it can't be love.

of course it can't be. it is only how the slightest idea of your existence gets the butteflies in my stomach flapping wings like some warning signals of a tsunmai. it is only how i always feel that urgency to tell you 10 things that happen in my life each day yet it will make me too clumsy, so i write a thousand words on each thing and press delete, and eventually i go through a process of selection just to pick out one thing or two and condense everything into a very brief and boring summary. it is only the way i felt the inside of me melting like an ice cream under the sun when i saw you waiting there for me. it was only how it moved me so much i could cry when i spent the whole night staring at the ceiling knowing you are sleeping sound in the same room with me because it was too much like old time and i found it hard to believe. it is only how i always return to you when the days are bad, and somehow no matter how far you are away from me, you are always there at the right time, even virtually. it is only how i have to make the biggest efforts to keep my eyes off you. it is only how i have met enough boys after you just to figure out that no one else can make me feel the way you can. it is only how i have ever been so demanding and difficult but you make me compromise so willingly like a complete loser or worse an idiot without even having to try. it is only how your smiles amuse me in the best way one's smiles can, everytime you smile i find it so extremely adorable that i wish i can freeze that smile of yours and keep it deep inside my pocket. it is only how the way you held my hand confused my heartbeats. it is only how i constantly wish i can go back into the days when you were with me and live those days all over again, again and again. it's only how you are always on my mind, for days and months and even years you are still there like the bud of the bud of the tree called life. it's only how the songs you played on those lovely mornings made me feel so bright and light and calm and sincere. it's only how you make me stubborn and stupid and silly and i can't seem to be bothered by being all that as long as you still like me for who i am. it's only how i kind of know that you will probably never love me back and i think i can feel you trying so hard not to surrender and i simply don't want to care. it is only how aquarius do not get over their first loves and you are totally mine in that sense. it is only how i have always been obsessed with fairytales and with you they all came alive to me. it is only how i can't remember the way my furnitures move but i remember most things related to you. it is only how i am a writer, a poetess, an art girl and a romantic one that it is probably not even about you, but me, and the you and me in it. it's only how you make me muse so endlessly and it is only how you seem to be completely unaware of that. it can't be love. it certainly can't. i think we are sort of special. aren't we.

if i won't be happy and pretty and carefree and successful when i turn 30

i will definitely be angry. because i am working my youth away now, working so hard, from day to night and from night to day and nothing is ever enough. things keep falling upon my shoulder. and i am the only one around here who is able to do something, although i am not that able either. at least i can always push myself a little bit further and harder just so i can make life easier for others.

i think it feels most strange when i know so well how lazy my bones were born to be, yet i have to be one of the most hardworking people i know, just so things can be kept in place and i can expect a good night of sleep (if i ever am lucky enough).

of course i whine. i can be a big whiner. a major one. in the most pathetic kind of way. because i am constantly overloaded. of course you won't know. you are not me. you have no idea.

and that's totally fine. what you see is what you get, a pretty happy girl who does not worry about much and who is never serious enough? so be it. i don't expect people to understand because my life is screwed up in the most ridiculous sense.

i think i enjoy this high speed of typing as it feels like i am really spilling something out. when indeed i have to remain quiet and silent because now i am in such a whining mode i'd better keep my mouth shut.

OK now be positive again.

be a compassionate being.

keep it in mind that "life does not wait".

dear god please give me the courage
and good luck, too. :(

i am definitely over my head.

i have it all planned out.

i told someone that when i turn 30 i will be happy, carefree and successful. and he found that arrogant. he said i should not say "i will", instead i should just say "i wish to."

oh but making a wish is never as strong as asserting your own will. making a wish is like an active-passive kind of behaviour. afterall it is more like waiting for things to happen than making things happen. (although i do too, make a lot of wishes whenever chances come up.)

and then he said no one knew what the future would hold.

i think the future is just a lot of "now(s)". it will hold a lot of now(s). and now is now. i believe in karma. what you do now decides what you will be. you may not know everything. you will find yourself at times helpless, useless and powerless. but you will always know you have done the best you can. and i will always be a willful being.

in terms of what i have achieved with what i can have, i consider myself a happy, carefree and successful girl, even now, at this particular moment in time. it is merely a state of mind.

