3 seconds of memory

my fish died yesterday night. and the sadness has really started to rush through me now. i think i have always been sort of slow in feeling things. maybe that's why i always only miss the water after it's gone.

i heard from milo that fish, they have only got 3 seconds of memory. so they are able to live many lives in one.

i can never imagine that. memories turn out to be too important in my life. i have been trying hard to remember things. people. places. my ideas or others'.

i bet we wouldn't really live that many different lives if we all possess just 3 seconds of memory. we would probably just live it all over again in the same ways, and again. and again. in the same ways.

just like how we usually fall in love with the same person, or the same versions of one person. because we want the good to be repeated. we laugh at the same old jokes, joke in the same old ways, and we laugh in the same old ways the same old jokes.

oh dear fish. it was sad not being able to greet you when i got home today. i am sorry that i never took good care of you. i enjoyed it though, the way you swam along the traces of my fingertip. i would have done it more often if i knew we were to part.

i am sorry for having said that you were ugly. i am sorry that i was so useless i only had the power to watch you die, helplessly.

i can't help feeling fragile and weak, knowing that i have not even the ability, to save just one little life.