i am about to love myself more.

i think i have been the tin woodman. the tin woodman tries extra hard to be kind and careful with other beings, because he doesn't have a heart, he says, and he is willing to go all the way to earn a heart beating inside him, so he can love.

i am about to tell myself to get rid of the idea that i am undeserving. it has always been easy to see the good in people, and believe that they deserve things, most of the girls i know, i think they are nearly perfect and they can get whatever they want. but it has been hard for me to believe that i, deserve things, too. when i am sad i actually tend to think that i deserve to be tortured, or that sadness is indeed a gift, that i can feel, that i am blessed. is that what people call compromising? or am i really that optimistic? when i am too happy i freak out, i panic, seriously, thinking that life cannot be that good, who am i to deserve that much? i am not halfway good enough.

but tonight i have decided to drop that thought. i think i deserve things, that i deserve love and respect, and i deserve to be happy, too, just as much as everybody else does. if happiness opens his arms to me i will embrace him without a doubt.