it is ok if life fails you. sometimes the world fails you, too. it is kind of destined for us to be failed from time to time. we can only make sure we don't fail ourselves. (well although if we do fail ourselves a little, we can still try our best to get over it and start over.)

i do have it all planned out. it is indeed as simple as words can explain. but some people never understand. sometimes i wonder if it is my own fault. maybe i do love to complicate things just so i can break them down into simplicity again with my own terms and conditions which the world may find chaotic.

hongkong is such a small city, you can go to most places here within 2 hours at most. but here you also find the greatest distance between one mind and another.

so i figured you can't really count everything on physical distance all that much. it can really take a thousand miles or more, to find that one person who makes you feel a certain level of intimacy.

it is indeed hard enough to find someone (a boy, in fact) with a mind open enough to not reject your own thoughts in your own head. i mean, you will be amazed, truly amazed, by how often people attempt to re-arrange what they find chaotic on your mind

when for god's sake chaos is just an order they can't recognize.

3 seconds of memory

my fish died yesterday night. and the sadness has really started to rush through me now. i think i have always been sort of slow in feeling things. maybe that's why i always only miss the water after it's gone.

i heard from milo that fish, they have only got 3 seconds of memory. so they are able to live many lives in one.

i can never imagine that. memories turn out to be too important in my life. i have been trying hard to remember things. people. places. my ideas or others'.

i bet we wouldn't really live that many different lives if we all possess just 3 seconds of memory. we would probably just live it all over again in the same ways, and again. and again. in the same ways.

just like how we usually fall in love with the same person, or the same versions of one person. because we want the good to be repeated. we laugh at the same old jokes, joke in the same old ways, and we laugh in the same old ways the same old jokes.

oh dear fish. it was sad not being able to greet you when i got home today. i am sorry that i never took good care of you. i enjoyed it though, the way you swam along the traces of my fingertip. i would have done it more often if i knew we were to part.

i am sorry for having said that you were ugly. i am sorry that i was so useless i only had the power to watch you die, helplessly.

i can't help feeling fragile and weak, knowing that i have not even the ability, to save just one little life.

how do you measure distance?

no matter how close you were, how much time we spent together, your mind never reached mine. our hearts hardly spoke to each other. our souls did not play their parts. never in a conversation could we see each other eye to eye.

it makes the longest distance.

there is a difference between need and love. i must have needed your love.

but i realise now that i am whole. i have already got all i need. everything i need is within me. i am not even afraid of being alone now. i have managed to love myself without having to have someone else to love me first. i am me again. you wanted me weak, but i love being strong.

it doesn't take another person to complete me. it shouldn't take me to complete you either.

the roars of destiny

today i took the time to google my name. according to wikipedia

Kismet may refer to:

• Fate or Destiny in Turkish and Urdu, a predetermined course of events, from Persian qesmat, from Arabic qisma, lot, from qasama, to divide, allot. Also used in Bulgarian and in some dialects of Serbo-Croatian as luck.

The first recorded use of the word in English was from Edward Backhouse Eastwick who used the word, spelled "kismat", in his 1849 novel, "Dry Leaves from Young Egypt".

then i realized how it must have been the roars of destiny that are constantly being unsettled in my blood. maybe that's why i am always disturbed by my own thoughts, the way they jump in out of nowhere, and the way all those images visualize themselves on the forefront of my mind without permission granted.

all my life i keep thinking that i have to do something. i only wish that i have the time.

but i sincerely thank my dad for having named me in the most meaningful way he could. i knew how he must have felt when i was born. :) i can love him forever for that particular moment of time. oh, i have already loved him through his forever. now i am going to continue to love him through mine.

sometimes i am still surprised by how often people can actually come to conclusions regarding what kind of a person you are before having known anything solid enough to make judgments about you. you know, "it's easy to look at people and make quick judgments about them, their present and their past, but you'd be amazed at the pain and tears a single smile hides. what a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of the iceberg hidden from sight. and more often then not, it's lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their souls."

i am not very comfortable with how people think i am too young or too inexperienced or too happy a person that i would not understand the dark sides of reality.

