kathmandu

i have not been to kathmandu yet. but i know one thing about it: about 2 years before my dad passed away, he took my mom to kathmandu to visit buddha's birthplace, and there he renewed their marriage vow.

i think that is the most romantic stories i have ever heard.

so much rain, almost too much

the rain pours down like a decision i have to make.

i have been waiting for the right chance, but there does not seem to be any. there is one big step that i want to take -- i want to move forwards, i want to be better, and be more than what i am... or less occupied by irrelevant matters.

all the signs have now come together.

certainties

if you care about someone, there are certain things you do;
certain ways you feel; certain questions you ask.

if you don't, then you don't,
and there are certain things you do
when you don't.

incredible pain on my chest

all kinds of possibilities, all kinds of worries.. 

i try not to think. i order my body to recover. 

i wonder, if this could be that, or that, or something else. 

i wish for it to go away. 

when it comes to sickness i am like an old lady. 

i will be my own doctor, if i may. 

the scariest thing is that when something really happens there are actually people on this earth who need me more than i need myself. 

for example, my mother. 

so that's the reason why something must not happen.

sleep now and wake up healthy, please. 

the copywriter

i am a copywriter, translator, proofreader and editor.  when i am working i write for other people, and when i am not working i write for myself.  i cannot live without writing -- it is true either in a realistic sense or an abstract sense.  it earns me my living and fulfills my life purposes in many ways.

at this moment, i feel that this is what i want to do for the rest of my life, even though there are always other things that i want to do at the same time.  i know i am not the best yet, in fact, i am quite certain that i am far from the best still.  but quality is also a by-product of experience, besides hard work and genius, and that takes time to acquire. 

i have so many tasks on my desk that even my colleague got worried.  but when it comes to writing, i enjoy it a great deal.  i wish that i have the time and energy to write all well.

at the end of the day, i love being a copywriter. (and i just want to spell it out.)

this love

is so simple yet so important.

dear as him, my dearest.

be a bigger person

big people become small when they are mean, but small people do not get big when they are mean. so people, no matter how big or small they are, when they are mean they belittle themselves.

i should not care, nor should i fear. i am as small as a small potato. but eventually, i will (and i am sure that i can) become a bigger person by being kind, and by trying to be kinder than necessary.

whatever it is, it only takes some wisdom to overcome. i believe in the power of a good heart, and a good mind.

lose temper, but not faith.

rehearsing on an empty stage

this special emptiness

stands for a part in my play. 

a person long waited

in a story bespoken. 

i have learnt the words by heart, 

and now it's all about

the performance.

生來一尾魚

或一隻兔仔，如果那樣更貼切。總之，請不要逼我去爬樹，其實逼都不要緊，我都只能盡力做，但請保持理性，一尾魚無論多努力都無法像一隻猴子那樣身手敏捷，試著去爬而沒死掉也算是不幸中之大幸。

再者，一尾魚必須靠水去生存，樹上的果實再甜美再飽滿，於我沒用。人生來是各人有各人的功用，各人也是有各人的志向，我心甘情願要當個為別人寫的寫手，將來當個為自己寫的作家，這是我的夢想，也是我努力的方向，更是我一直待在這裡的原因。

年輕如我，猜不透老奸巨滑的諸多陰謀，您可以講，我總是聽，一貫的唯唯諾諾。那麼些那麼多額外的負擔，擔下來了還不是因為我愛造著這關於寫作的夢。如果我有更大的野心，如果我有興趣去挑通眼眉，我就必得先去失真，然後，我就不會是我，我也無法期望自己再寫得出好東西。

作為一條魚，我接受得了別人怪我游泳游不好，我也會費盡心思去進步，因為我極度渴望游得好，游得愈遠愈久愈暢順愈好，那是我生來要做的事情。但我接受不了，一直被催逼著去爬樹，我爬不了，我是沒有那樣的天份，我生來不是為了爬樹，而您也應該要記住，一旦我爬不到爬不好，都不會是我的錯。

因為，生來一尾魚，就是要在文字的汪洋裡逍遙一世。

惡之源

有一種人心，是人間一切醜惡的源頭。因為心裡有惡，就以為人間險惡、人性醜惡。因為心裡有毒，視覺也被污染，分不清真假，看不到人間的真善美，只懂防人、算人、中傷人。會認為全世界都在找人便宜，是因為心裡有那樣的念頭。因為明知自己不可信，所以沒法相信人。因為自己想得出來、做得出來，才會認為別人都想得出來、也做得出來。他的心是他最大的敵人，因為是他的心把全世界變成敵人。

那樣的人，可悲而不自知，其目窮因其心窮，自以為看透世情，只不過是看得見別人眼中的刺，看不到自己眼中的棟樑。捱世界從來都不辛苦，辛苦的是小人當道，蒼蠅間白黑，令一切蒙上不必要的陰霾，氣在心裡口難開。即使是事不關己，但那有眼睜睜看著不公義發生的道理？或者必須成為小人，抓人把柄，暗算別人，才能有立足之地，如果是這樣的話，也只得歸隱山居，苟餘心其端直兮，雖僻遠之何傷。

這份鬱結，如此深重。倘若能夠看開，也是智慧。沒有智慧，就偶然做下架倆，不怕做蠢人，只怕做衰人。

愛情與婚姻

忠貞是一個女人的虛榮。這份虛榮建立在一件叫做從一而終的事情。愛情是一場守望的旅程，旅程的終點是婚姻。這趟旅程可以很有意思，也可以很沒意思。男人說，反正都一直在一起了，結不結婚沒有所謂；女人說，反正都一直在一起了，為甚麼不結婚？

因為婚姻是神聖的，這神聖的土壤種下了無比的決心，埋藏著此志不渝的意志。

從愛上每個早上的微笑，到愛上每個晚上的纏綿；從愛上忙裡偷閒的相處，到愛上日夕相對的日子；從愛上擔當對方的精神支柱，到愛上對方給予的精神力量；從愛上手心的溫暖，到愛上心裡的溫柔...... 初期的甜蜜慢慢累積，直至儲夠勇氣共赴生老病死，真真正正的福難同當。

