because i am dramatic and passionate

the frequency of these updates indicates my state of mind, and obviously today i am not in a good state. my friend P talked about the idea of how we'd rather have someone who comes to you because he/she likes you instead of him/her thinking you are his/her boyfriend/girlfriend and taking it as an obligation to stay connected, faithful and all. true, and then i think about how scary it is when love falls into routines.

i suppose most of us are sort of automatically faithful when we are in love. i have lost all strength to flirt with anybody else but him. i cannot imagine kissing anybody else but him. i want to be with nobody else but him. my mind is occupied by nobody else but him. my butterflies come alive for nobody else but him.

but when i weren't sure if i were a girlfriend i sort of struggled to let go. i sort of forced myself to seek possibilities outside of us. though i had my heart set long ago my mind constantly asked it to close his part down. i guess i will always need his affection to keep me automatically his.

can our rationality manipulate our emotional self for real and fully?

but i don't want someone to love me in terms of the future we can create. even the sick and the dying can be loved, i reckon, so what if our distance is long? do you count your love on how much time you can spend with that one person? it would be nice if i could spend as many days as i want with him, but i would always be happy even if it was just for one day or two, 3 weeks or four, 3 years or more. all i know is that i get to make the most out of the limited.

i tried and it was less likely a happy-ending story if i were to get a short-distance love when i sort of knew that if i were to be patient and suffer the lonesome hours i would have a chance to eventually possess the almost perfect ever-after.

it is that coziness i had when i was with him that i am most addicted to, i felt like sinking down to the bottom of the ocean when he was around. the air became stable and still, and our moments sealed with sweetness and sheer innocence. i am in love with his ability to make me feel, even when he upsets me or like now, when the absence of him lingers in me.

i felt like we were only together because we wanted to be with each other. what else could we get out of each other anyways. i am wanted not in terms of the future i can or cannot give. it is only because of my being. i quite like the fact that whenever he comes to me it is purely because he wants to be with me despite all the realistic reasons or considerations one can summon. thus, i am now trying hard to let my expectations go and stop thinking of us in the context which others should consider normal.