but maybe that proves how successful i am then, in beautifying things and romanticizing life so people do not see my reality as it actually is. i thank god for this amazing gift, it keeps people from their possible ability to imagine what i could already have experienced in this little life.

if i could i would just keep the light and lightness in my life, because it makes life easy. it keeps me happy and pretty - this invisibility of wounded memories and overwhelming weight upon my shoulders.

life could always be worse, and worse than you can ever imagine. that's why the touches of love and beauty and art and sugar and spice and all things nice happen to be so important. that's why i exaggerate over silly little things like loving a boy. that's why you don't really need to be so torn when you still have a choice. that's why you should really just be happy and pretty whenever you can, and embrace sadness to its guts whenever you need to. that's why you have to be open to feelings and let them circulate all over and deep inside you and enjoy the fact that you are actually able to feel a lot.

today i think about how scary it is when life because countable, i mean in the sense that you break down a lifetime into years and months and weeks and days and then hours. once i tried to count how many friday nights would there be in my life, and then i freaked out.

that ought to be one of those things i shouldn't spend too much time thinking about.

sleeping is an expensive activity.

let alone how i chose to be a sleeper than to be a 1.7 million lottery winner unwillingly. i dare not to count how many mornings i spent $90 extra on taxi fare just because i really felt like i had to sleep for 5 more minutes. and i always regretted those 5 minutes afterward. because it indeed takes me an hour to earn that $90. :/

i can't seem to get myself to wake up on time these mornings, no matter how long i have slept for, or how early i went to bed, it always feels like i won't live a complete life if i don't sleep for 5 more minutes. it is always that particular 5 minutes of time that i cling so much to.

but don't we all work so hard just so we can go home and have a good night of sleep? that's what i have been working so hard for, so i can go to sleep, safe and sound every night, knowing that i have kept things in place and made life worthwhile.

and then i can go sleep and dream as much and wild as i want.

one night i dreamt of this magic closet through which the magic dragon could reach the magic rabbit. nothing in this world could be as nice as this magic between them. the rabbit feels kind of lucky, having found what she has discovered, the handsome, funny, witty, wonderfully lazy dragon in the dark.

she wishes it then that he will be the one she spends the rest of the months and years sleeping with. she must be sort of feverish now, being totally in love still.

他們垂死也不掙扎

在這近日的災難中，發現了社會上類似死亡崇拜的傾向，正如人死了之後往往會被美化，人在面對災難之後總會被賦予光環。

有人投訴說香港是個「投訴之都」，香港的人沒有愛心又沒有智慧，更因出現恐慌性「盲搶鹽」而被視為笑話，為甚麼我們的社會是這樣的呢？相反，日本人面對災難時，表現冷靜，守望相助、團結，沒有搶東搶西，機構也免費派發糧食，然後大家都很仰慕日本人克己、守禮的民族特性。

其實這不過是民族特性。日本人從來都是相對地冷靜的，香港人從來都是相對地急躁的。日本人對其統治者的信任遠超香港人對政府的信任，這是歷史的問題，因此歷史上出現了南京大屠殺，因此二戰時出現了神風敢死隊，不是想要在這個時候翻舊帳，太不合時了，也永遠不會知道甚麼時候才真正合時，不過日本人這樣冷靜，明顯是因為他們非常信任他們的政府。香港人沒有那盲目信任的條件，寧願相信流言，因為香港人見慣了社會勢利，習慣了甚麼都要靠自己，在災難的時候，更加做不到甚麼都不做，總要以行動去安撫自己，而且行動要快，沒有時間可以等，那是我們的社會步伐，香港人沒有安全感，在香港的草根百姓更加沒有安全感。

有篇報導說香港的家庭居住環境小，但電視偏大，(而不用說的就是香港人慣了手勢無所事事就開電視)，因此面對周而復始的災難報導，再加上那無處可逃的侷促感覺，就很容易代入角色，像置身災難其中，身同感受，然後進入恐慌狀態。