愛情是激情、浪漫和氣氛，婚姻是溫柔、堅定和耐心。愛情是即目所見的吸引，婚姻是刻烙心骨的緣份。

有時候，婚姻，是我愛你愛到想要與你交換基因。

如何衡量一個人

如何衡量一個人的成就

我的方法比較簡單，與其去計名，再計利，我只是看我有多想變做那個人。一個人，如果有本事令人羨慕到想要忘記自己，或令人希望自己有那樣的本事，去做他在做的事，應該算是相當有成就。

如何衡量一個人有多聰明

我選擇不聰明，而這是我的聰明選擇。不是我蠢，只是我寧願老實。不是我不用腦，只是我不願隨波逐流。您的聰明來自經驗，我的暫時還只是來自基因。您永遠大我幾十年，所以您永遠比我聰明，終有一天，我會有夠多的經驗，而我希望我將不忘初衷。您的聰明於我沒用，但我不夠聰明的聰明您總是用得著。

如何衡量一個人的價值

世上沒有兩個人的價值不一樣，換言之，所有人都具有相同的價值，只是我們能夠創造的價值不一樣。沒有有錢的人特別值得尊重，也沒有沒錢的人特別應得唾棄。見高就拜見低就踩是明顯的道德缺陷，那一份恭敬來得虛假。有些人爬到了更高的位置，只因為時勢造英雄，幸運的他遇到了幸運的事，當然生不生性還是靠自己。我想說的是：各有前因莫羨人，也莫看不起人。就算某人是貴族，也不過是因為某人的的祖先特別擅長壓榨平民，特別推崇貧富懸殊和世代不平等。向他們鞠躬是侮辱了自身的修為，除非是向所有人都鞠躬，但您懂嗎？




幸而您我沒有半點血緣關係。

i googled.

yesterday i googled my dad. and i found a message of him left on a urdu poetry forum. it was 30 july, 2004 at  6:50am. it was a friday. i couldn't read urdu at all. and online translator couldn't help me. i felt a bit sad and a bit surreal. 

sometimes i still log in to his e-mail account, just to take a look at his old e-mails. sometimes i feel like that i would love the chance to know more about him. my memory has started to fail me. and i am afraid of him becoming a stranger. 

yesterday i found out that hotmail has locked his e-mail account because it has not been accessed for too long. i wonder if i should just leave it like that forever. 

from time to time i still suffer. 

i have a fortune teller laid out my life path. so far her calculation has been accurate. the other day i took a look at the few pieces of paper she wrote for me. it was, again, surreal. my whole life is there, each decade composed of few sentences.  it seems so easy.  but so flimsy, too.

that is why i have to write, and take pictures from time to time, if there is something i want to leave behind. if my dad is this dear to me, i must be as dear to my children.

interesting, interested

such mystery will not go away.
there is always something await to be discovered.
stories await to be told.
there is this mystifying aura
about a boy. about being a boy.
about something that is mine
but not yet totally. mine, but not yet always.
sometimes i muse on it for hours,
digging memories... as far as i can remember.
i think handsome is one of my favorite adjectives,
his name my favorite noun.

i am

indeed
incredibly distressed
and heavy hearted.

read, read, write

it is also frustrating knowing that there are so many great books written when you also know for sure that even when you gather all the time in your life you won't be able to read (and fathom) half as many. but what is more frustrating is reading rubbish. nonsense, however, is fine, there has not been enough jabberwocky and humty-dumty. reading an unworthy book is much similar to having a bad conversation, at the end you only want your precious time back.

i sometimes write insanely long english sentences, which i know is not nice. but sometimes i do so on purpose, which i think is fine. i do believe that brief means cool, except when you want to write a sentence long enough to appear scholarly and profound. but what i am thinking is, classical chinese is the coolest thing in the universe, for its saying so little and meaning so much, and for its lovely sounds on the ear and lingering effect on the heart. i am often so overwhelmed (by all kinds of good literature) that i think i will never be able to write better than what have already been written.

i ought to finish the novel i started which is themed on my father. it has been nearly a year now since the last sentence was written. but there is no way for me to write without crying. i wonder if i am really too dramatic or sentimental, or maybe what is felt upon my heart is truly too powerful? it has to be felt to be understood, which makes the understanding impossible. we are all alone in this universe. 

the rabbitch

i have to harden my heart so i don't get bullied too much. i used to think that it would be better to just be nice and polite to people, and be extra nice and polite to mean people. but being nice and polite sometimes means you have to compromise a lot, and sometimes a lot more than you can handle. i can still do it now, in my 20s and still have fair energy. however, what i can foresee is that soon i will be old and less energetic but more overloaded than i am now. 

i have tried not to write, so i don't whine, and will appear less like a whiner. but i don't see why i can't do it when it helps unleash my negative feelings. i only whine about little things. i have experienced greater miseries, and with those whining could not help. there were times when the sadness could be so heavily impressed that all incentive to speak was lost. it's lucky enough that there are things that can be talked away.  once spoken/written they become less important. 

but for now, i just wish i could talk about it so it doesn't damage me too much inside. i have tried reasoning. for nights i have written a dialogue in my head, of myself talking to my very self.  i understand that all are illusions and none is permanent.  i understand also that nothing i have is truly mine, and nothing will ever be mine truly except for my own wisdom. i understand that we are only walking molecules. i understand it fair enough to unleash my sufferings for a nice while, but my understanding of what i have understood seems also impermanent.

it is only a little frustrating that what you are able to gain is not even half as much as what you are willing to give.

the seventh day of the seventh month

i woke up with some good thoughts today. and then i realized that it is the seventh day of the seventh month - one of my favorite festivals again. with a typhoon coming to town the whole thing is a little too romantic. 

and most importantly, i simply cannot resist the idea of magpies bridging lovers. 

