letters to juliet.

the amazing thing about movies is that each movie is based on one philosophy, it imitates life, but it's not exactly like life. like letters to juliet, how romantic the whole thing is, and charlie is incredibly hot and handsome and funny and cute and adorable (and i am obviously acting like a teenager now.) i am surprised, having noticed that the movie believes in true love as a once in a life time thing, which is forever true and never too late. how can anyone be so sure? sometimes i wish i could live my life like that, to base my whole life on just one faith, and to have something to tell myself for sure. but i couldn't. and i don't.

i think i am not brave enough. that's why i don't just have one favourite. not just one best friend. not a religion. not one major. not one alarm clock. never a single job alone. i am way too insecured and i can't trust myself. i don't have just one dream. and i don't live in just one world. i have to have two for everything (if i can.) but it's not like having the other one as a backup. both have to be equally important.

i know it cannot go on forever. eventually it is going to tear me apart. a part of me would like to stay where i am and do what i do. because i am good at it and i love it. it makes me feel safe. i am pretty much attached to this life that i've found. did i find it? did it find me? or maybe it's a life i built. indeed, i worked so hard for it. it was nothing like a smile and a blink and magic happens. it was all hard work, and it still is.

but then there are these moments when i just simply dream away and ask myself "what if"? what if life is something bigger? my boyfriend said the pursuit of happiness is a never-ending quest. that if we are to seek we will always be able to find something better. and that will be tiring and meaningless and time-wasting and never enough. so he's happy with me. satisfied. because he knows what he wants and i am here.

the realistic part of me knows what i want. i am satisfied. all that i have prayed for when i was 17 is the life i live now. but the romantic part of me is being constantly stupid and completely insane. how many friday nights can i have? for how many times can i see the sunset? where is the bud of the bud of the tree called life?

sometimes i think to myself that i would already be lucky enough if i would be loved for how i truly am.