但偏偏因為香港人從來都不是太願意聽天由命，又有人喜歡惡作劇，更多虧那些奸商，終於我們的社會成為了眾人的笑話。

不過我個人認為有反應好過沒反應。雖然好像各家自掃門前雪那樣，大家搶住去搶調味品，但我不相信有人沒調味品用，走過隔離屋想借，真的會有人托手踭。到底是不是我不了解自己的社會？但我記得香港這個小小的城市的人總是熱心捐款搞慈善，我記得沙士的時候，雖然有人搶口罩有人發國難財有人在網上散播謠言，但我們的醫生護士甚至醫院阿姐那樣奮不顧身死守在醫院，颱風或火災的時候，我們的消防員還是會冒死救人，然後我們當中還有太多人默默耕耘。

讚某些人的同時是不是就要找某些人來踩？為甚麼我們只看見別人的好，看不見自己人的好？為甚麼香港人的恐慌那樣可笑？難道恐慌不正常？為甚麼面對災難還要處之泰然？我們都是實實在在有血有肉有思想有感情的動物啊。地震之後又海嘯，海嘯完又核危機，美國的軍艦去到半路都要掉頭，在位者只會空口講白話，這樣的情況怎樣不叫人恐慌？更何況我們面對過甚麼災難？日本人冷靜某程度上也是因為他們自小就接受地震訓練，而他們的傳媒又很合作地在災難時期懂得千方百計去避免煽情，我們的傳媒又是怎樣的呢？

香港人面對災難的反應就是這樣了，呼天搶地的、抱頭痛哭的、不知所措的，未燒到埋身已經驚定先的，可能是因為我很天真，但我反而覺得這樣的反應比較真，我們還不至於因為過度壓抑自我而需要製作越級電影或建構虛擬世界去投射個人情感或釋放負能量。衰就衰在我們太依賴消費，有幾多香港人喜歡以購物減壓，精神環境不足只能以物質環境作支援，這的確是個可悲的社會現象，有很多人必須靠買東西這動作去抓住甚麼來充實身心，但這消費文化也不是香港獨有的，正如惡夢般的少女援交文化也不是香港人發明的。

然後這樣一個核危機只有50個人去解決，然後這樣一個富有先進的國家裡，竟然有多個老弱傷殘被醫護人員遺棄，然後香港人還是決定要投訴嘲笑香港人的無知愚昧和悲哀，無視一些關乎歷史教育經濟社會文化甚至科技等等因素的考慮去把中日兩個地方的人的反應相提並論，這才是真正可悲的地方。

我選擇相信我們還有未來。最好是全世界所有在位者都能夠懸崖勒馬，說真的，天然災害難以避免，要死也不能說不甘心，但核危機呢？明明就是人禍。最不甘心的就是那麼多人偏偏要為別人的錯誤而犧牲，當中的犧牲者還未計其他生物。人類啊，人類！永遠都是聰明反被聰明誤。

can you keep a secret?

here we go. you know i know
you know, the stupid secret that is ever untold.
the me, pretty and sweet, and you
handsome with wit, cigarettes and long island sealed
with a kiss, each other's fingers linger
on each other's fingertips. you hate the songs
i love, i love the knot you hate,
and hate the way you play it safe.

here is the stupid secret that everyone knows,
years will yield and i will still
be wanting you so, and being proud of having
dared, to try, to sneak
my skin under your snow - sugary twist - here
is the stupid secret that nobody knows,
passers will pass and i will still
be the loveliest story you will ever unfold.

and i love you,

i love you world - i think that was my last thought before i fell asleep last night, that i love you world. i love you as much as i have loved my own cradle. i love the way that you turn. i love especially the sky you hold, the sun, the moon, the stars, when it's blue or when it's dark. i love your dawn breaks, your sunsets, as much as i love your hours of dusk, midnight slumber or hours afar. i love your colors, your flowers, now that i have seen it, i think i love even your snow, and the white that comes with it. i love your sea, your forest, the woods in it, i love the way the earth smell after a rain, i love your grass fresh green. i love even the faded trees, the fallen leaves. i definitely have always loved your ants, fireflies and butterflies. i love your swans, the way your birds sing, your fish swim, and your pandas sleep. i love your animals, even the howling wolves and the cunning foxes, especially though your dogs. i love your sunny days, as much as i have loved typhoons and thunderstorms. i love the way your lightnings strike, the amazing fact that by striking the sand glass is made. oh i love your sand in my shoes. i love also the foggy feeling in early spring. i love being a part of it, a part of you, i love that there are roads to walk on, ways to go and views to view. i love your people, and the idea that they love and live.

i love you world. you are a masterpiece. there will never be an art piece more wonderful.

