i bet most girls at my age have fancied about marrying prince william, it is just a matter of having said it out loud or not. i used to say it out loud all the time, believing in the magic that when a lie got repeated a hundred times it would eventually become the truth.but i am never that patient, i have said too many things too many times and most of them contradict themselves to the extent that they could only vanish along one another.
i realise that i dare not digging into the details of these royal fancies. when i was 14 and dreamt of such things it was kind of cute, but now i am 24. i am 24! i have already been feeling loser-like enough. i am, after all, still being pretty much confined by social norms and ideologies. first of all i cannot see myself married in the visible future, secondly i cannot see myself progressing with a progressive career, thirdly i don't really think i can just ditch the ring and have the fun either, and so now i am stuck in a whole lot of nothingness regarding personal matters that should matter big time according to the social ruler.
oh but i have my own ruler. i should stick with my own measurement.
so on holidays i put on my flowery jumpsuit, keep my hair loose and hop around the house in a hippie-like style. i am addicted to hot lemon tea and anything sugary sweet. i keep going back to my piano, burying my head into music sheets i cannot read. nothing engages me when everything engages me. my attention is scattered everywhere. from music to books to movies to sleep and to my very own sugar coma.
i think i can go swimming on monday if the weather is nice enough. i hope to spend the whole afternoon daydreaming underwater.
i can't help but think that this is the year. if i am to make anything happen, this is the year. i am going to make it my year. all i need is just a bit more wisdom, guts and good luck. (and maybe motivation from time to time, since i am completely lazy when i don't need to work.)
at this very moment all i want is some ice-cream.
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