all the cakes in the world

i didn't know why i had to buy that many cakes home. maybe i did. maybe it was because i knew i needed something to fill what i knew would soon be empty. not my stomach though. maybe a space in memory. a sense of coziness and happiness that cannot be replaced. the sweet and quiet nights of midnight tea and silly games. that amazing something called  togetherness.
suddenly i was there, and suddenly i am here. and the carrot cakes taste like something in between. they are not as good, but they are still the best. i always think back and think i could have made it better, be better, and love better, hold on tighter to the time i had, be as pretty and happy as possible. but that is a bit stupid. but every stubborn person is a bit stupid. i am afraid of the way life speeds itself up and disappears, and me being misplaced in the fear of looking back one day and realizing the possible fact of not having been, or tried my best to catch up with its pace.
i think it's time to recollect my buddhist learning.

i think i die a little everytime

i am starting to wonder if this is the right thing to do. but afterall it is a happy thing to do. i guess the serious lovesickness i have is due to the sudden change of there and here. when i wake up from a nap i cannot recognize my own room. i cannot see him anywhere and thus i cry and become incredibly sad. i wish i could enjoy work and life like i did before. i know i can. i just want to get well right away though. i can't wait to be happy and pretty again.

最好的時光

兩個星期的假期過去了，相聚以後就是分別。
如膠似漆的日子怎麼厭得了，日夕相愛的人怎麼離得開。
我在一次一次哭著走的徬徨裡，守候一個長相廝守的可能。

一對快樂的情人

這個星期來，一切都在這樣的狀態下發生了。:)
與我親愛的，北國的男孩子，朝夕不離，天天相依。

i want to learn the language

because i have been in love with its speaker for almost forever now.

白蘭花

有一份浪漫人讓人從心而發地酸到鼻子裡。那是中環的白蘭花伯伯，以及一件賣花維生，另一件老死相隨的事情。今天，我終於的起了心肝，用吃麥當奴省下的十塊錢買了幾片白蘭花，從此，他的浪漫裡多了關於我的一份浪漫。

如果有這份恆心，如果還有這份決心，去栽花，去賣花，再用賺來的錢去栽一盆心花，澆灌一段愛情，直到開花，直至凋零，應該是其中一件最浪漫的事情。一個女人，嫁一個賣白蘭花的男人，她知道他必然是個惜花之人。

在中環上班的窮作家，用了十塊錢換一份浪漫，在這麼窮的日子裡，固然是一件奢侈的事情。但只是因為我窮，不是因為白蘭花貴。那一份清香，那一份詩意，在熱烘烘的鬧市裡那樣難得。那幾條路，一直有人來，一直有人往，偏偏有那樣的一個人，多少年來抱著一籃子的脫俗清香，一直站在那裡，天冷也好，天熱也是，如果您問我，我會說那是一份最大的堅持。

媽媽說從前的女孩子都會在髮上飾著白蘭花，花的香氣就會隨著打轉。現在有太多的女孩子會化太濃的妝，會塗太烈的香水，卻忽略了花開花好，其實，釣一個金龜，還不及愛一個惜花人那樣化算，除非，日子是過了就算。

怪事三則

星期一

上班的一程火車裡，坐著幾位尼姑。她們下車了，我坐上其中一個位置。放工的時候，火車又坐著一位尼姑，然後，她下車了，我又坐了她的位置。我想起了放在背包幾天的《內觀捷徑》，是老闆從幾十年的書堆裡找給我看的，想必是佛祖要我勤修智慧。回到家裡，發現媽媽煮的都是素菜，再想想自己一天裡，原來竟沒有吃下一點肉，午餐也是素食來的，感覺好像有太多巧合。

星期二

早上下山的時候，聽到烏鴉在叫，叫聲特別大，好像是有故事要說。本來早了出門口，就花了三分鐘在等牠說話。話說牠站在高樹上，有節奏地哀鳴，直到我經過了，再走前一點，牠的聲音不同了，叫得特別淒涼。細佬比我晚幾分鐘出門口，在山下與他會合，問他有沒有看到那烏鴉，他說沒有。

星期四

晚上一點多去睡，翻來覆去睡不著，天氣熱到流汗，但不蓋被又沒有安全感。也還沒有睡著，桌上又有奇怪的物件移動的聲音，聽同事說夜裡物件會有冷縮熱脹。突然，一陣黑色的風團逼近我的臉，伴隨著瘋狂的笑聲。我心想：搞咩呀。又是這樣。但這次還沒有睡著，四肢也可以活動。幸好近來研究多了佛學，明白五蘊皆空，一切都是心的事而已。這次算是來得最快去得最快的一次鬼壓床的經驗。

你會發現我

到終於再見面的時候，你會發現我，瘦了很多，老了很多，殘了很多。黑黑的，乾乾的，像個老太婆。我這個身子弱的窮作家，能量值持續地低，腦子轉得很慢，身體這處那處很多地方都不妥，頭痛、牙痛、肚痛...  伴有連夜的乾咳。頭髮很厚、很長，糾了結，因為沒怎樣梳理，啡了，因為沒甚麼營養，皮膚一貫地差。

其實這就是我了，當我們不相見的時候，我就是這樣的一個女子。工作，很多的工作，還要處理一系列的繁瑣事，往往捱到周末就病了，足不出戶，還是在工作，可以睡就一直睡，或者看書，最多看戲，試著彈彈樂器，寫著沒甚麼人看的東西。

有時候不得不承認，隔幾個月才見一次，都不算是甚麼壞事。隔得遠才好，我才有空間處理要處理的事，才有所謂走盞的空間，不用在自己身上投資太多心機時間，才可以得過且過地活著。住得遠，才有藉口讓自己為了見面而放假，才可以有些時間容許自己放下忙碌，全情投入去漂亮一會兒。

態度改變命運。因為我試過更辛苦，所以不敢說現在很辛苦。因為我有過更差的日子，所以我不會說現在的日子過得不好。

i found a crystal

in idar-oberstein.

