what does ME want?

i have pondered on this for long, what does ME want? 

it turns out to be very simple: what i want is to keep what i have, because what i have is what i want. life may be a quest but my quest is long over, (i think.) i always sort of think that my life started earlier than others, (and i am not being dramatic.)

i have wanted to give my mom a good and comfortable life. (but she makes life good and comfortable for me.) make her happy. (but she is a happy person on her own.) make her proud. (but she is always proud of us no matter what.) i have tried my best to be giving but it's not possible when you are dealing with a person so giving. whatever you give, she gives twice as much or even more. so i just want to love her and treat her the best i can. (and be like her if i can.)

i have wanted to be a writer. so i am now, a writer for a jewelry master. an editor also. (and a translator.) i am happy with my job, so happy that i am often afraid of losing it. i am told that i worry too much. but i can't help myself. when i was little i used to freak myself out with my own thoughts (a lot.) i got so scared of all the horrible things that might happen, so i prayed very hard at night, being very precise and specific with my prayers regarding what i hoped would not happen.

i have wanted to be a loving woman to the man i love. maybe i am still a girl, and he a boy. (if 20 something is still young.) we don't have much time together. (but all the time we have together is all that matters.) i used to think that someone like me would never find love. (i thought one had to be perfect to be loved, or very brave, or very lucky.) so every bit of it is a bliss now. 

these are the big ones. 

and then there are the small ones:

i want to read a lot. play a song with my ukulele. learn a new language. practice my handwriting. make a cake sometimes. take some photos. play a little piano. and write a book.