they happen every night and it is so tiring. i feel less haunted though these days, after he had come and left my problem of sleep paralyze seems to have disappeared. but if i am to recollect all my dreams this week and write them out/ or draw them out one after another, i could make a quite decent series of stories that covers a trip to africa, a lovely baby boy, a village of giant pizzas, and a shrimp-turned-caterpillar. (the last one was horribly freakish.)
the lovesickness is not so bad this time. i only cried at the airport for a brief while, and then became slightly depressed for a few days. but i count on the growing affection i have for my job. it scares me sometimes though, as the competition is quite strong. from time to time there are people writing in to offer their services as writers... for my boss. i think it is quite a mean thing to do, (it is literally a backstabbing thing to do, like stealing someone's boyfriend/girlfriend,) especially when they know that he has got an in-house writer already. or maybe it's the real world. (does the real world work this way?) :/ it gives me tremendous pressure sometimes, and it hurts my dignity. maybe i am not mature enough, but most of the time it makes me feel like i am not good enough. or maybe he deserves someone better, if i cannot be the best. well, if it can be stolen away it's probably not mine. (but i have worked so hard for it, since the very beginning, what have they done?) i can't deny that i feel offended. i am taught to confront my true feelings though, no matter how good or bad they are. i used to be in denial of my own feelings all the time because i felt wrong to feel negative towards people/ things. but i am not perfect and obviously no saint. can people show a little respect and not play on someone else's playground? i think that is a natural thing to do. if people know how to be respectful there would not have been wars or broken families or pollution. no?
at least it pushes me to read up and write more and do my best.
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