when darkness turns to night

it ends tonight.

so this is my last day in brussels. tomorrow i will be off to copenhagen again and take my flight back home. i can't believe how fast time has passed, and how dramatic life suddenly is.

or it has always been dramatic. dramatic things happen to dramatic people. i think it's just similar to one of those stories i have about falling asleep instead of buying the lottery ticket that would win. it's just me and my life in which anything seems to be possible (at least anything stupid).

i am going home to a life with lots of work and no boyfriend. i only beg myself not to dive into relationships again so i can take a break from all that have already happened. my "go with the flow" attitude is ending me up badly. i have hurt the one who would go through all the troubles to be with me. i don't think anyone will ever love me that much anymore, because i am totally undeserving. i am going to have to live with this guilt for a very long time. and at the same time i am desperately longing for something that may never happen. why am i so tragically stupid? but stupidity actually makes me happy. i haven't been so happy in a very long time that i forgot how happiness felt like. although at the same time i am extremely sad. i have been told long time ago that people living on these extreme emotions will die early.

maybe this story tells us that if you can't move on, then don't. don't go around falling in love simply because you can. i always thought that life was too short to wait around, and i always thought that the worst case would be me getting my heart broken again (and that would be no big deal because even sadness was beautiful), because i never thought someone would take me so seriously. i thought i would always be the one left behind because i am a girl and boys will be boys.

i am sorry. i should have known how i felt. i over-estimated my ability in letting go. and then i really thought i was only in love with memories, and that i would be able to live a realistic life like everyone else, planning ahead about getting married and having kids and settling down with the perfect husband and an ordinary life.

but i am a hopeless romantic and i will always be one. and i miss the butterflies in my stomach. i thought they were dead but they came alive when i least expected them to.

tomorrow i will need to get up at 4 something in the morning for the flight. and then i will have approximately 5 hours in copenhagen. i don't know what i should do there indeed. today we went to Gent, and there were lots of beautiful old buildings. it would be nice if it were summer already, then the sun would be a lot brighter and the days would be less grey. it is the eat, pray, love kind of journey that i had. i went to quite a lot of churches, and then in brussels it's all about eating, and of course it's afterall about love even though i seem to be the only one in it.

i will miss angela and ravi very much. they have been so nice and caring. i hope i won't be crying like a baby again when i depart in the morning. goodnight.