to yourself. you are not going to spend your precious time with him looking like a zombie, are you?

it is important to find a boyfriend who thinks you are pretty anyway, but sometimes fact is fact, i just want to be as pretty as i once was, with those bright eyes, and that big smile.

ummm, let's see if i can make some progress in 12 days. :)

there is nothing you can't learn

as long as you put your heart into it. the only things that you can't do should be the things that you don't want to do. if you are willing to pick up the paintbrush, you can at least paint something. if you ever feel like you need the finest equipment to begin your learning with, think twice, we are living in a world in which knowledge is almost free now, which is already a blessing, and we are all equiped with the ability to self-learn, which is almost enough. (in other words, if you want to do something, don't give yourself the excuse saying that you have to wait until you are rich, because that no longer makes as much sense as it used to, but of course there are cases like that still.)

i have a little sister who inspires and amazes me just constantly.

i remember it always when one summer morning i woke up to some music from another room, and realised that it was indeed my little sister playing the guitar she had worked many hours in a resturant saving up for, and all of a sudden she had learnt to play it, just by watching youtube tutorials.

it amazes me how she has made cartoon videos by drawing a hundred and more pictures of all slight movements each character has by hand, and put them together by taking photos of each of them and editing the photos into a moving clip, giving them voices and sounds, and finally all her pictures have come alive in the form of an animation.

i think her will is almost as tough as walt disney, the amazing fact is that she doesn't even have much to begin with, it has all simply started out in her head.

having seen what she has done so far, i dare not to tell anyone that they can't do things, because she has shown me that whatever one can or cannot do really depends on how much efforts one is willing to make.

what i am trying to say is: always remember that it is important not to let someone tell you that you can't do things, when the things you want to do are good, and when they mean something to you, don't let yourself be discouraged. remember that you don't always have to be the best at whatever you do, it is not a competition if you don't make it so, and as long as you enjoy what you do, and do what you enjoy, you will miss out a lot less and live a life a lot more enriched, which is the most important. do not be embarassed and waste time on thinking how the world may laugh at you, if you find my words honest, trust me when i say that it makes you an adorable being having the will to try and being passionate for things that you believe in.

what a clumsy piece of writing i have written, but i hope it brings at least a bit encouragement to those who are looking for confidence. :)

dear juliets

please send me your (or your special someone's) address if you want a handwritten love poem/ letter from a famous and mysterious (but long dead, unfortunately) lover to be delivered on or around valentine's day.

dear.juliet@hotmail.com.hk

please, please, please spread the words!
let's see if we can feed hongkong's postboxes with enough pink mails
(and surprise mr. postman!) :) :) :)

with lots of love,
cherry (roars)

p.s. if you send in an address without a name,
the letter will be addressed to "juliet".

special thanks to myan soffia for the image, for more of her works, please visit http://www.etsy.com/people/sixthandmain

i feel so thankful tonight,

more thankful than i have been on most nights.

it is all too real and dreamy all of a sudden and you see,
when i feel like i have to write but i cannot put anything into words -

it means i am too happy. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D