i saw a crystal in my boss' friend's office. my boss told me to look at it since it was so special i would never have the chance to look at it twice after i parted with it. but then he asked his friend how much it cost, saying that i would like to buy it. his friend gave it to me as a gift and said he hoped it would bring me good luck.

so i brought it all the way from idar-oberstein to home and gave it to my mom on her birthday. she was so happy to see it and she has been happy ever since.

all treasures come unexpectedly. :)

威尼斯 -- 見藝化水

生平第一次到外地工作，獻給了威尼斯與她的雙年展，總算貫徹我風花雪月的願望。日以繼夜地在水城游走，破浪的破浪，穿越了小巷，拿著地圖領著路，閒時抹一把汗，總算沒有怎樣迷路，賺到了少少的成功感。

終於明白為何這是個持續數月的展覽，為何這展覽要兩年才辦一次，因有太多的來不及看，看過的太多來不及消化...... 我這個老古董，還是喜歡一件作品看很多次，看到喜歡的回家做些功課再回去看。要細味一個威尼斯雙年展，不可能只待在那裡三兩天，必須花上三兩個月，否則一切都是蜻蜓點水，走馬看花，不夠入肉，如何刻骨？

但在這裡我想陳訴一個藝術愛好者/ 工作者的心願：給我藝術的創意，也請給我藝術的誠意。

無疑這是很自私的想法，因我擺脫不了一件事─我一直痴心妄想著每件藝術作品都必須是藝術家窮一生精神與心血誕下的果實，一口咬下去，是苦的，是甜的，是酸得叫人流眼淚的，怎樣都不緊要，最緊要是來自藝術家費盡心神為世界種下的一棵苗，一口口咬下去，無論甚麼滋味，都叫人甘心。不過這也許與我個人的性格有關，就像我走進酒吧寧願要雞尾酒也不要啤酒一樣，一下開瓶的動作到底太簡單，而且到處也一式一樣，我喜歡精心製作的雞尾酒，一處地方一處味道，透過味蕾印烙記憶。

所以我不知道香港館在做甚麼。也許李傑是很好的，但他未必是最好的，也許他在表達一些東西，但香港未必沒有其他更值得表達的東西。我在我由於自身才疏學淺而妄下判斷之前，先再了解一下：http://www.venicebiennale.hk/2013/

如果李傑是以空間和物質建構回憶的無限性，我在展場內除了感覺一陣荒涼與虛無，並無其他可能的共鳴。那荒涼與虛無來自場館的空虛，來自一個香港人在威尼斯走進香港館之後感受到的唏噓，如果沒有更好的要表達，何不把機會和場所留給胸懷更多熱情的藝術家？而又，為甚麼只有一個藝術家？

這些普通素材在整個展覽中的陳列看似隨意，但實際上卻是被精準的擺放，用以觸發情感和感官，進而喚起真實和虛幻的回憶。

真懷疑這「精準」的標準來自那裡，又如何量度？情感和感官的觸發點，是真有其事，還是藝術家與主辦機構在自圓其說？

我見香港是在威尼斯化了水，多一滴不多，少一滴，相信也無可無不可。

my idea

love is always remembering what makes you love the people you love at the very beginning. love is free of expectations, hopes and desires. love inspires and love creates. love is happy, and even when it is sad or broken it is beautiful. love makes you feel. love is putting the people you love before yourself. love brings smiles and good luck. love helps you understand your inner self. love is understanding. love is becoming a better person for those you love. love is giving. love is faith. love is kindness. love is sweet most of the time and sour sometimes. love is strength. love is love your best when you can, and let go when you must. love is falling in love with the same person too many times. love is a sign. love is water, it nurtures, nourishes and purifies.

monday

if you deserve something, you will have something. if something doesn't come to you, something isn't meant for you. if you have to ask, it's not yours.

you can't force things to happen, anything that you force to happen will become a seed of doubt in your heart and grows its roots all the way until everything falls apart.

it's strange that apart from the usual depression i spend a week on every month, my stomach is suddenly very into vomiting. it cannot take any pressure to the extent that i cannot even stand wearing a bra. yea, real charming walking around without a bra with boobs so ridiculously small.  

i know all the tricks to be lovely. i know that confidence is a charmer and if you don't have it you can fake it. i know that it's considered cool being able to walk away from anything. but i cannot be anything like that. i spend my days being quiet writing about things that interest me alone, and become so stupidly happy when someone tells me that they like what i write, or that they are a bit interested in the strange thoughts in my head. a little affection goes a long way. i believe that there are two kinds of people who succeed in the end, the kind that knows how to play smart, and the kind that focuses and works hard. i can't play smart. when your heart rules your mind you can't be too smart.

well, so i come here to write. after i die my children or grandchildren will have something to read about, if they care. if they are anything like me they must care a bit though. i love leaving traces of my life behind. but now i am very very far behind. i can see that i am behind many things. the last trick i know is that, if you don't focus too much on yourself, and if you minimize your own existence, it does not matter.

but you should not do that. unless you're a Buddhist. you can always choose to be a Buddhist though.

i think people blog because people have things that they want to share with someone but they don't know who to share things with so they share things on their blogs with their invisible audience.  if i were born with an artist's talent i would make art instead, or if i were a little more musical i would make music. there are some cooler ways to express oneself, and there are some ways that are uncool. but we all have our own ways.

happy mom, happy day :)

dear diary,

(does anyone still begin their diaries this way? nostalgic!) so today is mother's day and we brought mom to dinner and celebrated after with a cake.  mom has been so happy these days and she kept saying how happy she is to have us as her children.  i think she is too sweet and too easily amused and satisfied, comparing to what she has done for us and dad and many other people, what we have done for her are very little.  these little things i can afford to do will never add up to her sweetness.  when life brings me down it's her who keeps me up, and when i feel like the world has rejected me she is always here for me.  she is the only reason that keeps me on track and be a good and responsible person in the best way i can.  i am not so strong myself.  i am indeed very weak inside and out, mentally and physically, but i have her.  so when i am sad i still feel that i am blessed and try to be happy again.  and when i am sick i still struggle to get well so to make her worry less.  

so even though i just vomited all the food out, i can't feel too bad about it. :) my stomach has been stupid for two days already... i guess it's another symptom of pms.

