what if?

what if i am going to die soon? this thought has tingled up in me for almost 2 days or 3. the idea of my own death has built itself within me. usually i would avoid thinking this way. but what if? i know how horrible the combination of "what" and "if" can be. it will soon wear me out.

it began one night when i was on the minibus home. when the minibus passed by the sidewalk i thought i saw someone in a black capote looking at me, i couldn't see his face though. at that moment i thought it was merely the shadows of the trees. so i ignored it.

but for 2 days or 3 it seems to haunt me. maybe it's not really like haunting...? i don't know. i feel its presence few times a day. i would have named it (i tried to) like loneliness or depression, as what i read from eat pray love, but the fact is i don't feel lonely or depressed. not so strongly. i wonder if it's my angel. someone here to protect me. but what if it's someone to take me away from all my earthly love? what if?

so i panic secretly. the possibility of my own death at an age so young chills my bones. i have too much love and too much responsibility. i can't be dead yet. my brother and sister haven't graduated yet. and i haven't been able to give my mom a carefree life. my nephews are still babies. i haven't even started the pursuit of my own dreams. my friends need me. there is a boy out there who may want me as a bride. i can't leave my dog lonely. there are still pimples on my face. my hair is still short. there is too much of the worldly beauty i haven't seen yet.

today i was so tired. after something like 100 phone calls in 2 hours (non-stop) i went home and fell into sleep right away. i dreamt of my dad. told him that we should go home together, but he waved me away, telling me to go first. i woke up and tell mom about it. she said, "luckily."

i hope everything will be fine and i am just imagining signs for having been too tired. life may be exhausting right now. but i am always looking forward to all the beautiful things that may happen in the future. i wish death would stay away. and sickness, too please stay far away from us. and sadness, and madness, and lovelessness, please all stay far, far away.