day zero

my world is so quiet. there are not any unread messages to reply. or phone calls to answer. not when my office desk is covered up by documents of different kinds. not when lunch was there, and not when office hours ended. the world turned silent when he was not around.

it's only 20 days, and i would have to let him go even if it meant longer. i never want to be a girl who pulls people back. maybe i do not have the power. but i'd rather wish my power to be a power that can lift someone up and help him/her fly. (it sounds very cliche-like though.) but i don't have that power yet, either.

i will always be the one who stays behind. it has ever been like this. with people, i make plans that may never happen. but i keep doing it. because it satisfies me already, being able to plan those plans and dream those dreams, surround myself with unlimited possibilities. reality does not matter to me unless it has to. the only times it matters to me are the times of sickness and death and bills amount to stacks. at other times i wander in a language beyond reality.

if i live my life upon ordinary logics, i would have gone mad already. because everything will then be too much to take.

am i a victim of my optimism? well at least my optimism prevents me from knowing it and feeling victimized.