to go or not to go?

this is the question.

i have never felt so threatened by a trip. it's like everything has come together for a demostration against the trip. this time i am really afraid of not being able to return home safely. it's just bangkok. i have been there too many times in my life. so why do i fear now? i wasn't even afraid of going to indian. i have bought two travel insurances already. just in case. if anything happens, i've at least got something for my little bro and little sis.

and suddenly i realize how small my family is since dad passed away. i prefer being the one whom other people count on because it's better than having to count on someone. independence feels good. in hong kong it's only a family of 4 now, plus my dog. my favourite elder sister is in america. sometimes i envy her courage to go somewhere so far away. ever since i was young i have always wanted to go somewhere. to learn a different culture and speak a different language. and write a different story.

i guess it's not my time yet.

i think it's what it's like to be the eldest one in a family. you place your family's needs before yourself. the greatest mission of my life is to nurture my little ones into their best beings. if something can wait, something is possibly mine for good. i don't want to rush for happiness all the time. such kind of happiness has only ever been short-lived.