the rabbitch

i have to harden my heart so i don't get bullied too much. i used to think that it would be better to just be nice and polite to people, and be extra nice and polite to mean people. but being nice and polite sometimes means you have to compromise a lot, and sometimes a lot more than you can handle. i can still do it now, in my 20s and still have fair energy. however, what i can foresee is that soon i will be old and less energetic but more overloaded than i am now. 

i have tried not to write, so i don't whine, and will appear less like a whiner. but i don't see why i can't do it when it helps unleash my negative feelings. i only whine about little things. i have experienced greater miseries, and with those whining could not help. there were times when the sadness could be so heavily impressed that all incentive to speak was lost. it's lucky enough that there are things that can be talked away.  once spoken/written they become less important. 

but for now, i just wish i could talk about it so it doesn't damage me too much inside. i have tried reasoning. for nights i have written a dialogue in my head, of myself talking to my very self.  i understand that all are illusions and none is permanent.  i understand also that nothing i have is truly mine, and nothing will ever be mine truly except for my own wisdom. i understand that we are only walking molecules. i understand it fair enough to unleash my sufferings for a nice while, but my understanding of what i have understood seems also impermanent.

it is only a little frustrating that what you are able to gain is not even half as much as what you are willing to give.