謝謝您

蝴蝶玟瑰海綿寶寶都很可愛
您手字今天特別漂亮 文法也沒有錯

謝謝您還特意為我花心思
我敢肯定你是為我花過最多心機時間的男朋友
也是唯一一個願意講未來的
大概也是唯一一個敢說愛我的 想要娶我的
可以被我欺凌又抵得諗的
在我蠻不講理的時候還會向我道歉的

可是我生來是這麼一個不願意安份的人
我就真的只想風花雪月一輩子
當個自由快樂的小女子

我們都很努力過了
遺憾的是我多麼努力也沒法放下回憶裡的人和事

謝謝您愛過我 謝謝您還愛我
您值得擁有更多的 更好的 更漂亮的 更快樂的 更充實的
所有我沒法給您的

season of the witch

oh my god, what am i. - sylvia plath

sometimes i am shocked by my own thoughts. i envy those who are always good-hearted and clear-minded, because i am not like that, i am half good, and half bad, i am always confused, i need to be constantly fighting my vices to be a good person, to be reflecting every day and night, and to put words into writing to get a grip of my ridiculous mind.

i remember how i used to hate my dad when he got drunk, and i used to wish that he would just disappear and leave us alone. but i had always loved him when he was sober, because he was one of the most meaningful people i could ever meet in my little life. and then one day he started disappearing into the hollow of death, and i realised how we should always be extremely careful with what we wish for.

i think i had the worst thoughts on japan, which happened to be the only country i had ever disliked. i disliked most things about her, from her history, culture to values. and everytime she made a noise i only wished that she did not exist.

i have to admit that i have had mixed feelings about this earthquake. and i am shocked by how my prejudice has at least for some minutes manipulated my humanity. for god's sake those are innocent people out there. how could i be so heartless? why am i taking it out on innocent souls? it makes me no different from the cruel japanese soldiers and whale hunters there whom i despise to a severe extent.

i think i can understand now why japan chose to be aggressive, it was merely because of fear, in terms of nature she did not have much to count on, one earthquake and everything could be gone in just a blink of the eyes. but still, no reason will ever be reasonable enough to justify cruelty.

maybe this unfortunate event should be viewed independently. or maybe not. because everything is linked to everything else in this universe, it is always sort of a butterfly effect across time and space.

the weather is again so nice here today. the sun shines through my window and it feels like summer almost. but i dare not to feel happy because part of the world is dying now. and then this little voice in my head tells me how life must go on, and how i have always known about the fact that a child dies in africa every 5 seconds, every single day, (and how people do no seem to realise how disasterous life has always been to some people on earth until something major and visually vivid like earthquake or tsunami happens, and then the whole world starts praying and crying and mourning.) is it fair that we only feel sympathtic when the lucky people lose their luck? what about the ones who are never lucky to begin with? what about those who are never lucky enough to be granted a voice for themselves or the attention of our media?

i am always annoyed by how people only say we should treasure life and respect nature after a major natural disaster has taken place. i don't think it should take that many deaths to remind the happy people to treasure their own happiness or the importance of such very common sense. it has to mean more than just our fancy little selves in our fancy little city.

i think i am thinking too much. tagore said if we are to shed tears for the sun that set, we also miss the stars. but dear god please help my angel fight the devil. :( one of the greatest fears in my life, besides marrying myself off to someone suddenly and randomly, is becoming a bad person.

it must be the season of the witch.

god bless this mess

maybe it's a very bad time to blog about my romantic thoughts when part of the world is falling apart. earthquakes keep happening. once again i realise how helpless and weak human beings can be when we are confronted by nature.

but when days are peaceful and love is money we always think we are able to conquer just everything out of the entire universe. and weren't people so very proud of themselves not so long ago? usually this is exactly how and when things fall apart without a warning. (or have people ignored the signs?)