(i think when i was little i also ended my diaries saying "i love you diary".  i don't love my diaries as much as i used to now, but i probably should.  afterall it swallows whatever good and bad things i write about.)

so here ends another weekend, i slept for 15 hours last night, without brushing my teeth nor removing my make-up. (sigh!)  after being out with my brother looking for sneakers in the afternoon i became terribly dizzy when i got home.  only half of the plans i planned to carry out this weekend have been realized. 

everyday is passing by so fast lately. too much to do, too little time.  in just two week's time i will be off to italy and germany.  i can't say i am excited since i am overly worried about getting lost.  it's okay to get lost alone, but not so good when you should be leading the way for your boss and colleagues...  but i hope i can enjoy the trip and see as much art as i can. :)

and tomorrow is all about writing like crazy again, i hope my stomach won't mess up my schedule.  i have many deadlines to meet... :/ 

and two things to keep in mind lately: firstly, love is not about what i say, but what i do. but it's as important knowing how to walk the walk, talk the talk, walk the talk and talk the walk. secondly, never treat someone as my option when they treat me as their priority. 

work hard, stay humble

lately i have been super overloaded with all kinds of d\writings, from product literature to letters and interviews... there are just too many, and writing is something you cannot force. so i am just squeezing my mind for producing words most of the time.

but i actually love that i am busy. the more i get to write the better. when i compare my writings now to my writings a year ago, i can see a huge difference already. so my conclusion is that you can't imagine how far you can actually reach unless you really push it. pushing works for me. 

however, my skin is not reacting good to all these... pimples appeared on the right side of my face -- many of them.  so tonight i picked up body shop's tea tree oil series again and hope it can cure them. :( 

but sleeping is the best medicine so i guess i should just sleep now. 

goodnight world. :)

 

me and my own small world

i read the same books too many times, watch the same movies too many times, go to the same restaurants too many times, wear the same shoes too many times, visit the same places too many times, speak to the same people too many times, and drink the same drinks too many times.  i repeat myself too many times. 

but that's just me.  i do the same things over and over again.  if i don't get tired i stick with them for life, and if i do i stop them altogether.  i believe that the only way to get rid of a habit/ an obsession is to indulge yourself with it intensively.  too much of anything can make a person sick, and to get well is to get sick first.

lately i am a bit confused about life, (i am always a bit confused.)  i am not sure what to think or feel, and how to behave.  when i feel more and more connected to my inner soul and life purposes, i feel that i am drifting farther and farther away from the outer world and other people.  the best communication i can offer is to be a listener and laugh along, or talk silly.

i am not interested in the things that interest most people, and most of the things that i find interesting interest me alone.  dreams are strange, too many strange places, strangers and strange animals.  this week i have been to a chinese temple in which people worship a horse, venice where the boats float uphill to a secret garden, and an indian village where there are quite a few elephants and a group of ostrich-like-chicken running wild, people there lived in tall triangular tents made of wheat.  last night it was alright, i only dreamt that i fell asleep at work and my boss woke me up and told me to resign because my low efficiency wasted all his money, and then i was at a cemetery with people i hardly knew.

another weekend is coming to its end. i have finally got myself two pairs of new shoes yesterday.   i hope they will last longer than usual. :/ everytime i go buy shoes i am a little ashamed of myself walking in the shops wearing my old and completely worn-out shoes.  but i can't help it.  shopping is annoying unless it happens in a love-at-first-sight kind of way, and when weekends arrive i am too lazy to go anywhere...

i am planning to buy mom big bunches of roses this week though, so i hope i can find a day to go to the flower market after work.

說穿了，

說到底，是我沒自信。可是我不知道自信要往那裡找。我覺得隨便找個甚麼人都比我好，我覺得我可以隨時隨地被取代，這樣地缺乏自信令我時常失心瘋。

近來的問題是，我持績很想與人談天，但我總沒法談到問題的關鍵。晚上常常醒來好幾次，同樣的惡夢不斷出現，掙扎著起不了身，是被鬼壓還是壓力大，我都搞不清楚。

上星期想狠下心關閉這裡，今天又回來了，始終有個地方寫下心裡的事，也沒有甚麼不好。理智告訴我，這不是抑鬱的時候，趁著還青春，趁著還可以，應該好好享受人生，做些喜歡做的事情，見些喜歡見的人，不要找些牽掛來糾纏自己。

但心是自由的，心是獨立的，心喜歡怎樣是腦管不了的，心要飛往那個方向是我愛莫能助的，所以一個我眼睜睜看著另一個我，裡裡外外在困獸鬥，剛剛逃出來了，轉個念又回到原點。

我最快樂的時候，竟然是我趕稿的時候，甚麼都忘了，一心一意，幹一件事，在風花裡執著於字與字。但當我發現我的快樂建立在身邊的人和事之上，我意識到我的處境很危險。

又過了一個周末，日子是飛快似地過去的，但我等的東西還未等到，是不是等就會到呢？我也不知道，可是等待是一顆植了根的種子，就這樣蔓生下去不休不止。

be brave enough.

sometimes i am afraid that if i put my whole heart and the best of my efforts into making something work, i will end up being an idiot.

but it takes a little courage to make things happen, and most of the time, it takes an idiot.

midnight sonata

there is so much that i want to write about and i think i am about to end up writing nothing. i am only doing this because i want to talk to someone about something but there is not anyone specific to talk to or anything specific to talk about. in fact, i think i am not so good at talking anymore, there are always so many thoughts jamming my mind up but not enough words to express them clearly. (and not enough time given, and afterall, why would people be interested?) and when you talk to people you don't just talk, you are engaged in a conversation and everything you say or feel or understand will be related to and responded by the other party. even when there are battles to pick you should pick the right battles only. i think i have been more of a listener than speaker these years, or at least i think i am more likable when i am that way. and there is no midnight sonata. there are pathetique and of course, moonlight sontana. do you sometimes feel that the things you find interesting interest you alone? or maybe that's enough to be on your own in your own craze. dive into it, then. and swim.

