the roars of destiny

today i took the time to google my name. according to wikipedia

Kismet may refer to:

• Fate or Destiny in Turkish and Urdu, a predetermined course of events, from Persian qesmat, from Arabic qisma, lot, from qasama, to divide, allot. Also used in Bulgarian and in some dialects of Serbo-Croatian as luck.

The first recorded use of the word in English was from Edward Backhouse Eastwick who used the word, spelled "kismat", in his 1849 novel, "Dry Leaves from Young Egypt".

then i realized how it must have been the roars of destiny that are constantly being unsettled in my blood. maybe that's why i am always disturbed by my own thoughts, the way they jump in out of nowhere, and the way all those images visualize themselves on the forefront of my mind without permission granted.

all my life i keep thinking that i have to do something. i only wish that i have the time.

but i sincerely thank my dad for having named me in the most meaningful way he could. i knew how he must have felt when i was born. :) i can love him forever for that particular moment of time. oh, i have already loved him through his forever. now i am going to continue to love him through mine.

sometimes i am still surprised by how often people can actually come to conclusions regarding what kind of a person you are before having known anything solid enough to make judgments about you. you know, "it's easy to look at people and make quick judgments about them, their present and their past, but you'd be amazed at the pain and tears a single smile hides. what a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of the iceberg hidden from sight. and more often then not, it's lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their souls."

i am not very comfortable with how people think i am too young or too inexperienced or too happy a person that i would not understand the dark sides of reality.

but maybe that proves how successful i am then, in beautifying things and romanticizing life so people do not see my reality as it actually is. i thank god for this amazing gift, it keeps people from their possible ability to imagine what i could already have experienced in this little life.

if i could i would just keep the light and lightness in my life, because it makes life easy. it keeps me happy and pretty - this invisibility of wounded memories and overwhelming weight upon my shoulders.

life could always be worse, and worse than you can ever imagine. that's why the touches of love and beauty and art and sugar and spice and all things nice happen to be so important. that's why i exaggerate over silly little things like loving a boy. that's why you don't really need to be so torn when you still have a choice. that's why you should really just be happy and pretty whenever you can, and embrace sadness to its guts whenever you need to. that's why you have to be open to feelings and let them circulate all over and deep inside you and enjoy the fact that you are actually able to feel a lot.

today i think about how scary it is when life because countable, i mean in the sense that you break down a lifetime into years and months and weeks and days and then hours. once i tried to count how many friday nights would there be in my life, and then i freaked out.

that ought to be one of those things i shouldn't spend too much time thinking about.