a woman has only 400 chances in her life.

so i was told by the movie i watched last night, that a woman only gets 400 eggs in her life. i got my period when i was 14, and 12 x 10 = 120. i have used 120 of them already, with about 280 left.

isn't it a bit scary when things are numbered? it's like, we all know we are going to die someday, no one is immortal, my dad used to talk about how he was getting old and we had to be independent and strong, and that we needed to take care of one another, because one day he might just die in the sleep, and we couldn't count on him to live forever. it would scare me a bit but i could forget it right away, because we did not have the days numbered even by talking about that, because we were not scientifically acknowledged.

since i am not a scientist, science to me is more like a limitation, when romance gets me unlimited possibilities. or is science romantic? if only i was a scientist, i would love to invent things for real, too bad that i suck at maths.

"you really love kids, don't you?"
"why?"
"because your eyes totally sparkled when you saw them."

i have never thought about how much i love kids. i thought i just liked being with them, i like how they smell, the soft hair they have, the fact that they smile and cry all too easily, how energetic they are, how innocent their questions can be, and how they cling to me. they always make me feel lovely.

don't we all love being with someone whom we can love and pay attention to?

maybe i will have my first baby when i am 34, that was the age when my mother had me, i heard that a woman grows fully mature and healthy when she is 34, by that time i will have about 160 eggs left, maybe the 240th egg of mine will become my 1st baby. i think i want a boy first, and then a girl later.

how often do you think about things and smile to yourself? do people do that or is it only me? such happy thoughts.

i talk about the future like it is peter pan's neverland, where all possibilities come to play and good things happen. i think my mother influenced me here, as she loves all those dreamy talks about a future gloriously bright, even when our life got to a point where everything basically sucked and all hopes, if not dead, were supposed to be killed. but this woman is magical, and eventually she builds everything up again. she makes me believe in good things.

it is always just a matter of your state of mind.

i used to be with someone who attempted to turn all my dreamy talks into realistic talks, that was when my wishful thinking became clouds that smothered my free spirit. i can talk about, let's say, going to greece and living there for a year, and i can do that when chances come up, but that person can only tell me how dangerous or expensive it must be, what about your family? what about your job? what are you going to do there?

come on, most of the time i am just talking. when things happen they happen.