heartlessly survived

life is too much, and i almost cannot deal.

i had the sweetest 7 days, 7 of the sweetest days in my entire life. normally, according to everytime before, i would still be happy even after we parted, but i suppose it is always easier being the one who leaves than the one who stays, because the latter cannot avoid going back onto the routes or into the room filled with the absent presence of the other person.

that's how i have been feeling, for four days now the memories of us smother me. it was like i was living the days we lived all over again, all on my own though, when i could just hear him next to me, saying the things he said when we passed by a certain somewhere. i could almost feel his embrace when i slept. sometimes i even thought that when i turned around i would still see his face. the memories haunt me like a hungry ghost everywhere i go.

but he is so much closer this time, physically. but i am so much closer to him this time, not just physically.

now i see why, why couples are supposed to stay together until love fades, and then they move on, getting rid of each other is more or less like getting rid of a habit in that case.

but there is no way i can get rid of him at all, and i don't want to, considering how being with him brightens and lightens up my whole world. i know you should not count your happiness on someone else, and that you should be a whole person yourself to love another whole person.

but dear, oh dear. how do i continue to be how i was when i did not manage to keep my heart with me this time?

i have been crying for a few days for all sort of reasons, for missing my boyfriend too much, for worrying about my family, for office drama, and for the passing of the only Uncle i know from my father's side. i remember how he looked just exactly like my father when he walked into our flat after my father passed away.

i thought 2012 would be a good year, we said it so when we welcomed its arrival.