happy birthday

few days ago i had a dream of you, a dream flooded with the “i miss you, i have to see you” kind of agony, a dream so unfulfilling, hopeless and devastating, almost like a tragedy.

the irony is how much i struggled to wake up from it, and found me safe when i was finally waking up into the world, in which reality spoke “see you no more” a thousand times more truthfully.

i think it is an old story now, our departure. but some stories always make me cry, no matter how many times i have re-visited them, or how much time i have spent not re-visiting them.

maybe it is the way truth is told. time heals nothing. it only moves us on and leaves us space to be filled with other things. but chances of encounter with the pins of memories circulate, like that dream out of nowhere. suddenly it pins me everywhere.

the only way i can manage not to cry when i think of you is to not think of you. but it makes me guilty and empty not thinking of you. the very sight of your smile chokes me with thoughts and tightens my throat. i wish there are ghosts, or spirits, or souls, just to know that you do not just disappear.

but it’s too old a story now. i feel embarrassed still not being able to overcome this wave of sadness. it looks like i am immature and stubborn or probably just stupid. but for all my life you have been so extremely important.

euripides would say, “waste not fresh tears over old griefs.”

but there is no such thing as old griefs. each time it is renewed and refilled, as each day is another day, breaks with a new shade of hue.