if i won't be happy and pretty and carefree and successful when i turn 30

i will definitely be angry. because i am working my youth away now, working so hard, from day to night and from night to day and nothing is ever enough. things keep falling upon my shoulder. and i am the only one around here who is able to do something, although i am not that able either. at least i can always push myself a little bit further and harder just so i can make life easier for others.

i think it feels most strange when i know so well how lazy my bones were born to be, yet i have to be one of the most hardworking people i know, just so things can be kept in place and i can expect a good night of sleep (if i ever am lucky enough).

of course i whine. i can be a big whiner. a major one. in the most pathetic kind of way. because i am constantly overloaded. of course you won't know. you are not me. you have no idea.

and that's totally fine. what you see is what you get, a pretty happy girl who does not worry about much and who is never serious enough? so be it. i don't expect people to understand because my life is screwed up in the most ridiculous sense.

i think i enjoy this high speed of typing as it feels like i am really spilling something out. when indeed i have to remain quiet and silent because now i am in such a whining mode i'd better keep my mouth shut.

OK now be positive again.