monday

if you deserve something, you will have something. if something doesn't come to you, something isn't meant for you. if you have to ask, it's not yours.

you can't force things to happen, anything that you force to happen will become a seed of doubt in your heart and grows its roots all the way until everything falls apart.

it's strange that apart from the usual depression i spend a week on every month, my stomach is suddenly very into vomiting. it cannot take any pressure to the extent that i cannot even stand wearing a bra. yea, real charming walking around without a bra with boobs so ridiculously small.  

i know all the tricks to be lovely. i know that confidence is a charmer and if you don't have it you can fake it. i know that it's considered cool being able to walk away from anything. but i cannot be anything like that. i spend my days being quiet writing about things that interest me alone, and become so stupidly happy when someone tells me that they like what i write, or that they are a bit interested in the strange thoughts in my head. a little affection goes a long way. i believe that there are two kinds of people who succeed in the end, the kind that knows how to play smart, and the kind that focuses and works hard. i can't play smart. when your heart rules your mind you can't be too smart.

well, so i come here to write. after i die my children or grandchildren will have something to read about, if they care. if they are anything like me they must care a bit though. i love leaving traces of my life behind. but now i am very very far behind. i can see that i am behind many things. the last trick i know is that, if you don't focus too much on yourself, and if you minimize your own existence, it does not matter.

but you should not do that. unless you're a Buddhist. you can always choose to be a Buddhist though.

i think people blog because people have things that they want to share with someone but they don't know who to share things with so they share things on their blogs with their invisible audience.  if i were born with an artist's talent i would make art instead, or if i were a little more musical i would make music. there are some cooler ways to express oneself, and there are some ways that are uncool. but we all have our own ways.