i watched the sun until it set.

it turned from a yellow light bulb to an orange egg yolk.

sweet tangerine, would you please come back to me.

i cannot fight ridiculous dreams

they happen every night and it is so tiring. i feel less haunted though these days, after he had come and left my problem of sleep paralyze seems to have disappeared.  but if i am to recollect all my dreams this week and write them out/ or draw them out one after another, i could make a quite decent series of stories that covers a trip to africa, a lovely baby boy, a village of giant pizzas, and a shrimp-turned-caterpillar. (the last one was horribly freakish.)

the lovesickness is not so bad this time.  i only cried at the airport for a brief while, and then became slightly depressed for a few days.  but i count on the growing affection i have for my job.  it scares me sometimes though, as the competition is quite strong.  from time to time there are people writing in to offer their services as writers... for my boss.  i think it is quite a mean thing to do, (it is literally a backstabbing thing to do, like stealing someone's boyfriend/girlfriend,) especially when they know that he has got an in-house writer already.  or maybe it's the real world. (does the real world work this way?)  :/ it gives me tremendous pressure sometimes, and it hurts my dignity. maybe i am not mature enough, but most of the time it makes me feel like i am not good enough.  or maybe he deserves someone better, if i cannot be the best.  well, if it can be stolen away it's probably not mine.  (but i have worked so hard for it, since the very beginning, what have they done?) i can't deny that i feel offended.  i am taught to confront my true feelings though, no matter how good or bad they are.  i used to be in denial of my own feelings all the time because i felt wrong to feel negative towards people/ things. but i am not perfect and obviously no saint.  can people show a little respect and not play on someone else's playground?  i think that is a natural thing to do.  if people know how to be respectful there would not have been wars or broken families or pollution. no?

at least it pushes me to read up and write more and do my best.  

quietness

overwhelms my little self. lately, i have been writing a lot but not for myself. my love had come and is now gone, life has gone from earth to heaven and back to earth. normal it is. happy i guess. no one spends a whole life on vacation, though one may spend a whole life in love. maybe i am not so experienced with departure still, even when i have experienced it a lot. i will try to devote myself into what i have put aside. the new languages. the books. the piano. the ukulele. everything i have found to keep my soul companied. such sweet companies. so i don't become shallow or empty. so new things come in. so i become a better me. what i have learnt so far - i love you and you love me. i will try to go to bed tonight, and come awake with no exhausting dreams.

the last thought on my mind

before i fell asleep yesterday evening, after an early start of the day to the airport and then to work, was that "i am an experienced long-distance lover." so like every time before i know i will be fine. i will get used to the distance soon, and suddenly we will be next to each other again. 

i fell into a sleep of 16 to 17 hours. departure is certainly miserable. but only with departures can i be able to enjoy the many times of countdown and reunion we have. and with each trip i fall in love with him all over again, and this love gets closer to my heart each time. 

十個朝與暮

兩情若是久情時，又豈在朝朝暮暮。

兩個人千辛萬苦拼湊下來，在冬未完時春未至，勉強找到十個朝與暮。數著算著兩三天，快到了全身戀愛的時節。收拾了房間，染黑了頭髮，瘋狂地敷mask，修葺了濃眉。把連身裙找出來，一條一條燙得筆直。把伴在床邊的書捎起來，一本一本回歸書架。好好享受這漫長的倒數，到他來了，日子又將飛快得像風一樣。

兩個人的時候，我們習慣過兩個人的日子。因為時間太少，相處成為了必然的需要。

central station

for two mornings in the central mtr station there was an old lady. she came to me and asked, "hey little girl, could you give me two dollars for a ride home?" so for two mornings i gave her what she asked, and i saw her asking other people for the same thing. i didn't know if i was encouraging her to do so. but she was so happy just to get two dollars, it wasn't much, i would have bought her a breakfast, too, if that was what she wanted. but it was heartbreaking. one of my biggest nightmares, besides dirty bathrooms, is to see old people being hungry and homeless. i often remind myself to work hard so i can give a warm and comfortable life to my mom. i think it's sad that hong kong leaves old people wandering around helplessly, while our government is considerably rich.

i wonder if she will still be there tomorrow.

sleep paralyze

these days i have been haunted by sleep paralyze  chinese people say it's ghost-pressing-on-the-bed. it doesn't feel good anyway. sometimes i dream of some presence in my room, like a big pile of darkness. in the middle of the night i hear someone using my keyboard. it's either some spirit, the ghost of my dad or me going mental. 

i have learnt not to care or be scared, as long as i can still be sleeping sound and sweetly. but even sleeping fails me. i used to love sleeping so much, to the extent that every time i lay down on my bed i thought to myself how i was blessed to be able to go to bed comfortably after a day of hard work.

i checked wikipedia out and according to folklore of most cultures, from china to thailand, finland and south america, sleep paralyze is related to some spirit/ghost/a witch pressing against the sleeper's heart.

i am simply depressed. 

he loves me.

sometimes when i think about the first time i met him, it feels so surreal. how can two people come together and create so many stories? i never thought he would be my first and only, and now i think he will even be the end of me, the one man i will share my bed with for the rest of my life. at least this is what i am willing to work towards -- a happy ever-after with him.

i love that he loves me, because i love him so.

today

i feel like i have not lived for a long time. i have only been in love. i have only been working. i have only been spending time with my family. i have only been coughing a lot. these are all wonderful things to spend time on, but the little girl inside me wants more of books, movies, music and written words.

finally there is a weekend when work does not have to go home with me. to celebrate i went to the art museum spending 30 minutes on 15 minutes of eternity, thanks to andy warhol. i felt lovely being at the museum in my little black dress. i love how all his self-portraits made self-love a cool thing. i even thought he looked nice. he was hardly handsome, but i like his style.

i have been horribly forgetful lately, and all the things i forgot are driving me crazy.