i do not like Japan at all, not a bit. and i have promised myself never to visit it until it apologises for its cruel behaviours in WWII. it's an old story. but i hope the people there will be fine. afterall we are talking about lives here, and each life is just as valuable as every other life, be it a japanese or chinese.

now this is going to be completely out of context, but i often think to myself that if i were to have a boyfriend to call mine, i would do to him a million sweet sweet things. well, i think i did do some of those things to some of the boyfriends i had, but i don't think i can do them again now, to this particular boy. i am constantly holding myself back from writting clumsy loveletters or saying whatever sweet sweet lines that have got onto my mind. i keep rejecting and denying my own ideas because they are just so perfectly uncool.

maybe it was a bad idea to befriend Shakespeare or Bronte. :/

but then i always go back to the places where we have been to, which is a bit pathetic and somehow romantic. i keep telling myself that nothing is so bad now. it's not like we're romeo and juliet. and i am 24, kind of a big girl now. some people go on with their lives without falling in love. and i have already had the most romantic days one can possibly imagine, although i am not sure if it was love, it was definitely lovely. well, or i am simply a person too easily amused. *sigh*

anyways, i am waiting in the pacific coffee on hollywood road, milo is late again. (maybe it's going to be for 2 hours this time?) but i love her so much i can't even really bring myself to feel upset. (or we are too used to each other's idea of time - that we have absolutely no idea of time besides its passage.)

i am so afraid of what may happen to this world. why does it seem so likely that 2012 will be the end of the world? :(

god bless this mess, please.

i need my favourite painting tonight. munch's madonna has that magical power to comfort me without making a sound.

sometimes (or most of the time, in terms of my own life), it is only about expressionism.

a note

my aunt in thailand (the widowed one with 5 grandchildren) met a monk in her most hopeless hours, he let them stay at the temple when they got kicked out of the school, and gave them food when they were hungry.

and then things got better after we have decided to help them a bit each month. and then my mom got the chance to talk to that monk over the phone. and they became friends. my aunt went visit that monk from time to time, for he was wise and goodhearted.

3 days ago he went visit the poor, and hurt his toe on the way (because he walked only with bare feet, he never wore shoes.) but he was 86 years old and he had diabetes, so it happened that there was an infection and he was dying all of a sudden.

he passed away last night. he was in the hospital, could not talk or move until before the arrival of death, he sat up straight, and wrote a note, and he wrote it for us. who would have thought that we would be the last thing on this dying monk's mind?

and then i started to think about what a person would write about when he knew it would be his/her last words ever written.

my aunt carried his buddhist bowl and walked around the village, asking for donations so they could purchase for him a coffin. one family donated $1 in thai bhat. she could not help but cry all the way home, realising how light humanity can be.

life is such a fragile thing. sometimes we meet people, and we think we will always have time, and then it's suddenly too late for anything to happen.

i heard that art people are often very aware of the passage of time. maybe that's why i am impulsive. i think i should buy him his coffin.

i have to keep telling my little heart to be stronger than itself, bigger too, so ships can sail.

pacific morning

conversation over coffee is my utopia.

i will always miss those days, in which my girls and i spent most mornings on the starbucks sofa daydreaming days away, making fun of freud, abusing the abusive use of the term uncanny, keeping one another updated with one another’s news daily.

lately i have been busy catching up with them, re-visiting what i have missed out in that one-year-three-month period of time. life was always about a boyfriend, fitting my little self in his busy schedule, betting everything on every friday night, crying over silly thoughts on silly girls’ silly talks. people told me that was how a normal relationship was like. while i was clinging to a sofa in pacific coffee, reading neruda and sylvia plath over a hot chocolate this morning, i realized how most days in those days did not count in terms of my own sense of being.

these days i am myself again. i don’t have to wait until friday to dress up and be pretty. i can do it everyday now, just as i did one year and three months ago. i wake up every morning feeling free and dandy. this morning my mom looked at me and said, “oh you look so beautiful.” some weeks ago she was only asking me why i always looked so tired.

miro said,“the simplest things give me ideas.”
dear life, i love you in a spanish way.

