ridiculous thoughts

i think i am suffering from some major confidence and self-esteem issues. it would be rather stupid to say how one encounter might have crushed me. and i would rather, in most possible ways, deny it. i would choose to act mature and explain to myself how it was only one time and it would not matter. but then i can't, i can't and i still can't. i am still constantly feeling small and not particularly useful, special or worthy. of course i know i am not like any of those. but these feelings won't go away.

my friend told me that the first step to a soul-searching journey is to not start such a journey. oh but i feel like i need to do something before having myself further crushed.

i used to read Jane Eyre when i felt depressed and unimportant, just to realise that Jane is like me and i am not lonely. she is not pretty, but she is passionate.

"Most true is it that 'beauty is in the eye of the gazer.' My master’s colourless, olive face, square, massive brow, broad and jetty eyebrows, deep eyes, strong features, firm, grim mouth, — all energy, decision, will, — were not beautiful, according to rule; but they were more than beautiful to me; they were full of an interest, an influence that quite mastered me, — that took my feelings from my own power and fettered them in his. I had not intended to love him; the reader knows I had wrought hard to extirpate from my soul the germs of love there detected; and now, at the first renewed view of him, they spontaneously arrived, green and strong! He made me love him without looking at me." - Jane Eyre on Mr. Rochester

"I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself." Jane Eyre on Herself

and me on me. i am so troubled by everything lately. the re-occurrence of nonrecurring dreams. but i have to stop looking outside myself for happiness. no one is supposed to make you happy, cherry, you are the only one with such obligations.