kissmetillthemorninglight

youaremysweetestdownfall.ilovedyoufirst.ilovedyoufirst.

this samson song gives me depression last night. we can tell ourselves everything because we have the knowledge and the experience. we have lived long enough to know what to tell ourselves when we encounter different situations, but the longer we live the more cliche-like everything can sound, as time and history have stolen away meanings of the words. eventually what we have (though it is a lot that we have) will no longer be enough. we need new words, new ways to say them and new perspectives to see things. we need new things to be felt to make us feel less depressed.

but it is always the same things that make me happy. and it takes so little to make me happy. and the strange thing happens: though i am depressed now it does not mean i am not happy. i am happy, but i am depressed. they interchange too frequently that i almost believe that for some moments they are actually overlapping each other.

thus today i tell myself the universe works in a logic beyond me. i cannot force things. i cannot convince someone to love me. i cannot always get what i want because what i want may not necessarily be what i need. i wish for certain things because what i can see in life is always so limited. if i deserve more or better i would not have the slightest idea. it sounds cool to live that i-love-you-but-i-don't-need-you kind of thing, which almost makes everything simple and easy and light and fluffy, which has also been proven to be the magical element to get who you want. but no i am not that cool. i can be independent and less clingy and needy but it does not eliminate the fact that i do need a boy in my life and i will eventually need him to love me back. it is only for now, the i-do-not-care-rather-he-loves-me-back thing. i must deserve some sort of fairy-tale like happiness eventually, i reckon, so i will be patient and i will wait.

my life is full, you know, because i have been making the most out of it already. i have been living it in the most meaningful way i can. i have been doing my best to love and give and enjoy life. these are the reasons why i am still lovesick. i have already maximised my capacity to do the things worthwhile. it would simply perfect my life if i can, too, indulge myself in some romantic victories.

yesterday my boss asked me what i'd like to do in the future and i found myself silent. i want to spend my life making beautiful things and making things beautiful but that does not necessarily mean a progressive career. after about 2 years of (more than) full-time work i have realised that i will always feel small being attached to someone else's establishment. i cannot wait to be free and independent and still be able to earn enough. (oh does that mean i want to be a rich hippie? it would be nice though.)