until him i was never happy.

not true.

but that was another kind of happiness before him, and after him it is a reinvented kind of happiness which has then become my definition of a happy ever-after.

i keep cultivating my soul, writing, reading, trying to learn the piano and other new things, accepting challenges on tasks that i have not been familiar with. i am desperate to be enriched. i want to nurture myself to the point where i know that i don't need to rely on an outer source to sustain my happiness.

but then i realise that he is not an outer source. if you have someone on your heart, if you let your guard down and let him/her dig a way all the way into your bones, eventually he/she becomes a part of you - a part in you.

after all, i am 25, if i live till 50 i have lived already half a life. i heard that you don't live longer than your father, and mine passed away at 67. i am often aware of the passage of time, sometimes i try to convince myself that time does not exist.

but time does not exist only when things do not happen.

and things keep happening still.

i am totally spoiled nowadays, i could survive without hearing from him for 7 days before, but now 7 hours seems already too long.