i googled.

yesterday i googled my dad. and i found a message of him left on a urdu poetry forum. it was 30 july, 2004 at  6:50am. it was a friday. i couldn't read urdu at all. and online translator couldn't help me. i felt a bit sad and a bit surreal. 

sometimes i still log in to his e-mail account, just to take a look at his old e-mails. sometimes i feel like that i would love the chance to know more about him. my memory has started to fail me. and i am afraid of him becoming a stranger. 

yesterday i found out that hotmail has locked his e-mail account because it has not been accessed for too long. i wonder if i should just leave it like that forever. 

from time to time i still suffer. 

i have a fortune teller laid out my life path. so far her calculation has been accurate. the other day i took a look at the few pieces of paper she wrote for me. it was, again, surreal. my whole life is there, each decade composed of few sentences.  it seems so easy.  but so flimsy, too.

that is why i have to write, and take pictures from time to time, if there is something i want to leave behind. if my dad is this dear to me, i must be as dear to my children.