歲月撫平了我的棱角

教曉我學會惜福，慢慢把日子的點滴溫柔種下來，花還會開，會成大器。

只怪我還是個心易傷的人，那麼易傷心，不過口難開。我只是靜靜的怔了怔，有點愕然，一下手撥手的動作，一下而已，到底是朋友，別放在心上。

老闆想要豪邁的文章，我還未寫得出來，歲月撫平了我的棱角，讓我學會了收歛，我是個淡淡然的人，字字是點滴，像水花，輕輕的交待生命，習練如風的優雅。人生裡的各種苦痛，再蝕骨也好，成了字就得漂亮，那字是承著芭蕾舞者的指尖，讓身心的重量點點的飛，一下，一下。

這兩天，感冒遇上無眠夜，塌下來的還有工作，才不過是26又兩三天，何以如此侷促？快樂的時候，往往忘了寫，現在總得記兩句，感激最親最愛的媽媽，把我捧到掌心裡去呵去護，感激可愛的家人，與我共富貴共艱難，感激北國的愛人，時刻把我烙在心上，身再遠心也是近的，還有位位玩伴摯友，為我慶生多年，謝謝友愛。

i wanted to say that it was the worst day ever.

but i know that it was not, because there had been worse days. worse days like when dad was drunk, like when dad was sick, like when dad died, like when i had to go on working two days without sleep, like when the family was on the edge of falling apart, like when i had no boy to love me, like when i had to work even harder and got paid little, like when i realized how my misery became someone's gossip. today was not so bad afterall. i just need to get some sleep and recover fast.

coughing my lungs out

i wonder what will happen if i keep coughing and going on without sleep. my head is hurting like hell. please let me sleep. i have a lot of work to be done still. i must get well.

關於恐懼

它是一雙濕潤陰冷的手，緊緊揪住你的心房。
那片刻幾乎透不過氣來了。
幸好靜默沒有帶來壞消息。
那樣的緊張時刻，慢多半拍我都心臟病發。
小女子不受得嚇哩......

事情是這樣的，
原來真心愛一個人，
愛會把他變成骨肉相連的摯親。
我終於理解，
我在機動遊戲上一貫地慘叫時，
他為何會陷入極度恐慌。

兩個星期了，半夜頻頻驚醒，
日夜擔憂，膽戰心驚。

既然都這麼愛大家了，
是不是要想想辦法不再相隔那麼遠哩。

親愛的神和天使們

求求您們讓他好起來，
讓他吃喝得好，睡也睡得好，
像從前一樣健康快樂。

我還要他與我共度餘生啊。

心頭塊肉

我心頭裡有一塊肉，深深的，在深深處，血管千絲萬縷，連根糾結，蔓蔓的、慢慢的，植滿了牽連，寸寸痴，串串纏。

彤彤不要撇，脈脈不得語。

勿忘初衷

第一年的最後一天。

一年前為了甚麼走到這裡，
一年後就為了甚麼走下去。:)

就像活了一百歲，
以後的每一天都是創舉。

it is too big now,

and i am way too small. 

it is far beyond words. 

it becomes a treasure way too dear. 

a relationship i have always wanted. 

a boy i love to love.

what does ME want?

i have pondered on this for long, what does ME want? 

it turns out to be very simple: what i want is to keep what i have, because what i have is what i want. life may be a quest but my quest is long over, (i think.) i always sort of think that my life started earlier than others, (and i am not being dramatic.)

i have wanted to give my mom a good and comfortable life. (but she makes life good and comfortable for me.) make her happy. (but she is a happy person on her own.) make her proud. (but she is always proud of us no matter what.) i have tried my best to be giving but it's not possible when you are dealing with a person so giving. whatever you give, she gives twice as much or even more. so i just want to love her and treat her the best i can. (and be like her if i can.)

i have wanted to be a writer. so i am now, a writer for a jewelry master. an editor also. (and a translator.) i am happy with my job, so happy that i am often afraid of losing it. i am told that i worry too much. but i can't help myself. when i was little i used to freak myself out with my own thoughts (a lot.) i got so scared of all the horrible things that might happen, so i prayed very hard at night, being very precise and specific with my prayers regarding what i hoped would not happen.

i have wanted to be a loving woman to the man i love. maybe i am still a girl, and he a boy. (if 20 something is still young.) we don't have much time together. (but all the time we have together is all that matters.) i used to think that someone like me would never find love. (i thought one had to be perfect to be loved, or very brave, or very lucky.) so every bit of it is a bliss now. 

these are the big ones. 

and then there are the small ones:

i want to read a lot. play a song with my ukulele. learn a new language. practice my handwriting. make a cake sometimes. take some photos. play a little piano. and write a book.

because, because, because

all the time we had together,
lately or long ago
is simply beautiful.

when life gives you lemons, google them, too.

the joy of googling is that you can pretty much google everything, though sometimes the answers you find are not really answers you want or need, but at least, there is something. i often panic when i fail to google something, like a word that does not exist, or a story that i have heard, but it is not on the internet. i think i am kind of obsessed with google, eventually i will have to quit, but not just yet. it is so helpful, especially at work, and at many other earthly things. it kind of makes me smarter, and faster, as long as you are curious enough, it will give you some clues. 

today i googled "how to stop obsession", "how to cure depression" and "how to stop worrying." i am so pathetic. but finally i am able to laugh at myself. it is just one phrase, you have been through worse, and there is no way you can't deal with it now. to a certain extent it must be sort of mental, i wonder if i am the only one around loaded with worries about the many maybes ahead. 

have you ever felt that you are stuck in a life you don't know how to continue? you want to stay pretty and young but you know you will grow old and fade away. you want to establish love and relationship with people but you know they will die, and you will, too. you want to live but you know sometimes the most unexpected misery happens when you think you are enjoying life at its best. sometimes i lose all interest to move even because it seems quite pointless at one point. (but of course you have to move on. there must be some meaning in it all.)

i have this "suddenly i am there" trick, which is sometimes good, and sometimes bad. it's a great comfort when i am dreaming of something, or counting down to something good, or getting over miserable moments. i know surly that suddenly i will be at another moment, somewhere else, but, what is bad about it is, i may be 48-year-old already the next time i pay attention and check and write my way back.

maybe it's time to try learning a new language again. at least i am blessed in the sense that i am curious and always keen on the idea of learning something (usually things that i suck at or things that are not useful though.)