quiero hacer contigo
lo que la primavera hace con los cerezos. - neruda

boys and politics

we can't live with them, can't live without them. - which is a twist of a quote from dr. elbert, which reminds miss cherry of a quote she found on a sunday back in april, almost a year ago, saying:

"it’s funny how we always find ourselves wanting to run back to the ones we used to love, for some reason, thinking it would work out differently the second time."

and then somehow i heard this song on the music player sung by a german rockstar whom i thought i saw on the street of copenhagen, starting with:

"right from the moment i saw your face, it occurred to me that you were the love of my life."

sometimes i think life can only go on in the co-existence of contracdictions, that there will never be a solution for most of the difficult situations we encounter here or there, that the only way to deal with tough choices is to keep choosing, jingling and struggling and never come to a definite and ultimate conclusion.

but i don't want to choose anymore. i have made up my mind. i know what i want, i am only secretly wishing that what i want wants me enough, and what i do not want can stop wanting me.

anyways, tomorrow i will have the first meeting with my language exchange buddy. excited! :D no matter how things turn out i hope i can at least master his language, for deep in my heart i am a control freak and the mastery of a language appears to be the most symbolic form of possessiveness.

in the middle of the night, have you ever noticed how bold and beautiful a matisse can be?

it's 3am

and i can't sleep. because i fell asleep right after work and woke up an hour ago. i dreamt of europe again. i think these dreams will not go away in a very long time.

i should be writing articles on culture and travelling but all i can write about is myself, i must have been some kind of a self-obsessed little bitch. milo and i have come to the conclusion that we are only writing for reflection to take place. i keep reflecting every minute, every hour and everyday indeed, on questions like who i am, how i am and why i am the way i am etc. and to a certain extent it really has exhausted me.

but people keep telling me how happy i look these days, saying that my eyes sparkle and my smiles radiate. i honestly do think so. i am surprised by what i have done, i have walked out of a future i thought most hongkong girls would have wanted, away from the one who has got the blueprint of one perfect future all drawn out.

the rabbit thinks she should indulge herself in this happiness, at least until the dragon comes around to tell her again how impossible it is for them to be.

it is a night of klimt's sea serpent.

180 steps

i am still thrilled about the fact that one of my best friends have moved here to the same villa where i live in. i cannot believe how unbelievable it is! so i went to kayu's new home today and we chatted for hours. and then she came over to say hi to my mom. and she counted our distance, which is only 180 steps away from each other - simply amazing.

now i feel close to all of my girlfriends again. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D!

tomorrow we will go to work together. how nice! i hope i can wake up on time.

what is a sugar coma?

it is when one's blood sugar gets so low that it can cause him/her to slip into a coma or die. it is the name of one amazing song courtney love wrote after kurt cobain's death. it is what i felt like when people told me how i should start to grow up, forget romance and become realistic, draining the sugar out of my blood and leaving me in a mindless state so immobile.

i cannot do that. at least not now. not when i am in my 20s. it is the time when things have to blossom (or they never will.) i cannot wait. and that's why i am where i am now, having done all that i did.

it looks like i go around all day being pretty, dreamy and fluffy. but i actually work very hard to keep everything i have in place. sometimes i whine about this and that, not having enough time, not being able to meet my friends, not earning enough, being so tired all the time etc., until today i realise how i have already tried my best to balance life out. at least i am still writing, and i have not given up the things that i really want.

i heard that love is only for the lucky and the brave. you can't count on luck that much, but you can always be a little braver than you think you already are.

the days are actually turning bright. and i feel freedom again in my life. i keep smiling to myself everywhere i go. i can indulge myself in my kind of romance now.

nothing is so impossible anymore.

finally got to meet milo last night. we went to central and had some long talks there, as always. anyone would be disturbed by our conversation because it is always completely out of context and it has absolutely no consistency. we are always so eager to speak whatever that jumps in on our minds, maybe it's because we know how difficult it is to find another person just as ridiculous, understanding and inspiring.

we are each other's little window in this realistic life where everybody else lives in. i would love to thank god for all these wonderful people in my life. who is this little cherry to deserve all that much? but please make me a wonderful person, too!

i think it takes a monet to perfect this beautiful sunday.

i had too much fun.

