the 1st confrontation

by the end of 2010, i emptied the inbox of my mailbox, deleted 8700 emails, among which 4700 were unread.

i kept all the loveletters i wrote or received. i kept even most of the facebook messages.
it took me a long time to delete some of the sms(es) that should no longer matter after a relationship is gone. and i could only delete some of them, as i have the tendency to keep everything. it will take me a even longer time to get rid of this tendency. it would be nice if i had only dated one boy. diversity is nice but when memories accumulate the impact is ridiculously disasterous. sometimes i wish someone would not let me go. but he really did. and it was not my decision. there is always something i remember as a part of my youth. i love him when i take now away and enter the past. but i cannot love him now. now is what we do not have.

i haven't been fair to those who love me for real. i have never been fair. my love has made me selfish. i am in love with everything about love. the idea that we were once in love. the idea that we are still in love. the idea that we will be in love. the idea that there is always love.

i am merely 23, but sometimes it feels like a minor decision i make can already ruin everything i have built. i have come too long a way to where i am now. i feel like a 32. not knowing where to go next, worrying that if i turn right i may miss what's left, too afraid of starting over and even more afraid of not being able to start over.

have i been fair to myself?

it has been a year full of love though. i have no idea what i have done to deserve this much. but if you love me, i will love you. we must have been sort of lucky, let's make each other happy.