strange fear

meeting her often reminds me of my first experience on stage in a singing contest. it was disastrous and horrible. i didn't remember the lyrics. everyone was staring at me. i could not even find my voice. i had no idea why i was there. or why i had to put myself out there.

it was humiliating.

i think i met her first in 2007, that was 3 years ago. at first i found her gorgeous, and then i realised that she was also one of the most successful women in our society. how can someone be so smart, beautiful, energetic, clear-minded and absolutely perfect? i get so nervous everytime i see her, that my mind goes blank and my tongue turns tied. everytime i end up talking in broken english with empty words. she is too good, i feel weak immediately. the secret castle i built in me collapses right at her approach. the nicer she is to me the more i have to panic. oh it has been such a nightmare. i love seeing her, and hate having me seen. like a little fans standing in front of her super idol, thinking "i will never be good enough."

maybe it is because my confidence has been built on the fact that everyone and everything has to be flawed in some ways, that perfection exists in imperfection. but this lovely woman in front of me shows how exactly someone can be so nearly flawless. my flaws get all alert in her presence, like hands that squeeze my neck so hard i can almost suffocate.

i feel so defeated. this woman's effect on me is greater than even most handsome men. today i took the challenge again and failed in every possible way. i again acted like a stupid barbie doll, a vase, a cherry just small in terms of both form and meaning. i always know that i am good enough, and i will always be better - except that everytime i see her my belief disappears.

my desires to be better and matter are then awake. i can't wait to make things happen, to grow and to glow. but how? oh strange fear, speak to me.