For the many farewells I bade

So I read a story about a mother and a daughter bidding each other farewell at the airport, wishing each other “enough”. My family tradition (which started by my father during the days when I was having my public exam) is a bit different, instead of wishing us enough, my parents wish us “good luck”. Well, indeed, I think it is common in Thailand, too, saying “chok dee ka/krap” everytime you say goodbye.

I have a very big family, but it also feels very small because most of our relatives are scattered around the world. Growing up, life has mostly been about my parents and siblings. The one place I often go to is the airport, bidding farewells to people I love, picking them up, bidding farewells again. In the first half of my lived life I always traveled with my family, these years I travel alone a lot. It is kind of romantic taking a big yellow suitcase to work in the morning and rushing to the airport in the evening, sometimes it feels like I am merely going from one side of Hong Kong to the other side (which I do everyday.)

Living this life now is like living my old life all over again. When I was little I listened to my parents speaking in their languages with people from their countries, trying to figure out what they were talking about. Thai and Teochew are easy to pick up, but Urdu and Punjabi are difficult. With long years of rehearsing, the idea of foreign languages is not so foreign, even when I am in a room filled with unknown sounds and syntax it is still somehow so much like childhood.

But farewells are something you don’t get used to, everytime I bid someone goodbye I deem it as the last time. I think wishing someone “good luck” is rather wise, because, afterall and first of all we are lucky to survive, secondly and last but not least, we are lucky to see those we love, and love those we see. You never know if the person you bid farewell to will still be there when you return, and you know not whether the love will still be there either. (The love from family is always there though. :) )

i have been trying hard not to fit in.

i will always be awkward. i will always be clumsy.
i will always be writing and reading and nerdy.
i will always have strange thoughts at wrong moments,
and be poetic in a city too fast to afford it,
and be romantic in a life too ordinary to be so,
and think too surly at an age too young,
and talk about life like i know it.

but as always, i will try my best and hopefully,
as always
i will somehow

make it.

you make a decision, and you stick with it.
i suck at making small decisions, it takes me ages.
but the big ones, i have had them made already.

saturday

hair up in a messy bun. tiny self tucked in his sweater.

very warm chocolate topped with whipped cream.

it almost feels like i was there.

when i am in love i am head over heels kind of absorbed.

photograph each day

so we can live forever.

i should not dwell on it anymore.
but it dwells on me.

i take random photos of people i love,
sometimes when they are not looking,
sometimes when they are sleeping.
that is my way to have moments seized,
that is my only way, other than writing.

each photo will eventually remind me of something,
when and where
with whom and what for,
sweet smiles, good food, sunsets, lovely wanderings.

it's not because i am asian, or chinese.
(i don't even have my own camera.)

all i need are photos to show my mom,
and later my children, if i will ever have any,
as well as something to remember my own existence,
the very far way i have gone,
and the prettiest days i have lived.

do that little trick, please.

do that little trick to shrink yourself. minimize your own existence so you don't feel yourself so much. so all the hearts under your skin stop beating so loud. so your eyebrows do not frown. so you care more about others. so you understand that the universe spins not around you, and that it's alright for your world to be quiet. so you care less about what may or may not be. so you ache less, worry less and you live better.

please, cherry, please.

hey dear, i am back.

i think a little blogging will not hurt.

even when it's winter there are still ants crawling on my bed (and me.) i have no idea why they love it so much here. i have a principle of not killing ants when it's not necessary, because my dad told me once that they were simply going their own way, and we were not supposed to hurt or kill anything just because we could. maybe that's why, they know you won't hurt them, so they stick with who they feel safe with.

enough about ants. i have been to denmark again, after 4 long months of waiting and lovesickness. but the waiting was rewarding, the lovesickness was, too. i was seriously spoiled with some of the most love-filled and hygge-filled days in my life, happy and grateful as a girl can be. 

but i owe my friends an apology. in the past year i was so busy falling in love and making my career work that i often disappeared. this year, 2013, i am hoping to make it up to them. 

2012 went well though, there was a great amount of hardship work-wise, and i could not count how many nights i got off work crying on my way home. i have spent a plenty amount of time whining, but after nine months of struggle my days have dawned. i really would love to stick with my boss if he would let me. maybe it is also because sometimes the little things about him remind me of my dad, despite the fact that i really love being a writer-editor. i am told by a fortune-teller that 2013 would mean a tough and challenging year for me. oh i fear. but it has been long since i last lived an easy year indeed. i will just have to live it up no matter what.

so, stop dwelling in the past, and fear not the future. the present is all that i should be concerned with. the future is, afterall, made up with all the moments you have made. in so short a life to live, every little thing counts. (i know how cheesy these sound, but words empower minds and hearts.)

nothing ever goes to waste.

i just need a little time to fight this entangling lovesickness that has been haunting all my dreams, and adjust myself from heavenly days to earthly matters.

命裡的人

有緣千里能相會，無緣見面不相識。

我很想他。

可是還是要回家。從前還懂得硬著頭皮不哭，裝著獨立走到他看不見的地方，現在是一點點離開的想法都受不了，淚就是要流，人就是要抱著不肯放手。可是媽媽掛念我了，我還有未完的工作，人不能太任性，要好好抓緊從前那知足的自己，十天八天都滿懷安慰了，感謝上天給我一個如意郎君。往後也是要努力工作，在寫作裡磨練身心。如果是真愛，我們會堅持，無論在天涯海角之間有著甚麼。

親愛的神和天使們，我就只想愛這男孩子。