season of the witch

oh my god, what am i. - sylvia plath

sometimes i am shocked by my own thoughts. i envy those who are always good-hearted and clear-minded, because i am not like that, i am half good, and half bad, i am always confused, i need to be constantly fighting my vices to be a good person, to be reflecting every day and night, and to put words into writing to get a grip of my ridiculous mind.

i remember how i used to hate my dad when he got drunk, and i used to wish that he would just disappear and leave us alone. but i had always loved him when he was sober, because he was one of the most meaningful people i could ever meet in my little life. and then one day he started disappearing into the hollow of death, and i realised how we should always be extremely careful with what we wish for.

i think i had the worst thoughts on japan, which happened to be the only country i had ever disliked. i disliked most things about her, from her history, culture to values. and everytime she made a noise i only wished that she did not exist.

i have to admit that i have had mixed feelings about this earthquake. and i am shocked by how my prejudice has at least for some minutes manipulated my humanity. for god's sake those are innocent people out there. how could i be so heartless? why am i taking it out on innocent souls? it makes me no different from the cruel japanese soldiers and whale hunters there whom i despise to a severe extent.

i think i can understand now why japan chose to be aggressive, it was merely because of fear, in terms of nature she did not have much to count on, one earthquake and everything could be gone in just a blink of the eyes. but still, no reason will ever be reasonable enough to justify cruelty.

maybe this unfortunate event should be viewed independently. or maybe not. because everything is linked to everything else in this universe, it is always sort of a butterfly effect across time and space.

the weather is again so nice here today. the sun shines through my window and it feels like summer almost. but i dare not to feel happy because part of the world is dying now. and then this little voice in my head tells me how life must go on, and how i have always known about the fact that a child dies in africa every 5 seconds, every single day, (and how people do no seem to realise how disasterous life has always been to some people on earth until something major and visually vivid like earthquake or tsunami happens, and then the whole world starts praying and crying and mourning.) is it fair that we only feel sympathtic when the lucky people lose their luck? what about the ones who are never lucky to begin with? what about those who are never lucky enough to be granted a voice for themselves or the attention of our media?

i am always annoyed by how people only say we should treasure life and respect nature after a major natural disaster has taken place. i don't think it should take that many deaths to remind the happy people to treasure their own happiness or the importance of such very common sense. it has to mean more than just our fancy little selves in our fancy little city.

i think i am thinking too much. tagore said if we are to shed tears for the sun that set, we also miss the stars. but dear god please help my angel fight the devil. :( one of the greatest fears in my life, besides marrying myself off to someone suddenly and randomly, is becoming a bad person.

it must be the season of the witch.