tonight may and i went to ekin's concert. and it was definitely worth the money ($150! how cheap was that for 3 hours of enjoyment!) we wished we had spent more so we could sit closer to the stage. of course he was old-school, but his songs are all classic. and there is no one in this world who can sing these love songs in a way more sincere than he does.

and so we indulged ourselves in his songs and had one of the most wonderful nights ever.

after the concert we went to tsim sha tsui, sat at the park and talked. how i love being with my evil twin! always so much fun and understanding. we cannot stop smiling when we are together! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D!

and it actually felt good to be back at work again. i have missed my colleagues so much! i felt so energetic and recharged after the vacation. i think i basically hopped to work this morning. haha! and i will work as hard as i can until i get another vacation. :)

the rabbit feels like the happiest rabbit alive tonight, knowing that the dragon wants her just as much.

doha airport

quite often in my life i live in such a dreamy state that i have come to places without realising the steps i have taken. my first trip in europe still doesn't feel very realistic. (although i kept taking pictures to make it feel more real.) and was it me or was it really europe? the time passed in such a high-speed that suddenly i am here. alone in the airport again.

this shock is endless. all i did on the plane was to cry and sleep and cry more, and sleep more. people must have found me strange. how could you be so brokenhearted? for the first time in my life i have hurt someone so badly. and i did it all out of my selfishness. and the worst thing is even if i were given the chance to go back and do it again, i probably would do it anyway. so i guess the destructive part is i don't really regret what i did, though i feel extremely bad about it.

i am scared. i am scared of going back to a life i am not familiar with. i am scared of the damages i have done to his life and mine. when i was on holiday it all felt so far away. i have got used to always having someone by my side. but this time i am ending me up alone. and of course i totally deserve it.

and the stupid rabbit goes insane. because she realises that out of the entire universe, the dragon is the only one she wants. and probably the only one she will ever want. and possibly the only one she will never really have.

when darkness turns to night

it ends tonight.

so this is my last day in brussels. tomorrow i will be off to copenhagen again and take my flight back home. i can't believe how fast time has passed, and how dramatic life suddenly is.

or it has always been dramatic. dramatic things happen to dramatic people. i think it's just similar to one of those stories i have about falling asleep instead of buying the lottery ticket that would win. it's just me and my life in which anything seems to be possible (at least anything stupid).

i am going home to a life with lots of work and no boyfriend. i only beg myself not to dive into relationships again so i can take a break from all that have already happened. my "go with the flow" attitude is ending me up badly. i have hurt the one who would go through all the troubles to be with me. i don't think anyone will ever love me that much anymore, because i am totally undeserving. i am going to have to live with this guilt for a very long time. and at the same time i am desperately longing for something that may never happen. why am i so tragically stupid? but stupidity actually makes me happy. i haven't been so happy in a very long time that i forgot how happiness felt like. although at the same time i am extremely sad. i have been told long time ago that people living on these extreme emotions will die early.

maybe this story tells us that if you can't move on, then don't. don't go around falling in love simply because you can. i always thought that life was too short to wait around, and i always thought that the worst case would be me getting my heart broken again (and that would be no big deal because even sadness was beautiful), because i never thought someone would take me so seriously. i thought i would always be the one left behind because i am a girl and boys will be boys.

i am sorry. i should have known how i felt. i over-estimated my ability in letting go. and then i really thought i was only in love with memories, and that i would be able to live a realistic life like everyone else, planning ahead about getting married and having kids and settling down with the perfect husband and an ordinary life.

but i am a hopeless romantic and i will always be one. and i miss the butterflies in my stomach. i thought they were dead but they came alive when i least expected them to.

tomorrow i will need to get up at 4 something in the morning for the flight. and then i will have approximately 5 hours in copenhagen. i don't know what i should do there indeed. today we went to Gent, and there were lots of beautiful old buildings. it would be nice if it were summer already, then the sun would be a lot brighter and the days would be less grey. it is the eat, pray, love kind of journey that i had. i went to quite a lot of churches, and then in brussels it's all about eating, and of course it's afterall about love even though i seem to be the only one in it.

i will miss angela and ravi very much. they have been so nice and caring. i hope i won't be crying like a baby again when i depart in the morning. goodnight.