let me whine. let me whine.

one of my greatest fears (among the million fears i have come to encounter) is the fear that i may eventually give every piece of me away and leave myself no choice. so everyday i tell myself to be more controlling. but nothing is ever under my control.

maybe it's time to say goodbye to europe for good. it's time to realize that i will never get there. it sounds as easy as an air ticket of $8000 only. i earn more than a double of that sum at the age of 23 but still, every month there is nothing left. i have been trained by the new me to think for hours before buying a dress. or else i would possibly regret for the old me being impulsive. but it's not really about me. i do not matter. me, myself, solely can survive on 10% of what i earn, no problem. the fact is god knows it too, and what god always likes to do is to maximize one's capacity. i am completely overloaded. i have been so for almost 2 years now. but god says no worries, there's space.

sometimes i despair. despite my usual efforts to cheer myself up and put worries aside. i wonder if anyone really understands what is going on in me. i am happy to be a useful person. it's my pleasure to be contributive. it makes me feel like a strong, tough woman. but it doesn't mean long hours of work and stacks of bills do not stress me out. yet there are so many needs to cater. i can't relax. i can't do it for real.

i hope i am not whining. but i can't not whine. i know i am depressing. but i am depressed. maybe it's hormones. or maybe it's just life.

i hate seeing someone who cares so little about money worry so much about money problems. i hate that person being me. and as a matter of fact i am not even greedy. i am ashamed of myself for not being able to live up to my guts and live my life as i wish. i hate the smothering clouds above my head, its never ending quest and waterpouring stress.

ok time for bed. another working day going to begin at 7am tomorrow. luckily it's still related to art or everyday would be suffocating.